The Unrecovered's Prayer

The Lord is my shepherd;

yet I am still in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

from which I constantly run.

He leads me beside quiet waters which leave me feeling uncomfortable,

for I prefer the noise of dangerous waters.

He restores my soul, which I continually damage with wrong choices.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake;

yet I'd rather take my own path of self-righteousness for my name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death by my own choosing,

I fear everything,

for though you are with me,

I do not trust you.

Your rod and your staff, they frustrate me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies,

and I am too busy in the kitchen to sit down.

You anoint my head with oil, and I'm concerned with how I look.

My cup overflows, and I am anxious if there will be enough for tomorrow.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,

and that's hard for me to accept.

I believe that dwelling in Your house forever

is for those who are more worthy than I.

Dear Lord, please help, for I am a mess!

Eli Machen

Life Matters

A VERY dear and wonderful friend of mine lost a close friend last week to cancer. My friend had basically been her friend's main caregiver for the last few years, but the activity kicked up about 10 notches in the last 6 months following the doctor's fatal diagnosis. "I'm sorry, there is nothing else we can do for you except to make you comfortable," are words no one wants to hear.

As you can imagine, my friend spent a great deal of time just talking to her sick friend about all kinds of things, and I know how difficult it was during this time. Yet she was incredibly brave and strong for her friend. And when she finally went Home, my friend handled everything like the champ she is. 

The following is an excerpt of writing by Michael Josephson. My friend chose this as one of the pieces that was read aloud at her friend's funeral, and she sent it to me today.

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and power will shrivel. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustration and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. In the end, it won’t matter where you came from or on what side of the tracks you lived. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will not be relevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not your success but your significance that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what. 

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

I shared the above piece of writing with you because a) it's really well-put and b) because I, too, attended a funeral this week (the grandmother of a coworker). As I sat during the eulogy service for this woman, I was awed by how many lives she had touched. So when I read the above excerpt from my friend, the words really stood out to me as I recalled listening just yesterday to how one woman lived her life in the exact way Josephson describes. Her life MATTERED. The evidence was in every laugh, every memory, every story shared by the people she personally touched. And not one single word spoken had anything to do with money or position or material things. All of these memories had to do with her sense of humor, her wit, her faith in the Lord and how she consistently asked about others and how they were doing in spite of how bad she was feeling.

I had never even heard this woman's name prior to attending her funeral. Yet the way she lived her life monumentally and directly impacted mine! Because she consciously chose to live in a way that MATTERED, she raised her children and grandchildren to live the same way. They grew up being taught how to live a life that matters, and as a result emulated her example, both personally and professionally. Because of this sweet lady, I (a total stranger) have a wonderful job working for a very cool boss who hires people and manages his team (MY team) according to this philosophy. So I sat there in the back of the service and said a little Thank You prayer to God for this woman whom I did not know but whose life had so clearly touched my own. She is greatly missed by those who did know her. Yet, like ripples moving across the water, she will live on through how those folks live because of the impact she had on them. And now she'll live on through me as well. 

The friend who sent Josephson's excerpt to me also lives this way. In fact, God has surrounded me with incredible people who all try and do this to some degree. My past is filled with time wasted on things that no longer matter, and I can't do anything about that. But what I CAN do is consciously choose to matter today.

If I can just do a mere fraction of what this woman, my precious friend and countless others God has placed in my path have done, then I will truly have lived a life that MATTERED... which it can only do as long as it glorifies Christ and makes a difference to others.

Who will remember you, and why? Choose to live a life that MATTERS! 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Lord, I pray for myself and for every person who reads this to give up and let go of all the little things we hold onto that, in the end, don't enrich our lives or help anyone. I pray that our eyes will be opened to the fact that every single thing we say or do resonates some sort of eternal chord. Whether or not that sound is cacophony or a sweet melody will come down to the decision we make about what really and truly MATTERS. It is my prayer that we will all come to the knowledge that nothing matters more than our relationship with YOU and whether or not we exhibited You to others by how we lived. Amen.

Rain

Courtesy of my friend Rachel.

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in WalMart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful, red-haired, freckle-faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there, under the awning, just inside the door of the WalMart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

Her little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, "Mom let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Let's run through the rain!" she repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied. This young child waited a minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain." "We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. "No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. "This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?" 

The little girl said, "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, He can get us through anything!'"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent... I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain... We all stood silently. No one left. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just need washing," Mom said. Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They got soaked. They were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. 

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

+++++++++++++++++

This makes me glad for all the times my children and I have played in the rain.

Unlearning

You might not know it to look at me, but I'm kind of a nerd. I love to learn. I am a serious bookworm and have a voracious appetite for books, poetry and great music. I used to read the dictionary and make up games to use the words I had learned (true story). I still do this to some extent, just in a more modern way. The most frequently used app on my iPhone isn't Facebook or ESPN Scorecenter—it's Dictionary.com! I love to learn new things, entertain new concepts, foster new ideas, etc. I HEART my Thesarus! It's not just about the words, though. Basically I just love a really good story.

But that's just me. People are as individual as snowflakes when it comes to personal interests. But whatever those may be, I've come to realize that we are in a constant state of learning. Everywhere, all the time. Whether you are even aware of it or not, it's happening. (Kinda like gravity, yeah?) This is more true today than ever before, since we live in a world where we're bombarded with information. Our brains are like little computers that are perpetually ingesting, processing, filing and using or discarding information. Even when we sleep, we are learning. Our subconscious is playing with concepts and ideas and working things out that don't always make it to the forefront of our consciousness.

So why am I writing about this? Because if learning is constantly happening, that means we are affected by every single thing we see, experience, hear, say, touch. Our environments, circumstances and the people surrounding us are shaping us. Constantly. Ergo, every single moment that passes has a profound (and inevitable) effect on our lives and who we are.

Why is this important? Because it means that one must be both aware and intentional about this learning process. Like everything else in life, learning can be good or bad. Since I was unaware of it for a long time, I let a lot of garbage into my mind and my heart. Once I did become aware of it, I thought that the awareness was enough. I left it unguarded, and just drifted through life, aimless, allowing things to just happen.  I thought I was "flexible." I was really just reckless.

The result of all this was me walking around with a head full of knowledge that was doing me no good at all. I had learned so many destructive patterns of thinking and behavior that there was no room left for anything else. I had a trail of destructive relationships with people who were still living rent-free in my head.

I ignorantly thought more learning was the answer. I relentlessly pursued more and more knowledge, thinking if I just learned the "right things" that I would be able to effect a more positive outcome. Um, yeah. That didn't work out so well. This pursuit of knowledge and all the things I learned sure kept my mind busy. But it didn't do diddly to help me get well. In fact, it just made it worse!

Knowledge is power. That's true. But I had to accept that my thirst for knowledge had merely become an attempt to exercise power where I felt powerless. And it wasn't working.

The process of recovery is as much about UNLEARNING as it is learning. I had to unlearn TONS of utter nonsense. As you grow closer to Jesus during the recovery process, He will begin to transform your mind, cleaning it out and replacing the bad stuff with HIS stuff. All the things I thought I knew were WRONG. In fact, all that "learning" was getting in the way of a better life and coming between me and Jesus. So the first year or so in recovery was more about me unlearning everything… And I DO mean everything!

When I began recovery, it was messy and imperfect. And rudimentary! It's funny to me now but at the time, I basically just did the exact opposite of whatever I would have said or done in the past. Literally! If I got up in the morning and went without thinking to my closet and grabbed a black pair of pants, I would stop, then reach for a white pair of shorts instead. I resisted what came naturally to me because I didn't know how to do it any other way!

I wanted to "do something different." But all I had to go on at first was all the wrong information I'd amassed over my lifetime. So my unlearning started out as just doing the opposite of what I knew until I learned enough right stuff to replace it.

God was able to lessen the extremes of this along the way. But the real learning in recovery didn't happen until I was willing to UNLEARN first. When I stopped analyzing everything to death and trying to find an explanation for everything and just started LIVING THE PRINCIPLES of recovery, things started making sense. When I began to actually live the steps and principles of recovery in my day-to-day life, that is when I truly started to change.

My point is this: It takes faith to change. Faith isn't about what you KNOW, it's about what you BELIEVE. And what you are "learning" at every moment is shaping what you believe. Recovery and a true relationship with Jesus isn't a head thing. It's a heart thing… Faith. The craziest thing about faith is that when you are living it, it doesn't FEEL like faith! But every time you take a step that you wouldn't have ordinarily and take Jesus at His word, that is exactly what faith really is. (I had to unlearn that, too.)

Recovery helped me unlearn the things of my past so that I could live in the present and have a future to look forward to. And I choose to try and stay as aware and intentional in the learning as I can. I try my best to take GREAT care in choosing what people are in my life, what circumstances and situations I allow in, and try to channel every single moment of it toward the Lord. Occasionally there are times when I run into some illusion or notion I didn't even know I had, and I have to unlearn it. Then Jesus can teach me something that has real value in my life.

As usual, life and recovery and all of it are what you make of it. Garbage in, garbage out. Or, JESUS in, JESUS out! Don't sit idly by and allow yourself to learn whatever the world or life wants to teach you. Actively participate in the learning process and channel where it goes. Decide what you want to learn, and take steps to make that happen! In most cases, that intentional awareness will require you to see what you need to UNLEARN first!

What things are in your life today that you might need to UNLEARN?

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward." (Soren Kierkegaard)
"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest." (Jesus Christ)

"Turn Our Eyes Away"

This song is hauntingly beautiful. It's by Trent Dabbs, with Ruby Amanfu... To me, it speaks poignantly and honestly of the struggle we all face in life, while leaving a little room for some hope... Ultimately, we all come to a point where we must turn our eyes away from what we have known and from the various paths we've all taken, and look to some One greater than ourselves to save us (since we have zero hope of saving ourselves). I don't have any idea what Trent and Ruby had in mind when they wrote this song, but it's an undeniable fact that what they describe can apply to anyone. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and that it will inspire you to turn to God today.

I'm a broken soul
I'm an open book 

With many torn out pages
And I walk through fire
But I thirst for truth
For what I've never tasted
And it calls to me again
The comfort of the sin

Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
From this path we've taken
Washing clean our faces
Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
Leaning on the hope that
One day even we
Oh one day even we
Will be saved

I got a war inside
With a flag in hand
I'll wait to cry surrender
While the pride in me
Is fighting who I am
Why is it that I linger?
I guess every man decides
To take or save a life 

Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
From this path we've taken
Washing clean our faces
Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
Leaning on the hope that
One day even we
Oh one day even we
Will be saved

Ohhh

Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
From this path we've taken
Washing clean our faces
Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
Leaning on the hope that
One day even we
Oh one day even we
Will be saved

One day even we
Will be saved

(P.S. Some of you get emails whenever I publish a blog, and if you do, then the video mayn't show up. Here's the link to see it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xThEAs-K9U)

Pray.

Faith is only as good as the object in which it is placed. Prior to recovery, I'd made a habit of placing my faith in things or in people that let me down. My best thinking, combined with misplaced faith, resulted in a crisis of identity and belief... which led me to doubt God's ability and authority, and my prayers reflected my unbelief.  

There's a saying: Only God can make a tree. The Lord is the Author and Creator of the universe, of time and space and the laws of physics. God created the world simply by speaking. He is the only one who can right wrongs, forgive sin, redeem the lost, heal the hurting, repair brokenness and restore faith and "the years that the locusts have eaten." Only God can bend the rules of time and space and physics; He can do beyond what we can ask or think; He can work miracles and do the impossible. The Lord's ability and authority are omniscient and absolute, yet I prayed as if this were not so. 

My recovery journey led me to ask myself some questions. Some easy, some not so easy—to ask or have answered. But ask them I did, and God literally blew my mind sometimes, especially when I was at my most desperate and too weak to do anything else BUT pray.

I still make a habit of asking myself, and asking God, the hard questions, and it has revolutionized my prayer life—the daily habit of it, how I do it and what I expect to come of it. If you "feel stupid" praying, or don't know how to pray or where to start, ask yourself: What things or people have you given up on? What seems completely impossible to you? What things do you keep coming back to in your life over and over and over again? Pray about THAT! For example:  

• What negative things have you been told about yourself? To what extent do you accept those things as true?
• How do you rebel against those things?
• What do you need from life and relationships that you aren't getting? What do you need from GOD that you aren't getting?
• How is giving your life up to Jesus different from giving your life away to others?
• How is being selfish different from simply being yourself?
• If you never doubted that God's ability and authority are LIMITLESS, and you KNEW that He could do ANYTHING, how would you pray? 
• What would you ask God to do if you KNEW He wouldn't fail? What impossible things and miracles would you ask Him to do for you?

The majority of prayers that we send up are ineffective because we come AT God with pretty phrases and religious platitudes. God wants your most honest, truest soul. Recovery taught me how to TALK WITH God. My "prayers" turned into conversations. Lay it all at His feet with brutal honesty. Don't hold anything back! Keep it REAL. Empty yourself of every single thought and emotion... He's big enough to take it, and what's more, you can't really hide it, yeah? After all, He already knows everything you are thinking and feeling. Has it ever occurred to you that nothing ever occurs to God? 

So just TALK to Him, get it all out and when you've got nothing left... Sit back, keep your mouth shut, and LISTEN. Then watch Him work miracles and do the impossible.

Prayer has TEETH. And prayer is never more powerful than when JESUS does most of the talking.  

You can learn to pray like this! And if you do, I promise, it will re-energize your faith and light a fire under your rear like nothing else can. When you see God start to move your mountains—the ones you thought would be there for the rest of your life—well, that kind of power will fundamentally change a person. Then you will be introduced to a God you only THOUGHT you knew!

Peace be with you.

I'll be on the front porch.

In the beginning, God set about creating the world.

On the first day, God created the dog. He spoke to him and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

        

The dog replied, "That's a long time to be barking! How about cutting it to ten years, and I'll give You back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good.

        

On the second day, God created the monkey. He spoke to him and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." 

The monkey replied, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform! Whaddaya say I give You back ten years like the dog did?" Again, God saw that it was good.

        

On the third day, God created the cow. He spoke to him and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." 

The cow replied, "That's an awfully tough life you want me to live for sixty years! Can we make it only twenty years, and I'll give back the other forty?" God agreed that it was good.

        

On the fourth day, God created humans. He spoke to them and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." 

The humans replied, "Only twenty years? That's it? Could You possibly give me my twenty, PLUS the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back? That makes a total of eighty years. Is that okay?" 

God replied, "Okay." He then added, "But remember, you asked for it."

        

This is why we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves for our first twenty years. Then for the next forty, we slave in the sun to support our family, followed by another ten years of doing monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. Then during our remaining ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

        

Life has now been explained to you.

        

(There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I'll be on the front porch.)

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, 

a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

a time to kill and a time to heal, 

a time to tear down and a time to build, 

a time to weep and a time to laugh, 

a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 

a time to search and a time to give up, 

a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

a time to tear and a time to mend, 

a time to be silent and a time to speak, 

a time to love and a time to hate, 

a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him."

—Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Grumpy? Or Grateful?

From today's "Courage to Change" (August 30)

Normally my Sponsor would recommend a gratitude list when I felt low, but one day, when I complained about a family situation, he suggested I list all the things I was unhappy about. Several days later my depression had passed, and when I told my Sponsor about the terrific day I was having, he suggested a gratitude list. He thought it might help me to refer to it the next time I felt blue. That made sense to me, so I complied.

When I went to put this new list in the drawer where I keep my papers, I noticed the earlier list and read it once more. To my surprise, my list of grievances was almost identical to my gratitude list--the same people, same house, same life. NOTHING ABOUT MY CIRCUMSTANCES HAD CHANGED EXCEPT THE WAY I FELT ABOUT THEM. For the first time I truly understood how much my attitude dictates the way I experience the world.

Today's Reminder: Today I recognize how powerful my mind can be. I can't always feel good, and I have no interest in whitewashing my difficulties by pasting a smile on my face. But I can recognize that I am constantly making choices about how I perceive my world. With the help of Al-Anon (recovery) and my friends in the fellowship, I can make those choices more consciously and more actively than ever before.

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." 
(Norman Vincent Peale)

I mean, really. I don't think I need to say anymore, do I? This pretty much speaks for itself. Try, just for today, to have an Attitude of Gratitude. See what comes of it. If your day is sucking already, what do ya have to lose?!? I myself am constantly astonished at how very different I truly am now from who I used to be, inside and out, although not a lot about my circumstances has changed. My heart has, though, and my spirit and my view of the Lord, of myself and of the world around me. A new attitude is like painting a drab white room with a bold and vibrant new color that raises your spirits and makes you sing! You know what I'm talking about... Like going outside on a gorgeous sunny day when there's a breeze and the day is full of hope and promise.

You can have this, too. If you don't like who you are, how you feel, where you're at or what you are doing... CHANGE YOUR MIND. Don't be grumpy. Be GRATEFUL instead!

• What things are you being a right little grump about that you know you need to let go of?
• Who do you need to forgive, whether they deserve it or not? 
• What do you most thank God for? What do you NEED to thank Him for that perhaps you've forgotten?
• What things would be on your gratitude list today? How similar are those items to those on your gripe list?
• What is it that you are holding onto SO TIGHTLY that it's keeping you from having a good attitude and experiencing true freedom? (And I know there's something... we all have one!)
• Last, but certainly not least... Do you KNOW that your success in recovery, in life, in love, in every single thing you do, all comes down to HOW YOU THINK?!? Do you know it and believe it? If not, then get widdit, home slice! You are burnin' daylight.

Lord, thank you for every single thing in my life--the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. Help me to be grateful for all of it, because You work in ALL things for the good of those who are called to You in Christ Jesus. Help me turn my GRIPES into GRATITUDE! AMEN!

Questions... and Answers

I was 14 years old when I "got saved." Three months after my salvation experience, I was raped--this is how I lost my virginity--and I blamed God, like so many others do when things go wrong. I mistakenly believed that now that I was a "Christian," I would no longer have any problems. I was wrong. God never promised us a life without issues. He only promised that we wouldn't ever be alone or be given anything more than we could handle. It would be many years before I learned this lesson in a way that would make a real difference in my day-to-day living.

In my anger over what had happened to me, I wanted to punish God and decided I didn't need a God who would let something so horrible happen to a young girl. I went on and lived my life the way I saw fit, only that didn't work out too well. Ten years later, at age 24, the events of my life occurred in such a way to bring me to the realization that I had believed erroneously about the Lord, and that I needed to rededicate my life to Him. Which I did. But I still harbored some misconceptions about Christ and my part in this play called Life, and these misconceptions were not made real to me until the events that brought me to Celebrate Recovery.

I know now that there is a reason for everything that happens to us, and I know that God is there. His heart is the first to break when bad things happen to His children. It took me a long time to own up to my part in all of it, since I thought I was entitled to better things. But those better things didn't happen until I was ready to take responsibility for my life and my choices. It was in this surrender to God and to the Truth that opened the door to my freedom. Yet I'd be lying if I said that sometimes those questions don't linger... especially on the days that are harder than others.

I can't pretend to understand why God allows certain things to happen, or why He allows such pain to be a part of our lives. I can't explain it and all I know is that it's a good thing I'm not in charge. I tried that and it blew up in my face. I still don't understand it all, but what I do know is that the mistake I was making, at least in part, was trusting in my own view of who I THOUGHT God was and what I thought He should be doing instead of allowing Him to show me who He really is. I was waiting on answers to questions I wasn't sure how to even ask. 

It's fine to want answers to your questions. But we aren't promised that. We don't have to understand or know to obey God. When I get past my immaturity and trust in God's character, and trust that He always has my best interests at heart instead of these answers I think I'm entitled to, I find I can move past the questions to find a peace that transcends anything my finite little brain can really understand.

Some days are so filled with sadness that I can barely stand it. Some days I can feel the presence of sadness so deep in my soul that it feels like I'm suffocating. These are the moments when trusting God become essential to survival and to living a REAL life. When sadness and pain are looming over me like a dark storm cloud, I try to get past wanting to understand my circumstances or the why of this or that, and try instead to understand God Himself. Then, and only then, do things have a way of working themselves out. Maybe I'll get it or maybe I won't. But answers like I would like to have them aren't a prerequisite for peace and contentment in my life. 

Let's say for the sake of argument that God told us the things we think we want to know at the moment we ask. Frankly, I'm not certain I would really believe Him. There are things that have happened to me that, at the time they were occurring, if God or anyone else had told me how it was all going to work out, I'd have called them crazy and probably chosen a different path that would have led to results I might not like as much. 

I guess what I'm saying is that God doesn't keep secrets from us. He knows us intimately and far better than we know ourselves. He knows the exact number of hairs on our head, what we are thinking or feeling at any given moment, and what's more, He knows our future... He already knows everything that's going to happen, how we are going to feel about it, what we are going to think and what we are going to choose, and how it's all going to turn out. If He pulled up a chair in front of the fire and told me all of it, I probably just wouldn't believe Him. You probably wouldn't either. 

It's not wrong for us to have questions. What's wrong is when we think we are entitled to answers that we wouldn't own if we were given them. God is bigger than our questions, He encourages us asking them because He is big enough to take it. 

Jesus Christ is the answer to every question that has ever been asked, no matter how great or small the question. What's more, He is the only way to move beyond those questions. It's called FAITH. If you scour the Bible for how the heroes lived, every single last one of them had questions. Yet every single last one of them were required to move beyond those questions and trust in the One who created them. Every single last one of them were required to use faith in situations that were bigger than they were, where mere reason just wouldn't cut it. 

At the end of the day, each of us has to decide what's more important: answers, or Christ. You will know you are on the right path with God when you choose Christ, because you know that with faith and obedience, in time, the answers will come... and by the time you get answers, they won't matter near as much to you as Christ Himself does.

Lord, I ask that you help me move past my questions to The Answer: YOU. Please help me not to let my pain or my sadness or my unbelief keep me from knowing you and obeying you. I ask that you quiet my heart and solidify my spirit in such a way that allows me to live well and in You despite my questions, and to know that the answers will come in Your time, not mine. Amen.

Remade

Of all the songs I've heard lately, I think this one sums up best what it's like to go through recovery and the experience of having God change your mind, your heart and your life. It takes a while to realize that good things are actually happening, and until you've been at it for a while, there's still the fear that you may have gone too far, done too much, fallen too far past God's ability to forgive you or heal you.

This song is so beautifully written. It touches on both the fear of being damaged beyond repair and the fact that NO ONE is too far out of God's reach. And it's true what he sings about in the chorus: Once you REALLY see yourself as you REALLY are in GOD'S eyes, and know that you are a new creature, it changes everything.

Everything.

You are more than you ever knew or dreamed possible. When you've allowed yourself to be "remade" by the Lord, it is wonderful. Because it can never, ever, EVER be taken away from you.

Enjoy.





YOU ARE MORE
Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love." 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade.

++++++++++++

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:16-17)

Magic Math

There's a saying you hear a lot in recovery: "Your best thinking got you here." Meaning, that our futile attempts at fixing our problems on our own put us flat on our backs and in more desperate need of help than ever before. "Best thinking" occurs when we decide that we know better than God, and choose to try and enforce our wills and our way. "Best thinking" is rooted in denial. Rather than accept that God's way is better, we try to change the rules.

But our way never works. If it did, there wouldn't be an issue, yeah? "Your best thinking got you here." We tend to think we know best. But recovery isn't about what we KNOW. It comes down to what we are willing to ACCEPT. When we put denial down and choose to accept truth in its totality, and live by it unaltered, we may still hurt or experience unpleasantness. Or we might not! Either way it's a win/win situation because it's REAL. It is through this process where we begin to experience true healing and see God's awesome power. The only way OUT is THROUGH.

Acceptance of... what, exactly? Jesus. Truth. Authenticity. Living honestly in every moment, even if that moment sucks. The fruit of the spirit starts blooming like mad in our lives when we do this. The first step is to ACCEPT that we are broken; that we are not in control; that our lives have become unmanageable and that we are powerless over our tendencies to do the wrong thing. Everyone has a 100% failure rate with "my way." Yet we kept doing it, hoping for a different result each time. That is the very definition of insanity, and the polar opposite of Lordship.

My own "best thinking" started years ago in a dreaded math class, resulting in a mindset and an approach to life that I now affectionately refer to as "Magic Math." I hated math when I was in school. It was harder for me than the other subjects. Teachers would go over the problem: 2 + 2 = 4. Aight, cool. Got it. But it was still hard for me, and I quickly grew bored with things that I didn't understand or couldn't control. Eventually I grew bored with 4. I even copped an attitude with 4. I was sick and tired of 4! I looked around and decided 5 sounded good. I want 5! So I arbitrarily decided that the answer to 2 + 2 would heretofore be FIVE. ("Plaintiff wins!" ::bangs gavel:: "Court is adjourned.") 

Next test: 2 + 2 = 5. 

Next grade: F! 

As if this wasn't already stupid enough, I had the audacity to actually get mad about my grade! The teacher patiently (VERY patiently, now that I think about it) explained that 2 + 2 = 4, and that if I answered 5 I'd fail. But did I learn my lesson? Nope. (What would be the fun in that?!) Instead I kept at my Magic Math. But alas, every time I put 5 down as the answer for 2 + 2, I failed. I'd get mad every time, and I'd get the same response: "The answer to 2 +2 is 4 and it will always be 4. Math is EXACT; it has rules. Just because you don't like the answer doesn't mean you can just make it up or change it to your liking. Then it would cease to be MATH." 

True story! (I only wish I was making this up.) Of course I knew that 2 + 2 = 4, I just didn't like it. Clearly I had issues with authority and rules... And if you think I had an attitude with 2 + 2, it got worse when I got to Algebra! Oddly enough, the same rules that apply in basic math apply in more advanced math, and until you accept and understand the basics, you can't do what follows. But I still continued to choose Magic Math.

This epic failure in education spilled over into every area of my life. The problem wasn't that I was stupid—clearly not since I could think through the process and come up with a plan (albeit a bad one). The problem was that I resisted the truth and refused to apply what I knew. The problem was with my CHOICES. I used Magic Math, even though it was wrong, didn't work and resulted in me failing time and time again. But instead of admitting I was wrong, I'd just try even harder at Magic Math! Each time I would study hard, work the problem, go over it with the teacher, think and meditate and evaluate, come up with all these "really good reasons" why 2 + 2 should = 5. I would take the test and turn it in, convinced I just ACED IT! I show up next class proud as a peacock cuz JEN is a math GENIUS! Only my grades clearly demonstrated that "genius" wasn't the most accurate term for my math skills—or my life skills.

As if my failing grades weren't bad enough, my attitude about the whole thing got worse, too. I would be HACKED! And take it out on the teachers, like it was THEIR fault somehow. (Hmmm perhaps I owe a few teachers some amends...?) They'd go over it with me. Again. But I'd just do my Magic Math. Again. And get mad. At THEM. Again. Because somebody was to blame and it certainly couldn't be MY fault for answering 5 to 2 + 2!!!! (Translation: He's a jerk, she started it, I didn't know it would turn out like this... You see where I'm going here?)

One of the absolute worst feelings in the world is to convince yourself that "this time" is different and you are right, only to have everything turn out the same way it always has, despite all your good intentions. It leaves you confused and hopeless. GAH I hate that feeling, don't you? But that's what happens, every time, when you expect 2 + 2 to equal 5. Because it just doesn't! In addition, blaming everyone else for YOUR choices, and getting mad at God because He won't bend the rules for you, is as futile as trying to make 2 + 2 = anything but 4. 

Here is what it took me 38 years to get: 2 + 2 = 4. Say it out loud with me: 2 + 2 = 4. Are you getting it? Say it again: 2 + 2 = 4. All together now! 2 + 2 = 4. 

To give you an idea of what a stubborn mule I can be, 2 PLUS 2 STILL EQUALLED 4 during THREE SEMESTERS of remedial math in COLLEGE. (Oh yeah, I did! This from a girl with an IQ of 130! Proof that intelligence does NOT equal wisdom... and that college professors are far less forgiving and patient than high school teachers.) 

Guess what else? 2 + 2 = 4. 

Reminder: 2 + 2 = 4. Always. There is no exception to this, ever. There is no "I before E except after C" rule and no loopholes in the fine print. Whether we like it or not, 2 + 2 = 4. Period. End of story, closed discussion, no take-backs, no crossing your fingers, pencils-down-the-test-is-over. There is no getting around it, under it or through it. 2 + 2 = 4 in spite of how special, privileged or connected you might be. Even if you are deeply offended, 2 + 2 = 4. Your circumstances, your past and your beliefs are irrelevant: 2 + 2 = 4. It's a free country, and you may strongly oppose and vehemently argue for how an exception should be made, and it will not change the fact that 2 + 2 = 4. 

Hey, by the way, in case you didn't hear me: 2 + 2 = 4. 

POP QUIZ: 2 + 2 = ____? (Is that FOUR, you say? Are you sure...? Is that your Final Answer?) Yep, 2 + 2 = 4, and it will continue to equal 4, every time and for all of eternity. 2 + 2 will NEVER equal 5 or anything else except 4. If the problem is 2 + 2 and you want 5, let me clue you in: that ain't gonna happen with 2 + 2, so you best get prepared for 4. 

My point: Math ain't magic. Neither is life! You cannot do the same problem over and over again if you want a different answer, nor can you just change the answer to one you like. THE ONLY WAY to get a different answer is to CHANGE THE EQUATION. 2 + 2 will NEVER be 5... unless... YOU ADD 1!!! See? Now that you've accepted the truth of of 2 + 2, you've done something different. Ergo, NOW you will get a different result. BECAUSE YOU CHANGED THE EQUATION.

You can deny the truth that 2 + 2 = 4, but it won't make it any less true. Truth, like math, is innately unchangeable. It can't be manipulated, tweaked, spun, changed or altered. It is what it is... And if you DO change it in some way, then the premise or idea you were operating under is no longer true. Meaning, if your answer is 5, then whatever equation you worked, you can rest assured that it was NOT 2 + 2.  
One more time: 2 + 2 = 4.

Was all that annoying enough for you? Because we can go over it again... (Just kidding.) As annoyed as you are at this moment, imagine how it must have been for ME as I LIVED IT! Imagine how it was for the teacher, who knew the answer and had invested so much time in explaining it, yet had to watch in helpless frustration as a girl with so much intelligence and potential failed repeatedly—not because she didn't KNOW the answer, but because she wouldn't ACCEPT it. (After all, they couldn't take the test for me or MAKE me answer correctly.) Now, if you think it couldn't possibly get MORE annoying, just imagine if I was STILL fighting for 5 as the answer. Worst of all, imagine how it is for the Lord, who loves each and every one of us that He never gives up on us, no matter how many times we deny Him, the ultimate and eternal truth. Or perhaps you don't have to imagine at all because you have your own brand of Magic Math or "best thinking."

Just as 2 + 2 = 4, Knowledge + Application = Wisdom. Wisdom is merely knowledge applied. A person can possess a wealth of knowledge, they can have a genius IQ, but that doesn't make them wise. Speaking from experience, I was one of the dumbest smart people you'll ever come across. You can be the smartest person in the room and you can know everything. But until you actually USE WHAT YOU KNOW and APPLY IT to your life, you are as dumb as anyone else. If that weren't true, then not one of us would ever know a really smart person who's life was a wreck. In addition, it is ONLY through the process of acquiring wisdom that we truly come to know God, which in turn benefits not only ourselves but everyone around us.

Consider, for instance, how different our daily lives are today than, say, a century ago. Why? Because people applied what they knew. As a society, we are constantly seeking answers and pursuing meaning. Our curious natures drive us to ask "Why?" and "How?" We dream of possibilities. Art, science, exploration and discovery all originate with the need to find answers to these questions. Every invention began with a single individual who had an idea trying to solve a problem or express creativity, and in the process gained knowledge and discovered truths that had to be applied for those ideas to become a tangible reality. Without application, those ideas would have remained mere thoughts in one person's mind. But the process of applying what they knew had a real-life effect, both on them and those around them. I don't think anyone would deny that electricity, for example, or running water, cures and treatments for diseases or even the Internet, haven't had a significant impact on our lives. Surely no one would deny that Facebook has changed history. Alexander Graham Bell, for instance, didn't say, "Well golly gee, isn't that nice to know and wouldn't that be neat?" Einstein didn't say, "Hmmm... I wonder if..." and then sit on his batonkus and wonder some more about it. These two men changed history, as did countless other men and women. 

Of course I am dramatically oversimplifying here to make a point. My "best thinking" resulted in Magic Math, which resulted in failing grades and then a failing life. Even in the moments when I knew I was wrong, I refused to apply that and piled on with the denial. It was all an unnecessary and futile pursuit, especially when in the end, I had to accept the truth anyway. After exhausting ALL avenues (and I do mean ALL of them!), God was all I had left! I hate that it took me so long to accept what it was ridiculous and counterproductive to resist in the first place. God has SO MUCH MORE for us when we stop going to Him as a Hail Mary pass in the final seconds of the fourth quarter. When we forego the Magic Math mindset, and choose to accept truth and apply what we know, it has an impact on our lives that is ETERNALLY significant. That's much more beneficial than things like electricity, the telephone (and yes, even Facebook!) will ever be. 

Magic Math is worthless. Our best thinking is worthless. Only a life connected to God really matters. Once you know the truth, you have to apply that truth. USE it or LOSE it. I'm sure in reading this you were like, OK OK I get it already! But do you really? It's not enough to just KNOW it! If you GET IT then you will LIVE IT. 

"Easy Does It" (part 2)

In my first blog post earlier today by this title, I talked about how hard it was for me in my first year of recovery because I let the guilt over past mistakes and my fears about accepting who I really was push me in a kind of urgency to "fix it" as quickly as possible, rather than giving it over to God and letting Him lead me the way He saw fit. I discussed my shock at the fact that I hit rock bottom in my recovery as God removed the final excuses and justifications I'd used as "plausible" reasons for my behavior and mindset in the past. I stated how, once I stopped trying to do recovery my way and relaxed into simply trusting God and obeying Him instead, "easy does it" became more palatable to me. 

I'm now 3 and a half years into recovery, and I'm finding that I feel a new kind of fear, resulting in a new resistance to "easy does it." I've identified this through my journaling, which I'm still doing pretty faithfully. (If you aren't already, journaling is the most excellent weapon you have in your recovery arsenal to record your progress or lack thereof and identify areas on which you need to work.) I've noticed recently that I have developed a bit of fear and anxiety—or perhaps it was there all along…? I am still processing it, but I think the anxiety is coming from an underlying fear that if I have to revisit something that maybe I never really got it to begin with, or that I've somehow lost ground already gained. But since I know this isn't true, I'm declaring war on Satan and going to God with it. 

They tell you at the beginning of recovery that it's a lifelong journey; that once you achieve a state of well-being and healing, the only way to keep it is maintenance—to keep on keeping on. Two of the ways to keep your finger on the true pulse of where you are and how you are doing is journaling and doing a daily inventory. This keeps an open channel of honest communication between you and God, and it's a good way to keep your memory accurate as well… especially when the tendency is to remember things the way you want to remember them rather than as they actually happened.

I know all this, but clearly need to re-learn it. Because once you do "get well" and you have reached a point where you are free from your past and the ghosts are laid to rest, it's easy to become complacent, or to inadvertently let your guard down because you "already know that." It's especially hard when you have been walking a path for a long enough period of time that it becomes harder to remember how it used to be since you are no longer directly exposed to those things on a daily basis. When you are in some way exposed to it again—which WILL happen since that's just how life works—I think we can easily become afraid that ghosts will be resurrected or come back to haunt us somehow. Yet this is "stinking thinking" because the power of God is absolute and eternal. We can't be robbed of our victories, but we can give them away if we choose to, and unless we keep our eyes focused on Christ, this will be easy to do. No one wants to or likes having to revisit lessons they've already learned, but sometimes it may be necessary. I'm uncertain why this is difficult for me, since the Bible says that yesterday's grace is not sufficient for today; we are to renew our hearts and minds with Him every day. 

My journal entries and recorded prayers have opened my eyes to the fact that I seem to have become hyper-sensitive to certain criticisms coming from two of my closest people. The victory here is that I DO see it and own it, and I know now that I don't have to fight them on what they are saying since I know they are loyal and have my back. However, I still feel defensive and am pretty quick to explain away, running my mouth when I should be listening instead. I need to remember that recovery takes time, for both the person in it and those affected by it. Everyone in recovery needs to show grace to those with whom they've established a track record of bad choices and behavior. It will take them some time to buy into the "new you," and the more you have hurt or disappointed a certain person, the longer it may take. Time will either promote you or expose you. So there's no need to try and convince someone you are different. Just keep on doing what you've been doing, let God's healing and transformation continue to take place, and they will see for themselves. You won't have to say it because you'll be doing it. 

I'm sharing this with you, my dear readers, because there are serious misconceptions in today's world about the true nature of the Christian life and what it really means to claim Jesus as your Lord and Savior. If you are one of those people who think that Christians don't struggle, or don't have troubles and worries, or that we aren't as fallible as those who don't adhere to the Christian worldview, then you are truly mistaken. It's not all your fault, though, as I believe that there are far too many "Christians" who always answer "Fine!" to the question, "How are you?" because they think they are somehow sinning or wrong simply because they are having a hard time. This is WRONG! When did it become unacceptable for those of us who claim Jesus to make mistakes, struggle with life or just have a bad day?

Don't misunderstand me here. I am overjoyed every time I hear someone share a story full of sugar, sunshine and roses. Praise God for every single blessing and victory! However, real life isn't a neat little play with pretty sets, scripted lines and closure for every conflict. Real life is messy. People are messy! There are loose ends, unfinished business, overcast days. So while I appreciate those songs sung from the choir loft full of joy and hope, I'm much more interested and learn so much more when I hear the details behind how he or she actually got there. 

No one magically wakes up one day to a peachy keen life. There were days, weeks, months, even years, of struggle, indecision, confusion, guilt, mistakes, missteps and pain. THAT is what I want to hear. Tell me your victories, yes! Preach on! But all of us who claim to love Jesus do others and ourselves a disservice when we go on and on about the silver linings and leave out the part about the clouds. Why? Because no one really changes unless they HAVE TO. Unfortunately, part of the human condition is that we tend not to learn or make a move until it HURTS SO BAD that we have to! Logically, this means we learn so much more from defeat than we do victory. 

Plus, the true power and nature of Christ is revealed in the circumstances in which He developed our character. Even Paul, the greatest missionary and herald of Christ who ever lived, talked about this. In 2 Corinthians 9, he states: "… Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Did you get that? God says "My power is made perfect in weakness." Paul didn't say, oh, everything is fine. He shared honestly instead, saying, hey I have a thorn and it's bugging me and it scares me but God says I can handle it so I am gonna take him at his word and believe it and KNOW that I can! What this tells me is that perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong. Again, no one likes having to revisit things when they "already know that." However, perhaps what FEELS like retracing old steps to me isn't really old ground already covered at all. Maybe God trying to say, "No, darlin', this is a brand new lesson. You don't have to be afraid! I'm trying to exhibit My power through you in a new way."

So I suppose that no matter how long one is in recovery and no matter how far you've come, there will always be a new way in which God can grow you. "Easy does it" is as applicable now as it was then! He can only reveal these opportunities for growth to us by shining light on a weakness. Rather than taking that with fear, I choose today instead to see it for the opportunity it really is—a chance for God to make His power PERFECT in me. I also choose today to share honestly with you and with others instead of sugar coating it as if I never struggle anymore.

Because I do. And thank the Lord for this, since there is honor in the struggle. What's more, it's only in the struggle that I can find any true victory. 

Dear Lord, I pray that my honesty about things helps someone today who may be having a hard time telling it like it is. I pray that person will stop saying, "I'm fine." I pray they will instead recognize that You love them, that they are never more safe than with You, and that they will first be honest with You and then with the person that You put in their path to help them along their journey. I pray that we all will stop pretending all is well in the moments when we need to reach out, and that as we become more open to weaknesses in our lives that we will remember "easy does it" means we can fully trust You to take us, one step at a time, through these things, instead of rushing through it and missing the point entirely. Thank You for what You are doing through me and in me personally, and I pray that I will glean every single thing that You want me to. Thank You for making us strong and Your power perfect in the places where we feel the most vulnerable. That is so brilliant! Amen.