"Easy Does It" (part 2)

In my first blog post earlier today by this title, I talked about how hard it was for me in my first year of recovery because I let the guilt over past mistakes and my fears about accepting who I really was push me in a kind of urgency to "fix it" as quickly as possible, rather than giving it over to God and letting Him lead me the way He saw fit. I discussed my shock at the fact that I hit rock bottom in my recovery as God removed the final excuses and justifications I'd used as "plausible" reasons for my behavior and mindset in the past. I stated how, once I stopped trying to do recovery my way and relaxed into simply trusting God and obeying Him instead, "easy does it" became more palatable to me. 

I'm now 3 and a half years into recovery, and I'm finding that I feel a new kind of fear, resulting in a new resistance to "easy does it." I've identified this through my journaling, which I'm still doing pretty faithfully. (If you aren't already, journaling is the most excellent weapon you have in your recovery arsenal to record your progress or lack thereof and identify areas on which you need to work.) I've noticed recently that I have developed a bit of fear and anxiety—or perhaps it was there all along…? I am still processing it, but I think the anxiety is coming from an underlying fear that if I have to revisit something that maybe I never really got it to begin with, or that I've somehow lost ground already gained. But since I know this isn't true, I'm declaring war on Satan and going to God with it. 

They tell you at the beginning of recovery that it's a lifelong journey; that once you achieve a state of well-being and healing, the only way to keep it is maintenance—to keep on keeping on. Two of the ways to keep your finger on the true pulse of where you are and how you are doing is journaling and doing a daily inventory. This keeps an open channel of honest communication between you and God, and it's a good way to keep your memory accurate as well… especially when the tendency is to remember things the way you want to remember them rather than as they actually happened.

I know all this, but clearly need to re-learn it. Because once you do "get well" and you have reached a point where you are free from your past and the ghosts are laid to rest, it's easy to become complacent, or to inadvertently let your guard down because you "already know that." It's especially hard when you have been walking a path for a long enough period of time that it becomes harder to remember how it used to be since you are no longer directly exposed to those things on a daily basis. When you are in some way exposed to it again—which WILL happen since that's just how life works—I think we can easily become afraid that ghosts will be resurrected or come back to haunt us somehow. Yet this is "stinking thinking" because the power of God is absolute and eternal. We can't be robbed of our victories, but we can give them away if we choose to, and unless we keep our eyes focused on Christ, this will be easy to do. No one wants to or likes having to revisit lessons they've already learned, but sometimes it may be necessary. I'm uncertain why this is difficult for me, since the Bible says that yesterday's grace is not sufficient for today; we are to renew our hearts and minds with Him every day. 

My journal entries and recorded prayers have opened my eyes to the fact that I seem to have become hyper-sensitive to certain criticisms coming from two of my closest people. The victory here is that I DO see it and own it, and I know now that I don't have to fight them on what they are saying since I know they are loyal and have my back. However, I still feel defensive and am pretty quick to explain away, running my mouth when I should be listening instead. I need to remember that recovery takes time, for both the person in it and those affected by it. Everyone in recovery needs to show grace to those with whom they've established a track record of bad choices and behavior. It will take them some time to buy into the "new you," and the more you have hurt or disappointed a certain person, the longer it may take. Time will either promote you or expose you. So there's no need to try and convince someone you are different. Just keep on doing what you've been doing, let God's healing and transformation continue to take place, and they will see for themselves. You won't have to say it because you'll be doing it. 

I'm sharing this with you, my dear readers, because there are serious misconceptions in today's world about the true nature of the Christian life and what it really means to claim Jesus as your Lord and Savior. If you are one of those people who think that Christians don't struggle, or don't have troubles and worries, or that we aren't as fallible as those who don't adhere to the Christian worldview, then you are truly mistaken. It's not all your fault, though, as I believe that there are far too many "Christians" who always answer "Fine!" to the question, "How are you?" because they think they are somehow sinning or wrong simply because they are having a hard time. This is WRONG! When did it become unacceptable for those of us who claim Jesus to make mistakes, struggle with life or just have a bad day?

Don't misunderstand me here. I am overjoyed every time I hear someone share a story full of sugar, sunshine and roses. Praise God for every single blessing and victory! However, real life isn't a neat little play with pretty sets, scripted lines and closure for every conflict. Real life is messy. People are messy! There are loose ends, unfinished business, overcast days. So while I appreciate those songs sung from the choir loft full of joy and hope, I'm much more interested and learn so much more when I hear the details behind how he or she actually got there. 

No one magically wakes up one day to a peachy keen life. There were days, weeks, months, even years, of struggle, indecision, confusion, guilt, mistakes, missteps and pain. THAT is what I want to hear. Tell me your victories, yes! Preach on! But all of us who claim to love Jesus do others and ourselves a disservice when we go on and on about the silver linings and leave out the part about the clouds. Why? Because no one really changes unless they HAVE TO. Unfortunately, part of the human condition is that we tend not to learn or make a move until it HURTS SO BAD that we have to! Logically, this means we learn so much more from defeat than we do victory. 

Plus, the true power and nature of Christ is revealed in the circumstances in which He developed our character. Even Paul, the greatest missionary and herald of Christ who ever lived, talked about this. In 2 Corinthians 9, he states: "… Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Did you get that? God says "My power is made perfect in weakness." Paul didn't say, oh, everything is fine. He shared honestly instead, saying, hey I have a thorn and it's bugging me and it scares me but God says I can handle it so I am gonna take him at his word and believe it and KNOW that I can! What this tells me is that perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong. Again, no one likes having to revisit things when they "already know that." However, perhaps what FEELS like retracing old steps to me isn't really old ground already covered at all. Maybe God trying to say, "No, darlin', this is a brand new lesson. You don't have to be afraid! I'm trying to exhibit My power through you in a new way."

So I suppose that no matter how long one is in recovery and no matter how far you've come, there will always be a new way in which God can grow you. "Easy does it" is as applicable now as it was then! He can only reveal these opportunities for growth to us by shining light on a weakness. Rather than taking that with fear, I choose today instead to see it for the opportunity it really is—a chance for God to make His power PERFECT in me. I also choose today to share honestly with you and with others instead of sugar coating it as if I never struggle anymore.

Because I do. And thank the Lord for this, since there is honor in the struggle. What's more, it's only in the struggle that I can find any true victory. 

Dear Lord, I pray that my honesty about things helps someone today who may be having a hard time telling it like it is. I pray that person will stop saying, "I'm fine." I pray they will instead recognize that You love them, that they are never more safe than with You, and that they will first be honest with You and then with the person that You put in their path to help them along their journey. I pray that we all will stop pretending all is well in the moments when we need to reach out, and that as we become more open to weaknesses in our lives that we will remember "easy does it" means we can fully trust You to take us, one step at a time, through these things, instead of rushing through it and missing the point entirely. Thank You for what You are doing through me and in me personally, and I pray that I will glean every single thing that You want me to. Thank You for making us strong and Your power perfect in the places where we feel the most vulnerable. That is so brilliant! Amen.