2009 is almost over. This year SO did not turn out like I thought it was going to… I started the year off in a relationship with someone I thought I’d be with for a long time. It ended the next month. And I got back on the recovery path and I’ve not wavered from it since. The last ten months of my life have been the most incredible I have ever had, because I’m in a place right now that I wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. I only wish I could have reached this mindset sooner.
I used to have a speaking ministry years ago, and I loved doing it. I’m good at it, too—mostly cuz I love to talk. J (Shocking, I know) I gave my testimony numerous times to varying sizes of audiences, the biggest being about 3,000 people. Speaking didn’t scare me back then. But living sure did! I was such a sick little girl! My past and my mistakes had me in chains I’d grown so used to being bound by that I ceased to know they were there. All that resulted in me making very bad decisions, one of which effectively ended my speaking ministry. I stopped speaking all together since I no longer felt worthy of my message, and I’m big on being authentic.
That was over ten years ago. Fast forward to this past October, when I was asked to give my testimony again for the first time in over a decade. I was kinda freaked out. On top of that I was mad that I was freaked out about it, which freaked me out some more. You might say I was freaked out by how freaked out I was! And it really put me on edge since I didn’t understand WHY I was wigging over something I’d done a thousand times in the past. I mean it’s not like I have trouble talking about Christ and what He’s done for me, and I’m certainly not shy or PC. Still, I was extremely nervous about it. In fact, I came very close to wiggling out of it—so I hit my knees and began to talk to God and ask Him to lead me and to put the words HE wanted me to say in my mouth since my testimony is really HIS story anyway.
A lot happened during that time and I’ll blog that at a later date. Suffice it to say, God was faithful as always, and it ended up going better than I had even dreamed it might. One thing He showed me during that time was that I was wigging because my testimony had no ending—I’m still going through the recovery process; it’s not over yet! In the past, my story had a beginning, a middle and an end. It was complete. But this story that I’m living in now is still being played out… I know the ending is that God and I end up together for eternity—a real happy ending, as all good love stories should have. But how I get there and all that happens along the way is still a plot up for grabs, and I’m the writer-in-charge… how it’s written is really all up to me. I’ve decided that while I’m holding the pen and doing the writing, God is the Editor-in-Chief and it’ll be more like dictation than creative writing.
If my life were a book, it would be in two parts. Part 1, my past, was a compilation of all the bad stuff that I survived, and then later on all the convictions, lessons, words and concepts I’d gleaned from my heroes of the faith. In other words—that story is part of me, but it’s not about me. I was a splintered person; I hadn’t yet allowed God to write His words on my heart so that they were my words. And that is the whole point of us being here… to worship Christ, love Him and proclaim Him in our own unique and individual ways, for Christ to tell HIS story through us, making it a truly individual tale every time.
Part 1 of my life’s book was more a collection of short stories, written by others, all of which played a role in shaping who I was. I let others put words in my mouth; I was constantly trying to please everyone and ultimately never pleasing anyone, especially myself. Instead of doing the dirty work and forming my own opinions and convictions, I parroted others and tried to tell myself it was all mine. No one can live your life but YOU; it's not enough to trust in what you glean from others. You must learn to trust YOURSELF, to know your OWN mind, which is impossible to do without Christ. Essentially the Part 1 of my story wasn't really mine. I was mimicking, but not really living. There was some good stuff in Part 1 but needed to find a thread I could weave throughout it all and turn it into a story that was all my own.
Part 2, though, my good friends, is a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. I've been in Part 2 for ten months now and so far, so good! My relationship with Christ, my recovery work and the love and support of exceptionally good friends has formed the basis of what's turning out to be one helluva sequel! I'm free of the past and those chains... Yeah. That's right. I said FREE, y'all! FREEEEEEE! 2009 has been an epic year for me! It's been tough at times, painful and a LOT scary, but I've hung in there and I'm SO glad I did! God has connected the dots and brought it all together in a miraculous fashion to this place that I’m in right now. God has given me a story that is special, separate, unique and whole. Now it’s time to continue writing.
I was scared at first of the concept of my life being a book with past pages filled with all the things that were horrible about me, along with a sequel filled with a bunch of blank pages yet to be written on and that I was responsible for putting a story to. Today that concept THRILLS me, because my life can be whatever I make of it… Sure, I’m gonna screw up and get it wrong some. But just think of all the awesome things that I can fill those blank pages with, things that MATTER.
I'm entitling Part 1 of my life story "JEN: The Ashes." It's a tragic and sad story of the old Jen, a rough draft of a life without Christ and worthy only for the cutting room floor. That tale was full of pain and misery and sin—but thankfully, sin wasn’t the end of the story...
Part 2 is called "JEN: The Beauty." Because God has indeed made beauty out of piles of ashes as big as mountains; He's redeeming all the time wasted and lost, restoring relationships and healing me day by day. THIS story, the
And of course I have the perfect song for this, just in case this book is ever made into a movie! (What's an Oscar-worthy story without an equally awesome soundtrack, right?) The story's theme is “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. LOVE THIS SONG. Below I’ve posted the video and the lyrics… listen to the song, really
What has occurred in your life up until this very moment, right
May God bless and keep you as you fill in what's yet to be written.
Unwritten
By Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten
can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
the pen's in my hand
ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...
I break tradition
sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
yeah yeah
We've been conditioned
to not make mistakes
but I can't live that way
oh oh
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins--
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins--
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...
The rest is still unwritten...
The rest is still unwritten...
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