Dear Me: I HATE YOU

I stumbled upon this today looking for something else, and I wanted to share it.

April 4, 2008

Dear Me,

I HATE you. I hate everything about you. You suck the life out of everyone around you. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You hurt everyone you claim to love. You destroy everything you touch. You are DEAD to me, and I won't miss you. You've hurt my kids, you've hurt me, you've hurt my Lord. I hope you rot in the same kind of hell you've created for me.

GOODBYE
and good riddance

[unsigned]

This is a letter I had to write to myself in my four-day recovery workshop two years ago. The pure, black, unadulterated HATRED literally exploded off the page, hitting me full in the face. I remembered writing it, what I was feeling as I used my pen as a knife to slash and maim and tear... I didn't even bother to sign it...

And then I wept, a long time, for this girl...

I wanted to share this and I'll be writing more about this later, but for now I'm going to be very UN-JEN and shut up, letting the letter speak for itself... Except to say that no matter who you are or what you've done, NO ONE should have to feel this way about themselves.

Happy Recovery Birthday to ME!

Today, February 19, 2010, marks ONE YEAR of recovery for me. Happy Recovery Birthday to me! **insert balloons, cakes, banners & rock band**

Most refer to their anniversaries in recovery as "sobriety birthdays" but I don't. I have the utmost respect for sobriety and those who view their milestones in this manner. Sobriety IS important, I just think the issue is bigger than merely "getting sober." HEALING recovery comes down to a question of motive, I think...are you looking to get well for NOW? Or for EVER? A quick fix versus true, lasting healing... You can "get sober" and still be REAL effed up. I should know: my dad was a "dry drunk" who stopped his drinking, but never got help for any of the issues that instigated his drinking in the first place. In fact, this approach only made him worse... He was far meaner with his words and more destructive in his denial than he ever dreamed of being with his fists. To me he wasn't really "sober" in the true definition of the word, and he was definitely FAR from being healed. 

One year ago today, I made a crucial decision—I decided to "do something different." This became my mantra, as many of you know because you've heard it for the last year ad nauseum! There was a catalyst event that, combined with everything in my life, brought me to a defining, crossroads moment where the manner in which I lived the REST OF MY LIFE came down to the answer to this question: NOT, do I want to get well? But rather: am I willing to change and to do whatever it takes to get well? Because the answer to that question was altogether a horse of a different color. No one WANTS to be an addict, or screw up his or her life, or hurt others, etc. Wanting to get well and doing something about it are two very different things. Recovery is not about what you WANT, it's about what you are WILLING TO DO. Was I willing to GET OVER MYSELF and do whatever was required to get well, to really change? 

True change occurs in the context of one's perceptions, choices and mindset. Recovery should cure the disease, not just treat the symptoms. It should be about TOTAL healing...which goes WAY deeper than the ways in which you choose to act out. Living a healthy, recovered life comes down to how you think. So in that moment, I chose Jesus, and decided to change my mind and pursue my relationship with God and healing with the same reckless abandon and wholehearted commitment to which I’d given everything else in my life that was bad and had caused me to need help in the first place. And there began a journey over the past year that is unlike any other road I've ever been down. The following verses sort of sum it all up:

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.” (Philippians 3:7-16)

“There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven…

a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build…

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end… I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3, 11 & 14)

In the beginning, I will frankly admit that choosing recovery was not a decision I fully believed in… I wasn't sure I could really change a damn thing or live a different life. But it hurt SO BAD—the cuts were deep enough that I became desperate to just TRY it, even if it didn’t work out. My life was in shambles and I had to do something… and what I’d been doing for so many years just wasn’t working. I couldn’t hide anymore.

It was also a decision of FAITH… “Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.” I was sure that I hoped to stop hurting, get well, live better… and I absolutely could not see it. But I was at the end of my rope…SOMETHING had to give or as bad as it already was, it was gonna get even worse. Although I couldn't imagine what "worse" could possibly be, I knew from long experience that just when you think it can't get worse, it absolutely CAN. I had to get over it and move on, but how? It always starts with YOURSELF, with taking personal responsibility for your choices and the consequences of them. And I can tell you the biggest thing I’ve gotten over this past year is myself. Choosing JESUS is choosing life. And not a crappy unhappy life, either! Yes, I had a LOT to deal with, and I won’t lie—it wasn’t easy. BUT… the life I have now was worth the effort. Every tear, every hurt, every offense, every drop of sweat, every ounce of blood, every price paid, every obstacle overcome, every fear faced… it was ALL WORTH IT.

I’ve had my time to be destroyed, killed, torn down… it’s now my time for healing and building…. And I’m building on and in Jesus… A REAL, TRUE relationship with Christ is the best and most precious gift one can ever hope to receive. Healing, recovery, all of it, it all begins and ends with Him and in Him. All that I was is now clean in Him. All that I am is now rooted in Him. And all that I hope to be is now defined by Him. The utter confidence that I have in myself now is, oddly enough, nothing to do with me at all. It comes from knowing exactly who I am in Christ, what He's done for me and the fact that what God does will endure forever; it can never be taken from me.

I want to take this moment to celebrate the VICTORY of today! I’m still not all I should be, but I'm for damn sure not who I was! This is where “progress, not perfection” comes into play and makes all the difference, because I AM better! “All the struggle I thought was in vain, all the mistakes one life contained—all finally start to go away… I feel like I can face the day. And I can forgive. And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.” (From Staind's "So Far Away")

I’d also like to take this moment to thank every single person, friend or foe, who has spoken into my life. Prayed for me. Believed in me when I had no belief left in myself. Loved me. Had my back. Gotten in my face. Told me the truth even when it crushed me. Interceded for me with God. Fought for me. Supported and encouraged me, especially when I wanted to give up. Cried with me. Laughed with me (and sometimes AT me!). Been used by the Lord whether you knew it or not to show me, guide me, teach me… One of the biggest lessons is that you cannot do it alone. You just can't. If you could've fixed everything yourself, you'd have already done it. That's why we need friends, people who will form a hedge around us, hold us accountable and help us get to where we need to go. So thank you to every single person who played a part in where I am today... I love you all, whether you are active in my life today or not… you know who you are…


Last but certainly not least, I want to thank Jesus Christ, because without Him none of this would be possible nor would it be of any value. He is the key to it all. I hate that statement offends some people and puts them off to the help they so desperately need, but it is what it is. I've heard people say, "Don't hide behind scripture." I hear ya. But let me clue you in on a little piece of truth: there is no such thing as "hiding behind scripture." It's virtually impossible. Why? Because the Word of God strips away all lies and brings darkness into light, leaving everyone naked and with no place left to hide. However, if one could hide then there is no better place in the universe or all of eternity to do it than behind Jesus Christ. End of story. 


"You are only as sick as your secrets." Thankfully, I have none left! And that's where the freedom is! This journey started two years ago, with me trying to cover up all my mistakes. I got intentional about this journey a year ago, and dealt with all those mistakes, facing them, overcoming the fear of them and using that reality as a basis to determine who I want to be and why. It's been a bittersweet year, full of joy and pain, and it's funny how I ran from this my entire life, and now I wouldn't trade it. For anything.

So… one year has passed… what now?

Now I “press on.” I keep on keeping on. I keep on fighting the good fight. I keep my recovery first to make it last. I stick to the tools and principles I fought SO hard and SO long to learn. I continue to be diligent, vigilant and consistent. I keep Christ right where He is now—ever before me, so that I’m CONSCIOUS of Him at all times. I keep loving, forgiving, admitting, owning, striving for change and betterment, giving myself a break, making progress… I never give up doing something different. I stay on and in recovery because working this program is what got me to this place, and the quickest way to relapse and slip back into the insanity is to let up for even a minute.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus…” This is what I do! “Stay calm and carry on!” I also live out loud, in HD color and digital surround sound, with gratitude, bravery, humility and awareness. 

Plato said that “we can easily forgive a child for being afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” My entire life was spent in the dark, in fear of the light, avoiding truth and denying reality, running from my past. Today, my past has no hold on me whatsoever. NONE. I am FREE, baby! And I am no longer afraid. There is no high—chemical, emotional, mental, natural, whatever—NO high that feels as good as TRUE FREEDOM does. I can’t explain it… I try, I really do! But it’s something each person MUST experience for him or herself. Good luck and Godspeed with you on that journey, friends… it’ll be the most awesome trip you ever take.

Jesus saved my soul. Recovery saved my life. Now the rest of the story is still unwritten, and completely up to me in how it unfolds… “Feel the rain on your skin/ No one else can feel it for you/ Only you can let it in/ No one else can speak the words on your lips/ Drench yourself in words unspoken/ Live your life with arms wide open/ TODAY IS/ WHERE YOUR BOOK BEGINS/ THE REST IS STILL UNWRITTEN!” And the next year, and every year after that, isn't starting over... it's building on the foundation that Christ has secured in me, and attacking life instead of letting it just happen, pressing ever onward til I become all He intended me to be. It's quite exciting, really!

So stay tuned! Y’all know me! I plan to keep it inner-estin! *wink* I trust every one of you to continue on with me, patting my back or kicking my ass, depending on what's called for. *smile* 

Now… onward… with a blank page before me, pen in my hand, ending unplanned by me but already known by Jesus! Here we go...

DAY ONE…




"You are living a brand new life that is continually learning more and more of what is right, and trying constantly to be more and more like Christ who created this new life within you." Colossians 3:10

UNWRITTEN...

2009 is almost over. This year SO did not turn out like I thought it was going to… I started the year off in a relationship with someone I thought I’d be with for a long time. It ended the next month. And I got back on the recovery path and I’ve not wavered from it since. The last ten months of my life have been the most incredible I have ever had, because I’m in a place right now that I wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. I only wish I could have reached this mindset sooner.

I used to have a speaking ministry years ago, and I loved doing it. I’m good at it, too—mostly cuz I love to talk. J (Shocking, I know) I gave my testimony numerous times to varying sizes of audiences, the biggest being about 3,000 people. Speaking didn’t scare me back then. But living sure did! I was such a sick little girl! My past and my mistakes had me in chains I’d grown so used to being bound by that I ceased to know they were there. All that resulted in me making very bad decisions, one of which effectively ended my speaking ministry. I stopped speaking all together since I no longer felt worthy of my message, and I’m big on being authentic.

That was over ten years ago. Fast forward to this past October, when I was asked to give my testimony again for the first time in over a decade. I was kinda freaked out. On top of that I was mad that I was freaked out about it, which freaked me out some more. You might say I was freaked out by how freaked out I was! And it really put me on edge since I didn’t understand WHY I was wigging over something I’d done a thousand times in the past. I mean it’s not like I have trouble talking about Christ and what He’s done for me, and I’m certainly not shy or PC. Still, I was extremely nervous about it. In fact, I came very close to wiggling out of it—so I hit my knees and began to talk to God and ask Him to lead me and to put the words HE wanted me to say in my mouth since my testimony is really HIS story anyway.

A lot happened during that time and I’ll blog that at a later date. Suffice it to say, God was faithful as always, and it ended up going better than I had even dreamed it might. One thing He showed me during that time was that I was wigging because my testimony had no ending—I’m still going through the recovery process; it’s not over yet! In the past, my story had a beginning, a middle and an end. It was complete. But this story that I’m living in now is still being played out… I know the ending is that God and I end up together for eternity—a real happy ending, as all good love stories should have. But how I get there and all that happens along the way is still a plot up for grabs, and I’m the writer-in-charge… how it’s written is really all up to me. I’ve decided that while I’m holding the pen and doing the writing, God is the Editor-in-Chief and it’ll be more like dictation than creative writing.

If my life were a book, it would be in two parts. Part 1, my past, was a compilation of all the bad stuff that I survived, and then later on all the convictions, lessons, words and concepts I’d gleaned from my heroes of the faith. In other words—that story is part of me, but it’s not about me. I was a splintered person; I hadn’t yet allowed God to write His words on my heart so that they were my words. And that is the whole point of us being here… to worship Christ, love Him and proclaim Him in our own unique and individual ways, for Christ to tell HIS story through us, making it a truly individual tale every time.

Part 1 of my life’s book was more a collection of short stories, written by others, all of which played a role in shaping who I was. I let others put words in my mouth; I was constantly trying to please everyone and ultimately never pleasing anyone, especially myself. Instead of doing the dirty work and forming my own opinions and convictions, I parroted others and tried to tell myself it was all mine. No one can live your life but YOU; it's not enough to trust in what you glean from others. You must learn to trust YOURSELF, to know your OWN mind, which is impossible to do without Christ. Essentially the Part 1 of my story wasn't really mine. I was mimicking, but not really living. There was some good stuff in Part 1 but needed to find a thread I could weave throughout it all and turn it into a story that was all my own.

Part 2, though, my good friends, is a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. I've been in Part 2 for ten months now and so far, so good! My relationship with Christ, my recovery work and the love and support of exceptionally good friends has formed the basis of what's turning out to be one helluva sequel! I'm free of the past and those chains... Yeah. That's right. I said FREE, y'all! FREEEEEEE! 2009 has been an epic year for me! It's been tough at times, painful and a LOT scary, but I've hung in there and I'm SO glad I did! God has connected the dots and brought it all together in a miraculous fashion to this place that I’m in right now. God has given me a story that is special, separate, unique and whole. Now it’s time to continue writing.

I was scared at first of the concept of my life being a book with past pages filled with all the things that were horrible about me, along with a sequel filled with a bunch of blank pages yet to be written on and that I was responsible for putting a story to. Today that concept THRILLS me, because my life can be whatever I make of it… Sure, I’m gonna screw up and get it wrong some. But just think of all the awesome things that I can fill those blank pages with, things that MATTER.

I'm entitling Part 1 of my life story "JEN: The Ashes." It's a tragic and sad story of the old Jen, a rough draft of a life without Christ and worthy only for the cutting room floor. That tale was full of pain and misery and sin—but thankfully, sin wasn’t the end of the story...

Part 2 is called "JEN: The Beauty." Because God has indeed made beauty out of piles of ashes as big as mountains; He's redeeming all the time wasted and lost, restoring relationships and healing me day by day. THIS story, the NEW JEN, is an amazing one! A REAL story full of life and hope and endless possibilities, starting with how Christ took that old, worthless life, cleaned it up, edited it, added some pictures and organization, brought in some new writers and re-energized the plot—turning it into something beautiful and inspiring and ALIVE—because it’s still being written, each day, moment by moment. So stay tuned! ;D

And of course I have the perfect song for this, just in case this book is ever made into a movie! (What's an Oscar-worthy story without an equally awesome soundtrack, right?) The story's theme is “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. LOVE THIS SONG. Below I’ve posted the video and the lyrics… listen to the song, really HEAR the words, and take them to heart. Whatever is going on in your life—however you may be struggling, whatever trials and tribulations and pain or confusion you may be going through—it doesn’t have to be any way that you don’t want it to be! It all comes down to how you think; if you need to change how you think, DO IT. You are only gonna get out of this life what you put into it, SO LIVE IT. Assess what’s happened up to now, give it to Christ and then LET IT GO and move on!

What has occurred in your life up until this very moment, right NOW as you sit here and read my words, doesn’t have to be the end or the sum total of it all. Don't be afraid—take heart, have courage and be EXCITED that how it ends is really up to YOU. "TODAY is where YOUR book begins, the rest is still unwritten." So take up that pen like a sword and live out the words that God gives you! And let it truly be YOUR story. Never let anyone else decide your life for you. Only YOU can live it... it should be a story co-authored by you and the Lord.

May God bless and keep you as you fill in what's yet to be written.

Unwritten
By Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten
can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
the pen's in my hand
ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

I break tradition
sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
yeah yeah
We've been conditioned
to not make mistakes
but I can't live that way
oh oh

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins--

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins--

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...
The rest is still unwritten...
The rest is still unwritten...

Addiction: A Visual

This video is from Season 5 So You Think You Can Dance. Here, Kayla and Kupono dance a Mia Michaels routine about addiction... it is SO powerful... and they are dancing to a song called Gravity by Sara Bareilles. Anyone who struggles with any kind of addiction can watch this and know 'zactly what's up. I haven't been able to watch this once without being deeply moved, and I'm really grateful to Mia for taking on this material, and to Sara for such a powerful song... for it can apply to ANY addiction.




Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love
and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
And all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
And all over me.

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down.

You're onto me
You're onto me
And all over...