Trust

I had a letter from a friend who reads these blogs, and she's really been through the ringer lately. She was hopelessly into the wrong guy, trusted the wrong people, made some bad choices and despite some of the really good things in her life, like her child, she is really struggling because she, like so many of us, wants in her heart of hearts to get it right, to have friends she can count on and to be loved by one person that she can love back and not be hurt again. And she asked me... how do you do it, Jen? How did you get to where you are and how are you able to say the things you do and mean them? How do you get to a place where YOU are in control of your life and are able to trust again?

I'm answering her in this blog post because a) she's not the only one who's asked me that and b) because my answer to her is the same thing I tell everyone and thought it would be beneficial to put my response here, where hopefully and prayerfully it might help others I know who struggle with the same thing.

First of all, I know ALL about addiction to men, and "love," and all the stuff that comes with it. I have spent the majority of my life seeking the same thing that all women, and all people for that matter, really want: to be loved unconditionally and faithfully with one person that you can love back and grow old with, share things with and be happy with. It's not easy. But it's also not as hard as we make it... I can't possibly purport to have the answer to that question, but I can share what I've learned and how I got to the place that I'm in now.

In a nutshell, I have a 100% failure rate with relationships. They have ALL ended. Most of them badly. Until the last one I was in, I was always able to blame it on drama and the craziness that all my "love" seemed to entail. But the last relationship I was in didn't have all that; there was no drama or insanity. In fact, it was bliss until one day it just wasn't. And when it ended, I was devastated... but I had come far enough to realize that it was the right thing so I didn't fight it. It was a defining moment for me because I chose right then to handle it differently than I'd ever handled anything before. But that's a different story... The reason I bring it up now is because after the last breakup I experienced, because that relationship wasn't like the others (at least on the surface) and it still ended, I had to take a long look in the mirror. I couldn't blame it on all the things I had in the past. Ergo, there had to be something about it that was similar to all the ones in the past. And the obvious answer was ME... I was the common denominator. Which forced me to consider that perhaps I'd been going about everything the wrong way; that perhaps I needed to re-evaluate who I was instead of assuming that the guy was just like every other douche and look at my part in it all.

And that was the beginning, really, of the metamorphosis I've gone through this year. Real change begins and end with your perceptions. It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that I had some wrong perceptions of what love and relationships were supposed to be about. And since I'd done it MY way for so long (which clearly hadn't worked out so well!) I figured it was about that time to look at doing it GOD'S way for a change... that if I could take just a fraction of the effort and time and energy I'd wasted chasing all the wrong things and wrong people and put it toward my relationship with God and work on myself, I might possibly have a shot at getting it right for once. When I prayed about it, God said to me, "Jen, I AM THE MAN you are looking for." So I picked up my recovery journey where I'd left off the previous year and started doing just that: pursuing CHRIST. I asked Him to show me clearly where I'd been wrong and to transform me by renewing my mind; to give me HIS mindset on myself, on love and relationships and everything else. Turns out that was probably the wisest choice I've ever made.

But it required TRUST, and quite frankly I've sucked at trust for so long that I figured I was utterly incapable of it. I'd been hurt and worked over by just about everyone I'd ever cared about, and believe me, I've more than returned the favor. But the Lord asked me to consider that it was my faith in PEOPLE, not in Him, that had caused me so much pain and grief... and He was right. I'd made idolatry a terrible habit... I'd start off ok, going to God and trying to discern His will, and many times had gotten it right. But whenever a man came along that told me what I wanted to hear and made me feel a certain way, I'd drop the Lord like a hot potato and put everything into whatever dude was the flavor of the moment. Totally not THEIR fault; that was MY choice. Now, let me say that I didn't deserve to be treated the way I had been, and taking responsibility for my role in it all certainly doesn't let any of them off the hook for douchebag behavior. Having said that, more times than not, I was in situations and in relationships (including some friendships, not just romantic relationships) that I either shouldn't have been in or not as deeply involved as I was, so in a way I was putting myself in harm's way. I'm not responsible for other people's choices, and any wrongdoing on someone else's part is still theirs to own, but had I walked when I knew I should have or even put up the proper boundaries that I should have, then the chances of some of the most painful and traumatic events that caused me SO much pain and grief NOT occurring are in the 90th percentile, because I wouldn't have been there.

In other words, I am the architect of my own misery. Because 9 times out of 10, I was somewhere I shouldn't have been with people I shouldn't have been with doing things I shouldn't have been doing. And whose fault was THAT? Answer: it was mine.

It was put to me that the definition of an addict is someone who continues in sinful, wrong and destructive behaviors despite adverse consequences. By that definition, I'm the Kobe Bryant of addicts. I wanted what I wanted, even when I knew it was wrong or not good for me. It didn't matter what it cost me or who I hurt as long as I got what I wanted. With the love and direction of God and a LOT of hard work on my part, this is no longer true of me. Because somewhere along the path I've been walking this year, I changed my mind. It is no longer worth it to me to deny reality and behave or think the way I used to. You might say it got old. Sad that it took almost 40 years for me to get it; I'm just glad I finally DID get it.

You might wonder what all this has to do with trust... well, it's like this: if real change begins and ends with one's perceptions, then it logically follows that one must change his or her mind. The Bible says to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." That is no fun, easy, painless process... it is a LOT of hard work! And it requires TRUST--in Christ. You must accept and believe that the things He asks you to face and experience are for your betterment, not to harm you. The second part of that verse is "so that you will be able to discern God's will; His good, pleasing and perfect will."

In other words, let Him show you how to think. It's crazy how He DOES transform how you think. And suddenly, one day you wake up and all the things that used to matter to you either don't or are put in their proper order... all the people you have been hurt by you are able to forgive and let go of the pain... I could go on and on... but the point I'm making is that I do not believe trust is possible without God. It begins and ends with Christ.

Trusting also begins with taking personal responsibility for your actions. If you want to be able to trust, you must first become trustworthy. For me, the ugly truth is that I wasn't trustworthy. I wasn't intentionally trying to be a deceitful or dishonest person. But when you wake up every day and start lying when you look in the mirror, it's impossible to be honest with anyone else. The biggest lies we hear are the ones we tell ourselves... and I'd become an expert at deceiving myself. So even though I was loyal and would fight tooth and nail for people I cared about, I didn't know my own mind. I was sick and didn't know it and because of it, despite what were often really good intentions, I still screwed up or hurt people I really cared about. I lied to myself every day and had become so good at it that I was no longer capable of seeing truth anymore or was even aware that I was conning myself. Because I'd relied on my own strength and ability for so long, I ceased to see how small a part God played in my decisions or in my thinking. And I paid the price for it. So did others.

I don't believe you can truly know yourself until you know God, because HE created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. The Bible says that "the heart is deceitful above all things." Yet my heart is what I'd been following for longer than I can remember. I did whatever "felt right" to me for a long time. Well, if my heart is deceitful, how can I trust it? And with my mind being as sick as it was, how could I trust my logic, either? The result of this is that I spent quite a few months really freaked out. Until I stopped resisting Christ and just started obeying Him and walking out His truth whether I felt it in the moment or not. I believed in God, and I tried every other way I knew to try except His, so really, what did I have to lose? If I was wrong; fine. It wouldn't be the first time.

But what if I was right, and I really could trust God? Might I perhaps actually change, make a better life for myself, and find peace?

Thank goodness I screwed up so bad that I had nowhere else to go. And turns out I was right. Today I can't even begin to describe how HAPPY I am that I finally listened. I'm not really doing anything different from all that wonderful advice I was so quick to hand out in the past... except that now I'm actually walking the talk. That's really the key; it's not enough to KNOW why. You gotta LIVE why.

I guess in a nutshell you could say that I learned to trust when I stopped trusting others or myself and started trusting Christ. He never lets me down. And He has taught me a LOT about trust. It begins and ends with Him.

Today I am truly changed. I still have lots and lots of stuff to work on. But I'm SO MUCH BETTER than I used to be... even the mistakes that I make are new ones, not the same old crap that I used to do. But I have to be really diligent in guarding my mind and my spirit, lest I slip back slowly into the life I knew before, which to me would be the worst hell I could imagine.