Reality bites... or does it?

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

We’ve all heard this quoted many times. Only we don’t live by it. For me, I lived my entire life based on the scenarios and alternate realities I created in my head. We’ve ALL done it—tried to create the reality we wanted instead of accepting things as they are—usually because the reality of a situation was too much to bear. It’s why addicts become addicts in the first place. Because, when faced with a truth we don’t want to accept, we excuse, justify, ignore, deny or attempt to escape that which seems to painful to own. Granted one doesn’t have to be a full-blown addict to deny reality. But it’s for certain a sure-fire way to get to addiction and in a real big hurry, too.

Making it up as I went along is the biggest reason I ended up in recovery—because I was in such denial about the reality of my life that I mistakenly thought I could create another in my head and live there. From the tender age as a child when I could first reason at all, my reality was so ugly, so horrific, so painful, that I did what many of us do and tried to escape to places in my head, or in patterns of behavior that helped me survive the moment but turned much later into the destructive patterns that almost destroyed my life. I chose unconsciously at first and then at some point on a conscious level, to base my decisions on what I wanted things to be or hoped they could be rather than on what they actually were. I did it in all my relationships and in any situation that didn’t fit my sick world view. I lied to myself every day when I looked in the mirror. And I got SO good at it that I totally lost who I was, and began believing the fiction that was going on in my head. Living that way for a long time, I denied the truth every day, and after a while I couldn’t recognize the truth anymore.

After all, the biggest lies we ever hear are the ones we tell ourselves.

Yet I didn’t see it; the people in my life who KNOW ME and love me and wanted me to be okay tried to tell me for the longest time that I’d lost my mind, that they didn’t know who I was anymore. Which, of course, made me very angry and I fought them tooth and nail because I’m stubborn and rebellious and hard-headed. I got SO MAD! Because I’d talked myself into believing that I was just fine, thank you very much. Sincerely and wholeheartedly did I believe that I was totally healthy.

Fast forward 20 years. Things go from bad to worse, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse—well it could and it DID. And I was shocked every time. I didn’t get it! NOTHING ever seemed to turn out right, especially in my “love life.” And still, I was just fine, thank you very much.

Seared into my brain is the moment, as a full-grown adult, that the total, undeniable, tragic realization overtook me that I was NOT fine, thank you very much… that I was one sick puppy. That all this freedom I thought I had wasn’t real—that I was in fact an utter slave to things I hadn’t even REMEMBERED happened to me. Can you possibly picture what that felt like? To realize that things I didn’t even remember and some that I did had been controlling me for so long that everything I thought I’d attained and accomplished was all a lie??? My life had blown up in my face… I’d hurt every single person I’d ever claimed to love or give a crap about. In other words… I’ll never forget the moment that reality—not MY reality, but THE reality—came crashing down on my head. I was sick and I needed help. First reaction was to do what I’d always done—hide, play the ostrich, make excuses… but I couldn’t. Finally, I’d hit the proverbial rock bottom. And let me tell ya, it SUCKED.

But in that moment, I knew the truth… and while it HURT and it SUCKED and it said NOTHING good about me at all… set me free is exactly what it did. In that moment, I was able to drop the chains that had bound me for so long and let go of all the weight of trying to mask it hide it deny it escape it medicate it etc. I’d been a Christian for almost 15 years… and I’d made HORRIBLE decisions, going further as a believer over lines I wouldn’t have dreamed of crossing before I knew who God was. I loved the Lord, knew I was going to Heaven, yet I was faced with the full reality of what happens when you try to create your own truth instead of living by The Truth. Because The Truth is absolute; it’s not relative, situational or subjective. It’s a firm, set line, and you are either on the right side of it or you’re not. There is a fence, a boundary, in this life, whether we want to accept it or not. And that in and of itself was my whole problem; I refused to accept The Truth.

But the gospel is the GOOD news, not the bad news! Unfortunately, the things that cause us the most grief, the most pain, the most insanity, in life are NOT the things we don’t know about—it’s the things we excuse, justify, ignore or deny. True victims are very rare; most of the time (and for me it’s at least 9 times out of 10) the things that hurt me the most were NOT because I didn’t know the right thing to do. It was because, when faced with a reality, it was too hard, not what I wanted, not “my fault,” or not fair—something I didn’t want to face.

The good news is that even if you are on the wrong side of The Truth, once you know it and FACE IT, you finally know where you are. And knowing where you are and keeping that in plain sight will help you get to where you want to be. Because denying reality, especially if you do it as long as I did, never works—even if it gets you what you THINK you want for the moment, it never lasts and always blows up in your face. Living in alternate realities means you totally lose yourself, lost in lies and never really knowing where you are… you slip into insanity because you can no longer trust your own mind, which means you can’t trust anyone else either… making up “reality” as you go along means there are no boundaries, no way to know what’s real and what isn’t.

It’s a sick, sad, effed ALL the way up way to live! By denying reality, over and over and over again, you are inviting and even facilitating the long slow road to insanity. There’s nothing healthy about it.

Recently, I looked up this verse and I read the context of it. It’s from the gospel of John. Jesus is speaking to the Jews. I put it here for you now; possibly you will see right off the bat what I failed to see for so, so long.

(From John 8, NIV translation)

(31) To the Jews who had believed Him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. (32)Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

(33) They answered Him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”

(34) Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. (35) Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. (36) So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Jesus was talking to people who knew better than anyone the prophecies about Him. They were God’s chosen people. So when the Messiah showed up on the scene they should have been the first to know that God was on hand to fulfill His promises to them. And what did they do? They were the FIRST to deny Him! Many to this day STILL deny Him. And that is their prerogative. But notice what He says, to the Jews who believed Him: “If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples… THEN you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Did you notice the word THEN? How often have we all heard that verse quoted? And almost every time, the THEN is left out. And leaving that one word out is a perfect example of what I'm talking about, a denial of reality. Because THEN is a cause/effect term. It means there is something that comes before the rest of the statement. THEN means there are terms to be met before we can understand the rest of what’s being said. In this context, it means the only way to know truth and to subsequently be set free is to hold to what The Truth teaches and be disciples of it. Then, and ONLY then, will we really know the truth and be set free by it. When we don’t, we THINK we are free—we think that not being accountable, not having to answer to anyone, doing whatever we want, is freedom. That is simply not true. We are NOT free. We are, by the very nature of disobedience and denial, slaves to the very things we want SO BADLY to escape from! But so many of us want freedom yet are totally unwilling to do the work and make the sacrifices that REAL freedom requires.

REAL freedom comes from knowing that ultimately, we ARE accountable, we DO have to answer for everything. ALL of it. TRUE freedom is making wise choices within the boundaries set forth by a God who is a God of absolute truth and reality. To live otherwise is to live a life of emptiness, unmet expectations, unfulfilled dreams and ultimately, insanity. This is why knowing the TRUTH sets you free! Because even if you are guilty when you come face to face with The Truth, at least you are of a sound mind and you can DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. If there are absolutes, it may feel constricting at first, but once you get used to it and begin making your decisions based on them, there is REAL FREEDOM in it—a freedom you will NEVER find by denying reality.

M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, also wrote a book called, The People of the Lie. And in that book he gives a definition of mental health that I love and that has served me well down this new road I’m traveling. He defines mental health as the ongoing process to dedication to reality at all costs. Meaning, in every given moment in any given situation, TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH, no matter what it costs you in terms of pain, pride or loss. If you do that, and you KEEP doing that, then no matter what may befall you (because life can be very hard, we must all admit) you can never be overtaken by lies. And while there may be pain and suffering and trials and tribulations that must be endured, you will get through it quicker and faster if you base your life on absolute truth.

We deny reality and make up our own truths because we want to avoid going through something—pain, the end of something, facing ourselves, whatever. But the only way OUT of anything is to go THROUGH it. So why not get through something painful much quicker and have that healing LAST by just dealing with it? Embrace the truth. Face it head on. OWN it, deal with it, ACCEPT it and take your lumps like a good soldier. Then you can truly move on. Otherwise, not only will the REAL reality eventually overtake you, but you’ll have much more baggage to wade through before you get to the ending you want.

“Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”

Go forth, my friends, and live life in reality. Do yourself a favor and tell yourself the truth, at all times. Trust me, life is MUCH EASIER this way. Reality may bite; in my experience, it always does. But lies, denial, deception… the bite from these is MUCH worse. I’ll take truth any day over alternate reality, because TRUTH is something I can live by and it never changes. It helps me, it doesn’t harm me, it keeps me sane and it NEVER bites as bad as the consequences from denying it do. Looking at it that way, reality bites but at least it heals. That’s a bite I can live with.