Brokenness

Life is a series of lessons... some learned easy, some learned hard. But you don't get to be my age without having some stories to tell. Let's face it: I'm in recovery because I am broken.

When I say broken, I DO mean broken. As in, shattered, splintered, effed all the way up. When I first started recovery, I was an utter mess. I had good reason to be, too. I've been through a LOT of crap. And I have spent the majority of my life using that crap as a crutch to do a lot of stupid, selfish sh&%. And boo hoo, right? Cuz we ALL have crap to overcome.

I posted a blog yesterday entitled, "Why Guys Dump Girls They're Into." It's basically a reposting of my friend's written responses to an article someone sent him. Go back and read it if you haven't... he's awesome. Anyway, something he said in one of his responses really made me stop and think:

I was briefly married during the worst four years of my life. I tried to help three different people that couldn’t even help themselves. So I responded by spending a few years being incredibly selfish. The most selfish I have been in my entire life. I dated many women and it always ended when they wanted more. I justified my rude and inappropriate behavior by stating up front to each of them where I was and what I could offer and nothing more. After coming to my senses and taking a self-implemented sabbatical from dating, I went back and apologized to most of them. I am friends with most of my ex-girlfriends and many of my flings. I genuinely liked them and I still do. I truly believe we all deserve to be treated with respect.

This response and in particular, the highlighted lines, REALLY made me think. Because I have soooooo done that. And I've had it done to me more times than I can count...

I'm changing that about myself. It makes me sick. It's not that I didn't care about others in any given situation; it's that I was so narcissistic I couldn't see past the nose on my face. I cared about me more. I led people on and let them think what they wanted... Instead of dealing with my stuff, I grabbed for what I could and drug others along for the ride with me. And I justified it all by being "honest" and openly admitting my brokenness up front, like a disclaimer: play at your own risk.

Well guess what? BROKENNESS IS NOT A GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARD. IT MATTERS how you treat people. I can SAY all day long that I don't want a commitment, I don't want to be tied down, I'm not ready for anything heavy... blah blah blah whatever the phraseology is. But if I am spending time with someone, saying sweet nothings, sleeping with them, etc. etc., then it doesn't matter what I SAY. Because my ACTIONS say different. And it is NOT OKAY to play with people like that.

EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect. And if I'm not in a place where I can make the promises that come UNSPOKEN BUT BY DEFAULT when I spend time with someone, say sweet nothings, sleep with them, etc. etc., then I should keep my happy ass to myself. In other words, if I'm playing like I am committed but can't back it up with the real thing, I have no business being there. And NEWS FLASH: sleeping with someone is a commitment, or it should be. I feel very sorry for you if it isn't.

The interactions and relationships between people are real because feelings get involved. People's hearts and minds and dreams get involved. If you have kids, they get involved whether you like it or not because YOU are involved, and they are affected by any and everything that affects YOU.

So me making clear to someone up front that I am "broken" and "not available for commitment" doesn't justify all the pain I cause them by getting all the fringe benefits of a commitment without accepting the responsibility of it. And to act otherwise is not only immature and irresponsible, it's utterly pathetic.

And now that I'm on this side of the fence, having been both the perpetrator and the victim of such erroneous thinking, I get REALLY PISSED when I see this happening or someone is trying to pull this b.s. on me. Listen up folks: brokenness is NOT an excuse for selfish, shady, deplorable, stupid behavior. And that "honesty" on the front end about being broken does NOT absolve you of guilt. And if you act like it does, boy... are you in for a RUDE awakening. Because God just will not be mocked, period. And you will get everything back that you put into this life. If you believe nothing else I say, you can count on that.

If you are using your brokenness as an excuse to treat people badly, that kind of thinking may help you sleep at night for now... but watch out, cuz you can only get away with that for so long... and when your deeds finally find you out and your past catches up to you, it will ROYALLY SUCK.

It's just not as hard as I used to think it was to show basic respect to people. And I'm finding it's a little easier to trust than it used to be because I HAVE BECOME TRUSTWORTHY. I don't use, lie to, manipulate, take advantage of or screw over people I'm supposed to care about or be friends with. It's done wonders for improving my quality of life.

I know MANY people who should try it.

All in all, if you are broken, like me, there is good news: YOU CAN BE FIXED. All it takes is a little determination, a little bit of faith and some elbow grease. If you don't like who you are, CHANGE IT. Turn it over to the Lord and DO THE WORK. It's most definitely worth it! Because God's specialty is using broken people!

In the meantime, I know lots of folks will probably read this and immediately think I'm talking about them specifically because, LOL, I've been given this excuse several times by several different people. Well guess what? I AM talking about you. Because it's true of ALL OF US, or has been. Don't be chicken! OWN IT!