Reality bites... or does it?

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

We’ve all heard this quoted many times. Only we don’t live by it. For me, I lived my entire life based on the scenarios and alternate realities I created in my head. We’ve ALL done it—tried to create the reality we wanted instead of accepting things as they are—usually because the reality of a situation was too much to bear. It’s why addicts become addicts in the first place. Because, when faced with a truth we don’t want to accept, we excuse, justify, ignore, deny or attempt to escape that which seems to painful to own. Granted one doesn’t have to be a full-blown addict to deny reality. But it’s for certain a sure-fire way to get to addiction and in a real big hurry, too.

Making it up as I went along is the biggest reason I ended up in recovery—because I was in such denial about the reality of my life that I mistakenly thought I could create another in my head and live there. From the tender age as a child when I could first reason at all, my reality was so ugly, so horrific, so painful, that I did what many of us do and tried to escape to places in my head, or in patterns of behavior that helped me survive the moment but turned much later into the destructive patterns that almost destroyed my life. I chose unconsciously at first and then at some point on a conscious level, to base my decisions on what I wanted things to be or hoped they could be rather than on what they actually were. I did it in all my relationships and in any situation that didn’t fit my sick world view. I lied to myself every day when I looked in the mirror. And I got SO good at it that I totally lost who I was, and began believing the fiction that was going on in my head. Living that way for a long time, I denied the truth every day, and after a while I couldn’t recognize the truth anymore.

After all, the biggest lies we ever hear are the ones we tell ourselves.

Yet I didn’t see it; the people in my life who KNOW ME and love me and wanted me to be okay tried to tell me for the longest time that I’d lost my mind, that they didn’t know who I was anymore. Which, of course, made me very angry and I fought them tooth and nail because I’m stubborn and rebellious and hard-headed. I got SO MAD! Because I’d talked myself into believing that I was just fine, thank you very much. Sincerely and wholeheartedly did I believe that I was totally healthy.

Fast forward 20 years. Things go from bad to worse, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse—well it could and it DID. And I was shocked every time. I didn’t get it! NOTHING ever seemed to turn out right, especially in my “love life.” And still, I was just fine, thank you very much.

Seared into my brain is the moment, as a full-grown adult, that the total, undeniable, tragic realization overtook me that I was NOT fine, thank you very much… that I was one sick puppy. That all this freedom I thought I had wasn’t real—that I was in fact an utter slave to things I hadn’t even REMEMBERED happened to me. Can you possibly picture what that felt like? To realize that things I didn’t even remember and some that I did had been controlling me for so long that everything I thought I’d attained and accomplished was all a lie??? My life had blown up in my face… I’d hurt every single person I’d ever claimed to love or give a crap about. In other words… I’ll never forget the moment that reality—not MY reality, but THE reality—came crashing down on my head. I was sick and I needed help. First reaction was to do what I’d always done—hide, play the ostrich, make excuses… but I couldn’t. Finally, I’d hit the proverbial rock bottom. And let me tell ya, it SUCKED.

But in that moment, I knew the truth… and while it HURT and it SUCKED and it said NOTHING good about me at all… set me free is exactly what it did. In that moment, I was able to drop the chains that had bound me for so long and let go of all the weight of trying to mask it hide it deny it escape it medicate it etc. I’d been a Christian for almost 15 years… and I’d made HORRIBLE decisions, going further as a believer over lines I wouldn’t have dreamed of crossing before I knew who God was. I loved the Lord, knew I was going to Heaven, yet I was faced with the full reality of what happens when you try to create your own truth instead of living by The Truth. Because The Truth is absolute; it’s not relative, situational or subjective. It’s a firm, set line, and you are either on the right side of it or you’re not. There is a fence, a boundary, in this life, whether we want to accept it or not. And that in and of itself was my whole problem; I refused to accept The Truth.

But the gospel is the GOOD news, not the bad news! Unfortunately, the things that cause us the most grief, the most pain, the most insanity, in life are NOT the things we don’t know about—it’s the things we excuse, justify, ignore or deny. True victims are very rare; most of the time (and for me it’s at least 9 times out of 10) the things that hurt me the most were NOT because I didn’t know the right thing to do. It was because, when faced with a reality, it was too hard, not what I wanted, not “my fault,” or not fair—something I didn’t want to face.

The good news is that even if you are on the wrong side of The Truth, once you know it and FACE IT, you finally know where you are. And knowing where you are and keeping that in plain sight will help you get to where you want to be. Because denying reality, especially if you do it as long as I did, never works—even if it gets you what you THINK you want for the moment, it never lasts and always blows up in your face. Living in alternate realities means you totally lose yourself, lost in lies and never really knowing where you are… you slip into insanity because you can no longer trust your own mind, which means you can’t trust anyone else either… making up “reality” as you go along means there are no boundaries, no way to know what’s real and what isn’t.

It’s a sick, sad, effed ALL the way up way to live! By denying reality, over and over and over again, you are inviting and even facilitating the long slow road to insanity. There’s nothing healthy about it.

Recently, I looked up this verse and I read the context of it. It’s from the gospel of John. Jesus is speaking to the Jews. I put it here for you now; possibly you will see right off the bat what I failed to see for so, so long.

(From John 8, NIV translation)

(31) To the Jews who had believed Him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. (32)Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

(33) They answered Him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”

(34) Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. (35) Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. (36) So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Jesus was talking to people who knew better than anyone the prophecies about Him. They were God’s chosen people. So when the Messiah showed up on the scene they should have been the first to know that God was on hand to fulfill His promises to them. And what did they do? They were the FIRST to deny Him! Many to this day STILL deny Him. And that is their prerogative. But notice what He says, to the Jews who believed Him: “If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples… THEN you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Did you notice the word THEN? How often have we all heard that verse quoted? And almost every time, the THEN is left out. And leaving that one word out is a perfect example of what I'm talking about, a denial of reality. Because THEN is a cause/effect term. It means there is something that comes before the rest of the statement. THEN means there are terms to be met before we can understand the rest of what’s being said. In this context, it means the only way to know truth and to subsequently be set free is to hold to what The Truth teaches and be disciples of it. Then, and ONLY then, will we really know the truth and be set free by it. When we don’t, we THINK we are free—we think that not being accountable, not having to answer to anyone, doing whatever we want, is freedom. That is simply not true. We are NOT free. We are, by the very nature of disobedience and denial, slaves to the very things we want SO BADLY to escape from! But so many of us want freedom yet are totally unwilling to do the work and make the sacrifices that REAL freedom requires.

REAL freedom comes from knowing that ultimately, we ARE accountable, we DO have to answer for everything. ALL of it. TRUE freedom is making wise choices within the boundaries set forth by a God who is a God of absolute truth and reality. To live otherwise is to live a life of emptiness, unmet expectations, unfulfilled dreams and ultimately, insanity. This is why knowing the TRUTH sets you free! Because even if you are guilty when you come face to face with The Truth, at least you are of a sound mind and you can DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. If there are absolutes, it may feel constricting at first, but once you get used to it and begin making your decisions based on them, there is REAL FREEDOM in it—a freedom you will NEVER find by denying reality.

M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, also wrote a book called, The People of the Lie. And in that book he gives a definition of mental health that I love and that has served me well down this new road I’m traveling. He defines mental health as the ongoing process to dedication to reality at all costs. Meaning, in every given moment in any given situation, TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH, no matter what it costs you in terms of pain, pride or loss. If you do that, and you KEEP doing that, then no matter what may befall you (because life can be very hard, we must all admit) you can never be overtaken by lies. And while there may be pain and suffering and trials and tribulations that must be endured, you will get through it quicker and faster if you base your life on absolute truth.

We deny reality and make up our own truths because we want to avoid going through something—pain, the end of something, facing ourselves, whatever. But the only way OUT of anything is to go THROUGH it. So why not get through something painful much quicker and have that healing LAST by just dealing with it? Embrace the truth. Face it head on. OWN it, deal with it, ACCEPT it and take your lumps like a good soldier. Then you can truly move on. Otherwise, not only will the REAL reality eventually overtake you, but you’ll have much more baggage to wade through before you get to the ending you want.

“Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”

Go forth, my friends, and live life in reality. Do yourself a favor and tell yourself the truth, at all times. Trust me, life is MUCH EASIER this way. Reality may bite; in my experience, it always does. But lies, denial, deception… the bite from these is MUCH worse. I’ll take truth any day over alternate reality, because TRUTH is something I can live by and it never changes. It helps me, it doesn’t harm me, it keeps me sane and it NEVER bites as bad as the consequences from denying it do. Looking at it that way, reality bites but at least it heals. That’s a bite I can live with.

CHROME

Someone sent me this song today. It's perfectly written, perfectly performed and it just moves me. It's SO me. Maybe it's you, too... It's a great song about the choppy waters that love and relationships can be.

CHROME
by Matthew Ryan

It's not the things that I can't change that bother me
It's not the things that I don't know that undermine me
It's not the thing that I can't hold or the balancing wire that broke that throws me
It's not the fact that you walked out that bewilders me
It's not the sleep that I can't steal that wires me
It's not the coffee or the pills
It's not this space that I can't fill
That kills me

Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned but it's still willing to try
And shine

It's not the drunks and their devices that provoke me
It's not the politics of love and distance and all that that shit evokes in me
It's not the Sunday morning fights or this soul on ice that numbs me
It's not the passing of another Indian summer that saddens me
It's not the shutter in the undertow that bears down on me
It's not everything ending as it begins
Or the loneliness that grins
That destroys me

Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned but it's still willing to try
And shine

Brokenness

Life is a series of lessons... some learned easy, some learned hard. But you don't get to be my age without having some stories to tell. Let's face it: I'm in recovery because I am broken.

When I say broken, I DO mean broken. As in, shattered, splintered, effed all the way up. When I first started recovery, I was an utter mess. I had good reason to be, too. I've been through a LOT of crap. And I have spent the majority of my life using that crap as a crutch to do a lot of stupid, selfish sh&%. And boo hoo, right? Cuz we ALL have crap to overcome.

I posted a blog yesterday entitled, "Why Guys Dump Girls They're Into." It's basically a reposting of my friend's written responses to an article someone sent him. Go back and read it if you haven't... he's awesome. Anyway, something he said in one of his responses really made me stop and think:

I was briefly married during the worst four years of my life. I tried to help three different people that couldn’t even help themselves. So I responded by spending a few years being incredibly selfish. The most selfish I have been in my entire life. I dated many women and it always ended when they wanted more. I justified my rude and inappropriate behavior by stating up front to each of them where I was and what I could offer and nothing more. After coming to my senses and taking a self-implemented sabbatical from dating, I went back and apologized to most of them. I am friends with most of my ex-girlfriends and many of my flings. I genuinely liked them and I still do. I truly believe we all deserve to be treated with respect.

This response and in particular, the highlighted lines, REALLY made me think. Because I have soooooo done that. And I've had it done to me more times than I can count...

I'm changing that about myself. It makes me sick. It's not that I didn't care about others in any given situation; it's that I was so narcissistic I couldn't see past the nose on my face. I cared about me more. I led people on and let them think what they wanted... Instead of dealing with my stuff, I grabbed for what I could and drug others along for the ride with me. And I justified it all by being "honest" and openly admitting my brokenness up front, like a disclaimer: play at your own risk.

Well guess what? BROKENNESS IS NOT A GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARD. IT MATTERS how you treat people. I can SAY all day long that I don't want a commitment, I don't want to be tied down, I'm not ready for anything heavy... blah blah blah whatever the phraseology is. But if I am spending time with someone, saying sweet nothings, sleeping with them, etc. etc., then it doesn't matter what I SAY. Because my ACTIONS say different. And it is NOT OKAY to play with people like that.

EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect. And if I'm not in a place where I can make the promises that come UNSPOKEN BUT BY DEFAULT when I spend time with someone, say sweet nothings, sleep with them, etc. etc., then I should keep my happy ass to myself. In other words, if I'm playing like I am committed but can't back it up with the real thing, I have no business being there. And NEWS FLASH: sleeping with someone is a commitment, or it should be. I feel very sorry for you if it isn't.

The interactions and relationships between people are real because feelings get involved. People's hearts and minds and dreams get involved. If you have kids, they get involved whether you like it or not because YOU are involved, and they are affected by any and everything that affects YOU.

So me making clear to someone up front that I am "broken" and "not available for commitment" doesn't justify all the pain I cause them by getting all the fringe benefits of a commitment without accepting the responsibility of it. And to act otherwise is not only immature and irresponsible, it's utterly pathetic.

And now that I'm on this side of the fence, having been both the perpetrator and the victim of such erroneous thinking, I get REALLY PISSED when I see this happening or someone is trying to pull this b.s. on me. Listen up folks: brokenness is NOT an excuse for selfish, shady, deplorable, stupid behavior. And that "honesty" on the front end about being broken does NOT absolve you of guilt. And if you act like it does, boy... are you in for a RUDE awakening. Because God just will not be mocked, period. And you will get everything back that you put into this life. If you believe nothing else I say, you can count on that.

If you are using your brokenness as an excuse to treat people badly, that kind of thinking may help you sleep at night for now... but watch out, cuz you can only get away with that for so long... and when your deeds finally find you out and your past catches up to you, it will ROYALLY SUCK.

It's just not as hard as I used to think it was to show basic respect to people. And I'm finding it's a little easier to trust than it used to be because I HAVE BECOME TRUSTWORTHY. I don't use, lie to, manipulate, take advantage of or screw over people I'm supposed to care about or be friends with. It's done wonders for improving my quality of life.

I know MANY people who should try it.

All in all, if you are broken, like me, there is good news: YOU CAN BE FIXED. All it takes is a little determination, a little bit of faith and some elbow grease. If you don't like who you are, CHANGE IT. Turn it over to the Lord and DO THE WORK. It's most definitely worth it! Because God's specialty is using broken people!

In the meantime, I know lots of folks will probably read this and immediately think I'm talking about them specifically because, LOL, I've been given this excuse several times by several different people. Well guess what? I AM talking about you. Because it's true of ALL OF US, or has been. Don't be chicken! OWN IT!

Why Guys Dump Girls, by a guy

My friend, Trey, was sent an article and he responded to it and sent it to me. This guy has learned the value of basic respect for another human being and I am happy to know him. I won't spoil it by saying anything else. Read for yourself. Do, however, pay special attention to the second paragraph of his response to point #4. I even highlighted it for you!

And thank you, Trey, not only for sending this to me, but for being someone of character.

=============================

Recently a friend sent me the article below and asked my opinion. First, I will not express my opinion of the source (Cosmopolitan). Secondly, I am very curious why no credit was given to the writer. Was it really a man that penned this piece? It was obviously a man so why not take credit for informing the confused female masses!?


Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig
Nothing is more upsetting than when a guy you darn well know is into you pulls the plug.


Now that you know what we will be simmering on, below are the article and my personal experiences and opinions to supplement.

**Don’t be overwhelmed by the length of this post. I promise it is an easy and worth while read.**

My initial reaction was, ‘That kind of honesty must sting a little.” I am old enough to have completed this checklist myself. It is not a proud statement but since I started dating the combination inexperience and stubbornness has allowed me to make my fair share of mistakes.

As we get older, men either get set in our ways since we have spent most of our lives single or we have already been down that road of failed relationships and any signs of returning to that state are damn scary.


Chances are that you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the heck just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship.

So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.

1. The Timing Is Off

Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).

But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt — like Patrick,* 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."

Agreed. I have spent most of my life thinking that there is a specific order to completing the puzzle of life. Equation (in order): Career + respect + money + love = happiness. I have had little success with any of these variables and I am sure now that there is no perfect or specific formula to happiness when you seek it externally.

Anyway, it is our role as men to have a career and be able to provide the shelter financially, physically and emotionally to the women we care about. I killed a relationship by crawling into the hole of self-inadequacy. How and why would a woman stay with me when I had a low paying struggling artistic career that might not ever pay off with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Well, the answer was that I was with the wrong person. Women that truly love us understand and accept us as we are. You can spend the rest of your life attempting to mold a good man into the perfect one. If you succeed he will no longer be the man you fell in love with. Yes timing is huge but it is not everything. If you believe everything happens for a reason, in hindsight you will always be validated.

On another note but still timing related…We all know men mature later than women. I hate to remind you women but that biological clock doesn't help the timing issues. Don’t even try to deny it. You might disarm the bomb but you all harbor it from birth until your mission is fulfilled or the bomb squad dismantled the self-destruct mode. Men want children or they don’t. So we find women like-minded or date younger women that don’t yet have 'baby on the brain'. Since this is all unsettling information and you are already thinking the worst of men I will add this: younger women might be ‘hotter’ but nothing replaces experience and maturity. Men only date younger women for sex or to allow themselves to feel younger, not for their conversation skills. Sex is great but if you can't talk before or after you might as well get a hooker and pay her to leave.

2. We're Not Finished Playing the Field

Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new hot chick, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."

In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women."

Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our sexual checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.

Yes, the grass is always greener when we are looking through a fence. But at the same time when we spend our time drooling over the next pasture we allow the current one to die from neglect. You can’t expect a perfect pasture without tending to the crop.

Now, in a contradictory statement all men know that no matter how beautiful, successful, wild, sweet, funny, sexy, loyal, etc a woman is, there is always a man (or woman) that is tired of her. Statistically speaking, most relationships fail. That means, women that we could not have then, maybe we can now or next week or next month and so on. If we stay single long enough we will find the perfect women and be with many 'not so perfect' ones along the way. I know it sounds horrible.

Secondly, I am a firm believer that numbers are irrelevant and that nothing can come of divulging or even keeping a mental or physical list of sexual partners. Again, nothing good can come of this. Who you were or who you were with means nothing now. Your experiences make you who you are. The present and the future mean more than the past because you can’t change the past.

3. We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario

From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single guys are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road.

Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds, want sex only once a month and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things we're scared might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a saucy little minx, I freak out and bail."

Pick your battles. Most arguments are over miniscule things that only affect your life at that moment. We fight change more than women, especially the older we get and the longer we live our lives on our terms. So please go easy on us. Don’t tell us what to do. Request politely a few times before you get upset because we did not buy the expensive toilet paper or forgot to take out the trash. We are task oriented most of the time and sometimes our minds jump from task to task, ‘take out the trash to football to the deadline at work to the weather and back to what…what was I supposed to do?’ Remember if you can convince a man that your idea was his, he will do anything you want.

I call it the Seinfeld Syndrome. When you are looking for perfection you will never find it. Whether it is ‘Man Hands’, hairy arms, cankles, large nose, small ears, a cackle laugh, a lisp, etc…you can always talk yourself out of investing time in someone. Yes, we want to see a photo of your mother to predict your physical future. I know, ‘All men are assholes!’. Not true, we all have asshole tendencies. To be fair I think all men have the asshole gene and women have the bitch gene and at some point we all need to use them…in self preservation situations.


4. We’re in Like, Not in Love

It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.

So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."

I have a friend that always says, “It’s always worth a story.” Sure we often jump before we think. But I think we choose right away what category of women we are jumping into a situation with. We know pretty quickly if it is for fun, sex or relationship. Come on, potential is great because if you don’t use it you still have it. Most often we fall out of love instead of from like to love. So to me, potential means nothing, ‘show me the money!’ Although, I am not saying it is impossible. My mother always said a relationship is like building a house. The foundation is friendship. You can build a beautiful, enormous, elaborate home but if the foundation is bad the house caves in.

Yes, sometimes we allow the roots of a relationship even knowing in end the plant may live but the flowers will always die. I was briefly married during the worst four years of my life. I tried to help three different people that couldn’t even help themselves. So I responded by spending a few years being incredibly selfish. The most selfish I have been in my entire life. I dated many women and it always ended when they wanted more. I justified my rude and inappropriate behavior by stating up front to each of them where I was and what I could offer and nothing more. After coming to my senses and taking a self-implemented sabbatical from dating, I went back and apologized to most of them. I am friends with most of my ex-girlfriends and many of my flings. I genuinely liked them and I still do. I truly believe we all deserve to be treated with respect. [bolding mine]

5. We're Too into You

Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared spitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first.

For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

No one likes rejection. Although I have done it, I call bullshit. We need to grow up and communicate. Why waste anyone’s time? Life is short. Be open. Be honest. Dating is a process. I think we all take it too personally. The best part of dating is getting to know someone. Respect yourself and others. You get back what you put out there. It is easier to recognize problems and issues early on and tackle them or move on. The longer we invest the longer the recovery and the worse the pain. I don’t know about you but I have had enough pain and heartbreak. I am not saying pull the rip cord as soon as she sees a hole in your armor or the little man behind the curtain. However, if you never let go you will never know.

by Trey Mitchell and Unknown

Step 2

If you have ever done any remodeling in your home, you know what a project it can be. I remember when I tore down the wallpaper in the dining room (it looked like something straight out of a funeral parlor *shudder*). After I got it all down, I was tired and ready to quit! But it looked horrific, even though it was clean; I had to finish it out... I mudded it and painted it. Hung some curtains. Added back in the table and chairs. I had to finish doing the work. It wasn't enough to just take down the ugly wallpaper; I had to put something stylish and beautiful in its place.

This is true in our lives as well; it's not enough to walk away from your past. You have remove all the gunk and replace it with good and positive things. Or you will end up with twice as much work and mess as when you started.

"When the evil spirit has gone out of a man, he passes through arid places seeking rest; and finding none he says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when he comes he finds it swept and put in order. Then he goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first." (Luke 11:26)

This Bible verse tells us that it's not enough to just clear your life, your heart and your mind of old and bad things; you must replace them with good things. You have to fill up those places left empty by the cleaning or risk having it be worse than when you started. Don't know about you but that sounds like it would really SUCK to me.

This is from "Serenity," and it's really helping me today.

STEP 2
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The Step 2 phrase "came to believe" suggests a process and a progression of faith that evolves over time. A portion of A.A.'s oral tradition defines this as a three-part unfolding: First, we came, that is, we showed up and stumbled in the door. Second, we came to, that is, we sobered up, came to our senses and began to experience emotional sobriety. Third, we came to believe. We began our real recovery process and our spiritual growth. This style of spiritual growth closely parallels the strong Christian tradition that each person must come to an individual knowledge of God.

Step 2 is a logical outgrowth of Step 1 (powerlessness) because, if in Step 1, we have admitted our own powerlessness, then the next step is to seek a new source of strength or power to take charge for us and to make us sane (well and whole). For some people, spiritual conversion is dramatic as it was for the apostle Paul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9). For most, however, it is very gradual. As one grows and matures emotionally, one also grows spiritually.

Before we can welcome in a new Power to restore us to wellness, we will probably have to engage in some emotional and spiritual "housecleaning:":

• We must bring into abstinence or balance all the addictive agents through which we have sought to meet our deepest needs. Money, sex, career, chemicals, anything and everything about which we have become excessive, must be put into proper perspective--not lifted onto a pedestal to be worshiped.
  
• We must transcend the god of reason if we have been worshiping God through an exclusively intellectual approach.
  
• We must renounce the tendency to play God ourselves. We must grow beyond selfishness, narcissism and grandiosity.
• We must also renounce putting other people or human institutions in the roles of gods.

Not only must we be rid of false gods, if we are looking to the Judeo-Christian God as our Higher Power, but we may also need to overcome old sources of bitterness toward Him:

• We may have identified God with an abusive parent.
  
• We may have had negative experiences with the church (hypocrisy, bigotry, condemnation).
• We may be struggling with a sense that God has failed us--that He has allowed us to become codependent.
  
• We may be angry that God has not instantaneously healed us of our addictive illnesses.
  

As we commit ourselves to a lifetime of recovery, our starting point may be our recovery literature. And that literature makes a valuable contribution toward the opening of spiritual doors. But if we really want to fill the void, if we really want to break down the barriers hindering our progress, we need to turn to the ultimate source of God's Word and discover what the Scriptures have to tell us. By exploring the Bible, we will learn more about God, we will draw closer to Him and we will discover more about His will for us.

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For me, today, this speaks loud and clear... it reminds me that I've spent too much time lately on people and pursuits that don't ultimately draw me closer to where I want to be. I can't let up for ONE MOMENT on filling my time with things and people that matter because the very second I do, those demons, those habits, all those things that kept me from this freedom for SO LONG are just waiting to make the last state of me worse than the first.

I've come too far; I'll be damned if I let that happen! I honestly don't know how people can do this without the Lord. Recovery isn't for cowards! If it sounds like a lot of work... well, it is. But it's the most rewarding thing you can do, for yourself and those you claim to love.

Writer's block

I want to write something today. I can feel all these things pulling at my insides. But I got nothin'.

I hate writer's block. I don't know what it's like for other writers but for me, talking and writing it out is how I learn. It's how I process. I feel so much better when I get it out, even if it changes nothing. If it helps people, awesome. But I mostly do this writing for me. It's cathartic. But there is so much going on in my head and heart right now that it's too jumbled up for me to make sense of.

This is a victory in and of itself... cuz in the past, I HATED this feeling, and I did just about anything that's not good to avoid it. There are issues I am chewing on--relationships, information, decisions I need to make--and I can literally FEEL IT all swirling around in my head.

Of course, when the clarity comes, so does the pain. Which is why the words I write salve the wound. And I know there is pain coming. BIG pain.

But I won't run from it. I'll face it, process and deal, then move on. I won't let it consume, destroy or turn my brain to mush. Ever again.

So all I can say for today is, I've come that far. I'm not afraid anymore.

That's something.