Humble Pie

Humility is so widely misunderstood by most people. In a world where "eating humble pie" is viewed as a bad thing, it's no wonder. My pastor says he's only found one correct definition for it that comes close to how the Bible presents it, and that definition is "down-to-earthness."

Humility is NOT being lowly, insignificant, servile, common. It's not thinking nothing of or wanting nothing for yourself. And most of all, true humility is never humiliating.

What Jesus treasures about true humility is that all pretense about who we really are is laid aside, and we admit and accept, in Christ, our true selves. True humility is always honest and authentic, almost disarmingly so. In fact, rather than a yuck-tasting pie to be shoved down our throats, true humility is empowering! Because as we lay down our false defenses and empty excuses, it brings out the best in us. It frees us up to stop pretending to be something or someone we aren't, and allows us to really just be who we are. The difference between self-esteem and self-absorption is humility.

Yet sometimes, instead of resting and trusting in our God-given identities, we get into a frenzy of caretaking and misguided philanthropy to make ourselves feel better and to look good in front of other people. As a result, we become caught in the trap of self-centeredness, trying to make ourselves the center of someone else's universe. We tell ourselves how Godly we are, and practically break our arms patting ourselves on the back for how we do so much for so-and-so and man, they should be so grateful. Others, who see our deeds but not our hearts or motivations, most likely say, wow, isn't he or she just so great. But in truth, we are never more in desperate need of Christ than in those moments. Because we aren't being Godly, we're being selfish. You can tell the difference if you start to feel resentful toward those for whom you are "doing so much," and secretly feel you are trapped in a cycle where you give and give but never receive. 

Well it IS a trap. But it's almost always one of your own making. Getting trapped in giving your life away may have happened to you at some point in your life. You may be there right now. But STAYING there is a choice. It's something we do to ourselves. What's more, we trick ourselves into thinking we are so noble or "the bigger person" because of our actions or deeds. But it's really a supremely selfish way to live. 

It's not that it's wrong to do for others. But when we define who we are by this type of mindset and do it outside the strength and boundaries of God, it all becomes warped. Because it's coming from the wrong place. Consider these words from Jesus in Mark 8:

"He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days, rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. 

"But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. 'Get behind me, Satan!' he said. 'You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.' Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: 

"'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?'"

Points to ponder:
What negative things have you been told about yourself?
To what extent do you accept and own those things?
How do you rebel against those things?
What is it that you need from life and relationships that you aren't getting?
How is giving your life up to Jesus different from giving your life away to others?
How is being selfish different from simply being yourself?

True humility leads to a freedom and an authenticity that cannot be achieved any other way. Because it begins and ends with a total lack of any excuse, pretense or defense. 

This is something I can explain to you, but I cannot understand it for you, because it must be experienced, personally, in Christ, or no matter how hard you try, you simply won't get it. True humility is impossible without Jesus. When you can say, unapologetically and without a trace of arrogance, "This is who I am, warts and all. Jesus has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself. I still have a lot of work to do, but thankfully He isn't done with me yet," and mean it with your entire being, then you are at the start of something incredible. Magical. Wonderful. Amazing. Mysterious. And AWESOME. You are not only ready, but completely willing, to know and say, "Yep. I'm an idiot. But God loves this idiot, and He can heal me." At that point, get ready, because He will do just that. That is real freedom.

Perhaps you are resisting what I'm saying. Or you don't completely buy it. Or maybe you are just afraid of being wrong. If this is you, it's ok. Don't fret! Consider this funny little piece by Susan L. Lenzkes:

Don't look now, Lord! 
I don't want you to see me
standing here with my big foot
crammed in my mouth.

Don't worry, child!
If I didn't love you
just as much with your 
foot in your mouth,
I'd hardly ever get a chance
to love you.

Jesus said, "What can a man give in exchange for his soul?" I'll close by giving you one more point to ponder:

What are you trying to exchange your soul for today?

Dear Lord, there are not enough ways to express how many different ways I can be an idiot. I am blessed and beyond grateful that You love me anyway and that I am now, and will continue to be, a work in progress until You come for me. I love you and it is my prayer that anyone reading this will hear Your voice, feel Your love and acceptance, and either come to know You for the first time or come to know You even better than before. Amen.
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This blog was inspired by the message my pastor gave this last Sunday at church. 

Weeds.

My friend texted me the other day as she was pulling weeds in her flower beds. Apparently she'd let them grow too deep and they were difficult to get out. She said she kept laughing at herself for letting the weeds get that far gone. Hot and frustrated, she knew she had to get them out or her irises would die. (Which was completely unacceptable! We've both invested much time and effort in our yards this year!) She started to pray, asking Jesus to help her persist and get the weeds out. Each time she prayed instead of giving up, the weeds came out. Together, she and the Lord saved her irises.

Then she said, "Isn't this so symbolic of our lives?"

She is so right.

For my readers who don't garden, I can tell you that weeds are a serious pain in the butt. It's my least favorite part of gardening. You have to bend over and sit, which is painful to an old back. The dryer the ground, the harder they are to remove. Yet weeding is a process that's absolutely necessary or you are wasting your time. If you don't regularly pull the weeds from your beds, they can take over and choke the life out of the flowers. Letting that happen is so disheartening, especially if you have put a lot of work into planting, growing and nurturing those flowers.

I have heard it said that your home (inside and out) is a reflection of who you are as much as your checkbook. I've lived in my house for a long time. I let my yard go for years! Anyone who's known me for a period of time prior to recovery knows that the grass was often knee-high, the "beds" were a mud pit of weeds and dead things. (My neighbors weren't very appreciative, to say the least.)

Last year I decided it was time to have a little pride in my home. I spent quite a lot of time fixing the drainage problem, redoing the beds and regularly cutting the yard. Nothing grew, but nothing died, either! This year I got real industrious and ambitious and decided to try and turn my black thumb into as green a one as I could. The end result was awesome and I was quite proud of myself! (My neighbors are happy and have even stopped to compliment how great the yard looks!)

But we get tired, don't we? Gardening is fulfilling but it is also a LOT of work! Digging is HARD. In the spring I was all excited and started going to town outside. Then once it was "done," and my back and neck were killing me and it got really hot outside, and my allergies and sinuses were kicking, it became much harder to motivate myself to go outside and maintain my projects. In fact, this year I stayed out of the yard for about a month after spending at least two obsessing about what I was going to plant, where I was going to plant it and making my husband and sons get out there with me.

Husband came home one day recently and said, "Um, hon, are you tired of yardwork? Cuz there's lots of weeds in those beds that need to be pulled." He offered to do it, but I said I'd take care of it… Yet it was still another week before I got out there and did anything.

The Bible says not to borrow trouble, for today has enough of its own. One way to borrow trouble is to let things go while they're still small. Why do we wait until the small things become big things before we deal with them? How many times have I learned how much easier it is in the long run to deal with things immediately? I mean, I KNOW this, right? Yet for some reason, I still sometimes let fear rule. It happens to all of us. It's called DENIAL. How often do we attempt to avoid conflict because we feel overwhelmed, or we don't want to deal with things, or we are afraid of what changes dealing with reality will require of us?

Rather than weeding the beds in our lives on a regular basis, we let them grow in an unruly fashion. Which makes them all the more difficult to get out. Plus it becomes a MUCH BIGGER job! It's not enough to pull at the top of a weed. You have to get the ROOT out, or it will just grow back and multiply. That's much easier if you get it while it's still small, rather than waiting and allowing it to take root and grow.

LOL! When my friend texted me that question: "Isn't this so symbolic of our lives?" I'm like, oh yeah, it is! Then just for giggles I went outside and looked at my own beds, and the giggling stopped. I realized she was more right than I originally thought. Weeding the beds IS symbolic of our lives. And it's Recovery 101. Weeds are our addictions, hurts, habits and hang-ups. Weeds are SIN. When we have weeds in our garden, we have obstacles blocking us from Christ and from Truth.

Consider Steps 10 and 12:
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

It's easy to draw the correlation from Step 10 to the points I'm making here… Weed those beds EVERY DAY. If you see a weed, grab it at the root and yank that sucker out! Don't let even one continue to grow once you see it. Or it will choke the life out of you.

But what does Step 12 have to do with this, you ask? (Jen, are you suggesting we apply apply recovery principles and truth to our yardwork? Really?!) Yes. I am saying that, but even more I'm saying apply it everywhere, to everything. Gardening, what you eat for breakfast, what kind of toilet paper you buy... Every. Single. Thing. Notice that step says "to practice these principles in ALL our affairs." Well you can read just like I can. It says ALL. And that is just what it means.

Why? Because when you're in recovery, you are in it for life. It's just when you think you can lay off for a minute that you probably need it the most. Same thing with Truth. When you live according to Truth, you know that Truth is EVERYWHERE. If you work the program, read your Bible and obey the steps (as well as the 10 Commandments, etc.), what you begin to find is that EVERYTHING is connected. You start to notice that even seemingly innocuous, apparently unrelated things in your life that you never would have thought to correlate with recovery suddenly begin to have relevance and spiritual significance—even pulling weeds in your garden! God uses whatever and whomever to open your eyes to His Truth. To make you more aware of Him.

And if you pay attention, you will find that it's not what you LOOK at, but what you actually SEE that counts. God is always trying to show us and tell us things. We merely need to keep things simple, stay in tune with Him. And then we'll find that there is nowhere we go and nothing we do where He isn't right there with us.

God will use anything and anyone to teach you, to draw you closer to Him, to help you know and love and desire Him more. It's pretty cool, actually. Most of my life, I felt aimless, like a leaf in a whirlwind with no solid place to land. That is a really scary way to live! As I continue to move through recovery and work on my relationship with Christ, I begin to be more and more conscious of Him. I see Him everywhere, in everything, and instead of freaking me out, I'm soothed. It makes me feel grounded. Solid. Settled. Peaceful… All things you cannot truly have outside a real and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

In addition, walking closely and personally with Christ will help you sort out what's really true and what isn't. I am not ashamed to admit that when it comes to gardening, I'm more John Deere than Martha Stewart, aight? When I first got out in the yard, thinking I was doing so great, my mother begged me to stop! I'm like, what?!?!? (Apparently I couldn't tell the difference between a weed and a flower and had totally messed up the yard by cutting down and digging up all the stuff I was supposed to keep, and watering and planting all the stuff that was supposed to go. Go figure.)

So I was determined to do better. And these last two years, I have! I don't know that I'll ever really have a GREEN thumb. But it's no longer BLACK, either! Before I imagine plants literally trembled when I walked outside with my hair in a bun and yard tools in my hands because I was like the Grim Reaper and they knew they were gonna die. Last year, nothing grew but it didn't die. This year I am GROWING things! It is VERY exciting!

However, I still loathe weeding the beds. But it's got to be done, so I do it. And I try to do that in every area of my life, not just in my garden. 

I think I'm going to try and talk my friend into giving me an iris from her garden—or at least teaching me how to grow one—to symbolize what Jesus will do with a life, any life, that is wholly surrendered to Him. And, to symbolize what ONLY HE can do with that life. If you recall, she couldn't pull those weeds out on her own. It wasn't until she refused to give up and PRAYED, asking Jesus for HELP, before the weeds came out and her irises were saved. We cannot do it ourselves. If we could, we'd have already done it.

After all, ONLY GOD can make a tree.

Thank You, Jesus! Not only have You helped me to grow instead of die, You have breathed New Life and poured Living Water into every area of me, inside and out. I believe we are all weeds, growing unruly and out of control, before You love us and turn us into the beautiful, living, growing flowers You mean for us to be. I am grateful that You actually CARE about every single thing in my life… even my garden! You know the number of hairs on my head. You care for the swallow; how much more You care for ME! I love You and I thank You for teaching me through every circumstance, every person and every occurrence in my life, no matter how small or how great. You are THE AWESOME!
Amen.

Begin at the beginning.

If you dig quotes (like I do as a writer) then you have GOT to love Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland! That book is a virtual treasure trove of awesome words and phrasing. My favorite quotes from this story:

• "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards."
• "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."
• "Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end; then stop."

Now, if you dig Truth (like I do as a recovering addict and bonafide Jesus freak) then those 3 little phrases are also a treasure trove! Pastors could do entire series of sermons on those 3 simple sentences! If they can't, I know I could. But that's for another time...

For now, I'll just say that the first two pretty much summed up my life pre-recovery. The last says a lot about who I am now... It used to be that my memory only worked backward and I was trapped in my past; I couldn't get out. I wanted to look toward the future, but I didn't really believe I had one and if I did, I just didn't know how to find it or plan for it. Then, I started out on a journey to try and turn my life around, but I was using my own wits and will; I'd sort of unintentionally left God out of it by taking any road that seemed logical to me. (Bad idea when you're about as logical as a goose.)

Recovery gave me the gift summed up in the last quote... If you're lost or confused, just begin at the beginning, and keep going until you get to the end, then chill.  Put like that, it all seems so simple, doesn't it?

That's because it is! Note I didn't say "easy." For what's simple is often not easy, though fully worth the effort.

In a conversation today with someone who is thinking of starting Celebrate Recovery, I was asked what it was like for me in the beginning and how I got to where I am now. In my desire to most accurately respond to that query, I went back and read through some of my early posts in The Recovery Chronicles. I'd been in recovery for about a year (Feb. '08) and was blowing it pretty badly before I got serious about it (Feb. '09). I decided to write about it late that summer. I submit to you now, my dear reader friends, my first entry, dated August 2009.

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The Recovery Chronicles: An Introduction

This blog is intended to be a diary, of sorts, I suppose. I'm in recovery. I participate in Celebrate Recovery at Heartsong Church in Memphis, Tenn. I am a believer who struggles with love addiction and codependency. But don't let the label fool you: I'm an addict, no more, no less.

The Bible says in Matthew, I think? Somewhere in the New Testament, I kinda suck at addresses... Anyway Jesus is quoted as saying, "For what does it profit a man to gain the entire world, but lose his own soul? And what would a man give in exchange for his soul?" Well, lemme tell ya, when it comes to acting out and trying to find ways to fill the hole that's inside each and every human being, I've tried it ALL. I lived out the last couple of decades with a "FOR SALE" sign around my neck, selling out to anything or anyone that I thought would bring me relief or fulfill my sick definition of happiness. At one point in time, I'm ashamed to say, there wasn't a damn thing I would NOT give in exchange for my soul.

Here's the kicker: there's only ONE way to have any kind of peace, contentment and joy in this life, and that is through living your life according to The Truth. For me, that is embodied in Jesus Christ. Period.

Now this blog isn't intended to push religion, Jesus or anything of the sort down anyone's throat. It's merely the thoughts and record of one person who's realized that there is more to life than self-aggrandizement, quick fixes and situational or relative ethics.

Picture a kid in a field with no fence. It's infinite... all you can see in every direction is the horizon. That might be a neat concept for a greeting card, but it does NOT work in real life. Real life requires boundaries; boundaries bring freedom. (Anyone who denies this fact is gonna get REAL UPSET reading the things I choose to share.)

No kid really wants a fence, or at least they don't THINK they do. But if you think about it, all kids feel most loved when they push a boundary and someone who has their best interests at heart PUSHES BACK. If there are never any fences, that kid is in an endless field, never knowing exactly where they are. That might be fun for a minute, but trust me... eventually, we all need to find our bearings.

For me, that fence is Jesus Christ. The Truth. And the 12 Steps and 8 Principles of recovery. When there is a fence, that means there is a boundary, like a big, blinking YOU ARE HERE sign. Even if you are on the wrong side of that fence, at least you know where you are! Then and only then can you figure out where you need to go.

Like I said, this is merely intended to be one person sharing the joys, the struggles, the victories, the defeats, the questions, the answers and anything else that comes to mind as I move along down this road of recovery. It's just one addict sharing the experience, strength and hope I'm finding along the way, hoping it helps someone else.

And make no mistake, it IS a journey. It's not a destination. If you look at it like that, you will fail.

Love, JEN

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Looking back on that now, I can say that the ground under my feet is more solid that I could have ever hoped for... I've had ups and downs and it's been one major ride! Yet every single thing I said in this first blog post is absolutely true. 

Here's something I've discovered about Truth: it's not a what, it's a Who. Jesus, that's Who! Once you give up the illusion of control and accept Him for who and what He is, your insides just settle right on down. I can't explain it.

Another thing I've discovered about Truth: over time, if you adhere to Him, Truth becomes even MORE TRUE. I have NO idea how that works...? I just know it's a fact.

I'm still really bad at addresses. I'm still an addict, and I'm still on a journey. Only now, like any good trip worth taking, I have some great stories, some pretty incredible pictures and some invaluable experiences. Plus, I am FREE. I have JOY. Most importantly, I am LOVED and I am WELL. 

Going back to Lewis Carroll for a moment, I'll sum it up this way:

• My memory no longer works backwards. In fact, I have trouble remembering some of my past, simply because it just isn't that important to me anymore.
• I am no longer lost. I know where I'm going, I'm on an ever-forward journey toward a solid and certain destination. No more "down the rabbit hole" for me! "Any old road" is no longer acceptable.
• I began at the beginning, but I've not yet reached the end. God isn't finished with me yet... I'm still on this journey and grateful for it! 

So, in closing, if you are like my friend--lost, confused, trying to figure out which way to go--I'll tell you the same thing I told her:

Begin at the beginning. Follow on down the road until you reach the only destination worth arriving at: Jesus Christ.

I am no longer "For Sale." I have been bought, paid for and redeemed!

Thank you SO MUCH, Lord, for all that You have done and continue to do, and for all the little ways, each and every day as I continue along this journey of recovery, that You bless and keep me. Amen.

Allergic to CRAZY

In order to keep friends and family from interfering with their painful and destructive behaviors, addicts sometimes (almost always, in fact!) create diversions by accusing or provoking. It's called deflection, and it's simple Warfare 101; rooted in denial, this process provides the opportunity for an addict to avoid accepting responsibility for his or her choices and the consequences he or she doesn't want to deal with. And I'm am defining "addict" here by anyone who is otherwise irrational. You don't have to drink or use drugs to be crazy. (Trust me.)


At such a time, when an addict attacks, those who have been affected by the addict's behavior tend to react, to argue and to defend themselves. Ergo, I say "provides the opportunity" because this technique only works with people choose to play the addict's game and engage in such crazymaking. (Which is the reason Al-Anon and similar groups were created, by the way.) So rather than dealing with the issue at hand, we start shooting at the target put before us. This shifts the responsibility of the situation from the one who caused it to the one who is suffering from it, which is, of course, completely unfair. 


As a result, no one has to look at the addict and his or her behavior. Instead, we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued—and any topic will do, so long as it's not the behavior or attitude of the addict, or the addict having to admit wrong or take responsibility. And unfortunately, what we defend against we make real. The simple act of playing the addict's game of deflection muddies the waters and confuses the issue. I promise you, do this once or twice, much less over and over and over again, and you WILL go insane. Because the biggest problem with crazy is that IT IS CONTAGIOUS.


Step One in recovery is dealing with denial; we admit that we are powerless over our addictions and our hurts, habits and hang-ups. We admit that our lives have become unmanageable and that we do not have the strength or resources necessary to fight our "disease" or to turn our lives around on our own. If we did, we wouldn't need recovery; we'd have already done it. We also admit that we are powerless over other people and THEIR addictions, hurts, habits and hang-ups. The only person any of us can hope to control is our own personal self. It's impossible to manage or control others, just like it's impossible to manage or control someone who is truly free of mind and spirit because they belong to Christ.


Therefore, it logically follows that defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with those who are actively acting-out, or with otherwise irrational people, is as fruitless as donning combat boots and a potato sack to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion! This is why the only way to win the deflection game is to avoid playing it altogether. Only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. And let's face it: what is more insane than trying to reason with someone who's unreasonable? Or trying to use logic with someone who's completely illogical? Trust me, if you haven't experienced this, it can scramble your brains. Or worse, you will go utterly blank—like being unplugged. It's awful.


The sanity-restoring Power is God Himself. We are each responsible for taking the actions necessary to keep ourselves safe. But I'm not only speaking of physical safety—I'm also referring here to keeping your mind, your heart and your spirit safe. I lived with a drunk the first third of my life, where my physical safety was threatened almost daily. Then I had to deal with a "dry drunk" the next third of my life. And believe me when I say that sometimes there is more pain inflicted to the mind and spirit through words and actions than fists could EVER attain. Why? Because bruises and cuts heal. But the bleeding of the heart and spirit is never-ending and will perpetuate until YOU make a choice and take a stand and stop it. 


Whether or not my physical safety is at risk, I can always make choices about my responses, and Truth is the best protection to and the only antidote for crazy. I don't have to react instantly to provocation, nor am I obligated to justify myself to anyone. 


By going to Jesus for my protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense. Like so many things, I wish I had learned this a long time ago. This approach saves me time and time again, and protects my mind and spirit from being infected with crazy.


At this stage in my life, I've come to realize that it sometimes takes more work to stay OUT of drama than it does to be the cause of it. I've reached the point in my recovery where crazy exhausts me. It just wears me out! And it makes me ANGRY. Because while I was once there myself, and have empathy and understanding for the crazy's point of view, I no longer have the patience or tolerance for someone who simply refuses to see that they are wrong, or stubbornly refuses to own it when they DO see it. I can't—or more accurately, WON'T—deal with someone who chooses to wallow in insanity rather than simply saying, "I was wrong. I am sorry." Because until someone does that, you cannot start again, and you have no common ground on which to build.


I say crazy is contagious because no one is above it. I don't care who you are. It is SO EASY to justify unacceptable behavior. We make excuses, blame other people, and say we were provoked or had no choice. We dismiss our actions by telling ourselves all manner of idiotic things so we can sleep better at night. In doing this, we are seeing our situation, not as it is, but as how we want to see it. In effect, we pretend our wrongs don't count. This is textbook denial, and as such makes no sense. Because if one considers the notion that Truth is Truth, then how can we possibly conclude that everyone else's wrongs count but ours?!? 


Step Four in recovery is to take a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves. It is fearless because of the strong spiritual foundation developed through taking the first three steps. It is moral because we take responsibility for our lives, listing rights and wrongs about our conduct and choices. And it's is searching, because the only way to thoroughly and correctly take this step is to resist the urge to justify and excuse our wrongs, or take credit unjustly for our rights. This process draws me closer to God and gives me the courage and self-discipline I need to face what I uncover, because it ain't always pretty. It also shines a light on the crazy places and allows me to fully accept God's healing, and to live by it and in it. 


Only by freely acknowledging who we have been can we make positive changes about who we are becoming. 


This is not MY Truth, it's God's. I no longer operate under the delusion that I'm in control of anything, nor do I want to be! I've also been delivered from the trap of always blaming someone else instead of taking responsibility. It may hurt in the short run but in the long run, I am FREE! So what if it does take more work to stay out of drama and away from crazy on the front end? The freedom and peace on the back end make it MORE than worth it! 


Learn to live by Truth; start robbing the addict of those opportunities created by deflection where you sacrifice your very soul on the altar of someone else's insanity. Let their stubborn refusal to deal with what you KNOW is real and true be THEIR problem. They don't deserve that kind of sacrifice and you aren't required to make it. Because ultimately, you cannot win an argument with an addict or an otherwise irrational person because they are not playing by the same rules as you are. The only winning play is to NOT play. 


Keep on keeping on, and you will become as allergic to crazy as I am. It's the one allergy I don't mind at all living with!

The problem with JOY

There have been days when many of us felt that good times would never come again. After so many disappointments, it seemed too painful to continue to hope. We shut our hearts and minds to our dreams and stopped expecting to find happiness. We weren't happy, but at least we wouldn't be let down again.


Caring, hoping, wanting--these are risky. But as we recover from the effects of our addictions and destructive habits, we may find that the risks are worth taking. In time, it may not be enough to simply avoid disappointment; we want more; we want rich, full, exciting lives with joy as well as sorrow. Just finding the willingness to believe that joy can exist in our lives today can be very challenging, but until we make room in our hearts for good times, we may not recognize them when they arrive. 


Nobody is happy all the time. But all of us are capable of feeling good. We deserve to allow ourselves to experience every bit of joy life has to offer.


Reminder: I will not let fear of disappointment prevent me from enjoying this day. I have a great capacity for happiness.


"I want to grow in my willingness to make room in my life for good times, having faith in their arrival and patience in my anticipation." (Living with Sobriety)


I don't know how it is in your space, dear reader. But in mine, it seems as if the whole world is suddenly "on the rag" and everyone is twice as cranky as normal. 


Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's school letting out and the immediate increase of activity (6 events in 2 days is too much!). Maybe it's the annual lull between seasons, those couple of weeks where the new growth of spring has taken firm root and summer is slowly waking up. Whatever it is, it sure has everyone on edge. I am no exception.


Personally, the weather has a big impact on me. Gray, dreary, overcast days like today affect my mood as much as those first few days of sunshine after a long winter. Days like today seem to just sap the joy right out of me. I'm particularly more resentful of it now than I used to be, considering joy is a newfound concept to me, a possession I never thought I'd have and am adamantly reluctant to let go of now that I have it.


At the church I used to attend, I once sat through a Sunday school class where one of the second pastors gave a talk on joy. Everyone else in the class was really into it, but I was pretty confused; irate, even. It must've been all over my face, too, because he came up to me afterward and said, "You were uncharacteristically quiet!" (Surprise, surprise, I talked a lot in class. No news flash, right?) "What did I say that didn't make sense to you?" I told him I couldn't really express it yet and that I would think about it and email it to him. And I did.


The next Sunday, he came up to me, laughing, and said, "I must say that in all my years of pastoring and all the questions and issues I've had people bring to me, the subject line of your email to me on last week's lesson was the most unusual and astonishing phrasing I've ever heard." I said, "What do you mean?" He replied, "The subject line was 'The problem with joy.' And it stumped me, quite frankly, and I've been praying all week about how to respond because I have never heard joy described as a problem before."


Leave it to me to come up with something new, eh? But for me, that is exactly what joy was: a problem. A big, fat, ugly, unsolvable problem. More than that, joy was a torturous thing since everyone else seemed to have it but ME. Happy I get. But joy? That's fairytale stuff. And the more I kept hearing sermons, lessons, songs, blah blah blah about this joy that I couldn't have, the angrier I got. It was unfair!


Thank you, merciful Heaven, that I was wrong. 


The first snag in any pursuit of joy is EXPECTATIONS. Boy do we set ourselves up to fail every time with expectations. It is SO HARD not to have them, yet SO EASY to create them with words, ideas, actions... You must let go of those, and you must take care to never set them up for someone else. Unfortunately, I can't really tell you how to do that. (Sorry!)


The only antidote to expectations is Truth. Jesus' Truth. Not my truth, your truth, her truth, their truth, your great-great-grandpappy twice removed on your mama's side's truth... HIS TRUTH. Amazing how many expectations blow up in the light of real truth. 


Going through recovery as a pursuit of God Himself rather than a way to stop the pain is the quickest way to strip life and all that goes with it down to its bare essences. Trying to know and understand yourself better is a total trap and a colossal waste of time. Why? Because even you don't know you like God does, and pursuing yourself cuts Him out and leaves you lacking in knowledge. However, you kill two birds with one stone when you go after Christ like you do every other thing that was ever important to you. Why? Because getting to REALLY KNOW Christ is the same thing as getting to know yourself, your REAL self. Not the you that you have made up in your head or the one that puts on a show for everyone. I mean the core, essential, true YOU. And ONLY God knows THAT you because that is your Spirit, which God made and ONLY God understands because Spirit is infinite and we are finite. We couldn't go that deep without Him if we tried... and we DO try! And fail every time, over and over again. 


It's frigging exhausting. I'm tired just THINKING about it.


There's a commercial on TV right now about how technology is moving so fast that no matter what you buy, as soon as your purchase is complete there's a brand new deal out on the market. The last scene in the ad is this dude having a giant TV delivered to his house while looking at a truck across the street advertising an even better TV than the one the guys are trying to bring in his front door. Meanwhile, a little girl in the yard is running in circles chanting in a sing-song voice, "You bought the wrong TV, silly head!"


Decades of my life were spent just like that man, putting all my time, effort, money and energy toward things that were rendered obsolete as soon as I'd achieved them, if I ever did. Only to suffer crippling disappointment, loss and pain when I realized I had gotten it wrong. Again. Then I was like the little girl, chasing myself round and round in circles like a dog chasing his tail, saying to myself, you messed up again, silly head! And all the while, God was sitting there, patiently waiting for me to run out of steam. But did I grow and learn from the error of my ways? NO. Would I admit I was wrong and that maybe just perhaps I ought to come at it differently? NO. I just kept right on going, shunning the Lord the whole time yet telling myself that this is what He wanted for me.


Ergo, I arrived at this "problem" with joy. Joy was all fine and great but I didn't get it, couldn't understand it, and apparently wasn't meant to actually have it. And I was hacked off! Being trapped in that cycle for years on end wore me down to the point where I no longer had the ability to believe in goodness, hope or joy for myself. I believed deep down that I was unworthy of having and/or incapable of holding onto good things, so I just resigned myself to crap and stopped trying for anything different. 


Until Jesus. Until He led me to recovery. Now I have more joy and good things than I ever imagined possible. Everything is different. 


So when I read today's recovery thingy I shared at the start of this blog, I just cried and cried and had to share it with you. I wish I could remember that Sunday school teacher's name or where he is now. Because I would love to email him again! The subject line would read: The solution to joy. (Bet he'd get a real kick out of that! LOL I have my moments... )


And what is the solution to joy, you ask? Jesus. Joy is only a problem to those who are only concerned with themselves and don't truly know Jesus. There is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is a focused pursuit of oneself, yielding only a feeling that comes and goes, dependent on circumstances and other people. Trying to hold onto happiness is like trying to grasp the wind. JOY, on the other hand, is an innate solidarity resulting from a focused pursuit of the Lord DESPITE oneself. Joy is a state of mind that transcends feelings or circumstances. It's not an event or a destination. It's more of a direction--an intentional choice to stay on a path where your interaction with the world is defined by a mindset rooted in truth and in seeing yourself, your circumstances and the world around you through HIS eyes--the only way any of us can really see anything clearly.


I don't know if this is making any sense to you, dear reader. I hope I'm explaining this correctly. I don't fully understand it all myself. But what I DO know for certain is that joy is no longer a problem for me. I'm not saying I'm so recovered that my joy isn't threatened at times, or that I don't have to fight harder to keep it on days like today. 


What I am saying is that my joy can never truly be taken away or stolen from me. I can give it away when I allow people or situations to take over and allow them to hold more power over me than they deserve. That's when I get lost. Yet it's still mine and I can take it right back with a simple choice to get up and get back on the path I was on. 


The more I do that, the more joy I seem to have. Every time I forgive instead of holding a grudge, every time I obey instead of rebel, every time I stop and think before I speak instead of going off, every time I am willing to consider that I might be wrong instead of stubbornly holding onto my viewpoint, every time I say I'm sorry instead of picking a fight, every time I let go instead of holding on, every time I speak or act from love instead of anger, bitterness or resentment, every time I go to God with something instead of trying to figure it out myself, every time I apply a lesson I've learned in the past to a present situation and do something differently than I would have before, every time I work to resolve a conflict instead of hiding from it, every time I stand up for myself and keep my boundaries instead of placating for the sake of a false peace... I could go on and on but the POINT is that every time I think, speak or act according to Christ, then my joy increases. So does my love, my patience, all of it. And the CRAZIEST part about it all is that the times my joy increases is almost always IN SPITE of my circumstances or feelings. Not every time. But most of the time. How in the world is that even possible?! People think I am a Grade-A nutcase when I say things like this but it's TRUE! They can think I'm crazy all they want. I'm no longer afraid of looking like an idiot or making a mistake or being joyful in times when it seems impossible. Shoot. That's when it is the most fun!!!


In closing, I will say that I find it ironic and immensely amusing that I spent most of my life chasing happiness, pursuing what I thought it was with a vengeance, while not really believing I'd ever have it. I'd put all I had into it every time, which became less and less after every failure. Yet the moment I stopped those pursuits and started chasing God instead, BOOM there it was. Yes, it took time to work certain things out. My point is that not only does "happiness" not look like I thought it would should I ever get it, I had stopped caring about it altogether. JOY became my focus--which I define as having peace and being right with Christ at all times to the best of my ability. In addition, I have MORE than enough room in my life now for good things. And that didn't happen until I let go of all the bad stuff. AND my definition of "good things" and "peace" had been so completely transformed by the Lord that when my old ideas of happiness were presented to me on a silver platter, I was more than merely uninterested. I was totally indifferent, unaffected. 


Just when I had stopped believing in happiness, I got something even better.


Isn't that AWESOME?!?!?!? If you don't think that is beyond magical, my dear reader friend, then you need to STOP, DROP & PRAY. RIGHT NOW! Then, RUN, not walk, to the nearest Celebrate Recovery program that you can find. Posthaste and forthwith. Do not stop or be delayed for any reason!


"I have said these things to you so that I may have joy in you and so that your joy may be complete." (John 15:11)

Get it right

I talked with someone today who is going through a rough time. This person is in a place I know all too well: "almost." 

For years, I knew something was wrong. I knew I needed to clean it up, make some changes... You know, I needed to "fix it." But for the life of me, no matter how hard I tried, how good my intentions were or how much it mattered to me, I somehow kept missing the mark. It was an ugly cycle of "almost" getting it. I cannot begin to describe how frustrating this is and the sheer hopelessness it makes you feel after repeating the same process a gabillion times. To put it another way, "almost" royally sucks.

Hearing my friend express her frustration was like listening to myself..."How many times do I have to do this? How long will I have to hurt, how much will I have to lose and how many more times is it going to take before I finally get it?" UGH my heart just broke for her. I know how it feels to be going all along, everything seemingly just like you think you want it, then BOOM it all blows up in your face and you are left lying there, bleeding, crying and wondering, "What the hell just happened?! What have I done?! Must I really do this AGAIN?!?!"  

It was a trap in my thinking and a serious deficit in my spirit, though I didn't know it at the time. All I knew then, just like all my friend was feeling today, was that I felt woefully inadequate. My very best was just never good enough, I never ended up with the brass ring or the happy ending. I hurt everyone I ever cared about, destroyed everything I touched and always ended up shattered into pieces, alone and sad and hurting. Once or twice is bad enough, but ending up in the same place with the same result--PAIN and LOSS--over and over again is enough to drive anyone right out of their mind... especially because you always think "this time it will be different." Yet how many times has "this time" ended up EXACTLY like the last time, and all the times before that? And for some unknown asinine reason, all too often we don't deal with it correctly and barrel on ahead instead of doing something different.

I heard a song this past week that describes exactly what this is like.

Get It Right

What have I done?

I wish I could run

away from this ship going under

Just trying to help

hurt everyone else

Now I feel the weight of the world is

on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

And all that you touch tumbles down?

My best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just want to fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh how many times will it take for me

to get it right?

To get it right?

Can I start again

with my faith shaken?

Cuz I can't go back and undo this

I'll just have to stay

and face my mistakes

But if I get stronger and wiser

I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

And all that you touch tumbles down?

My best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just want to fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh how many times will it take for me

to get it right?

So I'll throw up my fist

Throw a punch in the air

And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair

So I'll send out a wish

I'll send up a prayer

And finally someone will see

how much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

And all that you touch tumbles down?

My best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just want to fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh how many times will it take for me

to get it right?

To get it right?

Just like my friend did today, I'd go and talk the issue to death with anyone who would listen. I was lucky enough to get some really good advice. But damned if I ever took it. When I think back on some of those conversations, I realize I was told the truth plenty of times. The problem wasn't that I didn't know it, it was that I didn't want to ACCEPT it and what it would require of me.

It is my prayer for all of you that you never have to reach the same level of devastation I did before I stopped fighting the inevitable and running from the truth. I hope that it won't take near the same amount of pain and heartache and loss that I had to go through before I finally gave up on doing things my way and started listening to Jesus and trying it His way for a change. And I'll have you all know that my life did not begin to get better even one second before I surrendered my will to Him. I'd given Him my heart; but Jesus isn't just to be our Savior. He is to be Lord as well. That was the part I hadn't gotten yet.

And I will tell you as well that the answer to the question, "How many times will it take for me to get it right?" is "As many times as it takes for you to learn to totally and completely surrender to Christ." Why? Because truth is just that: TRUTH. So-called "relative" truth and "situational" ethics are total bullsh&%. Right is right, even if no one does it, just like wrong is wrong, even if everyone does it. God set Truth as the standard. Period. And there's no getting out of it, around it or changing it for anyone. I don't care who you are. Life is full of certain truths that don't yield or change no matter how uniquely special you think you are. "Gravity always wins, the earth doesn't move and God won't pull the ripcord." It is what it is. And it's up to each and every one of us how many times we'll have to go through the same old tired-ass cycle of "my way" before we give up to "His way." He's not being sadistic, either, by letting us repeat the cycle instead of rescuing us. He allows it because He loves us. It's called FREE WILL, and that can be your best friend or your worst nightmare, depending on your choices. Out of His love for us, He will allow us to CHOOSE that tired old pattern, over and over, until we are ready to let it go because He KNOWS that until we do it will never change.

Listening to that song, and again today to the words of my friend, brought it all back to me... How AWFUL it is to know that certain things are possible and that you need to change but not having the first clue what to do about it. I wish now that I'd learned long ago to just LISTEN. And further, to just truly consider the words that were being said to me. I had to get past how I FELT about what was being said to me and just THINK about what was actually being said. When I did that, when I put my feelings aside and thought about the concept being put before me, that's when things started to sink in a little bit and I began to see some light at the end of the tunnel... Rarely in those moments will truth say anything good about you, and usually you will find that you are on the wrong side of it. But even that is so much better than stuffing it down and denying, just to have to repeat the cycle all over again, and end up in the same exact place, with the same exact results, asking the same exact questions. You just have to reach a point where it doesn't matter what the truth says about you or how it makes you feel; you accept it and act on it anyway, and then you are finally in a position to really and truly make some changes that will last... For me, it was no longer enough to merely survive. I wanted to LIVE. But to do that, first I had to HEAL. And NO ONE can do that until they accept and live according to truth. Otherwise you're just going right back down the rabbit hole.

I am so grateful to Jesus from delivering me from all of that. All I have to do now to "get it right" is to go to Him, be honest about everything, ask Him what to do and then do it. My "best intentions" now yield way to having the right heart before the Lord. If I do that, if I make sure that I am right before Him, then funny how the rest of it seems to take care of itself.

My prayer for you is that you, too, will reach a place where you surrender to Jesus. Because until you do, you can do your absolute best and you still won't get it right. Don't be like me and act a stubborn mule for a couple of decades before you get it right. Do it NOW, today. I hope that it won't take you as many times to "get it right" as it took me.

Whispers

I recall a game we used to play when we were kids called Telephone. We'd sit in a big circle, and one person would whisper something into the ear of the person sitting next to them. Then that person would turn and repeat what had just been said to the person sitting next to them, and so on and so on... until we'd gone all the way around the circle. The person sitting next to the original whisperer would tell the group what had been said to them. Without exception, the words of the last person and the words of the first person were never the same. In fact, I can't think of one single time we played that game where the ending was even close to the beginning. In fact, most of the time it was hysterical how different it was.

I celebrated two years in recovery recently. And I got to share parts of my story last week with a childhood friend I hadn't seen since high school. She called me up for lunch, and it was great fun seeing her and catching up. But it was clear that God had a bigger purpose in mind than just reminiscing.

I've thought a lot since that visit... about what I was like during the time period so long ago when she and I lived around the corner from each other and played... about how much can and has happened in the span of a couple of decades... about how differently life turned out than I thought it would... and about how differently it could have turned out, for the worst, had Jesus not turned it all completely around.

It is so easy--SO DANG EASY--to become complacent, tired, spiritually lazy, etc. When I left my friend that day, I was on a Holy Ghost high because I realized it had been, literally, 3 months since I'd focused my thoughts and conversation on Jesus so intently. Not that I've forgotten Him entirely. I've just been...well, busy. But more than that, I'd fallen into a sleep and I didn't know it. It took seeing my old friend again and recognizing that God was doing something to wake me up.

I've done lots of praying and meditating with Jesus and it has occurred to me that for so very long, my relationship with Jesus was a lot like that old game, Telephone. Bits and pieces, picked up here and there, from this person or that sermon or this song or that book, passed along but nothing really solid. It was a vicarious faith, which really isn't faith at all. 

A relationship with Jesus is a living, breathing thing... it's something that is more real, more alive, than anything you have ever or ever will know. I can explain faith to you, but I can't understand it for you. Jesus is someone who must be experienced, personally, by each and every one of us. Of course we can share, and should, with each other. But until we turn our thoughts, our wills, our feelings, our choices, our actions, over to Him, each and every single day, then our walk with Him will be no more accurate than the words spoken at the end of the circle in that game; it'll be just like those whispers, only pieces of the truth, but never the whole thing. It will not match the original, and that just isn't good enough.

If faith is only as good as the object in which it is placed, then I choose for my faith to be in the one true God, in the REAL LIVE Jesus. I won't settle for the scraps given to me by people who don't really know for themselves, who are only passing along what may or not be true. I want the real deal.

And that is really what recovery and living an honest, authentic life is all about, isn't it? Notice I did NOT say a "perfect" life. Someone who is being honest and real will make mistakes; they just won't be defined by them, and they will do all they can to learn from them and move on.

It just never gets old to me how much I do NOT think about my past. I hate that I wasted so much time doing the same old things over and over again, almost getting it but not quite... That truly sucks, I must say. Plus, what's the point of lingering in cemeteries with ghosts and old stories and wounds once you've examined them for their worth? Isn't it better to let it go and move on? I think so. In the Bible, Jesus doesn't waste time discussing wrong answers with people who screwed up. What's the point of having a struggling golfer hit another 5,719 balls with the wrong grip, incorrect stance or faulty swing? No, Jesus instead pointed out truth. Then He'd say, now go forth and get'er done. 

I'm quite certain kids today still play the Telephone game. I know adults do! We are all guilty of it... settling for sloppy seconds, incomplete stories, half truths... But a half truth is a whole lie, is it not? Let's not settle for mere whispers uttered by others. Instead, let's go straight to the horse's mouth, so to speak, and seek to hear Jesus' voice directly, at full volume. 

Go hard or go home.