At such a time, when an addict attacks, those who have been affected by the addict's behavior tend to react, to argue and to defend themselves. Ergo, I say "provides the opportunity" because this technique only works with people choose to play the addict's game and engage in such crazymaking. (Which is the reason Al-Anon and similar groups were created, by the way.) So rather than dealing with the issue at hand, we start shooting at the target put before us. This shifts the responsibility of the situation from the one who caused it to the one who is suffering from it, which is, of course, completely unfair.
As a result, no one has to look at the addict and his or her behavior. Instead, we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued—and any topic will do, so long as it's not the behavior or attitude of the addict, or the addict having to admit wrong or take responsibility. And unfortunately, what we defend against we make real. The simple act of playing the addict's game of deflection muddies the waters and confuses the issue. I promise you, do this once or twice, much less over and over and over again, and you WILL go insane. Because the biggest problem with crazy is that IT IS CONTAGIOUS.
Step One in recovery is dealing with denial; we admit that we are powerless over our addictions and our hurts, habits and hang-ups. We admit that our lives have become unmanageable and that we do not have the strength or resources necessary to fight our "disease" or to turn our lives around on our own. If we did, we wouldn't need recovery; we'd have already done it. We also admit that we are powerless over other people and THEIR addictions, hurts, habits and hang-ups. The only person any of us can hope to control is our own personal self. It's impossible to manage or control others, just like it's impossible to manage or control someone who is truly free of mind and spirit because they belong to Christ.
Therefore, it logically follows that defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with those who are actively acting-out, or with otherwise irrational people, is as fruitless as donning combat boots and a potato sack to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion! This is why the only way to win the deflection game is to avoid playing it altogether. Only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. And let's face it: what is more insane than trying to reason with someone who's unreasonable? Or trying to use logic with someone who's completely illogical? Trust me, if you haven't experienced this, it can scramble your brains. Or worse, you will go utterly blank—like being unplugged. It's awful.
The sanity-restoring Power is God Himself. We are each responsible for taking the actions necessary to keep ourselves safe. But I'm not only speaking of physical safety—I'm also referring here to keeping your mind, your heart and your spirit safe. I lived with a drunk the first third of my life, where my physical safety was threatened almost daily. Then I had to deal with a "dry drunk" the next third of my life. And believe me when I say that sometimes there is more pain inflicted to the mind and spirit through words and actions than fists could EVER attain. Why? Because bruises and cuts heal. But the bleeding of the heart and spirit is never-ending and will perpetuate until YOU make a choice and take a stand and stop it.
Whether or not my physical safety is at risk, I can always make choices about my responses, and Truth is the best protection to and the only antidote for crazy. I don't have to react instantly to provocation, nor am I obligated to justify myself to anyone.
By going to Jesus for my protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense. Like so many things, I wish I had learned this a long time ago. This approach saves me time and time again, and protects my mind and spirit from being infected with crazy.
At this stage in my life, I've come to realize that it sometimes takes more work to stay OUT of drama than it does to be the cause of it. I've reached the point in my recovery where crazy exhausts me. It just wears me out! And it makes me ANGRY. Because while I was once there myself, and have empathy and understanding for the crazy's point of view, I no longer have the patience or tolerance for someone who simply refuses to see that they are wrong, or stubbornly refuses to own it when they DO see it. I can't—or more accurately, WON'T—deal with someone who chooses to wallow in insanity rather than simply saying, "I was wrong. I am sorry." Because until someone does that, you cannot start again, and you have no common ground on which to build.
I say crazy is contagious because no one is above it. I don't care who you are. It is SO EASY to justify unacceptable behavior. We make excuses, blame other people, and say we were provoked or had no choice. We dismiss our actions by telling ourselves all manner of idiotic things so we can sleep better at night. In doing this, we are seeing our situation, not as it is, but as how we want to see it. In effect, we pretend our wrongs don't count. This is textbook denial, and as such makes no sense. Because if one considers the notion that Truth is Truth, then how can we possibly conclude that everyone else's wrongs count but ours?!?
Step Four in recovery is to take a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves. It is fearless because of the strong spiritual foundation developed through taking the first three steps. It is moral because we take responsibility for our lives, listing rights and wrongs about our conduct and choices. And it's is searching, because the only way to thoroughly and correctly take this step is to resist the urge to justify and excuse our wrongs, or take credit unjustly for our rights. This process draws me closer to God and gives me the courage and self-discipline I need to face what I uncover, because it ain't always pretty. It also shines a light on the crazy places and allows me to fully accept God's healing, and to live by it and in it.
Only by freely acknowledging who we have been can we make positive changes about who we are becoming.
This is not MY Truth, it's God's. I no longer operate under the delusion that I'm in control of anything, nor do I want to be! I've also been delivered from the trap of always blaming someone else instead of taking responsibility. It may hurt in the short run but in the long run, I am FREE! So what if it does take more work to stay out of drama and away from crazy on the front end? The freedom and peace on the back end make it MORE than worth it!
Learn to live by Truth; start robbing the addict of those opportunities created by deflection where you sacrifice your very soul on the altar of someone else's insanity. Let their stubborn refusal to deal with what you KNOW is real and true be THEIR problem. They don't deserve that kind of sacrifice and you aren't required to make it. Because ultimately, you cannot win an argument with an addict or an otherwise irrational person because they are not playing by the same rules as you are. The only winning play is to NOT play.
Keep on keeping on, and you will become as allergic to crazy as I am. It's the one allergy I don't mind at all living with!
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