Begin at the beginning.

If you dig quotes (like I do as a writer) then you have GOT to love Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland! That book is a virtual treasure trove of awesome words and phrasing. My favorite quotes from this story:

• "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards."
• "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."
• "Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end; then stop."

Now, if you dig Truth (like I do as a recovering addict and bonafide Jesus freak) then those 3 little phrases are also a treasure trove! Pastors could do entire series of sermons on those 3 simple sentences! If they can't, I know I could. But that's for another time...

For now, I'll just say that the first two pretty much summed up my life pre-recovery. The last says a lot about who I am now... It used to be that my memory only worked backward and I was trapped in my past; I couldn't get out. I wanted to look toward the future, but I didn't really believe I had one and if I did, I just didn't know how to find it or plan for it. Then, I started out on a journey to try and turn my life around, but I was using my own wits and will; I'd sort of unintentionally left God out of it by taking any road that seemed logical to me. (Bad idea when you're about as logical as a goose.)

Recovery gave me the gift summed up in the last quote... If you're lost or confused, just begin at the beginning, and keep going until you get to the end, then chill.  Put like that, it all seems so simple, doesn't it?

That's because it is! Note I didn't say "easy." For what's simple is often not easy, though fully worth the effort.

In a conversation today with someone who is thinking of starting Celebrate Recovery, I was asked what it was like for me in the beginning and how I got to where I am now. In my desire to most accurately respond to that query, I went back and read through some of my early posts in The Recovery Chronicles. I'd been in recovery for about a year (Feb. '08) and was blowing it pretty badly before I got serious about it (Feb. '09). I decided to write about it late that summer. I submit to you now, my dear reader friends, my first entry, dated August 2009.

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The Recovery Chronicles: An Introduction

This blog is intended to be a diary, of sorts, I suppose. I'm in recovery. I participate in Celebrate Recovery at Heartsong Church in Memphis, Tenn. I am a believer who struggles with love addiction and codependency. But don't let the label fool you: I'm an addict, no more, no less.

The Bible says in Matthew, I think? Somewhere in the New Testament, I kinda suck at addresses... Anyway Jesus is quoted as saying, "For what does it profit a man to gain the entire world, but lose his own soul? And what would a man give in exchange for his soul?" Well, lemme tell ya, when it comes to acting out and trying to find ways to fill the hole that's inside each and every human being, I've tried it ALL. I lived out the last couple of decades with a "FOR SALE" sign around my neck, selling out to anything or anyone that I thought would bring me relief or fulfill my sick definition of happiness. At one point in time, I'm ashamed to say, there wasn't a damn thing I would NOT give in exchange for my soul.

Here's the kicker: there's only ONE way to have any kind of peace, contentment and joy in this life, and that is through living your life according to The Truth. For me, that is embodied in Jesus Christ. Period.

Now this blog isn't intended to push religion, Jesus or anything of the sort down anyone's throat. It's merely the thoughts and record of one person who's realized that there is more to life than self-aggrandizement, quick fixes and situational or relative ethics.

Picture a kid in a field with no fence. It's infinite... all you can see in every direction is the horizon. That might be a neat concept for a greeting card, but it does NOT work in real life. Real life requires boundaries; boundaries bring freedom. (Anyone who denies this fact is gonna get REAL UPSET reading the things I choose to share.)

No kid really wants a fence, or at least they don't THINK they do. But if you think about it, all kids feel most loved when they push a boundary and someone who has their best interests at heart PUSHES BACK. If there are never any fences, that kid is in an endless field, never knowing exactly where they are. That might be fun for a minute, but trust me... eventually, we all need to find our bearings.

For me, that fence is Jesus Christ. The Truth. And the 12 Steps and 8 Principles of recovery. When there is a fence, that means there is a boundary, like a big, blinking YOU ARE HERE sign. Even if you are on the wrong side of that fence, at least you know where you are! Then and only then can you figure out where you need to go.

Like I said, this is merely intended to be one person sharing the joys, the struggles, the victories, the defeats, the questions, the answers and anything else that comes to mind as I move along down this road of recovery. It's just one addict sharing the experience, strength and hope I'm finding along the way, hoping it helps someone else.

And make no mistake, it IS a journey. It's not a destination. If you look at it like that, you will fail.

Love, JEN

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Looking back on that now, I can say that the ground under my feet is more solid that I could have ever hoped for... I've had ups and downs and it's been one major ride! Yet every single thing I said in this first blog post is absolutely true. 

Here's something I've discovered about Truth: it's not a what, it's a Who. Jesus, that's Who! Once you give up the illusion of control and accept Him for who and what He is, your insides just settle right on down. I can't explain it.

Another thing I've discovered about Truth: over time, if you adhere to Him, Truth becomes even MORE TRUE. I have NO idea how that works...? I just know it's a fact.

I'm still really bad at addresses. I'm still an addict, and I'm still on a journey. Only now, like any good trip worth taking, I have some great stories, some pretty incredible pictures and some invaluable experiences. Plus, I am FREE. I have JOY. Most importantly, I am LOVED and I am WELL. 

Going back to Lewis Carroll for a moment, I'll sum it up this way:

• My memory no longer works backwards. In fact, I have trouble remembering some of my past, simply because it just isn't that important to me anymore.
• I am no longer lost. I know where I'm going, I'm on an ever-forward journey toward a solid and certain destination. No more "down the rabbit hole" for me! "Any old road" is no longer acceptable.
• I began at the beginning, but I've not yet reached the end. God isn't finished with me yet... I'm still on this journey and grateful for it! 

So, in closing, if you are like my friend--lost, confused, trying to figure out which way to go--I'll tell you the same thing I told her:

Begin at the beginning. Follow on down the road until you reach the only destination worth arriving at: Jesus Christ.

I am no longer "For Sale." I have been bought, paid for and redeemed!

Thank you SO MUCH, Lord, for all that You have done and continue to do, and for all the little ways, each and every day as I continue along this journey of recovery, that You bless and keep me. Amen.