Happy Recovery Birthday to ME!

Today, February 19, 2010, marks ONE YEAR of recovery for me. Happy Recovery Birthday to me! **insert balloons, cakes, banners & rock band**

Most refer to their anniversaries in recovery as "sobriety birthdays" but I don't. I have the utmost respect for sobriety and those who view their milestones in this manner. Sobriety IS important, I just think the issue is bigger than merely "getting sober." HEALING recovery comes down to a question of motive, I think...are you looking to get well for NOW? Or for EVER? A quick fix versus true, lasting healing... You can "get sober" and still be REAL effed up. I should know: my dad was a "dry drunk" who stopped his drinking, but never got help for any of the issues that instigated his drinking in the first place. In fact, this approach only made him worse... He was far meaner with his words and more destructive in his denial than he ever dreamed of being with his fists. To me he wasn't really "sober" in the true definition of the word, and he was definitely FAR from being healed. 

One year ago today, I made a crucial decision—I decided to "do something different." This became my mantra, as many of you know because you've heard it for the last year ad nauseum! There was a catalyst event that, combined with everything in my life, brought me to a defining, crossroads moment where the manner in which I lived the REST OF MY LIFE came down to the answer to this question: NOT, do I want to get well? But rather: am I willing to change and to do whatever it takes to get well? Because the answer to that question was altogether a horse of a different color. No one WANTS to be an addict, or screw up his or her life, or hurt others, etc. Wanting to get well and doing something about it are two very different things. Recovery is not about what you WANT, it's about what you are WILLING TO DO. Was I willing to GET OVER MYSELF and do whatever was required to get well, to really change? 

True change occurs in the context of one's perceptions, choices and mindset. Recovery should cure the disease, not just treat the symptoms. It should be about TOTAL healing...which goes WAY deeper than the ways in which you choose to act out. Living a healthy, recovered life comes down to how you think. So in that moment, I chose Jesus, and decided to change my mind and pursue my relationship with God and healing with the same reckless abandon and wholehearted commitment to which I’d given everything else in my life that was bad and had caused me to need help in the first place. And there began a journey over the past year that is unlike any other road I've ever been down. The following verses sort of sum it all up:

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.” (Philippians 3:7-16)

“There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven…

a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build…

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end… I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3, 11 & 14)

In the beginning, I will frankly admit that choosing recovery was not a decision I fully believed in… I wasn't sure I could really change a damn thing or live a different life. But it hurt SO BAD—the cuts were deep enough that I became desperate to just TRY it, even if it didn’t work out. My life was in shambles and I had to do something… and what I’d been doing for so many years just wasn’t working. I couldn’t hide anymore.

It was also a decision of FAITH… “Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.” I was sure that I hoped to stop hurting, get well, live better… and I absolutely could not see it. But I was at the end of my rope…SOMETHING had to give or as bad as it already was, it was gonna get even worse. Although I couldn't imagine what "worse" could possibly be, I knew from long experience that just when you think it can't get worse, it absolutely CAN. I had to get over it and move on, but how? It always starts with YOURSELF, with taking personal responsibility for your choices and the consequences of them. And I can tell you the biggest thing I’ve gotten over this past year is myself. Choosing JESUS is choosing life. And not a crappy unhappy life, either! Yes, I had a LOT to deal with, and I won’t lie—it wasn’t easy. BUT… the life I have now was worth the effort. Every tear, every hurt, every offense, every drop of sweat, every ounce of blood, every price paid, every obstacle overcome, every fear faced… it was ALL WORTH IT.

I’ve had my time to be destroyed, killed, torn down… it’s now my time for healing and building…. And I’m building on and in Jesus… A REAL, TRUE relationship with Christ is the best and most precious gift one can ever hope to receive. Healing, recovery, all of it, it all begins and ends with Him and in Him. All that I was is now clean in Him. All that I am is now rooted in Him. And all that I hope to be is now defined by Him. The utter confidence that I have in myself now is, oddly enough, nothing to do with me at all. It comes from knowing exactly who I am in Christ, what He's done for me and the fact that what God does will endure forever; it can never be taken from me.

I want to take this moment to celebrate the VICTORY of today! I’m still not all I should be, but I'm for damn sure not who I was! This is where “progress, not perfection” comes into play and makes all the difference, because I AM better! “All the struggle I thought was in vain, all the mistakes one life contained—all finally start to go away… I feel like I can face the day. And I can forgive. And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.” (From Staind's "So Far Away")

I’d also like to take this moment to thank every single person, friend or foe, who has spoken into my life. Prayed for me. Believed in me when I had no belief left in myself. Loved me. Had my back. Gotten in my face. Told me the truth even when it crushed me. Interceded for me with God. Fought for me. Supported and encouraged me, especially when I wanted to give up. Cried with me. Laughed with me (and sometimes AT me!). Been used by the Lord whether you knew it or not to show me, guide me, teach me… One of the biggest lessons is that you cannot do it alone. You just can't. If you could've fixed everything yourself, you'd have already done it. That's why we need friends, people who will form a hedge around us, hold us accountable and help us get to where we need to go. So thank you to every single person who played a part in where I am today... I love you all, whether you are active in my life today or not… you know who you are…


Last but certainly not least, I want to thank Jesus Christ, because without Him none of this would be possible nor would it be of any value. He is the key to it all. I hate that statement offends some people and puts them off to the help they so desperately need, but it is what it is. I've heard people say, "Don't hide behind scripture." I hear ya. But let me clue you in on a little piece of truth: there is no such thing as "hiding behind scripture." It's virtually impossible. Why? Because the Word of God strips away all lies and brings darkness into light, leaving everyone naked and with no place left to hide. However, if one could hide then there is no better place in the universe or all of eternity to do it than behind Jesus Christ. End of story. 


"You are only as sick as your secrets." Thankfully, I have none left! And that's where the freedom is! This journey started two years ago, with me trying to cover up all my mistakes. I got intentional about this journey a year ago, and dealt with all those mistakes, facing them, overcoming the fear of them and using that reality as a basis to determine who I want to be and why. It's been a bittersweet year, full of joy and pain, and it's funny how I ran from this my entire life, and now I wouldn't trade it. For anything.

So… one year has passed… what now?

Now I “press on.” I keep on keeping on. I keep on fighting the good fight. I keep my recovery first to make it last. I stick to the tools and principles I fought SO hard and SO long to learn. I continue to be diligent, vigilant and consistent. I keep Christ right where He is now—ever before me, so that I’m CONSCIOUS of Him at all times. I keep loving, forgiving, admitting, owning, striving for change and betterment, giving myself a break, making progress… I never give up doing something different. I stay on and in recovery because working this program is what got me to this place, and the quickest way to relapse and slip back into the insanity is to let up for even a minute.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus…” This is what I do! “Stay calm and carry on!” I also live out loud, in HD color and digital surround sound, with gratitude, bravery, humility and awareness. 

Plato said that “we can easily forgive a child for being afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” My entire life was spent in the dark, in fear of the light, avoiding truth and denying reality, running from my past. Today, my past has no hold on me whatsoever. NONE. I am FREE, baby! And I am no longer afraid. There is no high—chemical, emotional, mental, natural, whatever—NO high that feels as good as TRUE FREEDOM does. I can’t explain it… I try, I really do! But it’s something each person MUST experience for him or herself. Good luck and Godspeed with you on that journey, friends… it’ll be the most awesome trip you ever take.

Jesus saved my soul. Recovery saved my life. Now the rest of the story is still unwritten, and completely up to me in how it unfolds… “Feel the rain on your skin/ No one else can feel it for you/ Only you can let it in/ No one else can speak the words on your lips/ Drench yourself in words unspoken/ Live your life with arms wide open/ TODAY IS/ WHERE YOUR BOOK BEGINS/ THE REST IS STILL UNWRITTEN!” And the next year, and every year after that, isn't starting over... it's building on the foundation that Christ has secured in me, and attacking life instead of letting it just happen, pressing ever onward til I become all He intended me to be. It's quite exciting, really!

So stay tuned! Y’all know me! I plan to keep it inner-estin! *wink* I trust every one of you to continue on with me, patting my back or kicking my ass, depending on what's called for. *smile* 

Now… onward… with a blank page before me, pen in my hand, ending unplanned by me but already known by Jesus! Here we go...

DAY ONE…




"You are living a brand new life that is continually learning more and more of what is right, and trying constantly to be more and more like Christ who created this new life within you." Colossians 3:10