Of all the songs I've heard lately, I think this one sums up best what it's like to go through recovery and the experience of having God change your mind, your heart and your life. It takes a while to realize that good things are actually happening, and until you've been at it for a while, there's still the fear that you may have gone too far, done too much, fallen too far past God's ability to forgive you or heal you.
This song is so beautifully written. It touches on both the fear of being damaged beyond repair and the fact that NO ONE is too far out of God's reach. And it's true what he sings about in the chorus: Once you REALLY see yourself as you REALLY are in GOD'S eyes, and know that you are a new creature, it changes everything.
Everything.
You are more than you ever knew or dreamed possible. When you've allowed yourself to be "remade" by the Lord, it is wonderful. Because it can never, ever, EVER be taken away from you.
Enjoy.
YOU ARE MORE
Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love."
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
++++++++++++
So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:16-17)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Magic Math
There's a saying you hear a lot in recovery: "Your best thinking got you here." Meaning, that our futile attempts at fixing our problems on our own put us flat on our backs and in more desperate need of help than ever before. "Best thinking" occurs when we decide that we know better than God, and choose to try and enforce our wills and our way. "Best thinking" is rooted in denial. Rather than accept that God's way is better, we try to change the rules.
But our way never works. If it did, there wouldn't be an issue, yeah? "Your best thinking got you here." We tend to think we know best. But recovery isn't about what we KNOW. It comes down to what we are willing to ACCEPT. When we put denial down and choose to accept truth in its totality, and live by it unaltered, we may still hurt or experience unpleasantness. Or we might not! Either way it's a win/win situation because it's REAL. It is through this process where we begin to experience true healing and see God's awesome power. The only way OUT is THROUGH.
Acceptance of... what, exactly? Jesus. Truth. Authenticity. Living honestly in every moment, even if that moment sucks. The fruit of the spirit starts blooming like mad in our lives when we do this. The first step is to ACCEPT that we are broken; that we are not in control; that our lives have become unmanageable and that we are powerless over our tendencies to do the wrong thing. Everyone has a 100% failure rate with "my way." Yet we kept doing it, hoping for a different result each time. That is the very definition of insanity, and the polar opposite of Lordship.
My own "best thinking" started years ago in a dreaded math class, resulting in a mindset and an approach to life that I now affectionately refer to as "Magic Math." I hated math when I was in school. It was harder for me than the other subjects. Teachers would go over the problem: 2 + 2 = 4. Aight, cool. Got it. But it was still hard for me, and I quickly grew bored with things that I didn't understand or couldn't control. Eventually I grew bored with 4. I even copped an attitude with 4. I was sick and tired of 4! I looked around and decided 5 sounded good. I want 5! So I arbitrarily decided that the answer to 2 + 2 would heretofore be FIVE. ("Plaintiff wins!" ::bangs gavel:: "Court is adjourned.")
Next test: 2 + 2 = 5.
Next grade: F!
As if this wasn't already stupid enough, I had the audacity to actually get mad about my grade! The teacher patiently (VERY patiently, now that I think about it) explained that 2 + 2 = 4, and that if I answered 5 I'd fail. But did I learn my lesson? Nope. (What would be the fun in that?!) Instead I kept at my Magic Math. But alas, every time I put 5 down as the answer for 2 + 2, I failed. I'd get mad every time, and I'd get the same response: "The answer to 2 +2 is 4 and it will always be 4. Math is EXACT; it has rules. Just because you don't like the answer doesn't mean you can just make it up or change it to your liking. Then it would cease to be MATH."
True story! (I only wish I was making this up.) Of course I knew that 2 + 2 = 4, I just didn't like it. Clearly I had issues with authority and rules... And if you think I had an attitude with 2 + 2, it got worse when I got to Algebra! Oddly enough, the same rules that apply in basic math apply in more advanced math, and until you accept and understand the basics, you can't do what follows. But I still continued to choose Magic Math.
This epic failure in education spilled over into every area of my life. The problem wasn't that I was stupid—clearly not since I could think through the process and come up with a plan (albeit a bad one). The problem was that I resisted the truth and refused to apply what I knew. The problem was with my CHOICES. I used Magic Math, even though it was wrong, didn't work and resulted in me failing time and time again. But instead of admitting I was wrong, I'd just try even harder at Magic Math! Each time I would study hard, work the problem, go over it with the teacher, think and meditate and evaluate, come up with all these "really good reasons" why 2 + 2 should = 5. I would take the test and turn it in, convinced I just ACED IT! I show up next class proud as a peacock cuz JEN is a math GENIUS! Only my grades clearly demonstrated that "genius" wasn't the most accurate term for my math skills—or my life skills.
As if my failing grades weren't bad enough, my attitude about the whole thing got worse, too. I would be HACKED! And take it out on the teachers, like it was THEIR fault somehow. (Hmmm perhaps I owe a few teachers some amends...?) They'd go over it with me. Again. But I'd just do my Magic Math. Again. And get mad. At THEM. Again. Because somebody was to blame and it certainly couldn't be MY fault for answering 5 to 2 + 2!!!! (Translation: He's a jerk, she started it, I didn't know it would turn out like this... You see where I'm going here?)
One of the absolute worst feelings in the world is to convince yourself that "this time" is different and you are right, only to have everything turn out the same way it always has, despite all your good intentions. It leaves you confused and hopeless. GAH I hate that feeling, don't you? But that's what happens, every time, when you expect 2 + 2 to equal 5. Because it just doesn't! In addition, blaming everyone else for YOUR choices, and getting mad at God because He won't bend the rules for you, is as futile as trying to make 2 + 2 = anything but 4.
Here is what it took me 38 years to get: 2 + 2 = 4. Say it out loud with me: 2 + 2 = 4. Are you getting it? Say it again: 2 + 2 = 4. All together now! 2 + 2 = 4.
To give you an idea of what a stubborn mule I can be, 2 PLUS 2 STILL EQUALLED 4 during THREE SEMESTERS of remedial math in COLLEGE. (Oh yeah, I did! This from a girl with an IQ of 130! Proof that intelligence does NOT equal wisdom... and that college professors are far less forgiving and patient than high school teachers.)
Guess what else? 2 + 2 = 4.
Reminder: 2 + 2 = 4. Always. There is no exception to this, ever. There is no "I before E except after C" rule and no loopholes in the fine print. Whether we like it or not, 2 + 2 = 4. Period. End of story, closed discussion, no take-backs, no crossing your fingers, pencils-down-the-test-is-over. There is no getting around it, under it or through it. 2 + 2 = 4 in spite of how special, privileged or connected you might be. Even if you are deeply offended, 2 + 2 = 4. Your circumstances, your past and your beliefs are irrelevant: 2 + 2 = 4. It's a free country, and you may strongly oppose and vehemently argue for how an exception should be made, and it will not change the fact that 2 + 2 = 4.
Hey, by the way, in case you didn't hear me: 2 + 2 = 4.
POP QUIZ: 2 + 2 = ____? (Is that FOUR, you say? Are you sure...? Is that your Final Answer?) Yep, 2 + 2 = 4, and it will continue to equal 4, every time and for all of eternity. 2 + 2 will NEVER equal 5 or anything else except 4. If the problem is 2 + 2 and you want 5, let me clue you in: that ain't gonna happen with 2 + 2, so you best get prepared for 4.
My point: Math ain't magic. Neither is life! You cannot do the same problem over and over again if you want a different answer, nor can you just change the answer to one you like. THE ONLY WAY to get a different answer is to CHANGE THE EQUATION. 2 + 2 will NEVER be 5... unless... YOU ADD 1!!! See? Now that you've accepted the truth of of 2 + 2, you've done something different. Ergo, NOW you will get a different result. BECAUSE YOU CHANGED THE EQUATION.
You can deny the truth that 2 + 2 = 4, but it won't make it any less true. Truth, like math, is innately unchangeable. It can't be manipulated, tweaked, spun, changed or altered. It is what it is... And if you DO change it in some way, then the premise or idea you were operating under is no longer true. Meaning, if your answer is 5, then whatever equation you worked, you can rest assured that it was NOT 2 + 2.
One more time: 2 + 2 = 4.
Was all that annoying enough for you? Because we can go over it again... (Just kidding.) As annoyed as you are at this moment, imagine how it must have been for ME as I LIVED IT! Imagine how it was for the teacher, who knew the answer and had invested so much time in explaining it, yet had to watch in helpless frustration as a girl with so much intelligence and potential failed repeatedly—not because she didn't KNOW the answer, but because she wouldn't ACCEPT it. (After all, they couldn't take the test for me or MAKE me answer correctly.) Now, if you think it couldn't possibly get MORE annoying, just imagine if I was STILL fighting for 5 as the answer. Worst of all, imagine how it is for the Lord, who loves each and every one of us that He never gives up on us, no matter how many times we deny Him, the ultimate and eternal truth. Or perhaps you don't have to imagine at all because you have your own brand of Magic Math or "best thinking."
Just as 2 + 2 = 4, Knowledge + Application = Wisdom. Wisdom is merely knowledge applied. A person can possess a wealth of knowledge, they can have a genius IQ, but that doesn't make them wise. Speaking from experience, I was one of the dumbest smart people you'll ever come across. You can be the smartest person in the room and you can know everything. But until you actually USE WHAT YOU KNOW and APPLY IT to your life, you are as dumb as anyone else. If that weren't true, then not one of us would ever know a really smart person who's life was a wreck. In addition, it is ONLY through the process of acquiring wisdom that we truly come to know God, which in turn benefits not only ourselves but everyone around us.
Consider, for instance, how different our daily lives are today than, say, a century ago. Why? Because people applied what they knew. As a society, we are constantly seeking answers and pursuing meaning. Our curious natures drive us to ask "Why?" and "How?" We dream of possibilities. Art, science, exploration and discovery all originate with the need to find answers to these questions. Every invention began with a single individual who had an idea trying to solve a problem or express creativity, and in the process gained knowledge and discovered truths that had to be applied for those ideas to become a tangible reality. Without application, those ideas would have remained mere thoughts in one person's mind. But the process of applying what they knew had a real-life effect, both on them and those around them. I don't think anyone would deny that electricity, for example, or running water, cures and treatments for diseases or even the Internet, haven't had a significant impact on our lives. Surely no one would deny that Facebook has changed history. Alexander Graham Bell, for instance, didn't say, "Well golly gee, isn't that nice to know and wouldn't that be neat?" Einstein didn't say, "Hmmm... I wonder if..." and then sit on his batonkus and wonder some more about it. These two men changed history, as did countless other men and women.
Of course I am dramatically oversimplifying here to make a point. My "best thinking" resulted in Magic Math, which resulted in failing grades and then a failing life. Even in the moments when I knew I was wrong, I refused to apply that and piled on with the denial. It was all an unnecessary and futile pursuit, especially when in the end, I had to accept the truth anyway. After exhausting ALL avenues (and I do mean ALL of them!), God was all I had left! I hate that it took me so long to accept what it was ridiculous and counterproductive to resist in the first place. God has SO MUCH MORE for us when we stop going to Him as a Hail Mary pass in the final seconds of the fourth quarter. When we forego the Magic Math mindset, and choose to accept truth and apply what we know, it has an impact on our lives that is ETERNALLY significant. That's much more beneficial than things like electricity, the telephone (and yes, even Facebook!) will ever be.
Magic Math is worthless. Our best thinking is worthless. Only a life connected to God really matters. Once you know the truth, you have to apply that truth. USE it or LOSE it. I'm sure in reading this you were like, OK OK I get it already! But do you really? It's not enough to just KNOW it! If you GET IT then you will LIVE IT.
But our way never works. If it did, there wouldn't be an issue, yeah? "Your best thinking got you here." We tend to think we know best. But recovery isn't about what we KNOW. It comes down to what we are willing to ACCEPT. When we put denial down and choose to accept truth in its totality, and live by it unaltered, we may still hurt or experience unpleasantness. Or we might not! Either way it's a win/win situation because it's REAL. It is through this process where we begin to experience true healing and see God's awesome power. The only way OUT is THROUGH.
Acceptance of... what, exactly? Jesus. Truth. Authenticity. Living honestly in every moment, even if that moment sucks. The fruit of the spirit starts blooming like mad in our lives when we do this. The first step is to ACCEPT that we are broken; that we are not in control; that our lives have become unmanageable and that we are powerless over our tendencies to do the wrong thing. Everyone has a 100% failure rate with "my way." Yet we kept doing it, hoping for a different result each time. That is the very definition of insanity, and the polar opposite of Lordship.
My own "best thinking" started years ago in a dreaded math class, resulting in a mindset and an approach to life that I now affectionately refer to as "Magic Math." I hated math when I was in school. It was harder for me than the other subjects. Teachers would go over the problem: 2 + 2 = 4. Aight, cool. Got it. But it was still hard for me, and I quickly grew bored with things that I didn't understand or couldn't control. Eventually I grew bored with 4. I even copped an attitude with 4. I was sick and tired of 4! I looked around and decided 5 sounded good. I want 5! So I arbitrarily decided that the answer to 2 + 2 would heretofore be FIVE. ("Plaintiff wins!" ::bangs gavel:: "Court is adjourned.")
Next test: 2 + 2 = 5.
Next grade: F!
As if this wasn't already stupid enough, I had the audacity to actually get mad about my grade! The teacher patiently (VERY patiently, now that I think about it) explained that 2 + 2 = 4, and that if I answered 5 I'd fail. But did I learn my lesson? Nope. (What would be the fun in that?!) Instead I kept at my Magic Math. But alas, every time I put 5 down as the answer for 2 + 2, I failed. I'd get mad every time, and I'd get the same response: "The answer to 2 +2 is 4 and it will always be 4. Math is EXACT; it has rules. Just because you don't like the answer doesn't mean you can just make it up or change it to your liking. Then it would cease to be MATH."
True story! (I only wish I was making this up.) Of course I knew that 2 + 2 = 4, I just didn't like it. Clearly I had issues with authority and rules... And if you think I had an attitude with 2 + 2, it got worse when I got to Algebra! Oddly enough, the same rules that apply in basic math apply in more advanced math, and until you accept and understand the basics, you can't do what follows. But I still continued to choose Magic Math.
This epic failure in education spilled over into every area of my life. The problem wasn't that I was stupid—clearly not since I could think through the process and come up with a plan (albeit a bad one). The problem was that I resisted the truth and refused to apply what I knew. The problem was with my CHOICES. I used Magic Math, even though it was wrong, didn't work and resulted in me failing time and time again. But instead of admitting I was wrong, I'd just try even harder at Magic Math! Each time I would study hard, work the problem, go over it with the teacher, think and meditate and evaluate, come up with all these "really good reasons" why 2 + 2 should = 5. I would take the test and turn it in, convinced I just ACED IT! I show up next class proud as a peacock cuz JEN is a math GENIUS! Only my grades clearly demonstrated that "genius" wasn't the most accurate term for my math skills—or my life skills.
As if my failing grades weren't bad enough, my attitude about the whole thing got worse, too. I would be HACKED! And take it out on the teachers, like it was THEIR fault somehow. (Hmmm perhaps I owe a few teachers some amends...?) They'd go over it with me. Again. But I'd just do my Magic Math. Again. And get mad. At THEM. Again. Because somebody was to blame and it certainly couldn't be MY fault for answering 5 to 2 + 2!!!! (Translation: He's a jerk, she started it, I didn't know it would turn out like this... You see where I'm going here?)
One of the absolute worst feelings in the world is to convince yourself that "this time" is different and you are right, only to have everything turn out the same way it always has, despite all your good intentions. It leaves you confused and hopeless. GAH I hate that feeling, don't you? But that's what happens, every time, when you expect 2 + 2 to equal 5. Because it just doesn't! In addition, blaming everyone else for YOUR choices, and getting mad at God because He won't bend the rules for you, is as futile as trying to make 2 + 2 = anything but 4.
Here is what it took me 38 years to get: 2 + 2 = 4. Say it out loud with me: 2 + 2 = 4. Are you getting it? Say it again: 2 + 2 = 4. All together now! 2 + 2 = 4.
To give you an idea of what a stubborn mule I can be, 2 PLUS 2 STILL EQUALLED 4 during THREE SEMESTERS of remedial math in COLLEGE. (Oh yeah, I did! This from a girl with an IQ of 130! Proof that intelligence does NOT equal wisdom... and that college professors are far less forgiving and patient than high school teachers.)
Guess what else? 2 + 2 = 4.
Reminder: 2 + 2 = 4. Always. There is no exception to this, ever. There is no "I before E except after C" rule and no loopholes in the fine print. Whether we like it or not, 2 + 2 = 4. Period. End of story, closed discussion, no take-backs, no crossing your fingers, pencils-down-the-test-is-over. There is no getting around it, under it or through it. 2 + 2 = 4 in spite of how special, privileged or connected you might be. Even if you are deeply offended, 2 + 2 = 4. Your circumstances, your past and your beliefs are irrelevant: 2 + 2 = 4. It's a free country, and you may strongly oppose and vehemently argue for how an exception should be made, and it will not change the fact that 2 + 2 = 4.
Hey, by the way, in case you didn't hear me: 2 + 2 = 4.
POP QUIZ: 2 + 2 = ____? (Is that FOUR, you say? Are you sure...? Is that your Final Answer?) Yep, 2 + 2 = 4, and it will continue to equal 4, every time and for all of eternity. 2 + 2 will NEVER equal 5 or anything else except 4. If the problem is 2 + 2 and you want 5, let me clue you in: that ain't gonna happen with 2 + 2, so you best get prepared for 4.
My point: Math ain't magic. Neither is life! You cannot do the same problem over and over again if you want a different answer, nor can you just change the answer to one you like. THE ONLY WAY to get a different answer is to CHANGE THE EQUATION. 2 + 2 will NEVER be 5... unless... YOU ADD 1!!! See? Now that you've accepted the truth of of 2 + 2, you've done something different. Ergo, NOW you will get a different result. BECAUSE YOU CHANGED THE EQUATION.
You can deny the truth that 2 + 2 = 4, but it won't make it any less true. Truth, like math, is innately unchangeable. It can't be manipulated, tweaked, spun, changed or altered. It is what it is... And if you DO change it in some way, then the premise or idea you were operating under is no longer true. Meaning, if your answer is 5, then whatever equation you worked, you can rest assured that it was NOT 2 + 2.
One more time: 2 + 2 = 4.
Was all that annoying enough for you? Because we can go over it again... (Just kidding.) As annoyed as you are at this moment, imagine how it must have been for ME as I LIVED IT! Imagine how it was for the teacher, who knew the answer and had invested so much time in explaining it, yet had to watch in helpless frustration as a girl with so much intelligence and potential failed repeatedly—not because she didn't KNOW the answer, but because she wouldn't ACCEPT it. (After all, they couldn't take the test for me or MAKE me answer correctly.) Now, if you think it couldn't possibly get MORE annoying, just imagine if I was STILL fighting for 5 as the answer. Worst of all, imagine how it is for the Lord, who loves each and every one of us that He never gives up on us, no matter how many times we deny Him, the ultimate and eternal truth. Or perhaps you don't have to imagine at all because you have your own brand of Magic Math or "best thinking."
Just as 2 + 2 = 4, Knowledge + Application = Wisdom. Wisdom is merely knowledge applied. A person can possess a wealth of knowledge, they can have a genius IQ, but that doesn't make them wise. Speaking from experience, I was one of the dumbest smart people you'll ever come across. You can be the smartest person in the room and you can know everything. But until you actually USE WHAT YOU KNOW and APPLY IT to your life, you are as dumb as anyone else. If that weren't true, then not one of us would ever know a really smart person who's life was a wreck. In addition, it is ONLY through the process of acquiring wisdom that we truly come to know God, which in turn benefits not only ourselves but everyone around us.
Consider, for instance, how different our daily lives are today than, say, a century ago. Why? Because people applied what they knew. As a society, we are constantly seeking answers and pursuing meaning. Our curious natures drive us to ask "Why?" and "How?" We dream of possibilities. Art, science, exploration and discovery all originate with the need to find answers to these questions. Every invention began with a single individual who had an idea trying to solve a problem or express creativity, and in the process gained knowledge and discovered truths that had to be applied for those ideas to become a tangible reality. Without application, those ideas would have remained mere thoughts in one person's mind. But the process of applying what they knew had a real-life effect, both on them and those around them. I don't think anyone would deny that electricity, for example, or running water, cures and treatments for diseases or even the Internet, haven't had a significant impact on our lives. Surely no one would deny that Facebook has changed history. Alexander Graham Bell, for instance, didn't say, "Well golly gee, isn't that nice to know and wouldn't that be neat?" Einstein didn't say, "Hmmm... I wonder if..." and then sit on his batonkus and wonder some more about it. These two men changed history, as did countless other men and women.
Of course I am dramatically oversimplifying here to make a point. My "best thinking" resulted in Magic Math, which resulted in failing grades and then a failing life. Even in the moments when I knew I was wrong, I refused to apply that and piled on with the denial. It was all an unnecessary and futile pursuit, especially when in the end, I had to accept the truth anyway. After exhausting ALL avenues (and I do mean ALL of them!), God was all I had left! I hate that it took me so long to accept what it was ridiculous and counterproductive to resist in the first place. God has SO MUCH MORE for us when we stop going to Him as a Hail Mary pass in the final seconds of the fourth quarter. When we forego the Magic Math mindset, and choose to accept truth and apply what we know, it has an impact on our lives that is ETERNALLY significant. That's much more beneficial than things like electricity, the telephone (and yes, even Facebook!) will ever be.
Magic Math is worthless. Our best thinking is worthless. Only a life connected to God really matters. Once you know the truth, you have to apply that truth. USE it or LOSE it. I'm sure in reading this you were like, OK OK I get it already! But do you really? It's not enough to just KNOW it! If you GET IT then you will LIVE IT.
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Easy Does It" (part 2)
In my first blog post earlier today by this title, I talked about how hard it was for me in my first year of recovery because I let the guilt over past mistakes and my fears about accepting who I really was push me in a kind of urgency to "fix it" as quickly as possible, rather than giving it over to God and letting Him lead me the way He saw fit. I discussed my shock at the fact that I hit rock bottom in my recovery as God removed the final excuses and justifications I'd used as "plausible" reasons for my behavior and mindset in the past. I stated how, once I stopped trying to do recovery my way and relaxed into simply trusting God and obeying Him instead, "easy does it" became more palatable to me.
I'm now 3 and a half years into recovery, and I'm finding that I feel a new kind of fear, resulting in a new resistance to "easy does it." I've identified this through my journaling, which I'm still doing pretty faithfully. (If you aren't already, journaling is the most excellent weapon you have in your recovery arsenal to record your progress or lack thereof and identify areas on which you need to work.) I've noticed recently that I have developed a bit of fear and anxiety—or perhaps it was there all along…? I am still processing it, but I think the anxiety is coming from an underlying fear that if I have to revisit something that maybe I never really got it to begin with, or that I've somehow lost ground already gained. But since I know this isn't true, I'm declaring war on Satan and going to God with it.
They tell you at the beginning of recovery that it's a lifelong journey; that once you achieve a state of well-being and healing, the only way to keep it is maintenance—to keep on keeping on. Two of the ways to keep your finger on the true pulse of where you are and how you are doing is journaling and doing a daily inventory. This keeps an open channel of honest communication between you and God, and it's a good way to keep your memory accurate as well… especially when the tendency is to remember things the way you want to remember them rather than as they actually happened.
I know all this, but clearly need to re-learn it. Because once you do "get well" and you have reached a point where you are free from your past and the ghosts are laid to rest, it's easy to become complacent, or to inadvertently let your guard down because you "already know that." It's especially hard when you have been walking a path for a long enough period of time that it becomes harder to remember how it used to be since you are no longer directly exposed to those things on a daily basis. When you are in some way exposed to it again—which WILL happen since that's just how life works—I think we can easily become afraid that ghosts will be resurrected or come back to haunt us somehow. Yet this is "stinking thinking" because the power of God is absolute and eternal. We can't be robbed of our victories, but we can give them away if we choose to, and unless we keep our eyes focused on Christ, this will be easy to do. No one wants to or likes having to revisit lessons they've already learned, but sometimes it may be necessary. I'm uncertain why this is difficult for me, since the Bible says that yesterday's grace is not sufficient for today; we are to renew our hearts and minds with Him every day.
My journal entries and recorded prayers have opened my eyes to the fact that I seem to have become hyper-sensitive to certain criticisms coming from two of my closest people. The victory here is that I DO see it and own it, and I know now that I don't have to fight them on what they are saying since I know they are loyal and have my back. However, I still feel defensive and am pretty quick to explain away, running my mouth when I should be listening instead. I need to remember that recovery takes time, for both the person in it and those affected by it. Everyone in recovery needs to show grace to those with whom they've established a track record of bad choices and behavior. It will take them some time to buy into the "new you," and the more you have hurt or disappointed a certain person, the longer it may take. Time will either promote you or expose you. So there's no need to try and convince someone you are different. Just keep on doing what you've been doing, let God's healing and transformation continue to take place, and they will see for themselves. You won't have to say it because you'll be doing it.
I'm sharing this with you, my dear readers, because there are serious misconceptions in today's world about the true nature of the Christian life and what it really means to claim Jesus as your Lord and Savior. If you are one of those people who think that Christians don't struggle, or don't have troubles and worries, or that we aren't as fallible as those who don't adhere to the Christian worldview, then you are truly mistaken. It's not all your fault, though, as I believe that there are far too many "Christians" who always answer "Fine!" to the question, "How are you?" because they think they are somehow sinning or wrong simply because they are having a hard time. This is WRONG! When did it become unacceptable for those of us who claim Jesus to make mistakes, struggle with life or just have a bad day?
Don't misunderstand me here. I am overjoyed every time I hear someone share a story full of sugar, sunshine and roses. Praise God for every single blessing and victory! However, real life isn't a neat little play with pretty sets, scripted lines and closure for every conflict. Real life is messy. People are messy! There are loose ends, unfinished business, overcast days. So while I appreciate those songs sung from the choir loft full of joy and hope, I'm much more interested and learn so much more when I hear the details behind how he or she actually got there.
No one magically wakes up one day to a peachy keen life. There were days, weeks, months, even years, of struggle, indecision, confusion, guilt, mistakes, missteps and pain. THAT is what I want to hear. Tell me your victories, yes! Preach on! But all of us who claim to love Jesus do others and ourselves a disservice when we go on and on about the silver linings and leave out the part about the clouds. Why? Because no one really changes unless they HAVE TO. Unfortunately, part of the human condition is that we tend not to learn or make a move until it HURTS SO BAD that we have to! Logically, this means we learn so much more from defeat than we do victory.
Plus, the true power and nature of Christ is revealed in the circumstances in which He developed our character. Even Paul, the greatest missionary and herald of Christ who ever lived, talked about this. In 2 Corinthians 9, he states: "… Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Did you get that? God says "My power is made perfect in weakness." Paul didn't say, oh, everything is fine. He shared honestly instead, saying, hey I have a thorn and it's bugging me and it scares me but God says I can handle it so I am gonna take him at his word and believe it and KNOW that I can! What this tells me is that perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong. Again, no one likes having to revisit things when they "already know that." However, perhaps what FEELS like retracing old steps to me isn't really old ground already covered at all. Maybe God trying to say, "No, darlin', this is a brand new lesson. You don't have to be afraid! I'm trying to exhibit My power through you in a new way."
So I suppose that no matter how long one is in recovery and no matter how far you've come, there will always be a new way in which God can grow you. "Easy does it" is as applicable now as it was then! He can only reveal these opportunities for growth to us by shining light on a weakness. Rather than taking that with fear, I choose today instead to see it for the opportunity it really is—a chance for God to make His power PERFECT in me. I also choose today to share honestly with you and with others instead of sugar coating it as if I never struggle anymore.
Because I do. And thank the Lord for this, since there is honor in the struggle. What's more, it's only in the struggle that I can find any true victory.
Dear Lord, I pray that my honesty about things helps someone today who may be having a hard time telling it like it is. I pray that person will stop saying, "I'm fine." I pray they will instead recognize that You love them, that they are never more safe than with You, and that they will first be honest with You and then with the person that You put in their path to help them along their journey. I pray that we all will stop pretending all is well in the moments when we need to reach out, and that as we become more open to weaknesses in our lives that we will remember "easy does it" means we can fully trust You to take us, one step at a time, through these things, instead of rushing through it and missing the point entirely. Thank You for what You are doing through me and in me personally, and I pray that I will glean every single thing that You want me to. Thank You for making us strong and Your power perfect in the places where we feel the most vulnerable. That is so brilliant! Amen.
I'm now 3 and a half years into recovery, and I'm finding that I feel a new kind of fear, resulting in a new resistance to "easy does it." I've identified this through my journaling, which I'm still doing pretty faithfully. (If you aren't already, journaling is the most excellent weapon you have in your recovery arsenal to record your progress or lack thereof and identify areas on which you need to work.) I've noticed recently that I have developed a bit of fear and anxiety—or perhaps it was there all along…? I am still processing it, but I think the anxiety is coming from an underlying fear that if I have to revisit something that maybe I never really got it to begin with, or that I've somehow lost ground already gained. But since I know this isn't true, I'm declaring war on Satan and going to God with it.
They tell you at the beginning of recovery that it's a lifelong journey; that once you achieve a state of well-being and healing, the only way to keep it is maintenance—to keep on keeping on. Two of the ways to keep your finger on the true pulse of where you are and how you are doing is journaling and doing a daily inventory. This keeps an open channel of honest communication between you and God, and it's a good way to keep your memory accurate as well… especially when the tendency is to remember things the way you want to remember them rather than as they actually happened.
I know all this, but clearly need to re-learn it. Because once you do "get well" and you have reached a point where you are free from your past and the ghosts are laid to rest, it's easy to become complacent, or to inadvertently let your guard down because you "already know that." It's especially hard when you have been walking a path for a long enough period of time that it becomes harder to remember how it used to be since you are no longer directly exposed to those things on a daily basis. When you are in some way exposed to it again—which WILL happen since that's just how life works—I think we can easily become afraid that ghosts will be resurrected or come back to haunt us somehow. Yet this is "stinking thinking" because the power of God is absolute and eternal. We can't be robbed of our victories, but we can give them away if we choose to, and unless we keep our eyes focused on Christ, this will be easy to do. No one wants to or likes having to revisit lessons they've already learned, but sometimes it may be necessary. I'm uncertain why this is difficult for me, since the Bible says that yesterday's grace is not sufficient for today; we are to renew our hearts and minds with Him every day.
My journal entries and recorded prayers have opened my eyes to the fact that I seem to have become hyper-sensitive to certain criticisms coming from two of my closest people. The victory here is that I DO see it and own it, and I know now that I don't have to fight them on what they are saying since I know they are loyal and have my back. However, I still feel defensive and am pretty quick to explain away, running my mouth when I should be listening instead. I need to remember that recovery takes time, for both the person in it and those affected by it. Everyone in recovery needs to show grace to those with whom they've established a track record of bad choices and behavior. It will take them some time to buy into the "new you," and the more you have hurt or disappointed a certain person, the longer it may take. Time will either promote you or expose you. So there's no need to try and convince someone you are different. Just keep on doing what you've been doing, let God's healing and transformation continue to take place, and they will see for themselves. You won't have to say it because you'll be doing it.
I'm sharing this with you, my dear readers, because there are serious misconceptions in today's world about the true nature of the Christian life and what it really means to claim Jesus as your Lord and Savior. If you are one of those people who think that Christians don't struggle, or don't have troubles and worries, or that we aren't as fallible as those who don't adhere to the Christian worldview, then you are truly mistaken. It's not all your fault, though, as I believe that there are far too many "Christians" who always answer "Fine!" to the question, "How are you?" because they think they are somehow sinning or wrong simply because they are having a hard time. This is WRONG! When did it become unacceptable for those of us who claim Jesus to make mistakes, struggle with life or just have a bad day?
Don't misunderstand me here. I am overjoyed every time I hear someone share a story full of sugar, sunshine and roses. Praise God for every single blessing and victory! However, real life isn't a neat little play with pretty sets, scripted lines and closure for every conflict. Real life is messy. People are messy! There are loose ends, unfinished business, overcast days. So while I appreciate those songs sung from the choir loft full of joy and hope, I'm much more interested and learn so much more when I hear the details behind how he or she actually got there.
No one magically wakes up one day to a peachy keen life. There were days, weeks, months, even years, of struggle, indecision, confusion, guilt, mistakes, missteps and pain. THAT is what I want to hear. Tell me your victories, yes! Preach on! But all of us who claim to love Jesus do others and ourselves a disservice when we go on and on about the silver linings and leave out the part about the clouds. Why? Because no one really changes unless they HAVE TO. Unfortunately, part of the human condition is that we tend not to learn or make a move until it HURTS SO BAD that we have to! Logically, this means we learn so much more from defeat than we do victory.
Plus, the true power and nature of Christ is revealed in the circumstances in which He developed our character. Even Paul, the greatest missionary and herald of Christ who ever lived, talked about this. In 2 Corinthians 9, he states: "… Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Did you get that? God says "My power is made perfect in weakness." Paul didn't say, oh, everything is fine. He shared honestly instead, saying, hey I have a thorn and it's bugging me and it scares me but God says I can handle it so I am gonna take him at his word and believe it and KNOW that I can! What this tells me is that perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong. Again, no one likes having to revisit things when they "already know that." However, perhaps what FEELS like retracing old steps to me isn't really old ground already covered at all. Maybe God trying to say, "No, darlin', this is a brand new lesson. You don't have to be afraid! I'm trying to exhibit My power through you in a new way."
So I suppose that no matter how long one is in recovery and no matter how far you've come, there will always be a new way in which God can grow you. "Easy does it" is as applicable now as it was then! He can only reveal these opportunities for growth to us by shining light on a weakness. Rather than taking that with fear, I choose today instead to see it for the opportunity it really is—a chance for God to make His power PERFECT in me. I also choose today to share honestly with you and with others instead of sugar coating it as if I never struggle anymore.
Because I do. And thank the Lord for this, since there is honor in the struggle. What's more, it's only in the struggle that I can find any true victory.
Dear Lord, I pray that my honesty about things helps someone today who may be having a hard time telling it like it is. I pray that person will stop saying, "I'm fine." I pray they will instead recognize that You love them, that they are never more safe than with You, and that they will first be honest with You and then with the person that You put in their path to help them along their journey. I pray that we all will stop pretending all is well in the moments when we need to reach out, and that as we become more open to weaknesses in our lives that we will remember "easy does it" means we can fully trust You to take us, one step at a time, through these things, instead of rushing through it and missing the point entirely. Thank You for what You are doing through me and in me personally, and I pray that I will glean every single thing that You want me to. Thank You for making us strong and Your power perfect in the places where we feel the most vulnerable. That is so brilliant! Amen.
"Easy Does It"
The first year I was in CR, I was committed to changing and to doing whatever it took to heal the wounds in my life that put me in recovery in the first place. However, I had some things to learn about process.
I was an utter failure my first year in recovery because while I really wanted, for the first time in my life, to truly get better, I was doing it wrong. Again. Yes, I was doing the steps, but I was attempting to do them as quickly as possible, in my own strength, and it was all out of order. With my usual extremism, I jumped into recovery like a kid jumping into the deep end of the pool with no floaties on and no life guard on duty. Looking back, I can see that I was totally overwhelmed with all the bad things I had avoided looking at for so long. I had been running from the truth my entire life, never looking in the mirror for fear of what I might see looking back at me. I was in complete denial about who I really was, and as a result, I was quite delusional. When I began to accept the truth from God's perspective, and really see myself the way He saw me, I didn't like it one bit! I'd been telling myself what a good person I was for so long and doing it so well that I had started to believe my own hype. (Not a good idea, ya know? Don't believe everything you think!)
Since the biggest lies we hear are usually the ones we tell ourselves, I'd told myself some doozies just to sleep better at night. So when I put the denial down and the proverbial gloves came off, and I was standing there with no excuses or justifications to hide behind, well… I must admit I wigged out a little bit. As the full truth of my life and my true self outside of Christ crashed over me like a tidal wave, I felt SO bad and I was scared! I got antsy about "fixing it." If all this yucky stuff was really true about me, then I had a TON of work to do and I had no clue where to start. I kept hearing "easy does it" in recovery but I didn't understand… How could I possibly chill out when there was so much work to be done?
We all know that change is a process and that no one can live a certain way for decades of his or her life and then expect to turn it all around overnight. Yet this is exactly what I tried to do at first. As I review that first year, it's quite comical to me now to see how I tried to do with recovery what I'd done with everything else in my life. I was, once again, trying to do it my way, even though the mere fact that I was in recovery should have been a giant clue that my way doesn't work. Thank goodness Jesus has a highly-developed sense of humor! Anyone who doesn't think God can take a joke isn't looking hard enough. I'm sure He got quite a kick watching me run around, playing hopscotch with the steps and doing what felt right to me. I'm actually laughing out loud right now as I write this because it really is funny on this side of it, knowing what I know now. Like so many who are rookies in recovery, I let the guilt over my mistakes overtake me. I jumped right to amends, as so many do. Which is why it all went to hell in a handbasket, and quick! Snowballs falling in the desert last longer than my lame attempt at changing according to what I thought was best!
An entire year of this ridiculous routine passed before I hit bottom again (and thank the Lord that He only let it go for a year this time, yeah?) and I had to re-evaluate things. I mean, how embarrassing! It's one thing to be living like an idiot and hit rock bottom. But to hit bottom in recovery? Really?!? How is that even possible?!? (Well, YEAH, really, and it's VERY possible, as I learned the hard way.) But that was one of the clearest lessons that stand out to me now from that first year—recovery is about SURRENDER, not survival.
Success in life is totally and completely, 150 percent and then some, based on how you think. Even when you believe you are reacting based on emotion, you are really going off of how you think about how you feel rather than your feelings. (I know, sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?) But just chew on that for a second… When we knee-jerk react, we can't even always give a good reason why until we think about it. Only after meditating and mulling over it can we even identify by name what our feelings were. And that is when we start to make excuses and rewrite history because evaluating why we did something usually doesn't say anything good about us.
At the end of the day, we all ultimately do what we WANT to do. It doesn't matter if it is a good thing or a bad thing—said action was what you WANTED to do. Why? Because you made a choice about how to act. In any given situation, you can choose to act from emotion or from a higher plane in spite of your emotion. Or you can choose to do nothing. Any way you slice it, though, you are still making a CHOICE. And that requires thought. It's a head thing, not a heart thing! Don't believe me? Then just think for a second about a time when you overreacted to something or were feeling very strongly and allowed that to dictate how you spoke or acted. (And don't even try to front here, ok? Because no one with a pulse can honestly say there's never been a time that they were aware of their mouth moving at the same time they were even more aware they should shut it.)
Ergo, the only true way to act differently is to change your wants, or how you feel. How do you do that, you ask? By effecting a true heart change, which can only be accomplished by CHANGING YOUR MIND.
The Bible says, "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." Personally, I wish God would have included a footnote after this verse that read: "INVASIVE SURGERY REQUIRED." My understanding of this verse was pretty benign compared to how I now understand it. Having your mind transformed is not some little scrape that you rinse off with peroxide and slap a bandaid on. Mind transformation is more like real-life brain surgery. It's painful, it takes time and Jesus Christ is the only real brain surgeon!
When you allow your mind to be transformed, you undergo a fundamental change in how you think, which affects how you feel and how you act. The more you open your heart and mind to Christ, over time you will start to notice that how you feel or what you want has changed. Why? Because you think differently than you used to. Unless you go through a mind transformation under the scalpel of Christ, your mind is BROKEN, which means your logic, your emotions and your instincts are all off kilter. So it's a mistake to go by so-called gut instinct or what "feels right" until you allow Him to change your mind. You'll know He's making progress with you when you start to notice that you are able to think more clearly and make better, wiser choices in spite of the feelings that would have dictated your actions in the past.
Having said all that, when I realized about a year into recovery that despite my efforts to change, things were still turning out the same, I sat down with the Lord and had a little meeting. I wanted to know what the problem was. He gently reminded me that doing things my way is what put me in this position in the first place. He pretty much said, relax, child, and let Me handle things. Through my quiet time with God and the accountability of my CR group, I was able to relax. "Easy does it" became more palatable to me as I decided to just start over at the beginning and work the steps, only I did it in order this time.
Amazing things occurred as a result. I'd been journaling, of course, so I was able to go back and make lists and notes as I moved along, and I could see how, when I put it all in the hands of Christ with a willing heart and obeyed Him when He prompted me to do something, things had a way of working themselves out.
I've said before and I'll say again: everything in our lives is ordained, and the steps of recovery (just like the Ten Commandments) are in order for a reason. God set the universe up with a certain order to things, and the principles of truth and obedience have consequences in direct proportion with our willingness or unwillingness to abide by them. When we go our way, even when we try to do right we fail. When we go HIS way, we succeed, even when things don't go like we planned or thought they should.
You might ask yourself now: In what ways are you trying to do right but going about it all wrong? Where are the areas where you need to surrender to His will? Furthermore, in what areas have you gained victory because you left it in His hands and obeyed Him instead of doing what you might always have done? How might you apply what you learned in those victories to the areas where you are seeing constant defeat?
Whatever the answers to these questions, just remember: easy does it.
I was an utter failure my first year in recovery because while I really wanted, for the first time in my life, to truly get better, I was doing it wrong. Again. Yes, I was doing the steps, but I was attempting to do them as quickly as possible, in my own strength, and it was all out of order. With my usual extremism, I jumped into recovery like a kid jumping into the deep end of the pool with no floaties on and no life guard on duty. Looking back, I can see that I was totally overwhelmed with all the bad things I had avoided looking at for so long. I had been running from the truth my entire life, never looking in the mirror for fear of what I might see looking back at me. I was in complete denial about who I really was, and as a result, I was quite delusional. When I began to accept the truth from God's perspective, and really see myself the way He saw me, I didn't like it one bit! I'd been telling myself what a good person I was for so long and doing it so well that I had started to believe my own hype. (Not a good idea, ya know? Don't believe everything you think!)
Since the biggest lies we hear are usually the ones we tell ourselves, I'd told myself some doozies just to sleep better at night. So when I put the denial down and the proverbial gloves came off, and I was standing there with no excuses or justifications to hide behind, well… I must admit I wigged out a little bit. As the full truth of my life and my true self outside of Christ crashed over me like a tidal wave, I felt SO bad and I was scared! I got antsy about "fixing it." If all this yucky stuff was really true about me, then I had a TON of work to do and I had no clue where to start. I kept hearing "easy does it" in recovery but I didn't understand… How could I possibly chill out when there was so much work to be done?
We all know that change is a process and that no one can live a certain way for decades of his or her life and then expect to turn it all around overnight. Yet this is exactly what I tried to do at first. As I review that first year, it's quite comical to me now to see how I tried to do with recovery what I'd done with everything else in my life. I was, once again, trying to do it my way, even though the mere fact that I was in recovery should have been a giant clue that my way doesn't work. Thank goodness Jesus has a highly-developed sense of humor! Anyone who doesn't think God can take a joke isn't looking hard enough. I'm sure He got quite a kick watching me run around, playing hopscotch with the steps and doing what felt right to me. I'm actually laughing out loud right now as I write this because it really is funny on this side of it, knowing what I know now. Like so many who are rookies in recovery, I let the guilt over my mistakes overtake me. I jumped right to amends, as so many do. Which is why it all went to hell in a handbasket, and quick! Snowballs falling in the desert last longer than my lame attempt at changing according to what I thought was best!
An entire year of this ridiculous routine passed before I hit bottom again (and thank the Lord that He only let it go for a year this time, yeah?) and I had to re-evaluate things. I mean, how embarrassing! It's one thing to be living like an idiot and hit rock bottom. But to hit bottom in recovery? Really?!? How is that even possible?!? (Well, YEAH, really, and it's VERY possible, as I learned the hard way.) But that was one of the clearest lessons that stand out to me now from that first year—recovery is about SURRENDER, not survival.
Success in life is totally and completely, 150 percent and then some, based on how you think. Even when you believe you are reacting based on emotion, you are really going off of how you think about how you feel rather than your feelings. (I know, sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?) But just chew on that for a second… When we knee-jerk react, we can't even always give a good reason why until we think about it. Only after meditating and mulling over it can we even identify by name what our feelings were. And that is when we start to make excuses and rewrite history because evaluating why we did something usually doesn't say anything good about us.
At the end of the day, we all ultimately do what we WANT to do. It doesn't matter if it is a good thing or a bad thing—said action was what you WANTED to do. Why? Because you made a choice about how to act. In any given situation, you can choose to act from emotion or from a higher plane in spite of your emotion. Or you can choose to do nothing. Any way you slice it, though, you are still making a CHOICE. And that requires thought. It's a head thing, not a heart thing! Don't believe me? Then just think for a second about a time when you overreacted to something or were feeling very strongly and allowed that to dictate how you spoke or acted. (And don't even try to front here, ok? Because no one with a pulse can honestly say there's never been a time that they were aware of their mouth moving at the same time they were even more aware they should shut it.)
Ergo, the only true way to act differently is to change your wants, or how you feel. How do you do that, you ask? By effecting a true heart change, which can only be accomplished by CHANGING YOUR MIND.
The Bible says, "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." Personally, I wish God would have included a footnote after this verse that read: "INVASIVE SURGERY REQUIRED." My understanding of this verse was pretty benign compared to how I now understand it. Having your mind transformed is not some little scrape that you rinse off with peroxide and slap a bandaid on. Mind transformation is more like real-life brain surgery. It's painful, it takes time and Jesus Christ is the only real brain surgeon!
When you allow your mind to be transformed, you undergo a fundamental change in how you think, which affects how you feel and how you act. The more you open your heart and mind to Christ, over time you will start to notice that how you feel or what you want has changed. Why? Because you think differently than you used to. Unless you go through a mind transformation under the scalpel of Christ, your mind is BROKEN, which means your logic, your emotions and your instincts are all off kilter. So it's a mistake to go by so-called gut instinct or what "feels right" until you allow Him to change your mind. You'll know He's making progress with you when you start to notice that you are able to think more clearly and make better, wiser choices in spite of the feelings that would have dictated your actions in the past.
Having said all that, when I realized about a year into recovery that despite my efforts to change, things were still turning out the same, I sat down with the Lord and had a little meeting. I wanted to know what the problem was. He gently reminded me that doing things my way is what put me in this position in the first place. He pretty much said, relax, child, and let Me handle things. Through my quiet time with God and the accountability of my CR group, I was able to relax. "Easy does it" became more palatable to me as I decided to just start over at the beginning and work the steps, only I did it in order this time.
Amazing things occurred as a result. I'd been journaling, of course, so I was able to go back and make lists and notes as I moved along, and I could see how, when I put it all in the hands of Christ with a willing heart and obeyed Him when He prompted me to do something, things had a way of working themselves out.
I've said before and I'll say again: everything in our lives is ordained, and the steps of recovery (just like the Ten Commandments) are in order for a reason. God set the universe up with a certain order to things, and the principles of truth and obedience have consequences in direct proportion with our willingness or unwillingness to abide by them. When we go our way, even when we try to do right we fail. When we go HIS way, we succeed, even when things don't go like we planned or thought they should.
You might ask yourself now: In what ways are you trying to do right but going about it all wrong? Where are the areas where you need to surrender to His will? Furthermore, in what areas have you gained victory because you left it in His hands and obeyed Him instead of doing what you might always have done? How might you apply what you learned in those victories to the areas where you are seeing constant defeat?
Whatever the answers to these questions, just remember: easy does it.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Humble Pie
Humility is so widely misunderstood by most people. In a world where "eating humble pie" is viewed as a bad thing, it's no wonder. My pastor says he's only found one correct definition for it that comes close to how the Bible presents it, and that definition is "down-to-earthness."
Humility is NOT being lowly, insignificant, servile, common. It's not thinking nothing of or wanting nothing for yourself. And most of all, true humility is never humiliating.
What Jesus treasures about true humility is that all pretense about who we really are is laid aside, and we admit and accept, in Christ, our true selves. True humility is always honest and authentic, almost disarmingly so. In fact, rather than a yuck-tasting pie to be shoved down our throats, true humility is empowering! Because as we lay down our false defenses and empty excuses, it brings out the best in us. It frees us up to stop pretending to be something or someone we aren't, and allows us to really just be who we are. The difference between self-esteem and self-absorption is humility.
Yet sometimes, instead of resting and trusting in our God-given identities, we get into a frenzy of caretaking and misguided philanthropy to make ourselves feel better and to look good in front of other people. As a result, we become caught in the trap of self-centeredness, trying to make ourselves the center of someone else's universe. We tell ourselves how Godly we are, and practically break our arms patting ourselves on the back for how we do so much for so-and-so and man, they should be so grateful. Others, who see our deeds but not our hearts or motivations, most likely say, wow, isn't he or she just so great. But in truth, we are never more in desperate need of Christ than in those moments. Because we aren't being Godly, we're being selfish. You can tell the difference if you start to feel resentful toward those for whom you are "doing so much," and secretly feel you are trapped in a cycle where you give and give but never receive.
Well it IS a trap. But it's almost always one of your own making. Getting trapped in giving your life away may have happened to you at some point in your life. You may be there right now. But STAYING there is a choice. It's something we do to ourselves. What's more, we trick ourselves into thinking we are so noble or "the bigger person" because of our actions or deeds. But it's really a supremely selfish way to live.
It's not that it's wrong to do for others. But when we define who we are by this type of mindset and do it outside the strength and boundaries of God, it all becomes warped. Because it's coming from the wrong place. Consider these words from Jesus in Mark 8:
"He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days, rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.
"But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. 'Get behind me, Satan!' he said. 'You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.' Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said:
"'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?'"
Points to ponder:
What negative things have you been told about yourself?
To what extent do you accept and own those things?
How do you rebel against those things?
What is it that you need from life and relationships that you aren't getting?
How is giving your life up to Jesus different from giving your life away to others?
How is being selfish different from simply being yourself?
True humility leads to a freedom and an authenticity that cannot be achieved any other way. Because it begins and ends with a total lack of any excuse, pretense or defense.
This is something I can explain to you, but I cannot understand it for you, because it must be experienced, personally, in Christ, or no matter how hard you try, you simply won't get it. True humility is impossible without Jesus. When you can say, unapologetically and without a trace of arrogance, "This is who I am, warts and all. Jesus has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself. I still have a lot of work to do, but thankfully He isn't done with me yet," and mean it with your entire being, then you are at the start of something incredible. Magical. Wonderful. Amazing. Mysterious. And AWESOME. You are not only ready, but completely willing, to know and say, "Yep. I'm an idiot. But God loves this idiot, and He can heal me." At that point, get ready, because He will do just that. That is real freedom.
Perhaps you are resisting what I'm saying. Or you don't completely buy it. Or maybe you are just afraid of being wrong. If this is you, it's ok. Don't fret! Consider this funny little piece by Susan L. Lenzkes:
Don't look now, Lord!
I don't want you to see me
standing here with my big foot
crammed in my mouth.
Don't worry, child!
If I didn't love you
just as much with your
foot in your mouth,
I'd hardly ever get a chance
to love you.
Jesus said, "What can a man give in exchange for his soul?" I'll close by giving you one more point to ponder:
What are you trying to exchange your soul for today?
Dear Lord, there are not enough ways to express how many different ways I can be an idiot. I am blessed and beyond grateful that You love me anyway and that I am now, and will continue to be, a work in progress until You come for me. I love you and it is my prayer that anyone reading this will hear Your voice, feel Your love and acceptance, and either come to know You for the first time or come to know You even better than before. Amen.
+++++++++
This blog was inspired by the message my pastor gave this last Sunday at church.
Humility is NOT being lowly, insignificant, servile, common. It's not thinking nothing of or wanting nothing for yourself. And most of all, true humility is never humiliating.
What Jesus treasures about true humility is that all pretense about who we really are is laid aside, and we admit and accept, in Christ, our true selves. True humility is always honest and authentic, almost disarmingly so. In fact, rather than a yuck-tasting pie to be shoved down our throats, true humility is empowering! Because as we lay down our false defenses and empty excuses, it brings out the best in us. It frees us up to stop pretending to be something or someone we aren't, and allows us to really just be who we are. The difference between self-esteem and self-absorption is humility.
Yet sometimes, instead of resting and trusting in our God-given identities, we get into a frenzy of caretaking and misguided philanthropy to make ourselves feel better and to look good in front of other people. As a result, we become caught in the trap of self-centeredness, trying to make ourselves the center of someone else's universe. We tell ourselves how Godly we are, and practically break our arms patting ourselves on the back for how we do so much for so-and-so and man, they should be so grateful. Others, who see our deeds but not our hearts or motivations, most likely say, wow, isn't he or she just so great. But in truth, we are never more in desperate need of Christ than in those moments. Because we aren't being Godly, we're being selfish. You can tell the difference if you start to feel resentful toward those for whom you are "doing so much," and secretly feel you are trapped in a cycle where you give and give but never receive.
Well it IS a trap. But it's almost always one of your own making. Getting trapped in giving your life away may have happened to you at some point in your life. You may be there right now. But STAYING there is a choice. It's something we do to ourselves. What's more, we trick ourselves into thinking we are so noble or "the bigger person" because of our actions or deeds. But it's really a supremely selfish way to live.
It's not that it's wrong to do for others. But when we define who we are by this type of mindset and do it outside the strength and boundaries of God, it all becomes warped. Because it's coming from the wrong place. Consider these words from Jesus in Mark 8:
"He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days, rise again. He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.
"But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. 'Get behind me, Satan!' he said. 'You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.' Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said:
"'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?'"
Points to ponder:
What negative things have you been told about yourself?
To what extent do you accept and own those things?
How do you rebel against those things?
What is it that you need from life and relationships that you aren't getting?
How is giving your life up to Jesus different from giving your life away to others?
How is being selfish different from simply being yourself?
True humility leads to a freedom and an authenticity that cannot be achieved any other way. Because it begins and ends with a total lack of any excuse, pretense or defense.
This is something I can explain to you, but I cannot understand it for you, because it must be experienced, personally, in Christ, or no matter how hard you try, you simply won't get it. True humility is impossible without Jesus. When you can say, unapologetically and without a trace of arrogance, "This is who I am, warts and all. Jesus has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself. I still have a lot of work to do, but thankfully He isn't done with me yet," and mean it with your entire being, then you are at the start of something incredible. Magical. Wonderful. Amazing. Mysterious. And AWESOME. You are not only ready, but completely willing, to know and say, "Yep. I'm an idiot. But God loves this idiot, and He can heal me." At that point, get ready, because He will do just that. That is real freedom.
Perhaps you are resisting what I'm saying. Or you don't completely buy it. Or maybe you are just afraid of being wrong. If this is you, it's ok. Don't fret! Consider this funny little piece by Susan L. Lenzkes:
Don't look now, Lord!
I don't want you to see me
standing here with my big foot
crammed in my mouth.
Don't worry, child!
If I didn't love you
just as much with your
foot in your mouth,
I'd hardly ever get a chance
to love you.
Jesus said, "What can a man give in exchange for his soul?" I'll close by giving you one more point to ponder:
What are you trying to exchange your soul for today?
Dear Lord, there are not enough ways to express how many different ways I can be an idiot. I am blessed and beyond grateful that You love me anyway and that I am now, and will continue to be, a work in progress until You come for me. I love you and it is my prayer that anyone reading this will hear Your voice, feel Your love and acceptance, and either come to know You for the first time or come to know You even better than before. Amen.
+++++++++
This blog was inspired by the message my pastor gave this last Sunday at church.
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