This video is from Season 5 So You Think You Can Dance. Here, Kayla and Kupono dance a Mia Michaels routine about addiction... it is SO powerful... and they are dancing to a song called Gravity by Sara Bareilles. Anyone who struggles with any kind of addiction can watch this and know 'zactly what's up. I haven't been able to watch this once without being deeply moved, and I'm really grateful to Mia for taking on this material, and to Sara for such a powerful song... for it can apply to ANY addiction.
Gravity
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here
'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love
and not feel your reign.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
And all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
And all over me.
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down.
You're onto me
You're onto me
And all over...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me
The way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to...
No, I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to...
It may not be the way
I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world
That's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone...
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer
My cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.
If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me
The way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to...
No, I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to...
It may not be the way
I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world
That's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone...
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer
My cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.
If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens
Day 1
Six months ago today, my boyfriend, whom I loved and truly thought I would grow old with, ended our relationship. However many days are in 6 months, that is how long I have been "sober."
But MY definition of sober transcends whatever addictions or hurts, habits and hang-ups you struggle with. For MY definition of sober means to be SOBER MINDED. The Bible tells us somewhere (I suppose I need to get better with addresses, huh?) in the New Testament not to be drunk but to be of SOUND MIND. An addict is anything but of sound mind... however, that doesn't just apply to addicts, now does it? C'mon, be honest, at least with yourself... I promise I won't tell! *wink* Seriously, though, anyone who is hurting or angry or frustrated or bitter or resentful or sad or depressed or tired or scared or offended or... (fill in the blank) has a little bit of unrest going on in their heart and mind. True sobriety isn't the absence of these feelings or thoughts or struggles... True sobriety is a CHOICE, it's an act of will, to overcome the bad and sometimes even the good to get to the truly worthy. I personally don't believe that this is fully possible without Christ. There is honor in the struggle, and the glory goes to the Lord.
So how does one do this, exactly? If recovery is about doing something different and progress not perfection, what does that look like? How does one live it out?
Daily. And right now is Day 1.
At my Friday night CR group, sometimes people give testimonies (I'll be giving one myself in the next several weeks). Whatever the issues addressed in the testimony, you always hear them say, "I've been clean/sober/in recovery (x number) of years." They are proud of it and grateful to the Lord for bringing them that far, as they should be. But a few weeks back, a woman stood up and put it a different way, which I think sums up "one day at a time" pretty damn well. She said, "I've been clean and sober for 26 years... but really, I've just been clean and sober today. By the grace of God, I've had 26 years of TODAY."
That is PROFOUND.
As you get to know me, you discover that my process speed is genetically set to SUH-LOW. I chew on things for a while; it takes me a little minute to think, pray, contemplate things. Those words turned a light bulb on in my subconscious, and I wrote them down in my trusty little silver sparkly notebook I use to journal and take notes at the meetings. I've spent the time since then thinking about this, and I've come to view it as the "Day 1 mentality."
Day 1 is just an extension of "progress, not perfection." It means you can truly deal with today. JUST today. While 26 years of successful recovery is nothing to scoff at, she nailed the key, I think, to recovery, which is what everyone hears referred to as living one day at a time. But even that has become so mundane, so platitudinal, if you will. Plus, to someone like me, who's relatively new at all this, it's kind of intimidating. And for someone who struggles as I do with codependency and love addiction, it's easy to hero worship. To be perfectly frank, I don't think I really believed when I started out on this journey that I could do this. I mean REALLY DO THIS. The desperation to at least try was there, yes. But did I in my heart of hearts really believe I could be any different than I had been for 38 years, that I could really "change my ways" and live a different, successful life? Uh... let me put it like this: NUH UH.
I assumed I'd fail. How sad is that??? But that's why change is SO fearful for most of us, isn't it? Why we procrastinate and deny and excuse and justify and blah blah blah anyway? Because we believe deep down we'll fail. I'm not saying everyone is like this, but I can promise you that in general, an addict, especially one who acted out for a long time, for damn sure struggles with believing that freedom from the chains of bondage addiction controls you in isn't really possible.
People who are starting out in recovery don't do it because they really believe it's possible to "do something different," at least I didn't. I started out because I was desperate, because I was in severe pain, because my past had caught up to me in a real public way, and because I thought I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE. So why not? The belief that real recovery is truly possible comes with a little time of actually DOING THE WORK. Having a head full of knowledge, bumper-sticker phrases and a gabillion Bible verses you know by heart don't do you a bit of good until you act on it.
Practically speaking, wisdom is knowledge applied. Spiritually speaking, the awesome POWER of God's word doesn't come to life until the believer OBEYS.
"One day at a time" is great, but that particular phraseology implies passivity to me. Perhaps that's just a bias on my part. Either way, I like "Day 1" thinking better. To me that implies a fresh start, a new beginning, an intentional, on purpose, ALIVE and PRESENT way to tackle your life. It implies action. I've been continually surprised at every turn at how active and ongoing recovery really is. The Bible teaches that yesterday's grace is insufficient for today, and now I know what that means!
Day 1 takes the pride out of it... it keeps you humble. It removes the deer-in-headlights feeling when you first start out in recovery and the oh-SH&%-I-screwed-up-again feeling when you have been in a while and falter. It breaks the awesome task of changing one's ENTIRE life down into the bite-sized task of just dealing with right where you are, putting one foot in front of the other and taking one small step. Day 1 levels the playing field: past victories and defeats and the consequences rendered matter, of course, but they don't absolve you of the task or responsibility for what you are going to think, say or do RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I mean, let's face it: floating through life with no purpose or direction, trying to escape from feeling and numb your brain from thinking is what got ya here in the first place, ya know?
Consider the following scenarios:
Day 1: Today my loved ones did an intervention on me (I lost my job/I got arrested/fill in the blank) and I see that my life has fallen apart. I'm sick and I need help... I hate the person I've become. I'm going to get help.
Day 1: Two months ago today, I stopped drinking (smoking/using/sexing/fill in the blank). I can still feel the whisky burn on my lips and the desire to taste just one sip is SO STRONG... But I've made it this far. If I can just get through today...
Day 1: I screwed up BAD... After four months of no coke and no pot (fill in the blank), I got high last night... I feel awful and guilt-stricken... I'm going to a meeting right now... I did that last night but I don't have to do it TODAY.
Day 1: I've been clean and sober for 26 years, by the grace of God. And so far today, I'm still clean and sober.
Day 1: I started out this morning doing ok... this afternoon I messed up bad... I'm starting over right this minute.
Are you starting to get the picture? This thinking is EMPOWERING... it gives you the ability to trust God and to make decisions that will allow you to grow and heal, rather than be swept away by the winds of change, circumstance, feelings and whims.
It's a way to LIVE, and live FREE.
Whether you say Day 1, one day at a time, right now or however you phrase it, just make sure you are making an intentional decision TODAY, RIGHT NOW to rely on the Lord and to make more progress, take another step in your recovery.
What's so cool to me about recovery is that you take the truths and apply them to EVERYTHING in your life, not just the issues or relationships that brought you to recovery in the first place. If we could all live with a Day 1 mentality, in every area of our lives whether we wear the label "addict" or not, think of the incredible things that could be done that are NOT being done because WE AREN'T DOING THEM.
To own this whole concept: I'm thinking of the incredible things that could be done and aren't getting done because I, JENIFER, AM NOT DOING THEM.
(JEN'S words)
Day 1: It's August 19, 2009. Six months ago today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated; I loved him and truly believed I'd grow old with him. I didn't think I would survive it, but I made a decision that night that February 19, 2009 would be DAY 1 of my NEW LIFE. I decided to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT; to not go down the same paths, make the same choices I always have that I KNOW from over two decades of insanity experience DO NOT WORK. I decided to cling to Christ and take recovery seriously to the point where I excluded all else.
Today, I'm still making that decision. God willing, I'll still make it tomorrow. Today, I can say I am not the person that I used to be, and while I haven't arrived... I'm getting there. Bit by little bit. And today, I can say I'm truly grateful for the lesson I learned through that breakup and for the part it played in the incredible place I'm at now in my life.
Happy Six Months to me!
TODAY: "These are my words, that I've never said before: I think I'm doing ok! I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today.'
Dear Lord, thank You SO MUCH for the blessing You have given me of sanity, of peace, of a second chance to get it right or make it right, every single day I get to start anew. None of this is possible without You, yet I know I had a part to play, too... You called, and I answered, and here We stand, Lord, together... WE did it! And We are STILL doing it, as a TEAM. I am thrilled today to be able to say that I'm content, at peace and WELL. Which means I've found true joy that transcends how I FEEL about it, and boy does it feel GOOD!!! Thank you for SIX WHOLE MONTHS of Day 1s, Father! I will rely on and trust in and praise You today. And I thank You for the grace and power you will give me for all other Day 1s I'm blessed enough to receive... whether I have 4 seconds, 4 minutes, 4 days, 4 weeks, 4 months, 4 years or 4 decades of being sober minded, I will always have the next moment in which to change things... I will always have Day 1. Thank You, Lord, and I love You SO MUCH for that! Amen.
But MY definition of sober transcends whatever addictions or hurts, habits and hang-ups you struggle with. For MY definition of sober means to be SOBER MINDED. The Bible tells us somewhere (I suppose I need to get better with addresses, huh?) in the New Testament not to be drunk but to be of SOUND MIND. An addict is anything but of sound mind... however, that doesn't just apply to addicts, now does it? C'mon, be honest, at least with yourself... I promise I won't tell! *wink* Seriously, though, anyone who is hurting or angry or frustrated or bitter or resentful or sad or depressed or tired or scared or offended or... (fill in the blank) has a little bit of unrest going on in their heart and mind. True sobriety isn't the absence of these feelings or thoughts or struggles... True sobriety is a CHOICE, it's an act of will, to overcome the bad and sometimes even the good to get to the truly worthy. I personally don't believe that this is fully possible without Christ. There is honor in the struggle, and the glory goes to the Lord.
So how does one do this, exactly? If recovery is about doing something different and progress not perfection, what does that look like? How does one live it out?
Daily. And right now is Day 1.
At my Friday night CR group, sometimes people give testimonies (I'll be giving one myself in the next several weeks). Whatever the issues addressed in the testimony, you always hear them say, "I've been clean/sober/in recovery (x number) of years." They are proud of it and grateful to the Lord for bringing them that far, as they should be. But a few weeks back, a woman stood up and put it a different way, which I think sums up "one day at a time" pretty damn well. She said, "I've been clean and sober for 26 years... but really, I've just been clean and sober today. By the grace of God, I've had 26 years of TODAY."
That is PROFOUND.
As you get to know me, you discover that my process speed is genetically set to SUH-LOW. I chew on things for a while; it takes me a little minute to think, pray, contemplate things. Those words turned a light bulb on in my subconscious, and I wrote them down in my trusty little silver sparkly notebook I use to journal and take notes at the meetings. I've spent the time since then thinking about this, and I've come to view it as the "Day 1 mentality."
Day 1 is just an extension of "progress, not perfection." It means you can truly deal with today. JUST today. While 26 years of successful recovery is nothing to scoff at, she nailed the key, I think, to recovery, which is what everyone hears referred to as living one day at a time. But even that has become so mundane, so platitudinal, if you will. Plus, to someone like me, who's relatively new at all this, it's kind of intimidating. And for someone who struggles as I do with codependency and love addiction, it's easy to hero worship. To be perfectly frank, I don't think I really believed when I started out on this journey that I could do this. I mean REALLY DO THIS. The desperation to at least try was there, yes. But did I in my heart of hearts really believe I could be any different than I had been for 38 years, that I could really "change my ways" and live a different, successful life? Uh... let me put it like this: NUH UH.
I assumed I'd fail. How sad is that??? But that's why change is SO fearful for most of us, isn't it? Why we procrastinate and deny and excuse and justify and blah blah blah anyway? Because we believe deep down we'll fail. I'm not saying everyone is like this, but I can promise you that in general, an addict, especially one who acted out for a long time, for damn sure struggles with believing that freedom from the chains of bondage addiction controls you in isn't really possible.
People who are starting out in recovery don't do it because they really believe it's possible to "do something different," at least I didn't. I started out because I was desperate, because I was in severe pain, because my past had caught up to me in a real public way, and because I thought I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE. So why not? The belief that real recovery is truly possible comes with a little time of actually DOING THE WORK. Having a head full of knowledge, bumper-sticker phrases and a gabillion Bible verses you know by heart don't do you a bit of good until you act on it.
Practically speaking, wisdom is knowledge applied. Spiritually speaking, the awesome POWER of God's word doesn't come to life until the believer OBEYS.
"One day at a time" is great, but that particular phraseology implies passivity to me. Perhaps that's just a bias on my part. Either way, I like "Day 1" thinking better. To me that implies a fresh start, a new beginning, an intentional, on purpose, ALIVE and PRESENT way to tackle your life. It implies action. I've been continually surprised at every turn at how active and ongoing recovery really is. The Bible teaches that yesterday's grace is insufficient for today, and now I know what that means!
Day 1 takes the pride out of it... it keeps you humble. It removes the deer-in-headlights feeling when you first start out in recovery and the oh-SH&%-I-screwed-up-again feeling when you have been in a while and falter. It breaks the awesome task of changing one's ENTIRE life down into the bite-sized task of just dealing with right where you are, putting one foot in front of the other and taking one small step. Day 1 levels the playing field: past victories and defeats and the consequences rendered matter, of course, but they don't absolve you of the task or responsibility for what you are going to think, say or do RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I mean, let's face it: floating through life with no purpose or direction, trying to escape from feeling and numb your brain from thinking is what got ya here in the first place, ya know?
Consider the following scenarios:
Day 1: Today my loved ones did an intervention on me (I lost my job/I got arrested/fill in the blank) and I see that my life has fallen apart. I'm sick and I need help... I hate the person I've become. I'm going to get help.
Day 1: Two months ago today, I stopped drinking (smoking/using/sexing/fill in the blank). I can still feel the whisky burn on my lips and the desire to taste just one sip is SO STRONG... But I've made it this far. If I can just get through today...
Day 1: I screwed up BAD... After four months of no coke and no pot (fill in the blank), I got high last night... I feel awful and guilt-stricken... I'm going to a meeting right now... I did that last night but I don't have to do it TODAY.
Day 1: I've been clean and sober for 26 years, by the grace of God. And so far today, I'm still clean and sober.
Day 1: I started out this morning doing ok... this afternoon I messed up bad... I'm starting over right this minute.
Are you starting to get the picture? This thinking is EMPOWERING... it gives you the ability to trust God and to make decisions that will allow you to grow and heal, rather than be swept away by the winds of change, circumstance, feelings and whims.
It's a way to LIVE, and live FREE.
Whether you say Day 1, one day at a time, right now or however you phrase it, just make sure you are making an intentional decision TODAY, RIGHT NOW to rely on the Lord and to make more progress, take another step in your recovery.
What's so cool to me about recovery is that you take the truths and apply them to EVERYTHING in your life, not just the issues or relationships that brought you to recovery in the first place. If we could all live with a Day 1 mentality, in every area of our lives whether we wear the label "addict" or not, think of the incredible things that could be done that are NOT being done because WE AREN'T DOING THEM.
To own this whole concept: I'm thinking of the incredible things that could be done and aren't getting done because I, JENIFER, AM NOT DOING THEM.
(JEN'S words)
Day 1: It's August 19, 2009. Six months ago today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated; I loved him and truly believed I'd grow old with him. I didn't think I would survive it, but I made a decision that night that February 19, 2009 would be DAY 1 of my NEW LIFE. I decided to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT; to not go down the same paths, make the same choices I always have that I KNOW from over two decades of insanity experience DO NOT WORK. I decided to cling to Christ and take recovery seriously to the point where I excluded all else.
Today, I'm still making that decision. God willing, I'll still make it tomorrow. Today, I can say I am not the person that I used to be, and while I haven't arrived... I'm getting there. Bit by little bit. And today, I can say I'm truly grateful for the lesson I learned through that breakup and for the part it played in the incredible place I'm at now in my life.
Happy Six Months to me!
TODAY: "These are my words, that I've never said before: I think I'm doing ok! I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today.'
Dear Lord, thank You SO MUCH for the blessing You have given me of sanity, of peace, of a second chance to get it right or make it right, every single day I get to start anew. None of this is possible without You, yet I know I had a part to play, too... You called, and I answered, and here We stand, Lord, together... WE did it! And We are STILL doing it, as a TEAM. I am thrilled today to be able to say that I'm content, at peace and WELL. Which means I've found true joy that transcends how I FEEL about it, and boy does it feel GOOD!!! Thank you for SIX WHOLE MONTHS of Day 1s, Father! I will rely on and trust in and praise You today. And I thank You for the grace and power you will give me for all other Day 1s I'm blessed enough to receive... whether I have 4 seconds, 4 minutes, 4 days, 4 weeks, 4 months, 4 years or 4 decades of being sober minded, I will always have the next moment in which to change things... I will always have Day 1. Thank You, Lord, and I love You SO MUCH for that! Amen.
Monday, August 17, 2009
PROGRESS, not perfection
I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. Not until someone pointed out to me that there are so many things I am capable of but aren't doing because I let "best" get in the way of "good."
“Never let perfect get in the way of good.” I’ve heard that so many times in my life but never really understood what it meant until now…
Addicts are, at the very core, extremists. A.k.a., perfectionists. Too afraid to try for fear of failing. Reluctant to start or to let go until every I is dotted, every T crossed. Quickly running out of energy to complete anything once something is started. In the end, always feeling like a failure because there is no direction, no hope, no real belief in anything solid or sure. For the addict, life is full of stops and starts—with precious few victories sprinkling a canvas painted with crushing, painful defeats.
Extremism isn’t exclusive to addicts, however; let’s face it, in general, people rarely change unless forced to. It usually takes coming to the end of one’s self and all the excuses, rationalizations and justifications made for one’s behavior before one actually finds the courage to make the necessary changes required to change one’s life. Understandably, change requires sacrifice and involves at least some measure of fear—the greater the changes that need to be made, the greater the fear factor in making the change. It means exerting effort, energy and a dedication to a new way of thinking that can be exhausting just thinking about it, much less doing it. In short: true change comes about when the pain from one’s choices outweighs or overcomes the fear involved with “doing something different.”
I am 39 years old, just turned. Until seven months ago when I got serious about my recovery journey, my entire life could be summed up that way—a never-ending cycle of hot & cold, no neutral ground in which to rest. But the neutral ground, or the “in-between place,” is where the real, lasting work of recovery is done.
Result: the same cycle kept repeating itself. I do everything at 100%, so Godly or ungodly, I kept doing the same thing, so I kept getting the same results. Either my own efforts to secure love and happiness for myself failed miserably, leaving me broken and alone, or I’d have these righteously intense mountain-top religious experiences where I began infused with energy but quickly burned out. Like a shooting star. And then I'd feel like a "bad Christian" because I couldn't do it right, and I'd beat myself up and self-destruct until that became too painful, then I'd start the whole STUPID process all over again.
In February 2008, my life pretty much blew up in my face. Recovery and “doing something different” started out the same way everything else had in my life: I got off the ground with a big ole bang, motivated again by extreme pain and my past catching up to me in a very public way. I was ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, guilt-ridden and mortified at what I’d done. I no longer knew the person who stared back at me in the mirror. And I was desperate to do whatever it took to change it. I was extremely vulnerable, in deep, excruciating spiritual pain. Friends of mine did an intervention on me, basically telling me to get my head out of my ass because the person I’d become was a poor, pitiful shadow of the person they knew I could and should be. I knew they were right, too... Instead of arguing, becoming defensive or denying, I listened this time, and I went and got help a month later.
So I began this journey of “doing something different.” And things were moving along nicely, but I didn’t see how much of the same old crap was still controlling me. Fast forward 6 months, when I decided to enter into a romantic relationship with my very best guy friend. I thought I knew what I was doing, was utterly convinced I’d finally found the love I was looking for because this is the way all true love started out, wasn’t it? With a friendship “caught fire?” Five months of bliss… and then it all started to fall apart, just like every other relationship in my life. I was DEVASTATED. The problem was, slowly but surely during the course of this “true love” I’d started letting go of the recovery that had meant so much to me just six short months before… and before I knew it, I was right back where I started. One month of confusion, devastation and “WTF just happened???!?!??!?” and I knew, this time, I had to get it right or I’d die.
So in January of 2009, I got REALLY serious about the recovery I’d started the previous year and made some different kinds of decisions… I evaluated my understanding of “do something different” and realized I totally missed the mark; that, once again, I was living in extremes instead of relying on and trusting in God, one day at a time, step by tiny step. I was adding 2 + 2 and HOPING for a different sum, when I'd done nothing different... I got back involved with my church and with Celebrate Recovery, taking things ONE day at a time, in smaller pieces… which is why, eight months later, it’s still working.
Before, I was afraid to admit fully all my faults, hurts, habits and hang-ups. If I couldn’t do it perfectly, I’d leave that part out. Resulting in the kind of extremism and perfection that had been my downfall my entire life.
I have learned (the hard way, as usual *smile*) that PROGRESS is what counts in living a different life. We see, acknowledge and own a truth, and then just show up with a willing heart to whatever task God has called us to. And we take it slowly, one thing, one step at a time. I’ve had eight months now of successful recovery, but the truth is, it’s been eight months of TODAY.
TODAY, I can tell you that I’m ok. I've never been able to say that before. I’m not promised tomorrow, and I’m blessed for eight months of yesterdays in which I “did something different.” I rejoice in my yesterdays, and I can plan for my tomorrows. First, though, I can only get through TODAY, right now, right this very moment. Some days that is harder than others. But the ground I've gained, the progress I've made, has been worth every second. And I wish I'd figured this out a long time ago, seen how I was shooting myself in the proverbial foot.
My life is no longer what it used to be, and I’m no longer the person that I was. I can face the day, I can forgive and I’m no longer ashamed to be the person I am.
Progress, not perfection, means you can actually LIVE your life instead of letting life control you. Every little moment counts… You get the power over your will, your mind, your emotions and your spirit BACK, because your esteem and worth are internal and rooted in truths bigger than just yourself, rather than basing everything on external circumstances or people. Living this way rarely requires extremes in thinking or in change, though it can on occasion, but mostly it’s just taking each moment as it comes, being fully aware of what you are thinking and feeling in every given moment. This is much harder at first because you are changing how you THINK, which is the CORE ESSENTIAL in doing anything different or in changing how you feel and behave. At every turn, instead of reacting and shooting from the hip, you own where you are (even if it really SUCKS or hurts at that moment), separate your feelings from the facts, evaluate all against The Truth, and make a decision. You keep doing this, over and over again. If you screw it up, pick yourself back up and keep on keepin' on. That sounds real simple, because it IS real simple. It's not always easy, but it's so simple a child can understand it. Keep doing it and pretty soon it becomes second nature.
PROGRESS, not perfection, is what has saved my bacon, every time.
The Recovery Chronicles: An Introduction
This blog is intended to be a diary, of sorts, I suppose. I'm in recovery. I participate in Celebrate Recovery at Heartsong Church in Memphis, Tenn. I am a believer who struggles with love addiction and codependency. But don't let the label fool you: I'm an addict, no more, no less.
The Bible says in Matthew, I think? Somewhere in the New Testament, I kinda suck at addresses... Anyway Jesus is quoted as saying, "For what does it profit a man to gain the entire world, but lose his own soul? And what would a man give in exchange for his soul?" Well, lemme tell ya, when it comes to acting out and trying to find ways to fill the hole that's inside each and every human being, I've tried it ALL. I lived out the last couple of decades with a "FOR SALE" sign around my neck, selling out to anything or anyone that I thought would bring me relief or fulfill my sick definition of happiness. At one point in time, I'm ashamed to say, there wasn't a damn thing I would NOT give in exchange for my soul.
Here's the kicker: there's only ONE way to have any kind of peace, contentment and joy in this life, and that is through living your life according to The Truth. For me, that is embodied in Jesus Christ. Period.
Now this blog isn't intended to push religion, Jesus or anything of the sort down anyone's throat. It's merely the thoughts and record of one person who's realized that there is more to life than self-aggrandizement, quick fixes and situational or relative ethics.
Picture a kid in a field with no fence. It's infinite... all you can see in every direction is the horizon. That might be a neat concept for a greeting card, but it does NOT work in real life. Real life requires boundaries; boundaries bring freedom. (Anyone who denies this fact is gonna get REAL UPSET reading the things I choose to share.)
No kid really wants a fence, or at least they don't THINK they do. But if you think about it, all kids feel most loved when they push a boundary and someone who has their best interests at heart PUSHES BACK. If there are never any fences, that kid is in an endless field, never knowing exactly where they are. That might be fun for a minute, but trust me... eventually, we all need to find our bearings.
For me, that fence is Jesus Christ. The Truth. And the 12 Steps and 8 Principles of recovery. When there is a fence, that means there is a boundary, like a big, blinking YOU ARE HERE sign. Even if you are on the wrong side of that fence, at least you know where you are! Then and only then can you figure out where you need to go.
Like I said, this is merely intended to be one person sharing the joys, the struggles, the victories, the defeats, the questions, the answers and anything else that comes to mind as I move along down this road of recovery. It's just one addict sharing the experience, strength and hope I'm finding along the way, hoping it helps someone else.
And make no mistake, it IS a journey. It's not a destination. If you look at it like that, you will fail.
Love, JEN
The Bible says in Matthew, I think? Somewhere in the New Testament, I kinda suck at addresses... Anyway Jesus is quoted as saying, "For what does it profit a man to gain the entire world, but lose his own soul? And what would a man give in exchange for his soul?" Well, lemme tell ya, when it comes to acting out and trying to find ways to fill the hole that's inside each and every human being, I've tried it ALL. I lived out the last couple of decades with a "FOR SALE" sign around my neck, selling out to anything or anyone that I thought would bring me relief or fulfill my sick definition of happiness. At one point in time, I'm ashamed to say, there wasn't a damn thing I would NOT give in exchange for my soul.
Here's the kicker: there's only ONE way to have any kind of peace, contentment and joy in this life, and that is through living your life according to The Truth. For me, that is embodied in Jesus Christ. Period.
Now this blog isn't intended to push religion, Jesus or anything of the sort down anyone's throat. It's merely the thoughts and record of one person who's realized that there is more to life than self-aggrandizement, quick fixes and situational or relative ethics.
Picture a kid in a field with no fence. It's infinite... all you can see in every direction is the horizon. That might be a neat concept for a greeting card, but it does NOT work in real life. Real life requires boundaries; boundaries bring freedom. (Anyone who denies this fact is gonna get REAL UPSET reading the things I choose to share.)
No kid really wants a fence, or at least they don't THINK they do. But if you think about it, all kids feel most loved when they push a boundary and someone who has their best interests at heart PUSHES BACK. If there are never any fences, that kid is in an endless field, never knowing exactly where they are. That might be fun for a minute, but trust me... eventually, we all need to find our bearings.
For me, that fence is Jesus Christ. The Truth. And the 12 Steps and 8 Principles of recovery. When there is a fence, that means there is a boundary, like a big, blinking YOU ARE HERE sign. Even if you are on the wrong side of that fence, at least you know where you are! Then and only then can you figure out where you need to go.
Like I said, this is merely intended to be one person sharing the joys, the struggles, the victories, the defeats, the questions, the answers and anything else that comes to mind as I move along down this road of recovery. It's just one addict sharing the experience, strength and hope I'm finding along the way, hoping it helps someone else.
And make no mistake, it IS a journey. It's not a destination. If you look at it like that, you will fail.
Love, JEN
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