PROGRESS, not perfection

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. Not until someone pointed out to me that there are so many things I am capable of but aren't doing because I let "best" get in the way of "good."

“Never let perfect get in the way of good.” I’ve heard that so many times in my life but never really understood what it meant until now…

Addicts are, at the very core, extremists. A.k.a., perfectionists. Too afraid to try for fear of failing. Reluctant to start or to let go until every I is dotted, every T crossed. Quickly running out of energy to complete anything once something is started. In the end, always feeling like a failure because there is no direction, no hope, no real belief in anything solid or sure. For the addict, life is full of stops and starts—with precious few victories sprinkling a canvas painted with crushing, painful defeats.

Extremism isn’t exclusive to addicts, however; let’s face it, in general, people rarely change unless forced to. It usually takes coming to the end of one’s self and all the excuses, rationalizations and justifications made for one’s behavior before one actually finds the courage to make the necessary changes required to change one’s life. Understandably, change requires sacrifice and involves at least some measure of fear—the greater the changes that need to be made, the greater the fear factor in making the change. It means exerting effort, energy and a dedication to a new way of thinking that can be exhausting just thinking about it, much less doing it. In short: true change comes about when the pain from one’s choices outweighs or overcomes the fear involved with “doing something different.”

I am 39 years old, just turned. Until seven months ago when I got serious about my recovery journey, my entire life could be summed up that way—a never-ending cycle of hot & cold, no neutral ground in which to rest. But the neutral ground, or the “in-between place,” is where the real, lasting work of recovery is done.

I would hear a message, have a conversation with a friend, see something or someone that convicted, inspired or just plain scared me into knowing I needed to change something about myself or how I was doing things. The cycle was usually me trotting along, living life on my own terms (very selfishly, of course), with no boundaries or logic or reason. Every single thing I did was rooted in how I FELT. Then something would cause me to see I needed to make a change—and it always, but always, involved severe pain or trauma or a cataclysmic event (rarely MY fault, of course **eyeroll*) … and so my life would do a 180-degree swing to the opposite end of the pendulum. I’d jump feet first into the deep end with no floaties and no life guard on duty. Whether it was religion or total self-absorption, I didn’t put much thought into consequences or the cause of why things kept turning out so badly. It shocked me to the core every time I messed up, a relationship ended, whatever the case was… I spent hours analyzing things and learning what I did wrong. The problem was, I never APPLIED anything to present and future events or relationships.

Result: the same cycle kept repeating itself. I do everything at 100%, so Godly or ungodly, I kept doing the same thing, so I kept getting the same results. Either my own efforts to secure love and happiness for myself failed miserably, leaving me broken and alone, or I’d have these righteously intense mountain-top religious experiences where I began infused with energy but quickly burned out. Like a shooting star. And then I'd feel like a "bad Christian" because I couldn't do it right, and I'd beat myself up and self-destruct until that became too painful, then I'd start the whole STUPID process all over again.

In February 2008, my life pretty much blew up in my face. Recovery and “doing something different” started out the same way everything else had in my life: I got off the ground with a big ole bang, motivated again by extreme pain and my past catching up to me in a very public way. I was ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, guilt-ridden and mortified at what I’d done. I no longer knew the person who stared back at me in the mirror. And I was desperate to do whatever it took to change it. I was extremely vulnerable, in deep, excruciating spiritual pain. Friends of mine did an intervention on me, basically telling me to get my head out of my ass because the person I’d become was a poor, pitiful shadow of the person they knew I could and should be. I knew they were right, too... Instead of arguing, becoming defensive or denying, I listened this time, and I went and got help a month later.

So I began this journey of “doing something different.” And things were moving along nicely, but I didn’t see how much of the same old crap was still controlling me. Fast forward 6 months, when I decided to enter into a romantic relationship with my very best guy friend. I thought I knew what I was doing, was utterly convinced I’d finally found the love I was looking for because this is the way all true love started out, wasn’t it? With a friendship “caught fire?” Five months of bliss… and then it all started to fall apart, just like every other relationship in my life. I was DEVASTATED. The problem was, slowly but surely during the course of this “true love” I’d started letting go of the recovery that had meant so much to me just six short months before… and before I knew it, I was right back where I started. One month of confusion, devastation and “WTF just happened???!?!??!?” and I knew, this time, I had to get it right or I’d die.

Fact: 2 + 2 = 4. Every time. It doesn't become 5 until you ADD ONE. Ergo, if you want a different result, you have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. 2 + 2 will ALWAYS = 4 unless you change the formula. Duh, right?

So in January of 2009, I got REALLY serious about the recovery I’d started the previous year and made some different kinds of decisions… I evaluated my understanding of “do something different” and realized I totally missed the mark; that, once again, I was living in extremes instead of relying on and trusting in God, one day at a time, step by tiny step. I was adding 2 + 2 and HOPING for a different sum, when I'd done nothing different... I got back involved with my church and with Celebrate Recovery, taking things ONE day at a time, in smaller pieces… which is why, eight months later, it’s still working.

Before, I was afraid to admit fully all my faults, hurts, habits and hang-ups. If I couldn’t do it perfectly, I’d leave that part out. Resulting in the kind of extremism and perfection that had been my downfall my entire life.

I have learned (the hard way, as usual *smile*) that PROGRESS is what counts in living a different life. We see, acknowledge and own a truth, and then just show up with a willing heart to whatever task God has called us to. And we take it slowly, one thing, one step at a time. I’ve had eight months now of successful recovery, but the truth is, it’s been eight months of TODAY.

TODAY, I can tell you that I’m ok. I've never been able to say that before. I’m not promised tomorrow, and I’m blessed for eight months of yesterdays in which I “did something different.” I rejoice in my yesterdays, and I can plan for my tomorrows. First, though, I can only get through TODAY, right now, right this very moment. Some days that is harder than others. But the ground I've gained, the progress I've made, has been worth every second. And I wish I'd figured this out a long time ago, seen how I was shooting myself in the proverbial foot.

My life is no longer what it used to be, and I’m no longer the person that I was. I can face the day, I can forgive and I’m no longer ashamed to be the person I am.

Progress, not perfection, means you can actually LIVE your life instead of letting life control you. Every little moment counts… You get the power over your will, your mind, your emotions and your spirit BACK, because your esteem and worth are internal and rooted in truths bigger than just yourself, rather than basing everything on external circumstances or people. Living this way rarely requires extremes in thinking or in change, though it can on occasion, but mostly it’s just taking each moment as it comes, being fully aware of what you are thinking and feeling in every given moment. This is much harder at first because you are changing how you THINK, which is the CORE ESSENTIAL in doing anything different or in changing how you feel and behave. At every turn, instead of reacting and shooting from the hip, you own where you are (even if it really SUCKS or hurts at that moment), separate your feelings from the facts, evaluate all against The Truth, and make a decision. You keep doing this, over and over again. If you screw it up, pick yourself back up and keep on keepin' on. That sounds real simple, because it IS real simple. It's not always easy, but it's so simple a child can understand it. Keep doing it and pretty soon it becomes second nature.

PROGRESS, not perfection, is what has saved my bacon, every time.