Live in front of people.

I think Christians do a monumental disservice to themselves and to those around them when they hide. 

Some of you aren't quite sure what this means. The rest of you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

I believe Jesus was the most authentic person who ever lived. He's certainly the one true God, and the time He spent as humanity was done so well that to me, it leaves no room for doubt about what the standard is.

Although He felt every human emotion and thought every human thought, Jesus' execution in the game of life was perfect. I believe this is because Jesus was real. He did not pretend. He owned His emotions, confessed them and His thoughts to God, and acted accordingly. Everything He did was in love, in truth and by the Spirit.

We are never going to be perfect as human beings. We are never going to be anything we should or want to be outside of the Lord. It's just not possible. I think the rub is when we expect ourselves to be perfect or kill ourselves trying to attain that standard knowing in our deepest places that it's not possible. And that is where hope begins to die. 

Then, because we don't want to admit defeat or be judged, or have someone else tell us what to do... we hide. Our lives may be blowing up in our faces, the pieces falling apart all around us. Yet instead of just saying, "I'm DYING HERE!" we say instead, "Oh, I'm fine! Everything is great!" Maybe it feels safer in that moment. Or perhaps we just do not want to get into it... Whatever the reason, we hide. We go with "I am fine" even when those asking can clearly see that's not true, and even when we know they know... we hide. 

I believe this leads to us having expectations of others that are unfair, unrealistic, and--quite frankly--irresponsible. When you don't take onus in your own life, it only leads to an increased criticism of other people. Because when we can't (or won't) control what's going on in our own lives, we try to control others. 

How's that workin' for ya? 

I used to be SO GOOD at hiding. I made it an art form. I achieved the greatest success one can in this endeavor: I hid in plain sight. I stood in front of hundreds and thousands of people, proclaiming truth while living by a lie. I shouted from the rafters about how everyone should make Christ Lord of their lives when I kept lordship of my own. I gave all kinds of fantastic advice that I wasn't taking. 

It wasn't that I was lying; I wasn't. I told them the truth. And it wasn't that I didn't believe; I did. The problem was in the gap between what I knew to be true and my ability to live that out in the manner I felt I was "supposed to" as a "Christian." I was afraid of not being perfect, of falling short, of not measuring up to the expectations of others. Not because I didn't try, but because I didn't trust. The expectations and approval I should have been concerned with were the Lord's, and if I'd known Him then like I know Him now, I would have realized that there was no possible way for me to live truth outside of Him. I was so afraid of failure and inadequacy that I practically guaranteed both. I never intended to be a hypocrite. But that's what I was until I stopped hiding... from God and from myself.

Hiding is infinitely painful. In order to do it effectively I had to lie to myself, and over time I got so good at it that I could look into the mirror and see what I wanted to see. Ergo, it made it incredibly easy to show that facade to others. I didn't really have to try that hard. My pat answer for everything was, "I am fine." I could not take any kind of criticism. I could not be wrong. I was afraid all the time and hyper-suspicious of anyone who tried to show me friendship or true kindness. "I am fine" became my mantra just like Dori's was "just keep swimming."

Then Jesus brought me to Celebrate Recovery. Here I learned to tell myself the truth, but gently and in love. He made it safe for me to be honest, first with the Lord and then with others who were having the same issue. I'd spent so long wanting so desperately to be something I was terrified I couldn't ever be. That fear led to me pretending. I figured, fake it 'til ya make it, yeah? Except it didn't work. I turned into a shell of a person, talking out loud but living in secret. 

The Bible teaches us that we are only as sick as our secrets. If this is true (and it is) then no one ever gets anywhere by hiding. The freedom that Jesus Christ gives us is beyond measure. You don't have to pretend anymore to be someone you aren't because He makes you the person you are supposed to be. You don't have to do anything except trust and obey. In the end, dear friends, we do NOTHING. Christ does the work in you and through you... and you end up being more than you ever possibly imagined or wanted.

So if you want to stop hiding, and you want to stop pretending to be authentic and actually BE authentic, then I cannot stress this enough: Live in front of people. Live in front of people. 

This means trading in "I'm fine" for the truth. You don't have to explain every little detail to people. You just have to say, "God isn't finished with me yet." So you aren't fine... so what?! Do you think THEY are fine? So let them see! Let them see the good, the bad, the ugly, the weak, the strong, the conflicted, the terrible. This does not mean you live FOR others. It just means you live out loud. You will be judged, but you are being judged anyway. People will think things that aren't really true, but they think that anyway. Your honesty might make people mad, but that isn't on you, nor is it any of your business. Saying "I'm fine" when you aren't rarely fools people. It certainly doesn't fool God! He sees all your faults and issues anyway, and most of the time others do, too! So stop pretending. Stop hiding! 

Be who you are. All the time. In any given moment on any given day, be who you are. You don't have to be afraid of it. It will get messy, because life is just that way. It won't always be pretty. You won't always get it right, but you won't always get it wrong, either. Hypocrisy is not rooted in the gap between God's standard and how well we perform against that standard. Hypocrisy is rooted in denying that gap is there and trying to hide it from God and from others. Ergo, the antidote to hypocrisy is in admitting to that gap and trusting God to work it out as you obey. 

If you LIVE instead of hiding, it automatically and instantly doubles your chances for success in life and in all you undertake. Why? Because you are no longer invested in keeping up pretenses. If the truth is out, then the jig is up! Which means you don't have to be afraid, and hiding is no longer necessary. Your time and resources are freed up to pursue life, love and truth in reality, as they come, one day at a time. You get to the heart of it all much quicker if you aren't wasting time on things that aren't true and don't matter.

Here's the raw truth: The people around you will get WAY more out of watching you face, confront and work through a problem or conflict than if you pretend it isn't there. And so will you. They won't always like it, and they may give you a hard time about it. But they'll have to respect it. And in the end, you will respect yourself. There is no comparable measure for how incredible that feels, especially because it's not based on "they" but on "us" -- meaning, "me and God." And "they" can never take that away from you. 

No matter where you are, no matter what's going on, no matter how you feel or what is happening, good or bad... As best you can, try to stay in touch with where you are and who you are according to the LORD's leading and definition. If you go where HE says to go, then you will always be in the right place. If you obey Him and trust in who HE says you are, then you will always be the right person.

Ironically, all the things that are right and wonderful about you are not your gifts. Your greatest gifts, and mine, are the things that are wrong with you and, when those things are totally surrendered to the Lord, what He does with them for His own glory and to make us more like Him. The old adage is true: we learn more and grow more from our failures than our victories. In fact, one cannot truly be victorious unless one has first failed. And giving those failures to Christ changes the game! By all means, give God ALL of the glory when things are great and wonderful. But surrender the failures, too. When you give Christ all the things that do not work, do not fit in, do not blend, He will turn all of that into the very things that make you different and unique, that make you YOU. Only Christ can do this, and allowing Him to do so is your gift to Him and to the world around you.

THAT, my friends, is what it truly means to be a Christian! And what it means to be a balanced, well-rounded, ALIVE person… To live in front of people and allow them to see what only God can do with a life lived openly for and in Him.

One of the greatest things about life post-recovery that I get the most satisfaction out of is the continual opportunity for that emotional and cleansing exercise... Because I no longer pretend, I am no longer afraid. My life is lived as a string of moments, and sometimes those moments suck, quite frankly. But they are real, and every single one of them are learning experiences and building blocks that move me along in the right direction. Sometimes I enjoy the process, sometimes I don't. But I always consider that exercise to be a priceless investment in Christ, in life, in my family and in myself, one that produces true emotion, true thought, and a life that isn't perfect but is very much worth living. 

Jesus Has a Rocking Chair

(For Chandler Reid, 1988)

Jesus has a rocking chair
On which He sits with bended knee,

And all the children in Heaven

Come to sit in the lap of the King.

He plays with them, He sings to them,

He teaches them to pray.

They get personal attention from the Father

Each and every day…

Which they could have had from parents

Had they been given the chance to be born

But for the selfishness of a mother

Running from shame and scorn.

We kill our very own children

Who'd have called us "Mom" or "Dad."

Now they're with their eternal Father,

And of that we can be glad.

This child that I murdered,

This defenseless baby I mercilessly killed,

Now spends all her time with Jesus—  

Of Living Water, she gets her fill.

Do you know what He says to them?

Do you know what He tells them to do?

"My dear children, forgive them,

For they know not what they do…"

For to stand at the door

Of a clinic of death,

Denial must be in place;

Robbed of your God-given desire

To see your child's face…

"But I, Jesus, died for ALL sins;

No stone was left unturned.

My blood as Christ covers it all

With a love you cannot earn."

So the price is fully paid,

And because of His goodness and grace,

I look forward to holding my child in Heaven—  

To finally seeing her little face.

Yes, Jesus has a rocking chair.

And we can be sure, you see,

That all children go to Heaven

And sit atop His loving knee.

© 1995 Jenifer R. Barron

______________________________

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." (Deuteronomy 30:19)

The Unrecovered's Prayer

The Lord is my shepherd;

yet I am still in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

from which I constantly run.

He leads me beside quiet waters which leave me feeling uncomfortable,

for I prefer the noise of dangerous waters.

He restores my soul, which I continually damage with wrong choices.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake;

yet I'd rather take my own path of self-righteousness for my name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death by my own choosing,

I fear everything,

for though you are with me,

I do not trust you.

Your rod and your staff, they frustrate me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies,

and I am too busy in the kitchen to sit down.

You anoint my head with oil, and I'm concerned with how I look.

My cup overflows, and I am anxious if there will be enough for tomorrow.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,

and that's hard for me to accept.

I believe that dwelling in Your house forever

is for those who are more worthy than I.

Dear Lord, please help, for I am a mess!

Eli Machen

Life Matters

A VERY dear and wonderful friend of mine lost a close friend last week to cancer. My friend had basically been her friend's main caregiver for the last few years, but the activity kicked up about 10 notches in the last 6 months following the doctor's fatal diagnosis. "I'm sorry, there is nothing else we can do for you except to make you comfortable," are words no one wants to hear.

As you can imagine, my friend spent a great deal of time just talking to her sick friend about all kinds of things, and I know how difficult it was during this time. Yet she was incredibly brave and strong for her friend. And when she finally went Home, my friend handled everything like the champ she is. 

The following is an excerpt of writing by Michael Josephson. My friend chose this as one of the pieces that was read aloud at her friend's funeral, and she sent it to me today.

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and power will shrivel. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustration and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. In the end, it won’t matter where you came from or on what side of the tracks you lived. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will not be relevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not your success but your significance that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what. 

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

I shared the above piece of writing with you because a) it's really well-put and b) because I, too, attended a funeral this week (the grandmother of a coworker). As I sat during the eulogy service for this woman, I was awed by how many lives she had touched. So when I read the above excerpt from my friend, the words really stood out to me as I recalled listening just yesterday to how one woman lived her life in the exact way Josephson describes. Her life MATTERED. The evidence was in every laugh, every memory, every story shared by the people she personally touched. And not one single word spoken had anything to do with money or position or material things. All of these memories had to do with her sense of humor, her wit, her faith in the Lord and how she consistently asked about others and how they were doing in spite of how bad she was feeling.

I had never even heard this woman's name prior to attending her funeral. Yet the way she lived her life monumentally and directly impacted mine! Because she consciously chose to live in a way that MATTERED, she raised her children and grandchildren to live the same way. They grew up being taught how to live a life that matters, and as a result emulated her example, both personally and professionally. Because of this sweet lady, I (a total stranger) have a wonderful job working for a very cool boss who hires people and manages his team (MY team) according to this philosophy. So I sat there in the back of the service and said a little Thank You prayer to God for this woman whom I did not know but whose life had so clearly touched my own. She is greatly missed by those who did know her. Yet, like ripples moving across the water, she will live on through how those folks live because of the impact she had on them. And now she'll live on through me as well. 

The friend who sent Josephson's excerpt to me also lives this way. In fact, God has surrounded me with incredible people who all try and do this to some degree. My past is filled with time wasted on things that no longer matter, and I can't do anything about that. But what I CAN do is consciously choose to matter today.

If I can just do a mere fraction of what this woman, my precious friend and countless others God has placed in my path have done, then I will truly have lived a life that MATTERED... which it can only do as long as it glorifies Christ and makes a difference to others.

Who will remember you, and why? Choose to live a life that MATTERS! 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Lord, I pray for myself and for every person who reads this to give up and let go of all the little things we hold onto that, in the end, don't enrich our lives or help anyone. I pray that our eyes will be opened to the fact that every single thing we say or do resonates some sort of eternal chord. Whether or not that sound is cacophony or a sweet melody will come down to the decision we make about what really and truly MATTERS. It is my prayer that we will all come to the knowledge that nothing matters more than our relationship with YOU and whether or not we exhibited You to others by how we lived. Amen.

Rain

Courtesy of my friend Rachel.

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in WalMart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful, red-haired, freckle-faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there, under the awning, just inside the door of the WalMart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

Her little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, "Mom let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Let's run through the rain!" she repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied. This young child waited a minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain." "We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. "No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. "This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?" 

The little girl said, "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, He can get us through anything!'"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent... I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain... We all stood silently. No one left. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just need washing," Mom said. Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They got soaked. They were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. 

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

+++++++++++++++++

This makes me glad for all the times my children and I have played in the rain.

Unlearning

You might not know it to look at me, but I'm kind of a nerd. I love to learn. I am a serious bookworm and have a voracious appetite for books, poetry and great music. I used to read the dictionary and make up games to use the words I had learned (true story). I still do this to some extent, just in a more modern way. The most frequently used app on my iPhone isn't Facebook or ESPN Scorecenter—it's Dictionary.com! I love to learn new things, entertain new concepts, foster new ideas, etc. I HEART my Thesarus! It's not just about the words, though. Basically I just love a really good story.

But that's just me. People are as individual as snowflakes when it comes to personal interests. But whatever those may be, I've come to realize that we are in a constant state of learning. Everywhere, all the time. Whether you are even aware of it or not, it's happening. (Kinda like gravity, yeah?) This is more true today than ever before, since we live in a world where we're bombarded with information. Our brains are like little computers that are perpetually ingesting, processing, filing and using or discarding information. Even when we sleep, we are learning. Our subconscious is playing with concepts and ideas and working things out that don't always make it to the forefront of our consciousness.

So why am I writing about this? Because if learning is constantly happening, that means we are affected by every single thing we see, experience, hear, say, touch. Our environments, circumstances and the people surrounding us are shaping us. Constantly. Ergo, every single moment that passes has a profound (and inevitable) effect on our lives and who we are.

Why is this important? Because it means that one must be both aware and intentional about this learning process. Like everything else in life, learning can be good or bad. Since I was unaware of it for a long time, I let a lot of garbage into my mind and my heart. Once I did become aware of it, I thought that the awareness was enough. I left it unguarded, and just drifted through life, aimless, allowing things to just happen.  I thought I was "flexible." I was really just reckless.

The result of all this was me walking around with a head full of knowledge that was doing me no good at all. I had learned so many destructive patterns of thinking and behavior that there was no room left for anything else. I had a trail of destructive relationships with people who were still living rent-free in my head.

I ignorantly thought more learning was the answer. I relentlessly pursued more and more knowledge, thinking if I just learned the "right things" that I would be able to effect a more positive outcome. Um, yeah. That didn't work out so well. This pursuit of knowledge and all the things I learned sure kept my mind busy. But it didn't do diddly to help me get well. In fact, it just made it worse!

Knowledge is power. That's true. But I had to accept that my thirst for knowledge had merely become an attempt to exercise power where I felt powerless. And it wasn't working.

The process of recovery is as much about UNLEARNING as it is learning. I had to unlearn TONS of utter nonsense. As you grow closer to Jesus during the recovery process, He will begin to transform your mind, cleaning it out and replacing the bad stuff with HIS stuff. All the things I thought I knew were WRONG. In fact, all that "learning" was getting in the way of a better life and coming between me and Jesus. So the first year or so in recovery was more about me unlearning everything… And I DO mean everything!

When I began recovery, it was messy and imperfect. And rudimentary! It's funny to me now but at the time, I basically just did the exact opposite of whatever I would have said or done in the past. Literally! If I got up in the morning and went without thinking to my closet and grabbed a black pair of pants, I would stop, then reach for a white pair of shorts instead. I resisted what came naturally to me because I didn't know how to do it any other way!

I wanted to "do something different." But all I had to go on at first was all the wrong information I'd amassed over my lifetime. So my unlearning started out as just doing the opposite of what I knew until I learned enough right stuff to replace it.

God was able to lessen the extremes of this along the way. But the real learning in recovery didn't happen until I was willing to UNLEARN first. When I stopped analyzing everything to death and trying to find an explanation for everything and just started LIVING THE PRINCIPLES of recovery, things started making sense. When I began to actually live the steps and principles of recovery in my day-to-day life, that is when I truly started to change.

My point is this: It takes faith to change. Faith isn't about what you KNOW, it's about what you BELIEVE. And what you are "learning" at every moment is shaping what you believe. Recovery and a true relationship with Jesus isn't a head thing. It's a heart thing… Faith. The craziest thing about faith is that when you are living it, it doesn't FEEL like faith! But every time you take a step that you wouldn't have ordinarily and take Jesus at His word, that is exactly what faith really is. (I had to unlearn that, too.)

Recovery helped me unlearn the things of my past so that I could live in the present and have a future to look forward to. And I choose to try and stay as aware and intentional in the learning as I can. I try my best to take GREAT care in choosing what people are in my life, what circumstances and situations I allow in, and try to channel every single moment of it toward the Lord. Occasionally there are times when I run into some illusion or notion I didn't even know I had, and I have to unlearn it. Then Jesus can teach me something that has real value in my life.

As usual, life and recovery and all of it are what you make of it. Garbage in, garbage out. Or, JESUS in, JESUS out! Don't sit idly by and allow yourself to learn whatever the world or life wants to teach you. Actively participate in the learning process and channel where it goes. Decide what you want to learn, and take steps to make that happen! In most cases, that intentional awareness will require you to see what you need to UNLEARN first!

What things are in your life today that you might need to UNLEARN?

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward." (Soren Kierkegaard)
"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest." (Jesus Christ)

"Turn Our Eyes Away"

This song is hauntingly beautiful. It's by Trent Dabbs, with Ruby Amanfu... To me, it speaks poignantly and honestly of the struggle we all face in life, while leaving a little room for some hope... Ultimately, we all come to a point where we must turn our eyes away from what we have known and from the various paths we've all taken, and look to some One greater than ourselves to save us (since we have zero hope of saving ourselves). I don't have any idea what Trent and Ruby had in mind when they wrote this song, but it's an undeniable fact that what they describe can apply to anyone. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and that it will inspire you to turn to God today.

I'm a broken soul
I'm an open book 

With many torn out pages
And I walk through fire
But I thirst for truth
For what I've never tasted
And it calls to me again
The comfort of the sin

Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
From this path we've taken
Washing clean our faces
Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
Leaning on the hope that
One day even we
Oh one day even we
Will be saved

I got a war inside
With a flag in hand
I'll wait to cry surrender
While the pride in me
Is fighting who I am
Why is it that I linger?
I guess every man decides
To take or save a life 

Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
From this path we've taken
Washing clean our faces
Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
Leaning on the hope that
One day even we
Oh one day even we
Will be saved

Ohhh

Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
From this path we've taken
Washing clean our faces
Turn our eyes away
Turn our eyes away
Leaning on the hope that
One day even we
Oh one day even we
Will be saved

One day even we
Will be saved

(P.S. Some of you get emails whenever I publish a blog, and if you do, then the video mayn't show up. Here's the link to see it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xThEAs-K9U)