I love the show "So You Think You Can Dance" (SYTYCD). I posted another blog from the last season where two of the dancers did a piece choreographed by Mia Michaels about addiction. It was very powerful.
This piece is about fear and overcoming it... Very visual depiction of how fear attacks us and attaches itself to us in our every day life... It was choreographed by Stacy Tookey, another of my favorite choreographers, and performed by Kathryn & Legacy.
In recovery they teach you that real change doesn't occur until the pain outweighs the fear... meaning, that until it hurts bad enough, most of us will stay stuck in what seems familiar to us because we are too afraid of doing something different. This piece was very moving to me because I've spent the last 9 months overcoming my fears... and it's working! I've been able to face things I've held onto for the last 2 or 3 decades. Amazing how when you finally embrace the truth and own your choices, you get better at an eerily fast pace!
Enjoy this. I sure did. And as you watch it, try and picture yourself facing and overcoming the things that most hold you back, the things and people you are most afraid of... I love how at the end she pushes her fear completely down. The song is "2 Steps Away" by Patti LaBelle.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Slow Fade
I heard this song for the first time tonight (11/6/09) at recovery. I was moved to tears. It is SO TRUE. We all have found ourselves in situations that SEEM to be suddenly intense and we think, "How on earth did I get here???" It's because we make these tiny, seemingly insignificant decisions every day that, over time, snowball into the catastrophies in which we often find ourselves.
Really made me think. It's based on the children's song I remember learning in Sunday School... If you really want to be moved, watch the video through til the end when the little girl sings...
Read the lyric. Watch the video and listen to the song. Incredibly insightful depiction of how the defining moments in our lives are precipitated by a series of many other moments that led us to the place where we had to make a choice. "People never crumble in a day... It's a slow fade..."
SLOW FADE
By Casting Crowns
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands
as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you
that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade
when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade,
choices are made,
a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade,
It's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise,
the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises
lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade
when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade,
choices are made,
a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day...
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade
when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade,
choices are made,
a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above
is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Really made me think. It's based on the children's song I remember learning in Sunday School... If you really want to be moved, watch the video through til the end when the little girl sings...
Read the lyric. Watch the video and listen to the song. Incredibly insightful depiction of how the defining moments in our lives are precipitated by a series of many other moments that led us to the place where we had to make a choice. "People never crumble in a day... It's a slow fade..."
SLOW FADE
By Casting Crowns
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands
as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you
that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade
when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade,
choices are made,
a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade,
It's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise,
the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises
lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade
when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade,
choices are made,
a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day...
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade
when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade
when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade,
choices are made,
a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above
is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Truth & Consequences
The time comes when you have to make amends for the mistakes you have made and the pain you have caused others. Sometimes this is a smooth process. Sometimes, not so much. But it's necessary to truly healing and getting on with the business of life. There is much to be gained and learned from telling someone, "I'm sorry."
Overall, I think I'm pretty good at this. (In my own humble opinion, ha.) I've lived long enough to know that a) the truth ALWAYS comes out, and b) the longer one avoids or denies, the bigger the issue will become. Best to get it over with. So I really do try to be quick to see when I'm wrong and admit it. Which only makes my conviction and passion for when I'm right even stronger... no guilt hanging over my head.
Today, I received a terrible gift. Sounds oxymoronic, I know. But I spoke with someone at length who is very important to me, and who has done more to influence my life than just about any other person I know. Almost every good thing about me can be traced back, to some degree, to my association and relationship with him.
Short story long, he is one of my oldest, dearest, most treasured and trusted friends. We dated years back. And I HURT him. Horrifically. Bad enough that it still affects him to this day. Granted, I was one sick puppy when I acted a fool. But that doesn't make it any less ok... The way I hurt him, when he was the only person who'd ever believed in me, is, to this day, one of my biggest and ugliest regrets.
The gift is that I get to talk to him at all. That I get to call him friend is nothing short of a miracle. Only God can do something like that and I am IMMENSELY grateful for his friendship. He has truly forgiven me, is proud of the person I am becoming, and still--wonder of wonders--believes in me.
The terrible part is twofold: one, to hear the pain in his voice, that I PUT THERE, still tears me up. This is the one person who, in all my life, never did ANYTHING to hurt me, ALWAYS has my back and never gave up on the way he saw me through God's eyes. I certainly never did anything to deserve that kind of loyalty. But that is just who he is. It's bad enough when you hurt anyone. But to hurt someone who's never done anything but love you, well... let's just say I'm deeply ashamed. And it HURTS to hear him hurt!
Two, it is terrible to know that there is not one thing I can do to make it ok. I can apologize and ask for forgiveness, which he graciously granted. I can answer his questions and explain, to the best of my ability and understanding, WITHOUT making excuses, what was going on in my heart and head to have hurt him like that. And I'm sure that helps, a least a little bit. But it doesn't take it away. It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't bring back what could have been.
That's why I call it a terrible gift. It's terrible in that I hurt another human being in whom I hold the HIGHEST possible regard. And trust me, folks, he has EARNED it, and I can count on one hand and have plenty of fingers left over the number of men I can say that about!
The gift part, though, is the part to hold onto... because after all that has happened and all the time that has passed, he is still my friend. Not because he is a sucker; I couldn't dupe him if I tried, even if I wanted to! But because he sees--I mean truly SEES me--the way God does. I am grateful, humbled and just outright HONORED that he is proud of me. Every time I gain ground, tack up another victory or get it right, he cheers the loudest. He holds me to the truth, so he doesn't sugarcoat the effect I had on his heart and his life. But because he is the GODLY man that he is... he forgives, he rejoices and he is happy that I am finally coming into the vision of the woman he always knew I could be.
Decisions have consequences. I will have to live with the consequences of the dumbass I was for the rest of my life. But Truth and a genuine heart for Christ and for each other has allowed us to become true friends and brother/sister in Christ. I could hardly ask for more than that!
Thank you, Lord, that You are faithful to restore the years that the locusts have eaten, to reconcile us to You and to each other and for giving us an enternal perspective that allows us to see past ourselves and out into the world at others through Your eyes. Amen.
Overall, I think I'm pretty good at this. (In my own humble opinion, ha.) I've lived long enough to know that a) the truth ALWAYS comes out, and b) the longer one avoids or denies, the bigger the issue will become. Best to get it over with. So I really do try to be quick to see when I'm wrong and admit it. Which only makes my conviction and passion for when I'm right even stronger... no guilt hanging over my head.
Today, I received a terrible gift. Sounds oxymoronic, I know. But I spoke with someone at length who is very important to me, and who has done more to influence my life than just about any other person I know. Almost every good thing about me can be traced back, to some degree, to my association and relationship with him.
Short story long, he is one of my oldest, dearest, most treasured and trusted friends. We dated years back. And I HURT him. Horrifically. Bad enough that it still affects him to this day. Granted, I was one sick puppy when I acted a fool. But that doesn't make it any less ok... The way I hurt him, when he was the only person who'd ever believed in me, is, to this day, one of my biggest and ugliest regrets.
The gift is that I get to talk to him at all. That I get to call him friend is nothing short of a miracle. Only God can do something like that and I am IMMENSELY grateful for his friendship. He has truly forgiven me, is proud of the person I am becoming, and still--wonder of wonders--believes in me.
The terrible part is twofold: one, to hear the pain in his voice, that I PUT THERE, still tears me up. This is the one person who, in all my life, never did ANYTHING to hurt me, ALWAYS has my back and never gave up on the way he saw me through God's eyes. I certainly never did anything to deserve that kind of loyalty. But that is just who he is. It's bad enough when you hurt anyone. But to hurt someone who's never done anything but love you, well... let's just say I'm deeply ashamed. And it HURTS to hear him hurt!
Two, it is terrible to know that there is not one thing I can do to make it ok. I can apologize and ask for forgiveness, which he graciously granted. I can answer his questions and explain, to the best of my ability and understanding, WITHOUT making excuses, what was going on in my heart and head to have hurt him like that. And I'm sure that helps, a least a little bit. But it doesn't take it away. It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't bring back what could have been.
That's why I call it a terrible gift. It's terrible in that I hurt another human being in whom I hold the HIGHEST possible regard. And trust me, folks, he has EARNED it, and I can count on one hand and have plenty of fingers left over the number of men I can say that about!
The gift part, though, is the part to hold onto... because after all that has happened and all the time that has passed, he is still my friend. Not because he is a sucker; I couldn't dupe him if I tried, even if I wanted to! But because he sees--I mean truly SEES me--the way God does. I am grateful, humbled and just outright HONORED that he is proud of me. Every time I gain ground, tack up another victory or get it right, he cheers the loudest. He holds me to the truth, so he doesn't sugarcoat the effect I had on his heart and his life. But because he is the GODLY man that he is... he forgives, he rejoices and he is happy that I am finally coming into the vision of the woman he always knew I could be.
Decisions have consequences. I will have to live with the consequences of the dumbass I was for the rest of my life. But Truth and a genuine heart for Christ and for each other has allowed us to become true friends and brother/sister in Christ. I could hardly ask for more than that!
Thank you, Lord, that You are faithful to restore the years that the locusts have eaten, to reconcile us to You and to each other and for giving us an enternal perspective that allows us to see past ourselves and out into the world at others through Your eyes. Amen.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Reality bites... or does it?
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
We’ve all heard this quoted many times. Only we don’t live by it. For me, I lived my entire life based on the scenarios and alternate realities I created in my head. We’ve
Making it up as I went along is the biggest reason I ended up in recovery—because I was in such denial about the reality of my life that I mistakenly thought I could create another in my head and live there. From the tender age as a child when I could first reason at all, my reality was so ugly, so horrific, so painful, that I did what many of us do and tried to escape to places in my head, or in patterns of behavior that helped me survive the moment but turned much later into the destructive patterns that almost destroyed my life. I chose unconsciously at first and then at some point on a conscious level, to base my decisions on what I wanted things to be or hoped they could be rather than on what they actually were. I did it in all my relationships and in any situation that didn’t fit my sick world view. I lied to myself every day when I looked in the mirror. And I got SO good at it that I totally lost who I was, and began believing the fiction that was going on in my head. Living that way for a long time, I denied the truth every day, and after a while I couldn’t recognize the truth anymore.
After all, the biggest lies we ever hear are the ones we tell ourselves.
Yet I didn’t see it; the people in my life who KNOW ME and love me and wanted me to be okay tried to tell me for the longest time that I’d lost my mind, that they didn’t know who I was anymore. Which, of course, made me very angry and I fought them tooth and nail because I’m stubborn and rebellious and hard-headed. I got SO
Fast forward 20 years. Things go from bad to worse, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse—well it could and it DID. And I was shocked every time. I didn’t get it! NOTHING ever seemed to turn out right, especially in my “love life.” And still, I was just fine, thank you very much.
Seared into my brain is the moment, as a full-grown adult, that the total, undeniable, tragic realization overtook me that I was NOT fine, thank you very much… that I was one sick puppy. That all this freedom I thought I had wasn’t real—that I was in fact an utter slave to things I hadn’t even REMEMBERED happened to me. Can you possibly picture what that felt like? To realize that things I didn’t even remember and some that I did had been controlling me for so long that everything I thought I’d attained and accomplished was all a lie??? My life had blown up in my face… I’d hurt every single person I’d ever claimed to love or give a crap about. In other words… I’ll never forget the moment that reality—not MY reality, but THE reality—came crashing down on my head. I was sick and I needed help. First reaction was to do what I’d always done—hide, play the ostrich, make excuses… but I couldn’t. Finally, I’d hit the proverbial rock bottom. And let me tell ya, it SUCKED.
But in that moment, I knew the truth… and while it HURT and it SUCKED and it said NOTHING good about me at all… set me free is exactly what it did. In that moment, I was able to drop the chains that had bound me for so long and let go of all the weight of trying to mask it hide it deny it escape it medicate it etc. I’d been a Christian for almost 15 years… and I’d made HORRIBLE decisions, going further as a believer over lines I wouldn’t have dreamed of crossing before I knew who God was. I loved the Lord, knew I was going to Heaven, yet I was faced with the full reality of what happens when you try to create your own truth instead of living by The Truth. Because The Truth is absolute; it’s not relative, situational or subjective. It’s a firm, set line, and you are either on the right side of it or you’re not. There is a fence, a boundary, in this life, whether we want to accept it or not. And that in and of itself was my whole problem; I refused to accept The Truth.
But the gospel is the GOOD news, not the bad news! Unfortunately, the things that cause us the most grief, the most pain, the most insanity, in life are NOT the things we don’t know about—it’s the things we excuse, justify, ignore or deny. True victims are very rare; most of the time (and for me it’s at least 9 times out of 10) the things that hurt me the most were NOT because I didn’t know the right thing to do. It was because, when faced with a reality, it was too hard, not what I wanted, not “my fault,” or not fair—something I didn’t want to face.
The good news is that even if you are on the wrong side of The Truth, once you know it and FACE IT, you finally know where you are. And knowing where you are and keeping that in plain sight will help you get to where you want to be. Because denying reality, especially if you do it as long as I did, never works—even if it gets you what you THINK you want for the moment, it never lasts and always blows up in your face. Living in alternate realities means you totally lose yourself, lost in lies and never really knowing where you are… you slip into insanity because you can no longer trust your own mind, which means you can’t trust anyone else either… making up “reality” as you go along means there are no boundaries, no way to know what’s real and what isn’t.
It’s a sick, sad, effed
Recently, I looked up this verse and I read the context of it. It’s from the gospel of John. Jesus is speaking to the Jews. I put it here for you now; possibly you will see right off the bat what I failed to see for so, so long.
(From John 8, NIV translation)
(31) To the Jews who had believed Him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. (32)Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
(33) They answered Him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”
(34) Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. (35) Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. (36) So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Jesus was talking to people who knew better than anyone the prophecies about Him. They were God’s chosen people. So when the Messiah showed up on the scene they should have been the first to know that God was on hand to fulfill His promises to them. And what did they do? They were the FIRST to deny Him! Many to this day STILL deny Him. And that is their prerogative. But notice what He says, to the Jews who believed Him: “If you hold to my teachings, you are really my disciples… THEN you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Did you notice the word THEN? How often have we all heard that verse quoted? And almost every time, the THEN is left out. And leaving that one word out is a perfect example of what I'm talking about, a denial of reality. Because THEN is a cause/effect term. It means there is something that comes before the rest of the statement. THEN means there are terms to be met before we can understand the rest of what’s being said. In this context, it means the only way to know truth and to subsequently be set free is to hold to what The Truth teaches and be disciples of it. Then, and ONLY then, will we really know the truth and be set free by it. When we don’t, we THINK we are free—we think that not being accountable, not having to answer to anyone, doing whatever we want, is freedom. That is simply not true. We are NOT free. We are, by the very nature of disobedience and denial, slaves to the very things we want SO BADLY to escape from! But so many of us want freedom yet are totally unwilling to do the work and make the sacrifices that
M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, also wrote a book called, The People of the Lie. And in that book he gives a definition of mental health that I love and that has served me well down this new road I’m traveling. He defines mental health as the ongoing process to dedication to reality at all costs. Meaning, in every given moment in any given situation, TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH, no matter what it costs you in terms of pain, pride or loss. If you do that, and you KEEP doing that, then no matter what may befall you (because life can be very hard, we must all admit) you can never be overtaken by lies. And while there may be pain and suffering and trials and tribulations that must be endured, you will get through it quicker and faster if you base your life on absolute truth.
We deny reality and make up our own truths because we want to avoid going through something—pain, the end of something, facing ourselves, whatever. But the only way OUT of anything is to go THROUGH it. So why not get through something painful much quicker and have that healing LAST by just dealing with it? Embrace the truth. Face it head on. OWN it, deal with it, ACCEPT it and take your lumps like a good soldier. Then you can truly move on. Otherwise, not only will the
“Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”
Go forth, my friends, and live life in reality. Do yourself a favor and tell yourself the truth, at all times. Trust me, life is MUCH EASIER this way. Reality may bite; in my experience, it always does. But lies, denial, deception… the bite from these is MUCH worse. I’ll take truth any day over alternate reality, because TRUTH is something I can live by and it never changes. It helps me, it doesn’t harm me, it keeps me sane and it NEVER bites as bad as the consequences from denying it do. Looking at it that way, reality bites but at least it heals. That’s a bite I can live with.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
CHROME
Someone sent me this song today. It's perfectly written, perfectly performed and it just moves me. It's SO me. Maybe it's you, too... It's a great song about the choppy waters that love and relationships can be.
CHROME
by Matthew Ryan
It's not the things that I can't change that bother me
It's not the things that I don't know that undermine me
It's not the thing that I can't hold or the balancing wire that broke that throws me
It's not the fact that you walked out that bewilders me
It's not the sleep that I can't steal that wires me
It's not the coffee or the pills
It's not this space that I can't fill
That kills me
Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned but it's still willing to try
And shine
It's not the drunks and their devices that provoke me
It's not the politics of love and distance and all that that shit evokes in me
It's not the Sunday morning fights or this soul on ice that numbs me
It's not the passing of another Indian summer that saddens me
It's not the shutter in the undertow that bears down on me
It's not everything ending as it begins
Or the loneliness that grins
That destroys me
Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned but it's still willing to try
And shine
CHROME
by Matthew Ryan
It's not the things that I can't change that bother me
It's not the things that I don't know that undermine me
It's not the thing that I can't hold or the balancing wire that broke that throws me
It's not the fact that you walked out that bewilders me
It's not the sleep that I can't steal that wires me
It's not the coffee or the pills
It's not this space that I can't fill
That kills me
Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned but it's still willing to try
And shine
It's not the drunks and their devices that provoke me
It's not the politics of love and distance and all that that shit evokes in me
It's not the Sunday morning fights or this soul on ice that numbs me
It's not the passing of another Indian summer that saddens me
It's not the shutter in the undertow that bears down on me
It's not everything ending as it begins
Or the loneliness that grins
That destroys me
Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned but it's still willing to try
And shine
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Brokenness
Life is a series of lessons... some learned easy, some learned hard. But you don't get to be my age without having some stories to tell. Let's face it: I'm in recovery because I am broken.
When I say broken, I DO mean broken. As in, shattered, splintered, effed all the way up. When I first started recovery, I was an utter mess. I had good reason to be, too. I've been through a LOT of crap. And I have spent the majority of my life using that crap as a crutch to do a lot of stupid, selfish sh&%. And boo hoo, right? Cuz we ALL have crap to overcome.
I posted a blog yesterday entitled, "Why Guys Dump Girls They're Into." It's basically a reposting of my friend's written responses to an article someone sent him. Go back and read it if you haven't... he's awesome. Anyway, something he said in one of his responses really made me stop and think:
I was briefly married during the worst four years of my life. I tried to help three different people that couldn’t even help themselves. So I responded by spending a few years being incredibly selfish. The most selfish I have been in my entire life. I dated many women and it always ended when they wanted more. I justified my rude and inappropriate behavior by stating up front to each of them where I was and what I could offer and nothing more. After coming to my senses and taking a self-implemented sabbatical from dating, I went back and apologized to most of them. I am friends with most of my ex-girlfriends and many of my flings. I genuinely liked them and I still do. I truly believe we all deserve to be treated with respect.
This response and in particular, the highlighted lines, REALLY made me think. Because I have soooooo done that. And I've had it done to me more times than I can count...
I'm changing that about myself. It makes me sick. It's not that I didn't care about others in any given situation; it's that I was so narcissistic I couldn't see past the nose on my face. I cared about me more. I led people on and let them think what they wanted... Instead of dealing with my stuff, I grabbed for what I could and drug others along for the ride with me. And I justified it all by being "honest" and openly admitting my brokenness up front, like a disclaimer: play at your own risk.
Well guess what? BROKENNESS IS NOT A GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARD. IT MATTERS how you treat people. I can SAY all day long that I don't want a commitment, I don't want to be tied down, I'm not ready for anything heavy... blah blah blah whatever the phraseology is. But if I am spending time with someone, saying sweet nothings, sleeping with them, etc. etc., then it doesn't matter what I SAY. Because my ACTIONS say different. And it is NOT OKAY to play with people like that.
EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect. And if I'm not in a place where I can make the promises that come UNSPOKEN BUT BY DEFAULT when I spend time with someone, say sweet nothings, sleep with them, etc. etc., then I should keep my happy ass to myself. In other words, if I'm playing like I am committed but can't back it up with the real thing, I have no business being there. And NEWS FLASH: sleeping with someone is a commitment, or it should be. I feel very sorry for you if it isn't.
The interactions and relationships between people are real because feelings get involved. People's hearts and minds and dreams get involved. If you have kids, they get involved whether you like it or not because YOU are involved, and they are affected by any and everything that affects YOU.
So me making clear to someone up front that I am "broken" and "not available for commitment" doesn't justify all the pain I cause them by getting all the fringe benefits of a commitment without accepting the responsibility of it. And to act otherwise is not only immature and irresponsible, it's utterly pathetic.
And now that I'm on this side of the fence, having been both the perpetrator and the victim of such erroneous thinking, I get REALLY PISSED when I see this happening or someone is trying to pull this b.s. on me. Listen up folks: brokenness is NOT an excuse for selfish, shady, deplorable, stupid behavior. And that "honesty" on the front end about being broken does NOT absolve you of guilt. And if you act like it does, boy... are you in for a RUDE awakening. Because God just will not be mocked, period. And you will get everything back that you put into this life. If you believe nothing else I say, you can count on that.
If you are using your brokenness as an excuse to treat people badly, that kind of thinking may help you sleep at night for now... but watch out, cuz you can only get away with that for so long... and when your deeds finally find you out and your past catches up to you, it will ROYALLY SUCK.
It's just not as hard as I used to think it was to show basic respect to people. And I'm finding it's a little easier to trust than it used to be because I HAVE BECOME TRUSTWORTHY. I don't use, lie to, manipulate, take advantage of or screw over people I'm supposed to care about or be friends with. It's done wonders for improving my quality of life.
I know MANY people who should try it.
All in all, if you are broken, like me, there is good news: YOU CAN BE FIXED. All it takes is a little determination, a little bit of faith and some elbow grease. If you don't like who you are, CHANGE IT. Turn it over to the Lord and DO THE WORK. It's most definitely worth it! Because God's specialty is using broken people!
In the meantime, I know lots of folks will probably read this and immediately think I'm talking about them specifically because, LOL, I've been given this excuse several times by several different people. Well guess what? I AM talking about you. Because it's true of ALL OF US, or has been. Don't be chicken! OWN IT!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Why Guys Dump Girls, by a guy
My friend, Trey, was sent an article and he responded to it and sent it to me. This guy has learned the value of basic respect for another human being and I am happy to know him. I won't spoil it by saying anything else. Read for yourself. Do, however, pay special attention to the second paragraph of his response to point #4. I even highlighted it for you!
And thank you, Trey, not only for sending this to me, but for being someone of character.
=============================
Recently a friend sent me the article below and asked my opinion. First, I will not express my opinion of the source (Cosmopolitan). Secondly, I am very curious why no credit was given to the writer. Was it really a man that penned this piece? It was obviously a man so why not take credit for informing the confused female masses!?
Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig
Nothing is more upsetting than when a guy you darn well know is into you pulls the plug.
Now that you know what we will be simmering on, below are the article and my personal experiences and opinions to supplement.
**Don’t be overwhelmed by the length of this post. I promise it is an easy and worth while read.**
My initial reaction was, ‘That kind of honesty must sting a little.” I am old enough to have completed this checklist myself. It is not a proud statement but since I started dating the combination inexperience and stubbornness has allowed me to make my fair share of mistakes.
As we get older, men either get set in our ways since we have spent most of our lives single or we have already been down that road of failed relationships and any signs of returning to that state are damn scary.
Chances are that you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the heck just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship.
So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.
1. The Timing Is Off
Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).
But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt — like Patrick,* 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."
Agreed. I have spent most of my life thinking that there is a specific order to completing the puzzle of life. Equation (in order): Career + respect + money + love = happiness. I have had little success with any of these variables and I am sure now that there is no perfect or specific formula to happiness when you seek it externally.
Anyway, it is our role as men to have a career and be able to provide the shelter financially, physically and emotionally to the women we care about. I killed a relationship by crawling into the hole of self-inadequacy. How and why would a woman stay with me when I had a low paying struggling artistic career that might not ever pay off with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Well, the answer was that I was with the wrong person. Women that truly love us understand and accept us as we are. You can spend the rest of your life attempting to mold a good man into the perfect one. If you succeed he will no longer be the man you fell in love with. Yes timing is huge but it is not everything. If you believe everything happens for a reason, in hindsight you will always be validated.
On another note but still timing related…We all know men mature later than women. I hate to remind you women but that biological clock doesn't help the timing issues. Don’t even try to deny it. You might disarm the bomb but you all harbor it from birth until your mission is fulfilled or the bomb squad dismantled the self-destruct mode. Men want children or they don’t. So we find women like-minded or date younger women that don’t yet have 'baby on the brain'. Since this is all unsettling information and you are already thinking the worst of men I will add this: younger women might be ‘hotter’ but nothing replaces experience and maturity. Men only date younger women for sex or to allow themselves to feel younger, not for their conversation skills. Sex is great but if you can't talk before or after you might as well get a hooker and pay her to leave.
2. We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new hot chick, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."
In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women."
Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our sexual checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.
Yes, the grass is always greener when we are looking through a fence. But at the same time when we spend our time drooling over the next pasture we allow the current one to die from neglect. You can’t expect a perfect pasture without tending to the crop.
Now, in a contradictory statement all men know that no matter how beautiful, successful, wild, sweet, funny, sexy, loyal, etc a woman is, there is always a man (or woman) that is tired of her. Statistically speaking, most relationships fail. That means, women that we could not have then, maybe we can now or next week or next month and so on. If we stay single long enough we will find the perfect women and be with many 'not so perfect' ones along the way. I know it sounds horrible.
Secondly, I am a firm believer that numbers are irrelevant and that nothing can come of divulging or even keeping a mental or physical list of sexual partners. Again, nothing good can come of this. Who you were or who you were with means nothing now. Your experiences make you who you are. The present and the future mean more than the past because you can’t change the past.
3. We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single guys are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road.
Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds, want sex only once a month and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things we're scared might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a saucy little minx, I freak out and bail."
Pick your battles. Most arguments are over miniscule things that only affect your life at that moment. We fight change more than women, especially the older we get and the longer we live our lives on our terms. So please go easy on us. Don’t tell us what to do. Request politely a few times before you get upset because we did not buy the expensive toilet paper or forgot to take out the trash. We are task oriented most of the time and sometimes our minds jump from task to task, ‘take out the trash to football to the deadline at work to the weather and back to what…what was I supposed to do?’ Remember if you can convince a man that your idea was his, he will do anything you want.
I call it the Seinfeld Syndrome. When you are looking for perfection you will never find it. Whether it is ‘Man Hands’, hairy arms, cankles, large nose, small ears, a cackle laugh, a lisp, etc…you can always talk yourself out of investing time in someone. Yes, we want to see a photo of your mother to predict your physical future. I know, ‘All men are assholes!’. Not true, we all have asshole tendencies. To be fair I think all men have the asshole gene and women have the bitch gene and at some point we all need to use them…in self preservation situations.
4. We’re in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.
So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."
I have a friend that always says, “It’s always worth a story.” Sure we often jump before we think. But I think we choose right away what category of women we are jumping into a situation with. We know pretty quickly if it is for fun, sex or relationship. Come on, potential is great because if you don’t use it you still have it. Most often we fall out of love instead of from like to love. So to me, potential means nothing, ‘show me the money!’ Although, I am not saying it is impossible. My mother always said a relationship is like building a house. The foundation is friendship. You can build a beautiful, enormous, elaborate home but if the foundation is bad the house caves in.
Yes, sometimes we allow the roots of a relationship even knowing in end the plant may live but the flowers will always die. I was briefly married during the worst four years of my life. I tried to help three different people that couldn’t even help themselves. So I responded by spending a few years being incredibly selfish. The most selfish I have been in my entire life. I dated many women and it always ended when they wanted more. I justified my rude and inappropriate behavior by stating up front to each of them where I was and what I could offer and nothing more. After coming to my senses and taking a self-implemented sabbatical from dating, I went back and apologized to most of them. I am friends with most of my ex-girlfriends and many of my flings. I genuinely liked them and I still do. I truly believe we all deserve to be treated with respect. [bolding mine]
5. We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared spitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first.
For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"
Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.
No one likes rejection. Although I have done it, I call bullshit. We need to grow up and communicate. Why waste anyone’s time? Life is short. Be open. Be honest. Dating is a process. I think we all take it too personally. The best part of dating is getting to know someone. Respect yourself and others. You get back what you put out there. It is easier to recognize problems and issues early on and tackle them or move on. The longer we invest the longer the recovery and the worse the pain. I don’t know about you but I have had enough pain and heartbreak. I am not saying pull the rip cord as soon as she sees a hole in your armor or the little man behind the curtain. However, if you never let go you will never know.
by Trey Mitchell and Unknown
And thank you, Trey, not only for sending this to me, but for being someone of character.
=============================
Recently a friend sent me the article below and asked my opinion. First, I will not express my opinion of the source (Cosmopolitan). Secondly, I am very curious why no credit was given to the writer. Was it really a man that penned this piece? It was obviously a man so why not take credit for informing the confused female masses!?
Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig
Nothing is more upsetting than when a guy you darn well know is into you pulls the plug.
Now that you know what we will be simmering on, below are the article and my personal experiences and opinions to supplement.
**Don’t be overwhelmed by the length of this post. I promise it is an easy and worth while read.**
My initial reaction was, ‘That kind of honesty must sting a little.” I am old enough to have completed this checklist myself. It is not a proud statement but since I started dating the combination inexperience and stubbornness has allowed me to make my fair share of mistakes.
As we get older, men either get set in our ways since we have spent most of our lives single or we have already been down that road of failed relationships and any signs of returning to that state are damn scary.
Chances are that you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the heck just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship.
So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.
1. The Timing Is Off
Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).
But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt — like Patrick,* 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."
Agreed. I have spent most of my life thinking that there is a specific order to completing the puzzle of life. Equation (in order): Career + respect + money + love = happiness. I have had little success with any of these variables and I am sure now that there is no perfect or specific formula to happiness when you seek it externally.
Anyway, it is our role as men to have a career and be able to provide the shelter financially, physically and emotionally to the women we care about. I killed a relationship by crawling into the hole of self-inadequacy. How and why would a woman stay with me when I had a low paying struggling artistic career that might not ever pay off with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Well, the answer was that I was with the wrong person. Women that truly love us understand and accept us as we are. You can spend the rest of your life attempting to mold a good man into the perfect one. If you succeed he will no longer be the man you fell in love with. Yes timing is huge but it is not everything. If you believe everything happens for a reason, in hindsight you will always be validated.
On another note but still timing related…We all know men mature later than women. I hate to remind you women but that biological clock doesn't help the timing issues. Don’t even try to deny it. You might disarm the bomb but you all harbor it from birth until your mission is fulfilled or the bomb squad dismantled the self-destruct mode. Men want children or they don’t. So we find women like-minded or date younger women that don’t yet have 'baby on the brain'. Since this is all unsettling information and you are already thinking the worst of men I will add this: younger women might be ‘hotter’ but nothing replaces experience and maturity. Men only date younger women for sex or to allow themselves to feel younger, not for their conversation skills. Sex is great but if you can't talk before or after you might as well get a hooker and pay her to leave.
2. We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new hot chick, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."
In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women."
Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our sexual checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.
Yes, the grass is always greener when we are looking through a fence. But at the same time when we spend our time drooling over the next pasture we allow the current one to die from neglect. You can’t expect a perfect pasture without tending to the crop.
Now, in a contradictory statement all men know that no matter how beautiful, successful, wild, sweet, funny, sexy, loyal, etc a woman is, there is always a man (or woman) that is tired of her. Statistically speaking, most relationships fail. That means, women that we could not have then, maybe we can now or next week or next month and so on. If we stay single long enough we will find the perfect women and be with many 'not so perfect' ones along the way. I know it sounds horrible.
Secondly, I am a firm believer that numbers are irrelevant and that nothing can come of divulging or even keeping a mental or physical list of sexual partners. Again, nothing good can come of this. Who you were or who you were with means nothing now. Your experiences make you who you are. The present and the future mean more than the past because you can’t change the past.
3. We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single guys are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road.
Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds, want sex only once a month and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things we're scared might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a saucy little minx, I freak out and bail."
Pick your battles. Most arguments are over miniscule things that only affect your life at that moment. We fight change more than women, especially the older we get and the longer we live our lives on our terms. So please go easy on us. Don’t tell us what to do. Request politely a few times before you get upset because we did not buy the expensive toilet paper or forgot to take out the trash. We are task oriented most of the time and sometimes our minds jump from task to task, ‘take out the trash to football to the deadline at work to the weather and back to what…what was I supposed to do?’ Remember if you can convince a man that your idea was his, he will do anything you want.
I call it the Seinfeld Syndrome. When you are looking for perfection you will never find it. Whether it is ‘Man Hands’, hairy arms, cankles, large nose, small ears, a cackle laugh, a lisp, etc…you can always talk yourself out of investing time in someone. Yes, we want to see a photo of your mother to predict your physical future. I know, ‘All men are assholes!’. Not true, we all have asshole tendencies. To be fair I think all men have the asshole gene and women have the bitch gene and at some point we all need to use them…in self preservation situations.
4. We’re in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.
So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."
I have a friend that always says, “It’s always worth a story.” Sure we often jump before we think. But I think we choose right away what category of women we are jumping into a situation with. We know pretty quickly if it is for fun, sex or relationship. Come on, potential is great because if you don’t use it you still have it. Most often we fall out of love instead of from like to love. So to me, potential means nothing, ‘show me the money!’ Although, I am not saying it is impossible. My mother always said a relationship is like building a house. The foundation is friendship. You can build a beautiful, enormous, elaborate home but if the foundation is bad the house caves in.
Yes, sometimes we allow the roots of a relationship even knowing in end the plant may live but the flowers will always die. I was briefly married during the worst four years of my life. I tried to help three different people that couldn’t even help themselves. So I responded by spending a few years being incredibly selfish. The most selfish I have been in my entire life. I dated many women and it always ended when they wanted more. I justified my rude and inappropriate behavior by stating up front to each of them where I was and what I could offer and nothing more. After coming to my senses and taking a self-implemented sabbatical from dating, I went back and apologized to most of them. I am friends with most of my ex-girlfriends and many of my flings. I genuinely liked them and I still do. I truly believe we all deserve to be treated with respect. [bolding mine]
5. We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared spitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first.
For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"
Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.
No one likes rejection. Although I have done it, I call bullshit. We need to grow up and communicate. Why waste anyone’s time? Life is short. Be open. Be honest. Dating is a process. I think we all take it too personally. The best part of dating is getting to know someone. Respect yourself and others. You get back what you put out there. It is easier to recognize problems and issues early on and tackle them or move on. The longer we invest the longer the recovery and the worse the pain. I don’t know about you but I have had enough pain and heartbreak. I am not saying pull the rip cord as soon as she sees a hole in your armor or the little man behind the curtain. However, if you never let go you will never know.
by Trey Mitchell and Unknown
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