Weeds.

My friend texted me the other day as she was pulling weeds in her flower beds. Apparently she'd let them grow too deep and they were difficult to get out. She said she kept laughing at herself for letting the weeds get that far gone. Hot and frustrated, she knew she had to get them out or her irises would die. (Which was completely unacceptable! We've both invested much time and effort in our yards this year!) She started to pray, asking Jesus to help her persist and get the weeds out. Each time she prayed instead of giving up, the weeds came out. Together, she and the Lord saved her irises.

Then she said, "Isn't this so symbolic of our lives?"

She is so right.

For my readers who don't garden, I can tell you that weeds are a serious pain in the butt. It's my least favorite part of gardening. You have to bend over and sit, which is painful to an old back. The dryer the ground, the harder they are to remove. Yet weeding is a process that's absolutely necessary or you are wasting your time. If you don't regularly pull the weeds from your beds, they can take over and choke the life out of the flowers. Letting that happen is so disheartening, especially if you have put a lot of work into planting, growing and nurturing those flowers.

I have heard it said that your home (inside and out) is a reflection of who you are as much as your checkbook. I've lived in my house for a long time. I let my yard go for years! Anyone who's known me for a period of time prior to recovery knows that the grass was often knee-high, the "beds" were a mud pit of weeds and dead things. (My neighbors weren't very appreciative, to say the least.)

Last year I decided it was time to have a little pride in my home. I spent quite a lot of time fixing the drainage problem, redoing the beds and regularly cutting the yard. Nothing grew, but nothing died, either! This year I got real industrious and ambitious and decided to try and turn my black thumb into as green a one as I could. The end result was awesome and I was quite proud of myself! (My neighbors are happy and have even stopped to compliment how great the yard looks!)

But we get tired, don't we? Gardening is fulfilling but it is also a LOT of work! Digging is HARD. In the spring I was all excited and started going to town outside. Then once it was "done," and my back and neck were killing me and it got really hot outside, and my allergies and sinuses were kicking, it became much harder to motivate myself to go outside and maintain my projects. In fact, this year I stayed out of the yard for about a month after spending at least two obsessing about what I was going to plant, where I was going to plant it and making my husband and sons get out there with me.

Husband came home one day recently and said, "Um, hon, are you tired of yardwork? Cuz there's lots of weeds in those beds that need to be pulled." He offered to do it, but I said I'd take care of it… Yet it was still another week before I got out there and did anything.

The Bible says not to borrow trouble, for today has enough of its own. One way to borrow trouble is to let things go while they're still small. Why do we wait until the small things become big things before we deal with them? How many times have I learned how much easier it is in the long run to deal with things immediately? I mean, I KNOW this, right? Yet for some reason, I still sometimes let fear rule. It happens to all of us. It's called DENIAL. How often do we attempt to avoid conflict because we feel overwhelmed, or we don't want to deal with things, or we are afraid of what changes dealing with reality will require of us?

Rather than weeding the beds in our lives on a regular basis, we let them grow in an unruly fashion. Which makes them all the more difficult to get out. Plus it becomes a MUCH BIGGER job! It's not enough to pull at the top of a weed. You have to get the ROOT out, or it will just grow back and multiply. That's much easier if you get it while it's still small, rather than waiting and allowing it to take root and grow.

LOL! When my friend texted me that question: "Isn't this so symbolic of our lives?" I'm like, oh yeah, it is! Then just for giggles I went outside and looked at my own beds, and the giggling stopped. I realized she was more right than I originally thought. Weeding the beds IS symbolic of our lives. And it's Recovery 101. Weeds are our addictions, hurts, habits and hang-ups. Weeds are SIN. When we have weeds in our garden, we have obstacles blocking us from Christ and from Truth.

Consider Steps 10 and 12:
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

It's easy to draw the correlation from Step 10 to the points I'm making here… Weed those beds EVERY DAY. If you see a weed, grab it at the root and yank that sucker out! Don't let even one continue to grow once you see it. Or it will choke the life out of you.

But what does Step 12 have to do with this, you ask? (Jen, are you suggesting we apply apply recovery principles and truth to our yardwork? Really?!) Yes. I am saying that, but even more I'm saying apply it everywhere, to everything. Gardening, what you eat for breakfast, what kind of toilet paper you buy... Every. Single. Thing. Notice that step says "to practice these principles in ALL our affairs." Well you can read just like I can. It says ALL. And that is just what it means.

Why? Because when you're in recovery, you are in it for life. It's just when you think you can lay off for a minute that you probably need it the most. Same thing with Truth. When you live according to Truth, you know that Truth is EVERYWHERE. If you work the program, read your Bible and obey the steps (as well as the 10 Commandments, etc.), what you begin to find is that EVERYTHING is connected. You start to notice that even seemingly innocuous, apparently unrelated things in your life that you never would have thought to correlate with recovery suddenly begin to have relevance and spiritual significance—even pulling weeds in your garden! God uses whatever and whomever to open your eyes to His Truth. To make you more aware of Him.

And if you pay attention, you will find that it's not what you LOOK at, but what you actually SEE that counts. God is always trying to show us and tell us things. We merely need to keep things simple, stay in tune with Him. And then we'll find that there is nowhere we go and nothing we do where He isn't right there with us.

God will use anything and anyone to teach you, to draw you closer to Him, to help you know and love and desire Him more. It's pretty cool, actually. Most of my life, I felt aimless, like a leaf in a whirlwind with no solid place to land. That is a really scary way to live! As I continue to move through recovery and work on my relationship with Christ, I begin to be more and more conscious of Him. I see Him everywhere, in everything, and instead of freaking me out, I'm soothed. It makes me feel grounded. Solid. Settled. Peaceful… All things you cannot truly have outside a real and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

In addition, walking closely and personally with Christ will help you sort out what's really true and what isn't. I am not ashamed to admit that when it comes to gardening, I'm more John Deere than Martha Stewart, aight? When I first got out in the yard, thinking I was doing so great, my mother begged me to stop! I'm like, what?!?!? (Apparently I couldn't tell the difference between a weed and a flower and had totally messed up the yard by cutting down and digging up all the stuff I was supposed to keep, and watering and planting all the stuff that was supposed to go. Go figure.)

So I was determined to do better. And these last two years, I have! I don't know that I'll ever really have a GREEN thumb. But it's no longer BLACK, either! Before I imagine plants literally trembled when I walked outside with my hair in a bun and yard tools in my hands because I was like the Grim Reaper and they knew they were gonna die. Last year, nothing grew but it didn't die. This year I am GROWING things! It is VERY exciting!

However, I still loathe weeding the beds. But it's got to be done, so I do it. And I try to do that in every area of my life, not just in my garden. 

I think I'm going to try and talk my friend into giving me an iris from her garden—or at least teaching me how to grow one—to symbolize what Jesus will do with a life, any life, that is wholly surrendered to Him. And, to symbolize what ONLY HE can do with that life. If you recall, she couldn't pull those weeds out on her own. It wasn't until she refused to give up and PRAYED, asking Jesus for HELP, before the weeds came out and her irises were saved. We cannot do it ourselves. If we could, we'd have already done it.

After all, ONLY GOD can make a tree.

Thank You, Jesus! Not only have You helped me to grow instead of die, You have breathed New Life and poured Living Water into every area of me, inside and out. I believe we are all weeds, growing unruly and out of control, before You love us and turn us into the beautiful, living, growing flowers You mean for us to be. I am grateful that You actually CARE about every single thing in my life… even my garden! You know the number of hairs on my head. You care for the swallow; how much more You care for ME! I love You and I thank You for teaching me through every circumstance, every person and every occurrence in my life, no matter how small or how great. You are THE AWESOME!
Amen.

Begin at the beginning.

If you dig quotes (like I do as a writer) then you have GOT to love Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland! That book is a virtual treasure trove of awesome words and phrasing. My favorite quotes from this story:

• "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards."
• "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."
• "Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end; then stop."

Now, if you dig Truth (like I do as a recovering addict and bonafide Jesus freak) then those 3 little phrases are also a treasure trove! Pastors could do entire series of sermons on those 3 simple sentences! If they can't, I know I could. But that's for another time...

For now, I'll just say that the first two pretty much summed up my life pre-recovery. The last says a lot about who I am now... It used to be that my memory only worked backward and I was trapped in my past; I couldn't get out. I wanted to look toward the future, but I didn't really believe I had one and if I did, I just didn't know how to find it or plan for it. Then, I started out on a journey to try and turn my life around, but I was using my own wits and will; I'd sort of unintentionally left God out of it by taking any road that seemed logical to me. (Bad idea when you're about as logical as a goose.)

Recovery gave me the gift summed up in the last quote... If you're lost or confused, just begin at the beginning, and keep going until you get to the end, then chill.  Put like that, it all seems so simple, doesn't it?

That's because it is! Note I didn't say "easy." For what's simple is often not easy, though fully worth the effort.

In a conversation today with someone who is thinking of starting Celebrate Recovery, I was asked what it was like for me in the beginning and how I got to where I am now. In my desire to most accurately respond to that query, I went back and read through some of my early posts in The Recovery Chronicles. I'd been in recovery for about a year (Feb. '08) and was blowing it pretty badly before I got serious about it (Feb. '09). I decided to write about it late that summer. I submit to you now, my dear reader friends, my first entry, dated August 2009.

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The Recovery Chronicles: An Introduction

This blog is intended to be a diary, of sorts, I suppose. I'm in recovery. I participate in Celebrate Recovery at Heartsong Church in Memphis, Tenn. I am a believer who struggles with love addiction and codependency. But don't let the label fool you: I'm an addict, no more, no less.

The Bible says in Matthew, I think? Somewhere in the New Testament, I kinda suck at addresses... Anyway Jesus is quoted as saying, "For what does it profit a man to gain the entire world, but lose his own soul? And what would a man give in exchange for his soul?" Well, lemme tell ya, when it comes to acting out and trying to find ways to fill the hole that's inside each and every human being, I've tried it ALL. I lived out the last couple of decades with a "FOR SALE" sign around my neck, selling out to anything or anyone that I thought would bring me relief or fulfill my sick definition of happiness. At one point in time, I'm ashamed to say, there wasn't a damn thing I would NOT give in exchange for my soul.

Here's the kicker: there's only ONE way to have any kind of peace, contentment and joy in this life, and that is through living your life according to The Truth. For me, that is embodied in Jesus Christ. Period.

Now this blog isn't intended to push religion, Jesus or anything of the sort down anyone's throat. It's merely the thoughts and record of one person who's realized that there is more to life than self-aggrandizement, quick fixes and situational or relative ethics.

Picture a kid in a field with no fence. It's infinite... all you can see in every direction is the horizon. That might be a neat concept for a greeting card, but it does NOT work in real life. Real life requires boundaries; boundaries bring freedom. (Anyone who denies this fact is gonna get REAL UPSET reading the things I choose to share.)

No kid really wants a fence, or at least they don't THINK they do. But if you think about it, all kids feel most loved when they push a boundary and someone who has their best interests at heart PUSHES BACK. If there are never any fences, that kid is in an endless field, never knowing exactly where they are. That might be fun for a minute, but trust me... eventually, we all need to find our bearings.

For me, that fence is Jesus Christ. The Truth. And the 12 Steps and 8 Principles of recovery. When there is a fence, that means there is a boundary, like a big, blinking YOU ARE HERE sign. Even if you are on the wrong side of that fence, at least you know where you are! Then and only then can you figure out where you need to go.

Like I said, this is merely intended to be one person sharing the joys, the struggles, the victories, the defeats, the questions, the answers and anything else that comes to mind as I move along down this road of recovery. It's just one addict sharing the experience, strength and hope I'm finding along the way, hoping it helps someone else.

And make no mistake, it IS a journey. It's not a destination. If you look at it like that, you will fail.

Love, JEN

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Looking back on that now, I can say that the ground under my feet is more solid that I could have ever hoped for... I've had ups and downs and it's been one major ride! Yet every single thing I said in this first blog post is absolutely true. 

Here's something I've discovered about Truth: it's not a what, it's a Who. Jesus, that's Who! Once you give up the illusion of control and accept Him for who and what He is, your insides just settle right on down. I can't explain it.

Another thing I've discovered about Truth: over time, if you adhere to Him, Truth becomes even MORE TRUE. I have NO idea how that works...? I just know it's a fact.

I'm still really bad at addresses. I'm still an addict, and I'm still on a journey. Only now, like any good trip worth taking, I have some great stories, some pretty incredible pictures and some invaluable experiences. Plus, I am FREE. I have JOY. Most importantly, I am LOVED and I am WELL. 

Going back to Lewis Carroll for a moment, I'll sum it up this way:

• My memory no longer works backwards. In fact, I have trouble remembering some of my past, simply because it just isn't that important to me anymore.
• I am no longer lost. I know where I'm going, I'm on an ever-forward journey toward a solid and certain destination. No more "down the rabbit hole" for me! "Any old road" is no longer acceptable.
• I began at the beginning, but I've not yet reached the end. God isn't finished with me yet... I'm still on this journey and grateful for it! 

So, in closing, if you are like my friend--lost, confused, trying to figure out which way to go--I'll tell you the same thing I told her:

Begin at the beginning. Follow on down the road until you reach the only destination worth arriving at: Jesus Christ.

I am no longer "For Sale." I have been bought, paid for and redeemed!

Thank you SO MUCH, Lord, for all that You have done and continue to do, and for all the little ways, each and every day as I continue along this journey of recovery, that You bless and keep me. Amen.

Allergic to CRAZY

In order to keep friends and family from interfering with their painful and destructive behaviors, addicts sometimes (almost always, in fact!) create diversions by accusing or provoking. It's called deflection, and it's simple Warfare 101; rooted in denial, this process provides the opportunity for an addict to avoid accepting responsibility for his or her choices and the consequences he or she doesn't want to deal with. And I'm am defining "addict" here by anyone who is otherwise irrational. You don't have to drink or use drugs to be crazy. (Trust me.)


At such a time, when an addict attacks, those who have been affected by the addict's behavior tend to react, to argue and to defend themselves. Ergo, I say "provides the opportunity" because this technique only works with people choose to play the addict's game and engage in such crazymaking. (Which is the reason Al-Anon and similar groups were created, by the way.) So rather than dealing with the issue at hand, we start shooting at the target put before us. This shifts the responsibility of the situation from the one who caused it to the one who is suffering from it, which is, of course, completely unfair. 


As a result, no one has to look at the addict and his or her behavior. Instead, we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued—and any topic will do, so long as it's not the behavior or attitude of the addict, or the addict having to admit wrong or take responsibility. And unfortunately, what we defend against we make real. The simple act of playing the addict's game of deflection muddies the waters and confuses the issue. I promise you, do this once or twice, much less over and over and over again, and you WILL go insane. Because the biggest problem with crazy is that IT IS CONTAGIOUS.


Step One in recovery is dealing with denial; we admit that we are powerless over our addictions and our hurts, habits and hang-ups. We admit that our lives have become unmanageable and that we do not have the strength or resources necessary to fight our "disease" or to turn our lives around on our own. If we did, we wouldn't need recovery; we'd have already done it. We also admit that we are powerless over other people and THEIR addictions, hurts, habits and hang-ups. The only person any of us can hope to control is our own personal self. It's impossible to manage or control others, just like it's impossible to manage or control someone who is truly free of mind and spirit because they belong to Christ.


Therefore, it logically follows that defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with those who are actively acting-out, or with otherwise irrational people, is as fruitless as donning combat boots and a potato sack to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion! This is why the only way to win the deflection game is to avoid playing it altogether. Only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. And let's face it: what is more insane than trying to reason with someone who's unreasonable? Or trying to use logic with someone who's completely illogical? Trust me, if you haven't experienced this, it can scramble your brains. Or worse, you will go utterly blank—like being unplugged. It's awful.


The sanity-restoring Power is God Himself. We are each responsible for taking the actions necessary to keep ourselves safe. But I'm not only speaking of physical safety—I'm also referring here to keeping your mind, your heart and your spirit safe. I lived with a drunk the first third of my life, where my physical safety was threatened almost daily. Then I had to deal with a "dry drunk" the next third of my life. And believe me when I say that sometimes there is more pain inflicted to the mind and spirit through words and actions than fists could EVER attain. Why? Because bruises and cuts heal. But the bleeding of the heart and spirit is never-ending and will perpetuate until YOU make a choice and take a stand and stop it. 


Whether or not my physical safety is at risk, I can always make choices about my responses, and Truth is the best protection to and the only antidote for crazy. I don't have to react instantly to provocation, nor am I obligated to justify myself to anyone. 


By going to Jesus for my protection, rather than my wits or my will, I avail myself of the best possible defense. Like so many things, I wish I had learned this a long time ago. This approach saves me time and time again, and protects my mind and spirit from being infected with crazy.


At this stage in my life, I've come to realize that it sometimes takes more work to stay OUT of drama than it does to be the cause of it. I've reached the point in my recovery where crazy exhausts me. It just wears me out! And it makes me ANGRY. Because while I was once there myself, and have empathy and understanding for the crazy's point of view, I no longer have the patience or tolerance for someone who simply refuses to see that they are wrong, or stubbornly refuses to own it when they DO see it. I can't—or more accurately, WON'T—deal with someone who chooses to wallow in insanity rather than simply saying, "I was wrong. I am sorry." Because until someone does that, you cannot start again, and you have no common ground on which to build.


I say crazy is contagious because no one is above it. I don't care who you are. It is SO EASY to justify unacceptable behavior. We make excuses, blame other people, and say we were provoked or had no choice. We dismiss our actions by telling ourselves all manner of idiotic things so we can sleep better at night. In doing this, we are seeing our situation, not as it is, but as how we want to see it. In effect, we pretend our wrongs don't count. This is textbook denial, and as such makes no sense. Because if one considers the notion that Truth is Truth, then how can we possibly conclude that everyone else's wrongs count but ours?!? 


Step Four in recovery is to take a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves. It is fearless because of the strong spiritual foundation developed through taking the first three steps. It is moral because we take responsibility for our lives, listing rights and wrongs about our conduct and choices. And it's is searching, because the only way to thoroughly and correctly take this step is to resist the urge to justify and excuse our wrongs, or take credit unjustly for our rights. This process draws me closer to God and gives me the courage and self-discipline I need to face what I uncover, because it ain't always pretty. It also shines a light on the crazy places and allows me to fully accept God's healing, and to live by it and in it. 


Only by freely acknowledging who we have been can we make positive changes about who we are becoming. 


This is not MY Truth, it's God's. I no longer operate under the delusion that I'm in control of anything, nor do I want to be! I've also been delivered from the trap of always blaming someone else instead of taking responsibility. It may hurt in the short run but in the long run, I am FREE! So what if it does take more work to stay out of drama and away from crazy on the front end? The freedom and peace on the back end make it MORE than worth it! 


Learn to live by Truth; start robbing the addict of those opportunities created by deflection where you sacrifice your very soul on the altar of someone else's insanity. Let their stubborn refusal to deal with what you KNOW is real and true be THEIR problem. They don't deserve that kind of sacrifice and you aren't required to make it. Because ultimately, you cannot win an argument with an addict or an otherwise irrational person because they are not playing by the same rules as you are. The only winning play is to NOT play. 


Keep on keeping on, and you will become as allergic to crazy as I am. It's the one allergy I don't mind at all living with!