Control and Infantile Egomaniacs

You can't control other people. If you try to, you give all your freedom to them. (Sam Haines)

I find myself today with so much to say that I don't have a specific idea; there's a lot going on in my life and therefore, in my head, that I'm trying to process, which makes it hard to write... but since this whole blog started out as a way for me to process (and hopefully help others out along the way) I'll just write. So forgive me on the front end if it seems more random than normal. : )

Funny how we all have these ideas or expectations about things that are totally subconscious; we don't even realize they are in our heads until something doesn't turn out like we wanted it to or an expectation isn't met. Then we are awakened to the fact that, hey, I guess I thought this and gee, isn't it disappointing that it ended up this way... I don't know where it comes from...? The way we are brought up, perhaps? Or, maybe it's just a lifetime of programming that becomes instinctual and is never confronted until one is forced to make a decision. However it comes about, I seem to have more than my fair share of these subconscious notions. One of the biggest ones I've had to face is about control.

Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.

I love this quote from Days of Thunder. Nicole Kidman is giving Tom Cruise to and what for, and to me she summed up in two sentences what life is about—and what it isn't.

In recovery, the first step is to admit you are powerless and that your life has become unmanageable. In traditional recovery, this step is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol or drugs or food or whatever. But Celebrate Recovery adds to this step, stating that we are powerless, not just over our addictions, but also over our compulsive behaviors. See, to me, this is where it all hangs in the balance. I love AA and all the other traditional recovery programs; I have the utmost respect for what they do and appreciation for how they help. But the reason CR was for me was because I'm an addict's addict—I didn't have a specific "thing" I needed to be saved from except MYSELF. I was addicted to ME.

I wanna talk about ME/ wanna talk about I/ wanna talk about Number One/ Oh MY/ ME MY... (Toby Keith)

That's all well and good, but at some point you just get sick of yourself. I had reached the end of ME. I didn't just want to stop "acting out." I no longer wanted to just get through this moment. I was done with getting better. I wanted to get WELL, and for good! So just dealing with symptoms wasn't going to cut it. I'd done all that. I needed to think big picture and long term. I'd gone as far as I could go trying to deal with my "issues." I truly thought I was just the picture of mental health and that all my "issues" were because I got smashed that weekend or because I didn't feel like going to work or because "that guy" was a douche and wah wah wah there was always SOMETHING or SOMEONE ELSE to blame, you know? It just had to be THEIR fault! Because the alternative was that it was MY fault, and I was just such a good person, that couldn't possibly be the case, right?! What a colossal joke!

My life was a total wreck. My mind was in shambles, my heart was gone, my physical health had deteriorated... yet when I was REALLY honest, and I'm talking balls-to-the-wall, no-holds-barred, BRUTAL honest... I couldn't help but see the truth. And that was: Jen, you are an idgit. An honest-to-goodness idgit. I had tried just about everything you could possibly imagine to "fix it." NOTHING worked. Because my "issues" were so much bigger than anything that could be summed up with alcohol or drugs or broken relationships with "bad people." I WAS BAD PEOPLE! And that was a truth that broke my heart... I'd known all along over the years that I was selling out, giving up, giving in, backing down, that I wasn't the person I should be. But for whatever reasons were available at the time, I just kept making excuses. One after the other. And the stupid thought patterns got worse: "Oh THIS time it will be different," and on and on.

So the bottom line was that I had become someone I knew I wasn't supposed to be. Still ME, just the really bad, evil twin version. I KNEW I was meant for more—that this self-absorbed, over-indulgent, immature, insecure, narcissistic control freak fruit loop child I had become. I was in a black hole and needed to get a grip, grow up and LIVE.

And how did I get to that black hole? By being addicted to MYSELF. I'd adopted this victim mentality because of all the extensive and horrific abuse I'd survived as a child. I got older, bad things kept happening, and I decided, "God doesn't care or He wouldn't allow this! I don't need Him! I'll take care of my damn self! I'll do it MY WAY."

Ummmm ok YEAH that didn't work out so well.

There's so much more to this but I started out talking about control, and there's the rub: you are an infantile egomaniac, living on a spinning ball in space with a gazillion other infantile egomaniacs. And life is a power struggle because there's only one spinning ball and only so much to go around, or so you think, so you do all you can to control all you can because this is all there is, right?! WRONG. Life is not about being the Top-Dog Infantile Egomaniac in charge of all the other infantile egomaniacs. It's impossible, anyway. Because you may have someone right where you want them—you may have a truckload of "proof" of every little mistake they've ever made, you may know every single rotten thing about them, know every single skeleton and all their dirty laundry... and you can tell everyone all you know, take out an ad in the paper and put up billboards all over town, you can publicize, criticize, antagonize and just do your worst—BUT you still can't control them. Because no matter what you do or say, and despite all you know and all you've done to try and bring them down, that person can still CHOOSE to feel compassion for you, to forgive you, to not engage in your games. So in the end, what's the damn point?! You didn't get your way, made a complete and utter ASS out of YOURSELF in the process and it is YOU who ends up looking totally ridiculous. It's just not worth it. Which is where that beautiful, incredible and POWERFUL first recovery step comes in: I am powerless. C'mon, say it with me! "I. Am. POWERLESS." When you try to ignore or deny this very basic truth, your life will indeed become unmanageable. I don't care who you are! NO ONE is above this.

Control really is an illusion. It's not real. Not for me, not for you, not for anyone. Sam's quote above is the gospel truth: it is impossible to control other people, your circumstances, life in general. And the more you try to do this, the more you manipulate and manufacture and push, the worse it will get. The only thing we can hope to control is our individual self. Other people, circumstances and life in general can be dealt with by making wiser choices, but although that cuts WAY down on the drama, it doesn't eradicate it because hey, sh#% happens! When it does, we have a choice. Pain is inevitable, but misery? That's optional.

So since the majority of our mistakes and grief in life are caused by us trying to control anything and everything, it makes sense that the first thing we must do is deal with reality: that is, we are powerless over our addictions and our compulsive behaviors. It's simple logic. Our addictions are merely compulsive behaviors that have gotten out of control. And compulsive behaviors stem from compulsive thinking, or, thoughts out of control.

Ergo, "I am powerless." I cannot control others. But I CAN control myself, and who I am, and how I respond and how I LIVE. I CAN choose to be free! Take it from me, a recovering control freak. You do indeed give up your freedom trying to control everything to get what you want, only to find Coldplay in your head: "you get what you want but not what you need... could it be worse?" NO. That approach to life is no life at all. You spend all your time and energy and waste the best parts of yourself on things you can't manage, fix, influence, change or control. It hurts YOU more than anyone else, although it does take down others in the process. All you get in the end is a crazy mind, a shattered life and a mountain of regrets over things you can't take back!

So I'm going to take this opportunity to thank Jesus Christ for healing my mind, for getting me to recovery where I could see that I had a GOD problem that only HE could fix... for helping me get over myself and finding wisdom and people who love me and support me... Jesus didn't just change my life. He GAVE me one. I've made peace with my past; it's over, done, finito... One of those subconscious expectations was that once I got well and dealt with my past and made amends that I'd never have to deal with it again. Here recently, that hasn't been the case. I never thought I'd have every mistake I ever made thrown back in my face by someone I've never met. But you know what? It's ok. It really is. Because it's no matter what my past WAS, that is NOT who I AM today. I am a recovering infantile egomaniac. I'm not better or smarter or more special than anyone else. The only difference between myself and others is that I am aware of it and have done something about it. And that is a Jesus thing, you know? I tried to fix it on my own and I couldn't. That's what recovery is for, isn't it?

At the end of the day, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, playing the blame game... all that gains you nothing. NOTHING. It keeps you in chains and robs you of your freedom because you're letting others live rent-free in your heart and in your head. It robs you of emotions, energy and precious TIME, wasted on ultimately futile efforts to control that which cannot be controlled. And I ask you again: WHAT IS THE POINT?!

Today, I can say my life is really good! I like who I am. I fix what's wrong and celebrate what's right. I am FREE from all the crap I've been talking about in this blog. Some people are cool with it. Others hate me for it. Most don't care either way. But that's life, you know? I'm healthy, I love the Lord and He loves me, my kids are awesome and I'm truly blessed with amazing friendships, a great family and real love. So say what you want, believe what you want... like me, hate me, whatever floats your boat. But really, what more can one ask for? And how can anyone in their right mind attack someone for just wanting to stop being an idiot and turning her life around? I think we all know the answer to that.

Don't hate because your life isn't what you want it to be. Don't waste your time being angry about it and making it worse by making an ass of yourself. If you don't like your life, CHANGE IT. I did! I went to Jesus, completely surrendered myself, and He gave me a life I love. He took this infantile egomaniac and HEALED her, and made something special out of all the crap. If He can change me, He can change anyone.

He'll do it for you, too. I promise. Honestly, what have you got to lose?