Another day, another lesson

I love to learn. I just hate school.

Learning is fun; school is discipline. I love the knowledge I have that comes from learning, it's just the process of learning that I end up rebelling against. In addition, learning is easy when it's something I'm interested in knowing. But the things I NEED to know are often boring to me, especially if I haven't realized my need for that knowledge yet.

That was true in the yesteryear, and it's still true of me today. I love my recovery work, my Bible study and reading and learning about things I'm genuinely interested in. But sometimes there are lessons that God teaches me for my own good, to grow my character and bring me closer to Him. I don't like it and I usually complain (a LOT) along the way, but He loves me enough to teach me anyway... even if He has to teach me more than once.

The only thing I don't like about learning is RElearning. See, I seem to have a hole in my brain. Knowledge goes in, right? But somewhere there's a hole or a leak and it goes out. Or perhaps my filing system is off and I just can't recall where exactly I placed the object of that lesson...? Either way, I looooooathe relearning something that I've already learned.

However, there's an upside to relearning: it serves many times as a reminder of why I needed that lesson in the first place. For instance, I have a glass stovetop at home. They're much easier to clean the traditional stoves with eyes; I love not having to pull the eye out, take out the bottom, put new tinfoil on it, etc. But a glass stovetop gets hot quicker and faster, and requires flat pots and pans so food cooks more evenly, so it's not a good idea to cook things on high. I learned this the hard way after burning dinner and dishes to a crisp, which led to me having to recook dinner and purchase new cookware. So I know not to do this, right? But I'm human, I'm impatient, I'm a single mom and I get in a hurry. I forget... Ergo, on occasion I will try to cook something on high and burn dinner (again) and have to spend money on a new pot or pan (again). This process doesn't mean I didn't learn the lesson the first time; it simply means that I have let other stresses and concerns get in the way of what I already know. Depending on who one is determines how many times this process will have to be repeated before one will stop and think, ok, I either need to take a little more time here and cook it correctly so we actually get to eat and I save the life of this pan, or I can just order pizza. : ) Getting to that place of thinking and being able to apply one's lessons to find more time or alternative solutions is a mark of maturity.

This was the one thing that I was unable to get for SO long in my life. I just kept repeating the same things over and over again because I wasn't willing to stop, evaluate, think about what worked and what didn't. (Damn good thing I didn't have a glass stovetop then! I'd be bankrupt!) One of the gifts of recovery and a close walk with Jesus is the ability to apply what I've learned to any given situation. When I get it right, I'm thrilled beyond belief! When I make a mistake or get it wrong, I'm able to look at it and say, ok here's what worked and here's what I can do next time. This is the essential thought process that has brought true change and real growth for me. Lookit me, being all growed up and stuff!

WISDOM is knowledge applied. You can know things all day long, and learn and learn and learn, but until you USE IT, that knowledge is useless.

Case in point: I've learned that God loves me and has forgiven me, that I am washed clean and that I'm truly free from my past. I've done wrong and I've been wronged, I know the mindset behind it all and I get what makes people tick in general. So when I'm viciously attacked, unwarranted, by one person who is a total stranger to me and another person who just plain ought to know better, I can reach into that arsenal of truth I have, gained from lessons and mistakes and long experience and a close relationship with Christ, and apply those truths to CHOOSE my response. I am hurt and angry about it, yes. They throw my past in my face, use this blog to call me a hypocrite and try to use it as ammunition to hurt me, air my dirty laundry to anyone who will listen, and just generally do everything they can to hurt me and destroy me. It hurts.

But, wisdom tells me some things... I know why they're doing it, where it's coming from, how they're thinking because I used to think that way. I know that ultimately I might be their target, but I'm not really the issue. This helps calm me down; it gives me a broader perspective and understanding, which helps me not to react to it. IT IS NOT EASY. I'm a Christian and I love Jesus. But I'm not perfect, ya know? I'm a redneck country girl with many opinions and a passionate nature. I can get ill-tempered. I WANT to react, to unleash the power of my sarcasm on them and give them a dose of their own medicine. I WANT to retaliate and put their little minds straight. I won't lie about that.

But I am a child of God. HE is my validation and my strength, and everything good and worthy and awesome about me is ALL HIM. Yes, I have faults, but He's also given me a sweet spirit who wants peace and harmony. I forgive easy and what I want MORE than to win is to be right with God. So I try to get past the injustice of it all, and I ask God every day to keep His arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth! Some days I do ok, other days I struggle, and every once in a while I just flat screw it up. But it's ok, because no matter what anyone says or does, they can't take away my forgiveness, my grace, my peace... and they cannot rob me of my CHOICES. I have a will and a mind and I can still choose. So even if they get the better of me and provoke me into a bad reaction, I can STILL CHOOSE to stop that, to go a different way, take a different path. So even when I lose a battle, I still win the war.

All this comes from the learning and relearning process that God puts every single one of His children through. Some children refuse it; they stomp around and throw tantrums and refuse to listen, which makes them fools. Others at least attempt to listen and receive God's discipline and instruction, which is the beginning of wisdom.

I could write a book about this, but I'll close now with this thought... I know all about spiritual warfare. There is a battle that rages on for control of our minds. How we think determines our choices and behaviors, and the only winning strategy is to pursue Christ and tell yourself the truth at all times so that you can make good choices, and know what to do when you don't.

As to my recent situation, here's what I've learned (and relearned ; D).
"There is now NO condemnation for those of us in Christ Jesus." Since I'm "in Christ Jesus," this applies to me. You can dredge up my past and throw it at me like mud... but you won't make me any less clean. Trying to make ME look dirty won't make YOU any less wrong or more clean.

"You are now a NEW CREATION in Christ; all the old things have been made new." Yeah, I've made more mistakes than you can shake a stick at. But that is NOT who I am. I am no longer the person I used to be. Not because I say so, but because HE says so. And all the love and support I get from the friends and family who actually know me and have seen me change know this. So say what you want; just because you say so doesn't make it true. I'm a NEW creation, and you can't make me go back.

Out of all of the lessons, this is the most thrilling one to me: "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc; no weapon formed against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from Me."

Well I am a servant of the Lord, and this is MY heritage. Do you see what He's saying? HE created the destroyer who accuses, HE created the weapons and therefore, it is HE who decides that the wormtongues of this world may be able to beat me down for a moment, but they cannot defeat me. He won't allow it. Because I am HIS.

Damn, if that ain't good news, I don't know what is! I hate having to learn that lesson again, but I also LOVE the utter thrills and chills that sends down my spine. Because when you have a past like mine, have made the mistakes that I've made, THAT kind of love and total forgiveness is worth any price you have to pay for it... only it is FREE. The fact that they can dredge all that up but it just DOES NOT MATTER is irrevocable. And it's TRUTH.

"TRUTH is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it. But there it is." (Churchill)

So, there ya have it: the lesson for the day. I, JENIFER BARRON, AM FREE, FORGIVEN AND CLEAN AS A WHISTLE. That is TRUTH. And no matter what you say, what you do, what skeletons you dredge up (or really, just MAKE up) or how much you hate on me... my freedom, forgiveness and cleanliness are INCONTROVERTIBLE.