It's not HOW, it's WHO

Last Friday marked a year of recovery for me. I have been asked repeatedly by numerous people reading these chronicles: "HOW did you do it??? How did you get to the place you are in?!" Every single one of these dear friends are going through tremendous hardship and pain...they are suffering, and as one who's been there (and will be again, no doubt!) my heart goes out to them, as well as my prayers. 

True recovery is something that must be experienced to be explained, and it's not about what you want but what you are willing to do. When you are shattered, torn, confused, reeling, hurting so deeply that it's a physical ache, it's difficult to hear mere words and comprehend much past wanting the pain to STOP. In these moments it's crucial to not react, to tell yourself the TRUTH. And and as all truth does, it will come back to you in the moment you most need it because God says that His word "does not return null and void." Those are the moments, in the middle of unbearable pain, where your choices will matter most. 

So, how'd I do it? You ready??? : ) **drumroll** The answer is: it's not HOW, but WHO. 

Ok, you can stop with the eyerolls and the snickers and the "Aw, here we go with the Bible beating!" (I can hear you, you know!) You asked, and I'm telling you the simple truth. That's how I did it. Two words: Jesus Christ.

Though I've come a long way, I still have far to go and much to learn. Yet I AM better. I chose, finally, to let go of my obsession with the HOW, the WHAT and the WHY, and focus all my energy and attention on the WHO. Meaning, who CHRIST IS and who I AM in Him. The key to it all is a real, personal relationship with Jesus. His love for us is so ALIVE!!! When we get to know HIM as a real, live person who loves us and wants what's best for us, it is POWERFUL. I wanted to get better for a long time, but it didn't actually happen until I was ready to do what was required in order to do so. That meant surrendering totally to His will. I didn't half-ass it, either... Otherwise, I'd still be in the same position as before. Without Jesus—what I've gained in and through my relationship with Him, the way he made such beauty out of sheer ashes... none of it would have any meaning. "That everyone may eat and drink and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God."

I'd love to take credit for all this, but I can't. The only thing I can say is that I DID have to show up; He can knock all day long on the door and it's up to each of us whether or not the knock is answered. As for the rest of it... it's all Him. I'm not smarter, better, wiser, more special or more loved than anyone else. It's not rocket science and it certainly wasn't MY doing! I spent decades trying my way over and over and over and over again, getting the same exact results: CRAP. It didn't turn around until I figured out (because I'm SLOW! As in, Captain of the Short Bus slow!) that, um, gee, my way doesn't seem to be working...? Maybe I should do something different…? If I could have fixed it all myself, I'd have done it years ago. NO ONE can do it alone; hence the need for recovery, for help. It's not shameful; happens to the best of us. The answer is simple: God's way. And even then, if your goal is to follow a bunch of rules (which I also tried, so learn from my idiocy) you aren't going to get any further than if you had never considered God at all. It's our knowledge of Jesus, of who He is, which fosters the wonder at the miracle that He loves us anyway. This sparks a love for Him that runs so deep and so strong that it becomes the motivation for the one thing we MUST do in order to make things better: TRUST HIM. Usually when we feel we are no longer capable of it. Only we can't really trust someone we don't know, can we? And it's impossible to love whom we don't trust.

Consider today's devotion from "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.


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THE DETERMINATION TO SERVE

"The Son of Man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister." Matthew 20:28

Paul's idea of service is the same as Our Lord's: "I am among you as He that serveth;" "ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake." We have the idea that a man called to the ministry is called to be a different kind of being from other men. According to Jesus Christ, he is called to be the "door-mat" of other men; their spiritual leader, but never their superior. "I know how to be abased," says Paul. This is Paul's idea of service - "I will spend myself to the last ebb for you; you may give me praise or give me blame, it will make no difference." So long as there is a human being who does not know Jesus Christ, I am his debtor to serve him until he does. The mainspring of Paul's service is not love for men, but love for Jesus Christ. If we are devoted to the cause of humanity, we shall soon be crushed and broken-hearted, for we shall often meet with more ingratitude from men than we would from a dog; but if our motive is love to God, no ingratitude can hinder us from serving our fellow men.

Paul's realization of how Jesus Christ had dealt with him is the secret of his determination to serve others. "I was before a perjurer, a blasphemer, an injurious person" - no matter how men may treat me, they will never treat me with the spite and hatred with which I treated Jesus Christ. When we realize that Jesus Christ has served us to the end of our meanness, our selfishness, and sin, nothing that we meet with from others can exhaust our determination to serve men for His sake.
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Basically, Paul persecuted Christ until he was struck blind, and in his distress and darkness he was forced to see the light. Once he really GOT who Christ is, how much He loved him anyway and who he was in Him, he literally couldn't shut up about it! I'm clearly no Paul, but the one defining difference between me then and me now is that I have had the same epiphany that Paul did. In the dark until I saw the light, and now I can't shut up, either! YAY! I know WHO Jesus Christ is more deeply and completely than ever before, and I know WHO I am in Him. I cut out everything and everyone that distracted or took away from me pursuing a deeper relationship with Christ. I stopped thinking about myself and how bad it hurt and why did they do this to me and why did I do this to myself and if I could just understand perhaps it would be easier, only to sometimes get those answers and it only made it harder and getting angry when I didn't get those answers even though I knew those answers wouldn't make it better... Etc., etc., blah blah blah, yada yada yada, on and on and friggin on til I thought my head would blow off! That's an obsessive and totally counterproductive waste of time. I got over THEM, got over MYSELF and took responsibility for Me, Myself and I. I shifted the focus from them, and me and my pain, and put it on Christ.

I stopped doing recovery as a means to an end of stopping the pain and started doing recovery as a way of getting to know Christ. I stopped searching scripture and praying to God looking for MY answers, and started searching and praying looking for HIM, because He is the answer to every question. In short, God went from being my spare tire to my steering wheel. It was a subtle process, until one day, roughly 6 months into recovery, I became aware in a very difficult moment that it no longer mattered WHY it happened, WHO had done it to me or WHAT I was going to do or not do about it... it only mattered WHO God wanted me to be as a result of it, which is always more like HIM. When did that happen??? I wondered. I was SO focused on stopping the pain. But somewhere along the way, Jesus became very REAL to me in a way He never had been before. Discovering Him became more important to me than merely surviving the moment. As I became less engrossed in why I was there and how I was going to live through it, and more engrossed in WHO I was getting and becoming out of it, it stopped hurting as much and I had made progress without even noticing it! SO FREAKING COOL.

This process is not an easy one...but it IS simple. And thank GOD for that! Because when I was in the dark and didn't know my ass from my elbow, I couldn't have comprehended anything complicated! Plus, it was entirely too complicated already! Crikey I was DROWNING in how complicated and confusing and infuriating it all was! At first I didn't buy into the simplicity of it; it just seemed a little TOO easy, you know? And, of course, it pissed me off (because that was my first reaction to everything I didn't understand). But I kept at it, and eventually I could no longer deny it, twist it, spin it or hide from it. It was this simple and this TRUE. So I stopped fighting Christ and just ACCEPTED IT. It was a beautiful thing! Even though it made me look bad and feel worse to do so, it took all the power and fear away, giving me a solid foundation on which to start rebuilding my life and the tools to start putting all the pieces back together.


In addition, while there may be gray areas in life and in people's ethics, God's truth is absolute. Truth is truth. You mayn't agree with it. But it doesn't change a thing. That used to frighten me. Now it's very comforting. And it means that the same truth that works for me and for others who are living in recovery will work for you, too. So, I suppose real healing isn't just about what you are willing to do, but also about what you are willing to accept. Someone recently said to me, "It's great that this worked for you, and too bad it didn't work for him." While I get what this person was saying, it's incorrect. Truth is truth. It remains absolute, and whether or not it works is entirely up to the individual. You get out of it what you put into it. The sooner you accept that you're not in control, the sooner you get better. End of story.

The key to true healing is a bigger concept than mere survival... It’s going moment by moment and being IN each one, no matter how bad they SUCK, remembering that each moment builds on the ones before it... and those moments turn into minutes, turn into hours, turn into days, turn into weeks, turn into months, and so on and so on... and all those moments culminate in a DIRECTION, on a POSITIVE ROAD, which, if you stick with it, head toward a DESTINATION—one of healing and hope! You hold on in the shiznit moments because you KNOW that there is a moment coming when living through all the crap moments will have all been worth it. As each season of moments come and go, you get stronger, and it becomes second nature, and you don't have to think so hard anymore.

NO ONE—and I don't care who or how badass or tough you are—NO ONE can hang on through the crap without hope. You can't hope in yourself, because that got you here, didn't it? You can't hope in other people, because they all hurt you and let you down, didn't they? You can't give up hope, because you've tried that and all it did was make it worse. So at this point, what have you got to lose? You CAN hope in Christ, because He is BIGGER than all your crap and mine combined! He's the only one who will never leave you, never let you down and never leave you alone in the dark. He will also never require you to go through anything painful without a good reason that is in your best interest. Because HE LOVES YOU.

When you fully realize that He IS there, that He DOES love you, that you ARE valuable to Him and that you CAN trust Him... well that's when the relationship begins, and the love starts there. If you keep at the goal of pursuing Christ for HIS sake rather than your own, then you are well on your way to true healing. The pain will either stop or you'll be able to deal with it in a way that doesn't cripple you. Either way, YOU WIN. 

So that's the answer. That's how I did it. It's how I will continue to do it. The answers do not lie in HOW or WHAT or WHY. They rest in the WHO—Jesus, that's who! Life will continue to come my way with the same crap everyone else deals with. And thank the Lord and praise Him for his mercy and grace, loving Him and knowing Him better each day is how I will continue to live until I die or He comes back, whichever comes first.

Amen.

Happy Recovery Birthday to ME!

Today, February 19, 2010, marks ONE YEAR of recovery for me. Happy Recovery Birthday to me! **insert balloons, cakes, banners & rock band**

Most refer to their anniversaries in recovery as "sobriety birthdays" but I don't. I have the utmost respect for sobriety and those who view their milestones in this manner. Sobriety IS important, I just think the issue is bigger than merely "getting sober." HEALING recovery comes down to a question of motive, I think...are you looking to get well for NOW? Or for EVER? A quick fix versus true, lasting healing... You can "get sober" and still be REAL effed up. I should know: my dad was a "dry drunk" who stopped his drinking, but never got help for any of the issues that instigated his drinking in the first place. In fact, this approach only made him worse... He was far meaner with his words and more destructive in his denial than he ever dreamed of being with his fists. To me he wasn't really "sober" in the true definition of the word, and he was definitely FAR from being healed. 

One year ago today, I made a crucial decision—I decided to "do something different." This became my mantra, as many of you know because you've heard it for the last year ad nauseum! There was a catalyst event that, combined with everything in my life, brought me to a defining, crossroads moment where the manner in which I lived the REST OF MY LIFE came down to the answer to this question: NOT, do I want to get well? But rather: am I willing to change and to do whatever it takes to get well? Because the answer to that question was altogether a horse of a different color. No one WANTS to be an addict, or screw up his or her life, or hurt others, etc. Wanting to get well and doing something about it are two very different things. Recovery is not about what you WANT, it's about what you are WILLING TO DO. Was I willing to GET OVER MYSELF and do whatever was required to get well, to really change? 

True change occurs in the context of one's perceptions, choices and mindset. Recovery should cure the disease, not just treat the symptoms. It should be about TOTAL healing...which goes WAY deeper than the ways in which you choose to act out. Living a healthy, recovered life comes down to how you think. So in that moment, I chose Jesus, and decided to change my mind and pursue my relationship with God and healing with the same reckless abandon and wholehearted commitment to which I’d given everything else in my life that was bad and had caused me to need help in the first place. And there began a journey over the past year that is unlike any other road I've ever been down. The following verses sort of sum it all up:

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.” (Philippians 3:7-16)

“There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven…

a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build…

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end… I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3, 11 & 14)

In the beginning, I will frankly admit that choosing recovery was not a decision I fully believed in… I wasn't sure I could really change a damn thing or live a different life. But it hurt SO BAD—the cuts were deep enough that I became desperate to just TRY it, even if it didn’t work out. My life was in shambles and I had to do something… and what I’d been doing for so many years just wasn’t working. I couldn’t hide anymore.

It was also a decision of FAITH… “Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.” I was sure that I hoped to stop hurting, get well, live better… and I absolutely could not see it. But I was at the end of my rope…SOMETHING had to give or as bad as it already was, it was gonna get even worse. Although I couldn't imagine what "worse" could possibly be, I knew from long experience that just when you think it can't get worse, it absolutely CAN. I had to get over it and move on, but how? It always starts with YOURSELF, with taking personal responsibility for your choices and the consequences of them. And I can tell you the biggest thing I’ve gotten over this past year is myself. Choosing JESUS is choosing life. And not a crappy unhappy life, either! Yes, I had a LOT to deal with, and I won’t lie—it wasn’t easy. BUT… the life I have now was worth the effort. Every tear, every hurt, every offense, every drop of sweat, every ounce of blood, every price paid, every obstacle overcome, every fear faced… it was ALL WORTH IT.

I’ve had my time to be destroyed, killed, torn down… it’s now my time for healing and building…. And I’m building on and in Jesus… A REAL, TRUE relationship with Christ is the best and most precious gift one can ever hope to receive. Healing, recovery, all of it, it all begins and ends with Him and in Him. All that I was is now clean in Him. All that I am is now rooted in Him. And all that I hope to be is now defined by Him. The utter confidence that I have in myself now is, oddly enough, nothing to do with me at all. It comes from knowing exactly who I am in Christ, what He's done for me and the fact that what God does will endure forever; it can never be taken from me.

I want to take this moment to celebrate the VICTORY of today! I’m still not all I should be, but I'm for damn sure not who I was! This is where “progress, not perfection” comes into play and makes all the difference, because I AM better! “All the struggle I thought was in vain, all the mistakes one life contained—all finally start to go away… I feel like I can face the day. And I can forgive. And I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.” (From Staind's "So Far Away")

I’d also like to take this moment to thank every single person, friend or foe, who has spoken into my life. Prayed for me. Believed in me when I had no belief left in myself. Loved me. Had my back. Gotten in my face. Told me the truth even when it crushed me. Interceded for me with God. Fought for me. Supported and encouraged me, especially when I wanted to give up. Cried with me. Laughed with me (and sometimes AT me!). Been used by the Lord whether you knew it or not to show me, guide me, teach me… One of the biggest lessons is that you cannot do it alone. You just can't. If you could've fixed everything yourself, you'd have already done it. That's why we need friends, people who will form a hedge around us, hold us accountable and help us get to where we need to go. So thank you to every single person who played a part in where I am today... I love you all, whether you are active in my life today or not… you know who you are…


Last but certainly not least, I want to thank Jesus Christ, because without Him none of this would be possible nor would it be of any value. He is the key to it all. I hate that statement offends some people and puts them off to the help they so desperately need, but it is what it is. I've heard people say, "Don't hide behind scripture." I hear ya. But let me clue you in on a little piece of truth: there is no such thing as "hiding behind scripture." It's virtually impossible. Why? Because the Word of God strips away all lies and brings darkness into light, leaving everyone naked and with no place left to hide. However, if one could hide then there is no better place in the universe or all of eternity to do it than behind Jesus Christ. End of story. 


"You are only as sick as your secrets." Thankfully, I have none left! And that's where the freedom is! This journey started two years ago, with me trying to cover up all my mistakes. I got intentional about this journey a year ago, and dealt with all those mistakes, facing them, overcoming the fear of them and using that reality as a basis to determine who I want to be and why. It's been a bittersweet year, full of joy and pain, and it's funny how I ran from this my entire life, and now I wouldn't trade it. For anything.

So… one year has passed… what now?

Now I “press on.” I keep on keeping on. I keep on fighting the good fight. I keep my recovery first to make it last. I stick to the tools and principles I fought SO hard and SO long to learn. I continue to be diligent, vigilant and consistent. I keep Christ right where He is now—ever before me, so that I’m CONSCIOUS of Him at all times. I keep loving, forgiving, admitting, owning, striving for change and betterment, giving myself a break, making progress… I never give up doing something different. I stay on and in recovery because working this program is what got me to this place, and the quickest way to relapse and slip back into the insanity is to let up for even a minute.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus…” This is what I do! “Stay calm and carry on!” I also live out loud, in HD color and digital surround sound, with gratitude, bravery, humility and awareness. 

Plato said that “we can easily forgive a child for being afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” My entire life was spent in the dark, in fear of the light, avoiding truth and denying reality, running from my past. Today, my past has no hold on me whatsoever. NONE. I am FREE, baby! And I am no longer afraid. There is no high—chemical, emotional, mental, natural, whatever—NO high that feels as good as TRUE FREEDOM does. I can’t explain it… I try, I really do! But it’s something each person MUST experience for him or herself. Good luck and Godspeed with you on that journey, friends… it’ll be the most awesome trip you ever take.

Jesus saved my soul. Recovery saved my life. Now the rest of the story is still unwritten, and completely up to me in how it unfolds… “Feel the rain on your skin/ No one else can feel it for you/ Only you can let it in/ No one else can speak the words on your lips/ Drench yourself in words unspoken/ Live your life with arms wide open/ TODAY IS/ WHERE YOUR BOOK BEGINS/ THE REST IS STILL UNWRITTEN!” And the next year, and every year after that, isn't starting over... it's building on the foundation that Christ has secured in me, and attacking life instead of letting it just happen, pressing ever onward til I become all He intended me to be. It's quite exciting, really!

So stay tuned! Y’all know me! I plan to keep it inner-estin! *wink* I trust every one of you to continue on with me, patting my back or kicking my ass, depending on what's called for. *smile* 

Now… onward… with a blank page before me, pen in my hand, ending unplanned by me but already known by Jesus! Here we go...

DAY ONE…




"You are living a brand new life that is continually learning more and more of what is right, and trying constantly to be more and more like Christ who created this new life within you." Colossians 3:10