Saudade

Dear Lord, 


I learned a new word today! (You know I’m a hopeless logophile! ; D) 


Saudade [saw’da de] is a word of Portuguese/Galacian origin with no literal English translation. Wikipedia defines it as: A deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost… It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.


What a beautiful expression of that which is so elusively defined, if even such words exist to adequately and accurately express such a feeling! I personally find that to be true of so many things in life—emotions and thoughts which are so intense they’re almost tangible, yet so much bigger than our vocabulary (or any vocabulary, for that matter) are equipped.


While I am aware of an acute sense of saudade today in particular, I think I’ve been in a perpetual ebb-and-flow state of this thing my entire life, starting at the tender age when I began processing reality and individually experiencing the world around me. It’s like I’ve always known that there’s this lack of something, like a jigsaw puzzle finished save for ONE piece in the dead center (of course)—essentially rendering it undone until that last piece is located and set in place. Always conscious of this underlying “thing,” I never knew why or how or even what it was. It just made me deeply, profoundly sad. Well, no one likes to be sad, right? And for YEARS I searched—whether consciously or subconsciously—to name it correctly, identify its source and discover its root cause so I could FIX IT. 


As you know, Lord, better than even I do, that I tried just about everything to figure it out. I pretty much got it all wrong until recently, but more on that in a minute. 


Even now, as I write this from the perspective of considering many of my questions answered to a degree, there’s still so much more I don’t know. In fact, the more I learn, the less I know! Yep, that’s right! Despite where I’m at (at 40), all I’ve been through to get here and all the knowledge, wisdom and lessons I’ve acquired along the way, I still don’t fully understand it! The more I learn, the less I know. 


But the one thread that runs constant throughout the fabric of this journey is YOU, Jesus! You are the SOLE and INCONTROVERTIBLE truth upon which everything is built—the answer to my every question and that missing piece of the puzzle. I tried forcing any number of things into that one empty space in the center of my life, all in vain. Because that space was in tune with my SPIRIT. And it required a unique, specific, one-in-a-zillion-shaped piece—YOURS. It was Yours alone to fill. NOT the string of men, hobbies, habits, acting-out behaviors or anything else I tried as a substitute. You and You alone complete me.


Having said that, Lord, I still FEEL it—why? I don’t mean today, because I know the saudade has been aggravated by all the changes that have occurred recently and how fast my children are growing up! I am more aware of the acceleration of time than ever before. I can almost hear each tick, tick, tick of the second hand as each moment passes. It makes me LONG for that which I cannot have: to turn BACK that clock and recapture all the moments of my misspent youth and the childhood of my kids at more tender ages—to regain all that time wasted and all those precious moments forever lost to my narcissism and selfishness. I robbed myself and my kids of time and memories we can never get back.


It’s effing HEARTBREAKING!!!!!!


So, despite the joy I honestly do have in my life now, in YOU… there is still this tinge of sadness; the saudade. And I can’t help but ask You about it; can't help but to try and understand it.


I’m reminded of parts of my favorite passage in all of Scripture, Ecclesiastes 3:
“…What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end… I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing can be taken from it. God does it so that men will revere Him… Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account.”


If I consider saudade to be a mindset or a state of being, Lord, I know it can be triggered by certain temporal events and the awareness of losses experienced. But is it more than that? You say that You set eternity in the hearts of men. Yet we are finite beings in a finite world. The only part of our human existence that transcends time and space constraints is the spirit—it’s the only truly infinite part of who we are, the only thing that remains after the rest of it is gone. Given this fact, perhaps it’s the eternal nature of the spirit that senses such things as saudade, allowing us to even be aware of such things that would be unknowable to us if our human existence was strictly finite. Meaning, without the infinite nature of spirit, we’d be like animals moving solely on instinct with no rhyme or reason to anything, and we’d never even sense eternal anything, much less be able to think about it. But because You put something outside the time/space continuum inside us, Lord—the eternal spirit—we are able to notice, consider and on occasion know about things bigger than we are… that something is occurring for which we have not yet found the words.


This same spirit also allows us to face saudade and resist it. For while the past is indeed lost to us, You are gracious enough to always give us a second chance in the present, in this moment. You also promise us a hope in tomorrow, and is this not in and of itself a gift—a powerful weapon against saudade? We hear so often of the human spirit, that it is “strong and resilient.” I submit that this is untrue! Instead, it is the HOLY spirit, acting as a balustrade to the human one, infusing it with a strength and courage uncommon and unfound in mere mortals, which makes any human capable of withstanding. For when we are weak, YOU are strong.


So maybe saudade is merely the presence of an infinite spirit inside a finite being, and that tinge of sadness comes from the recognition that because of this innate weakness, SO MUCH is truly out of our control! And all human beings are, to varying degrees, little control freaks. Yet there is hope, coming from the knowledge that what is out of our hands is firmly, ably and capably in YOURS. This is a gift from You, Lord, for which I, personally, am immensely grateful! For saudade alone, without this hope, would be a sadness so tragic and a fact so heavy that it would be intolerable… Because You love us—love ME—You gave us free will, and the ability to think, to reason, to communicate, TO CHOOSE... thereby enabling us to find contentment and joy in the face of such heavy, sorrowful things. 


This is, along with everything else in life, a delicate balance. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; everything has a counterpart. Darkness has light. Hate has love. Sadness has joy. Anger has forgiveness. Brokenness has restoration. Sickness has healing… On and on… Each pair being opposite sides of the same coin.


Lord, I am so grateful for my salvation. I’m an expatriate here, homesick for my eternal home I’ve only gotten glimpses of but cannot yet see or fathom. I’m grateful for my secured and irrevocable eternity in Your presence. I love you and am grateful for all of it… Yet, I must be honest and say that this part of it really sucks! The consciousness You give us, the mind and soul that separates us from all other created beings, is beautiful but also terrible! It’s a severe mercy. This eternity You’ve set in my feeble, temporal, puny little heart can be SO heavy at times! Like any good sinner saved by grace, I adore the highs and loathe the lows. I like “knowing” and “awareness” but I hate the responsibility, the weight and the sadness that so often accompany these insights.


All that brings me yet again back to gratitude, Father! Because I can come to You and talk about it. I turn all this over to You. Just talking to You helps me bear it and makes it less sad and heavy. Help me to navigate this saudade with humility, dignity and grace. I want to honor You in all I say and do. Help me to thrive and flourish today; rather than wilting under the weight of the eternity in my heart, let it be the freedom that allows my spirit to soar on wings like an eagle! 


I am encouraged and inspired knowing that You make “all things beautiful in their time,” and that my time of beauty is coming, and is even already underway. Saudade alone brings to mind what I’ve lost, on what is unrecoverable to me. To quote Browning, saudade prompts the realization that “a common greyness silvers everything,” because it focuses only what I can grasp. But You help me to focus on all that I’ve gained, on all that has been restored and made worthy again in Your name. This is a focus on my reach—“Speak as they please, what does the mountain care? Ah, but a man’s REACH must EXCEED his GRASP, or what’s a heaven for?”


These quotes are from Robert Browning’s poem entitled, “Andrea del Sarto.” It means “The Faultless Painter.” Del Sarto was a Renaissance painter held in high regard for his technical skill. Yet it was this same skill for which he was criticized, Vasari being his most vocal. Vasari alleged that, though having all the prerequisites of a great artist, del Sarto lacked ambition and that divine fire of inspiration for which the works of his more famous contemporaries (Leonardo, Raphael, Michaelangelo) were highly praised. He said that “while he had great technical skill, his paintings lacked ‘soul.’” 


Everyone’s a critic, right? LOL! Yet cannot this same thing be generally said, Lord, of each and every human being? If we are viewed as artists, our lives as the canvas on which we paint with strokes of experience; of good decisions and bad ones, of victories and defeats, of emotions and thoughts—then to some degree, we can all be considered artists with “great technical skill.” Whether or not our individual masterpieces have “soul” is determined by whether or not we reach, in spite of the opinions, criticisms and praise of others, or if we are merely content with what we can easily grasp. 


Whether or not Vasari’s and others’ opinions of del Sarto’s art are true, still… He reached! And this, to me, at day’s end, Lord, is what separates a true artist from painting by numbers. It is also the strongest defense against the saudade we ALL face; our REACH is what keeps us from allowing the saudade to overtake us. 


“You turn your face, but does it bring your heart?
I’ll work then, for your friend’s friend...
You smile? Why, there’s my picture, ready-made!
There’s what we painters call harmony!
A common greyness silvers everything—all in a twilight,
You and I alike…
The last monk leaves the garden; days decrease,
And autumn grows, autumn in everything…
As if I saw alike my work and self
And all that I was born to be and do.
A twilight piece. Love, we are in God’s hand.
How strange now, looks the life He makes us lead;
So free we seem—so fettered fast we are!...
I can do with my pencil what I know,
What I see, what, at bottom of my heart,
I wish for, if I ever wish so deep…
Well less is more, Lucrezia; I am judged.
There burns a truer light of God in them…
Their works drop groundward, but themselves, I know
Reach many a time a heaven that’s shut to me, 
Enter and take their place there sure enough,
Though they come back and cannot tell the world.
My works are nearer heaven, but I sit here…
I, painting from myself and to myself, 
Know what I do, am unmoved by men’s blame.
Or their praise, either…
Speak as they please, what does the mountain care?
Ah, but a man’s reach must exceed his grasp, 
Or what’s a heaven for? All is silver-grey,
Placid and perfect with my art; the worse!...
Well I can fancy how he did it all,
Pouring his soul, with kings and popes to see, 
Reaching, that heaven might so replenish him,
Above and through his art—for it gives way;
That arm is wrongly put—and there again,
A fault to pardon in the drawing’s lines,
Its body, so to speak; its soul is right,
He means right—that, a child may understand.
Still, what an arm! And I could alter it;
But all the play, the insight and the stretch…
I might have done it for you. So it seems;
Perhaps not. All is as God over-rules.
Beside, incentives come from the soul’s self; 
The rest avail not. Why do I need you?...
In this world, who can do a thing, will not;
And who would do it, cannot, I perceive;
Yet the will’s somewhat—somewhat,
Too, the power—
And thus, we half-men struggle.
At the end, God, I conclude, compensates, punishes.
‘Tis safer for me if the award by strict,
That I am something underrated here.
Poor this long, while, despised to speak the truth…
And I’m the weak-eyed bat no sun should tempt
Out of the grange whose four walls make his world.
How could it end in any other way?
You called me, and I came home to your heart. 
The triumph was—to reach and stay there; 
Since I reached it ere the triumph, what is lost?...
I am grown peaceful as old age tonight.
I regret little, I would change still less.
Since there my past life lies, why alter it?...
No doubt, there’s something strikes a balance. 
Yes, you loved me quite enough, it seems tonight.
This must suffice me here. What would one have?
In heaven, perhaps, new chances, one more chance—
Four great walls in the New Jerusalem,
Meted on each side by the angel’s reed, 
For Leonard, Rafael, Agnolo and me to cover—
The three first without a wife,
While I have mine! So—still they overcome
Because there’s still Lucrezia, 
As I choose..."


(My chosen excerpts from “The Faultless Painter”)




I love You, Lord. I offer this "saudade" I feel so intensely and acutely today to You, and everything else with it, ALL of me... for Yours is ultimately the only opinion that matters to me. Thank You that despite the tinges of sadness and pain that go along with being fully ALIVE, it's ultimately the flip side of that coin that really matters... No matter what anyone else says or thinks, I won't give up. Thank You for listening to me. I mayn't fully understand all this, but it does help to just get it off my chest. ; D


I reach...


Amen.

Authenticity

"Now you followed my teaching, conduct, purpose, faith, patience, love, perseverance, persecutions and sufferings, such as happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium and at Lystra; what persecutions I endured, and out of them all the Lord rescued me! Indeed, all who desire to live Godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them." (2 Timothy 3:10-14)


Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Sanity, then, can be described as "wholeness of mind; making decisions based on truth."


I may not be all I am supposed to be yet. But I have come so, SO far from who I was. "Progress, not perfection" has saved me time and time again. Because I live my life now as an ongoing process to dedication to reality at all costs, so even when I mess up, I can still choose to stop, get back onto the path and keep going. This is an incredibly precious gift to me, and a concept I wish I had grasped and lived the first 14 years of being a Christian. 


It doesn't matter what is said about me or to me. It only matters what God says about me and to me, and that my responses at every turn are to HIM and to HIS TRUTH, not some random person's evil twists on the truth. This is what matters. There is no sense in putting any stock in what's said or done by evil men and women, impostors who care more about looking wrong or feeling wrong than they do of the fact that they ARE wrong. 


I know exactly what I have "learned and become convinced of," and I know exactly from "whom I have learned" these things. So I choose today, and every day, to go on the truth that I know: Jesus loves me. He has changed me. I am new. And that is an authentic life, and a permanent one. 


Period.


Thank you so much, Lord, for the sanity and peace of mind I have in you. Thank you SO MUCH from saving me from myself, from looking at things in my own twisted, finite, erroneous way. I am so grateful that Your Truth is absolute. As Churchill said, "Truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it. But there it is." 


Amen.

Transformation

It's important, I think, to have a daily time with Jesus. Or as near to that as you can get. Otherwise, it's easy to start owning all the things people throw at you as truth. In order to stay the course, to keep seeing things correctly and in truth when others are trying to turn it all around, you MUST have a solid foundation to rest on.

In Romans 12, Paul says: "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

One of my best friends has been telling me for the last ten years to "change how you think." Used to drive me completely batty. It was her go-to for every problem: "Tell yourself the truth. Change how you think." Over and over and over and over until I wanted to shoot myself in the face with a bazooka! But she was right. Our success or failure in this life comes down to exactly that: how we think.

It's an awesome and wondrous thing  to have God transform you. Amazing! Once you get to the other side, that is. But the process itself of having your mind renewed is NOT an easy one. It's invasive. It's painful. There's no anesthetic. There's no place to hide. In order for God to renew your mind, absolute honesty is required. He's God, so there's no lies, no deception, no manipulation... You don't get to pick and choose the pieces of the truth that make you comfy or fit your own views. It's all or nothing. And it's scary as all get out! Especially if you've been doing it YOUR way for oh, say, 30+ years.

But let me also say this: it is worth every single second, every single tear, every single fear or hurt or resentment or whatever you have to face down in order to go through this process. Because once you do, once God truly renews your heart, your mind, your spirit... Man, there's no high this side of Heaven that even comes close! 

For me, I didn't even realize I was undergoing the process while it was happening. I was just going along, working my recovery program. I was praying, doing the workbooks, following the steps. I was going to work every day. Being a mom. Etc. Then one day I was confronted with someone from my past, someone I'd had an issue with. I didn't hide or make excuses... I just talked to them, made my apologies. And we started talking... After about a while, this person says to me, "Wow. I never thought this conversation would go this way. You really are different."

Could have blown me over with a feather. I was like, really? This person, with tears streaming down, said, simply, "Yes." And we cried together. This person forgave me and said, "Obviously you can't take back what happened. But I've given you ample opportunity to do what you would have done before. You haven't. In fact, it's just the opposite. Keep on doing what you are doing. It's going to make a huge difference in a lot of people's lives." That person and I ended up becoming really close friends, and it's a friendship I treasure.

Of course, it doesn't always go that way. I mean sometimes, things just can't be fixed. But this person told me that it didn't matter what I've done so much as what I do. "Jen you could be like soooo many people and hide your pain, hide your mistakes. It's great what God has done for you. But anyone can talk about good things God does. I LIKE that you are open and honest about it all, that you say, hey I screwed up royally, and this was my mindset, and here's how God changed it, and by the way, He can do it for you, too--your openness about not being perfect just makes it better." I hadn't thought of it like that before. Yet I think this person was right.

I have made a LOT of bad decisions that resulted in pain for a lot of people. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, but hey, doesn't it go that way for many of us? Have you ever been in a situation where your intentions and the end result were two very different things? It kinda sucks! Especially when you are looking someone you have hurt in the face, and watching them cry because of what YOU have done, and "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it in that moment, ya know? Right then, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what you intended. It only matters what you DID.

There was a woman, a friend, that I hurt with one of my bonehead decisions. She's really the person who kickstarted the whole recovery journey for me. She was quite the class act. Instead of railing at me like she had every right to do, she showed me grace. She was merciful to me, even in the midst of the pain I had caused her. I mean, I hurt her, you know? Yet SHE reached out to ME, because a) that's just who she is, and b) she genuinely cared about me, knew that there was more to me than the sum total of my mistakes, and wanted me to get help. Talk about humbling.

She looked me in the eye and instead of calling me names, she told me flat out, "This is not who God intended you to be, Jenifer. You are smarter, better, than the person you have become. You need to get help, and you need to do it now. You need to stop running and start facing who you are. Let God fix you, heal you. THEN you can help people again. I know you can do it, Jen. You've been trying to do it, but you can't help others when you won't help yourself." Then she told me not to let her pain be for nothing. She said, "Make all this count for something! Don't let me down." I looked her right back in the eye and promised her, "I won't."

And I haven't. I took her words to heart. And I started the very next day trying to "do something different." We aren't actively friends today. But I will be forever grateful to her for setting me straight! I don't know many people--well, almost no one, frankly--who can show grace and mercy when they are hurting.  A mutual friend had been keeping her abreast of how I was doing. And the last time I saw her, we hugged, we cried, and she told me she was very glad that I took her advice and that I was getting better. I will never ever forget what she did for me.

I say all this because I tried, for years and years, to fix it myself. I'd do ok, then screw up, then self-destruct out of guilt and pride... then I'd swear I was gonna get it right "this time" and I'd do better, and the whole sick cycle would begin all over again. On and on, until I was bone-weary from the cumulative consequences of a lifetime's worth of bad decisions.

They say in recovery, "If you could fix it yourself, if you could do this on your own, you wouldn't need recovery." How true. NO ONE, and I don't give a sick rat's butt WHO you are, or how strong you are, can do it alone. And even then, you can be strong enough, perhaps, to clean up your act. But NO ONE, and again I DO mean no one, can TRULY heal or get well without Christ. Period. End of story. Because ALL addiction is sin, and ALL sin, whether addictive or not, is a spiritual problem. Only Jesus can heal the spirit.

How does He do this? By transforming your mind, which affects your thinking, your feelings and your behavior. It ALL starts with how you think.

Let me say very clearly: recovery is NOT for cowards! The process is hard. It's painful. It's terrifying at times. But if you truly want to get well, you will be desperate to do whatever it takes. That is where I was... where we ALL must be in order for true change to occur. We must be at rock bottom, with no excuses left, at the end of ourselves, ready and willing to surrender every single stinking dirty rotten atom of it all to Jesus no matter how scared we are. The pain must outweigh the fear. When it does, when you are totally sick of yourself and ready to surrender, then God can do something with you. Then He will begin to transform you.

As I said before, I didn't even know how much I'd changed until I was confronted with the person who is now one of my dearest friends. I knew I was changing, yes, but I certainly didn't realize it was so visible to others. I didn't even know myself how far I'd come until I handled that encounter SO differently, and that person pointed it out.

Nobody likes pain or discipline when it's happening. But once you stop fighting it and just DO it, man, it's worth every second. Today, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not with all Jesus has done in me, through me and for me. I wouldn't trade my WORST day on this side of it for ALL my very BEST days in the past all wrapped up into one and tied with a bow.

One of the best things about God cleaning you and making you into a new creation is that it is PERMANENT. No one can take it away from you. No one. No matter what they say, what they do, what they throw in your face, it doesn't change it. I know what I know now. In the past, I was guilty. I gave all that, every last bit of it, to Jesus. And now I AM clean. I AM forgiven. I AM new. And when I feel guilty because of past mistakes, or am beating myself up because of a new one, or feeling shame because of who I USED to be, I just remember that Jesus has given me a CLEAN heart, and a RIGHT spirit, and that I am a NEW CREATION. Period. End of discussion.

I gotta tell ya. It feels REALLY GOOD.

"He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the dimly burning flame. He will encourage the fainthearted, those tempted to despair. He will see full justice given to all who have been wronged." (Isaiah 42:3)

"He who walks in integrity walks securely." (Proverbs 10:9)

They say in recovery that you are only as sick as your secrets. Well, those scriptures used to scare the crap out of me because I had made mistakes; I had so many secrets I couldn't keep them all straight! Now I take heart in them, because there are no more secrets between God and I. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. And I no longer feel the need to be. A recovered life is a work in progress.

Now the full justice belongs to me as well. I have my integrity through Christ. And He has surrounded me with amazing friends and incredible support. I am His, and my story is HIS story.

That can never be taken from me.

Better than a hallelujah

Went to Hope Pres yesterday. Amy Grant was in town with hubby Vince Gill to support Target House, a facility to house children who are patients of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital when their treatment will be longer than 3 months. Amy is good friends with the worship leader there, and she helped lead all 4 services for the weekend.

Her new album, "Somewhere Down The Road," came out this year. It's incredible. I decided when I first heard it 2 months ago that I'd do my favorite song on it, "Better Than A Hallelujah," when I give my testimony at group this fall. Because it's a song that describes what true recovery, and life itself in Christ, is really all about, and aptly describes the last two years of my life. Hearing her sing it, strumming her guitar in her jeans, reinforced that message for me in a big way.

"We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah"

Working this program, if you approach it with the right attitude, becomes so much more than a set of rules or a series of steps. You show up ragged as a vagabond, wounded and utterly broken, disheveled and bone-weary from the cumulative consequences of a lifetime's worth of regrets earned from one bad choice after another. You're sick of feeling pain, sick of causing it. Life has become an obstacle to overcome. Every day brings more nightmares, more tears, more misery. Even though I participate in "Celebrate Recovery," you start out there because there's nothing left in life (or so you think) to celebrate anymore.

CR is based on 8 Principles and 12 Steps, all straight out of scripture and so you begin to hear TRUTH. You look, REALLY look, at your life without excuse or defense. That's called "surrendering." Sometimes (well, usually) it's all you have the energy to do. Your hands are sore and arthritic from clinging, white-knuckled, to your issues because you think there's nothing left without them... There's no faith, no fight, no formula left, and you're so bent over from the chains of bondage that, when that revelation of choice comes, you just let go. It's no big, dramatic action because it's all you can do to pry your fingers off... But you do it. That moment is when your new life truly begins.

Working the program may start out as steps, but they're not aimless; this path has a purpose, a destination. This road leads straight to Christ and to freedom. The more truth you hear, the more acceptance you experience, the more love you are given by people who are just like you, the stronger your faith becomes. You stop "stepping" and start living. Each "step" is an act of obedience, and through it Jesus breathes life into you and suddenly, miraculously, life's not as heavy. You can breathe a little easier, stand a little straighter, think a little more clearly.

We are not a burden to the Lord, people. We aren't taxing Him with our whining, crying, complaining and stubborn ways... We aren't wearing Him out with our questions and prayers. He can take it; He WANTS it. There's no question too big, no issue too powerful for Him, and He already knows where each and every one of us are! Has it ever occurred to you that nothing ever occurs to God?! He knows EXACTLY what's going on in your life, in your mind and in your soul. He's just waiting on US... First to see it, then to bring it to Him and, finally, to let it go by leaving it all in HIS more-than-capable hands.

He never wastes one single second of our lives. NOT ONE. Every single moment matters. So when we truly break, when we hit our knees and just talk to Him, getting honest and pouring out our hearts to Him, rules and religion fly out the window and you've begun a bonafide relationship with Jesus... Every word we pour out to Him really is a melody!

Because "we are weak, but He is strong." Because His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Because it's not enough to simply believe; the sinner's prayer is about accepting Him first as Savior, then as LORD. That's the piece I'd missed. I believed, but I kept trying to be Lord in my life and in others' lives. But there's only room for one Lord, and it ain't me! Getting to that place is when your stone heart turns into flesh, and you see how ALIVE the love of the Lord really is. And that is truly something to celebrate.

Man I LOVE that song! It's truth. When I give Jesus all of me, even the ugliness, to Him, it is indeed "better than a hallelujah." Because those are the times I'm fulfilling the purpose He created me for: to love and worship Him in spirit and in truth. And that act of faith, in and of itself, is a resounding, "Hallelujah!" 


Here is the song. Enjoy.

Fugue and the Stone Heart

Some days, no matter what you do or how hard you try, it's just really hard to keep going. The simplest things seem so difficult to do... Your heart feels heavy and even the air is thick, like pea soup, and hard to breathe... Ugh. I hate days like this.


I have a pile of work on my desk. I have a thousand things going on this weekend. I've been busier than usual, just running nonstop for days on end with projects and deadlines and homework and housework and...blah blah freaking blah. Life is going pretty well, but today all I want to do is crawl under the covers and sleep until this feeling goes away. What makes it harder is that I cannot identify what, exactly, this feeling actually IS or why I'm feeling it. It's annoying! There's nothing really "wrong." I just know there is a deep sadness hanging over me like a black cloud and it's hard to shake. I'm doing all the same things I've been doing; I pray, I read my Bible, I journal, I try to lend a hand when God puts things in my path. But nothing is working, at least not yet. I don't give up, but I've never been very patient or good at waiting. (Which is why I NEVER pray for patience, ya know? If there were such a thing as a "trick prayer" that would surely be it!)


I get a little scared whenever I get like this because it's too much a reminder of how I felt all the time B.C.: "Before Christ," meaning prior to recovery and a new walk with Christ. Even as a Christian for 14 years, an underlying sadness was ever-present with me, like a burr under a saddle, at all times, no matter how happy I might have been in the moment. Needless to say, it SUCKED. That is no longer true. High drama and clandestine depression don't plague me like they used to. Most of the time I am truly joyful--and anyone who knew me before knows what a huge statement that is! So in addition to having to experience this feeling, there's this idea in my head that I shouldn't be feeling this way, which brings out the guilt and the perfectionist in me. Crikey! Talk about a drag! Perfectionism is SUCH a waste of time! It still gets the best of me sometimes, I suppose; I have difficulty with the monotony of daily life and just being human. I do NOT miss the drama, don't get me wrong. It's just that there was so much of it for so long that it is sometimes just downright odd to not have it! The highs and lows occupied all of me, and I do mean ALL of me. Now, most of the time, life is like a lake in the early morning before the boats and skiers get going--smooth as glass, not a ripple in sight. Quiet. Still. Calm. And I like it, I'm just not used to it yet, you know? I guess it makes sense, since I lived 38 years one way and only two the new way. Amazing how much time you free up when you turn your back on that way of life and walk away.


Still, the mountaintop experiences with the Lord are so amazing that having to come back down into the valley for a time is more of a chore than it used to be before I reached a new level with God. Like flying coach your whole life, then suddenly and unexpectedly getting to sit in first class, only to go back to coach. Let's be honest, that sucks! If you never fly first class, you never know what you're missing! To have to go back and sit in row 199 only makes me long for row 1 or 2 even more.


I know that I know that I know that I'm saved, that God loves me, that I'm changed and better and I really have gained solid ground that can't be taken from me. I'm praying through this and trying to understand why it has to suck so bad to be human sometimes. I tell myself the truth, do the next right thing, all that recovery and Jesus stuff that is usually so much easier than it is right now... But right now it is HARD and this stupid malaise just won't go away... And my mind, acting as my worst enemy instead of my greatest ally today, starts nitpicking, looking for all the loopholes. Instead of the usual confidence in knowing the truth about loopholes, today they look more to me like industrial-strong rope tied in nooses. I feel like just one misstep and I'll trip and fall.


I guess this feeling is scary to me because most of the time, I FEEL like a "new creation." Literally. The person I used to be and that old life seem a million miles away, almost like it happened to someone else. But on days like this my old life doesn't feel like it's that far behind me at all, almost like it's STILL happening, even though I know that isn't true. And my stupid brain, still fighting off bad programming, starts questioning and second-guessing and considering words like "fugue." Damn, fugue is a scary word! I don't like that word. Then come the what-if's: What if this really is a fugue, and I wake up and all this good stuff really didn't happen? What if I wake up and I don't even remember what it's like to be peaceful and have joy?! Etc., etc., yada yada yada. 


So I soldier on and tell myself the truth. All that is a LIE from the pit of hell, because anything that produces fear isn't from God. FEAR is nothing more than False Evidence Appears Real. But it is NOT real. So I know this feeling will pass. I know it's "going to" be ok. Man, I used to hate it when people said that to me. In the back of my mind I'd always think, yeah, well when is "going to?" Like being on the interstate in a torrential downpour, a tsunami of rain coming down so hard you can barely see... You know it will eventually stop but it just blows to be traveling in those conditions.


Good thing I've learned that emotions have no intellect or reason. They are just feelings. They have only the meaning I give them; no more, no less. Otherwise, I might just spiral into some ridiculous, self-destructive, existentialist nonsense and I'd have to start all over again. But that was the old me. The New Me hunkers down, batons down the hatches and waits out the fog, even wishing there was a storm! At least that would be exciting. There's thunder and pouring rain and darkness, but at least when the lightning flashes there's enough light to see for a moment. In the cold, dense fog, it's easy to get disoriented. Plus it's just that ugly gray. Yuck.

Bottom line, today I just feel heavy, like I've gained too much weight in my soul, you know? But at least I KNOW that and can recognize that I'm "feeling again." LOL! There I go feeling again! But at least I'm feeling! And it's not random with no purpose, because I know that God never wastes a single second. I've been a bookworm my whole life, from a very young age, and one of my most favorite authors is Agatha Christie. I'm reminded of a quote of hers: "I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable... but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be ALIVE is a grand thing." True story there.

Having a heart of stone means you don't have to feel like I do today. I was so terrified of feeling this way that the majority of my life has been spent trying to avoid it. The problem with a stone heart, though, is that you don't feel ANYTHING. Sure, you protect yourself from the fugue and the ICK. Yet those same walls that protect you from the bad stuff keep the good stuff from getting in, too. Stuff like love and happiness and wonder and peace... That's not a price I'm willing to pay anymore. I don't have to be afraid of feelings because they are just feelings. And I don't have to be afraid of my past, either, because in Christ that old me and that old life really ARE as far away as they feel most of the time. This new me and this new life are no fugue that I'll awaken from but have no recollection of. The "new creation" living a new life is as real as the feelings I'm having today--even more so, actually.

So while it still is a scary thing and it just sucks to feel this way, now I have Christ. And He makes all the difference... which is why I feel so incredibly, intensely, monumentally SORRY for people who just refuse to get it. It's so SAD to allow your fears and resentments to lead the way, so afraid of being wrong that you remain trapped in the blame game, never taking responsibility for yourself. Anyone who lives like that will never be a "new creation" because taking responsibility is a requirement. As bad as it sucks today, trust me, it's been a LOT worse! Before I had nothing more than this feeling. Now I have Jesus. I no longer trust solely in myself, my experience, my own limited knowledge or my feelings. ESPECIALLY not my feelings! The ruler of all time and eternity is watching out for me. My trust is in Him. It's okay to be scared. And it's okay to feel whatever this crapola feeling is I'm experiencing today. Because that comes with the territory when Jesus changes a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. A flesh heart comes with the full-on human experience and allows one to be and to feel and to LIVE in ways that just aren't possible otherwise. I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, yeah? Otherwise you are stuck with the fear of fugue and a stone heart. That sucks WAY worse than this feeling. I'll take my new flesh heart any day and all day Sunday.

To have a heart of flesh is to be truly ALIVE, and that, as Christie so aptly put it, is a "grand thing."

I know I'll get there. Some days are just harder than others. But I'm alive, I'm here and I'm hanging in until this fog passes and the sun shines hot and bright again.


Thank You, my precious Jesus, for a new me and a new life. My very worst day in Reality is worth more to me now than all my best days in Denial, put together and wrapped in a bow. Thank You for my heart of flesh and all that comes with it, good or bad, because to die with You is far better than to live alone. Amen.

Another day, another lesson

I love to learn. I just hate school.

Learning is fun; school is discipline. I love the knowledge I have that comes from learning, it's just the process of learning that I end up rebelling against. In addition, learning is easy when it's something I'm interested in knowing. But the things I NEED to know are often boring to me, especially if I haven't realized my need for that knowledge yet.

That was true in the yesteryear, and it's still true of me today. I love my recovery work, my Bible study and reading and learning about things I'm genuinely interested in. But sometimes there are lessons that God teaches me for my own good, to grow my character and bring me closer to Him. I don't like it and I usually complain (a LOT) along the way, but He loves me enough to teach me anyway... even if He has to teach me more than once.

The only thing I don't like about learning is RElearning. See, I seem to have a hole in my brain. Knowledge goes in, right? But somewhere there's a hole or a leak and it goes out. Or perhaps my filing system is off and I just can't recall where exactly I placed the object of that lesson...? Either way, I looooooathe relearning something that I've already learned.

However, there's an upside to relearning: it serves many times as a reminder of why I needed that lesson in the first place. For instance, I have a glass stovetop at home. They're much easier to clean the traditional stoves with eyes; I love not having to pull the eye out, take out the bottom, put new tinfoil on it, etc. But a glass stovetop gets hot quicker and faster, and requires flat pots and pans so food cooks more evenly, so it's not a good idea to cook things on high. I learned this the hard way after burning dinner and dishes to a crisp, which led to me having to recook dinner and purchase new cookware. So I know not to do this, right? But I'm human, I'm impatient, I'm a single mom and I get in a hurry. I forget... Ergo, on occasion I will try to cook something on high and burn dinner (again) and have to spend money on a new pot or pan (again). This process doesn't mean I didn't learn the lesson the first time; it simply means that I have let other stresses and concerns get in the way of what I already know. Depending on who one is determines how many times this process will have to be repeated before one will stop and think, ok, I either need to take a little more time here and cook it correctly so we actually get to eat and I save the life of this pan, or I can just order pizza. : ) Getting to that place of thinking and being able to apply one's lessons to find more time or alternative solutions is a mark of maturity.

This was the one thing that I was unable to get for SO long in my life. I just kept repeating the same things over and over again because I wasn't willing to stop, evaluate, think about what worked and what didn't. (Damn good thing I didn't have a glass stovetop then! I'd be bankrupt!) One of the gifts of recovery and a close walk with Jesus is the ability to apply what I've learned to any given situation. When I get it right, I'm thrilled beyond belief! When I make a mistake or get it wrong, I'm able to look at it and say, ok here's what worked and here's what I can do next time. This is the essential thought process that has brought true change and real growth for me. Lookit me, being all growed up and stuff!

WISDOM is knowledge applied. You can know things all day long, and learn and learn and learn, but until you USE IT, that knowledge is useless.

Case in point: I've learned that God loves me and has forgiven me, that I am washed clean and that I'm truly free from my past. I've done wrong and I've been wronged, I know the mindset behind it all and I get what makes people tick in general. So when I'm viciously attacked, unwarranted, by one person who is a total stranger to me and another person who just plain ought to know better, I can reach into that arsenal of truth I have, gained from lessons and mistakes and long experience and a close relationship with Christ, and apply those truths to CHOOSE my response. I am hurt and angry about it, yes. They throw my past in my face, use this blog to call me a hypocrite and try to use it as ammunition to hurt me, air my dirty laundry to anyone who will listen, and just generally do everything they can to hurt me and destroy me. It hurts.

But, wisdom tells me some things... I know why they're doing it, where it's coming from, how they're thinking because I used to think that way. I know that ultimately I might be their target, but I'm not really the issue. This helps calm me down; it gives me a broader perspective and understanding, which helps me not to react to it. IT IS NOT EASY. I'm a Christian and I love Jesus. But I'm not perfect, ya know? I'm a redneck country girl with many opinions and a passionate nature. I can get ill-tempered. I WANT to react, to unleash the power of my sarcasm on them and give them a dose of their own medicine. I WANT to retaliate and put their little minds straight. I won't lie about that.

But I am a child of God. HE is my validation and my strength, and everything good and worthy and awesome about me is ALL HIM. Yes, I have faults, but He's also given me a sweet spirit who wants peace and harmony. I forgive easy and what I want MORE than to win is to be right with God. So I try to get past the injustice of it all, and I ask God every day to keep His arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth! Some days I do ok, other days I struggle, and every once in a while I just flat screw it up. But it's ok, because no matter what anyone says or does, they can't take away my forgiveness, my grace, my peace... and they cannot rob me of my CHOICES. I have a will and a mind and I can still choose. So even if they get the better of me and provoke me into a bad reaction, I can STILL CHOOSE to stop that, to go a different way, take a different path. So even when I lose a battle, I still win the war.

All this comes from the learning and relearning process that God puts every single one of His children through. Some children refuse it; they stomp around and throw tantrums and refuse to listen, which makes them fools. Others at least attempt to listen and receive God's discipline and instruction, which is the beginning of wisdom.

I could write a book about this, but I'll close now with this thought... I know all about spiritual warfare. There is a battle that rages on for control of our minds. How we think determines our choices and behaviors, and the only winning strategy is to pursue Christ and tell yourself the truth at all times so that you can make good choices, and know what to do when you don't.

As to my recent situation, here's what I've learned (and relearned ; D).
"There is now NO condemnation for those of us in Christ Jesus." Since I'm "in Christ Jesus," this applies to me. You can dredge up my past and throw it at me like mud... but you won't make me any less clean. Trying to make ME look dirty won't make YOU any less wrong or more clean.

"You are now a NEW CREATION in Christ; all the old things have been made new." Yeah, I've made more mistakes than you can shake a stick at. But that is NOT who I am. I am no longer the person I used to be. Not because I say so, but because HE says so. And all the love and support I get from the friends and family who actually know me and have seen me change know this. So say what you want; just because you say so doesn't make it true. I'm a NEW creation, and you can't make me go back.

Out of all of the lessons, this is the most thrilling one to me: "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc; no weapon formed against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from Me."

Well I am a servant of the Lord, and this is MY heritage. Do you see what He's saying? HE created the destroyer who accuses, HE created the weapons and therefore, it is HE who decides that the wormtongues of this world may be able to beat me down for a moment, but they cannot defeat me. He won't allow it. Because I am HIS.

Damn, if that ain't good news, I don't know what is! I hate having to learn that lesson again, but I also LOVE the utter thrills and chills that sends down my spine. Because when you have a past like mine, have made the mistakes that I've made, THAT kind of love and total forgiveness is worth any price you have to pay for it... only it is FREE. The fact that they can dredge all that up but it just DOES NOT MATTER is irrevocable. And it's TRUTH.

"TRUTH is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it. But there it is." (Churchill)

So, there ya have it: the lesson for the day. I, JENIFER BARRON, AM FREE, FORGIVEN AND CLEAN AS A WHISTLE. That is TRUTH. And no matter what you say, what you do, what skeletons you dredge up (or really, just MAKE up) or how much you hate on me... my freedom, forgiveness and cleanliness are INCONTROVERTIBLE.

Control and Infantile Egomaniacs

You can't control other people. If you try to, you give all your freedom to them. (Sam Haines)

I find myself today with so much to say that I don't have a specific idea; there's a lot going on in my life and therefore, in my head, that I'm trying to process, which makes it hard to write... but since this whole blog started out as a way for me to process (and hopefully help others out along the way) I'll just write. So forgive me on the front end if it seems more random than normal. : )

Funny how we all have these ideas or expectations about things that are totally subconscious; we don't even realize they are in our heads until something doesn't turn out like we wanted it to or an expectation isn't met. Then we are awakened to the fact that, hey, I guess I thought this and gee, isn't it disappointing that it ended up this way... I don't know where it comes from...? The way we are brought up, perhaps? Or, maybe it's just a lifetime of programming that becomes instinctual and is never confronted until one is forced to make a decision. However it comes about, I seem to have more than my fair share of these subconscious notions. One of the biggest ones I've had to face is about control.

Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what's gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.

I love this quote from Days of Thunder. Nicole Kidman is giving Tom Cruise to and what for, and to me she summed up in two sentences what life is about—and what it isn't.

In recovery, the first step is to admit you are powerless and that your life has become unmanageable. In traditional recovery, this step is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol or drugs or food or whatever. But Celebrate Recovery adds to this step, stating that we are powerless, not just over our addictions, but also over our compulsive behaviors. See, to me, this is where it all hangs in the balance. I love AA and all the other traditional recovery programs; I have the utmost respect for what they do and appreciation for how they help. But the reason CR was for me was because I'm an addict's addict—I didn't have a specific "thing" I needed to be saved from except MYSELF. I was addicted to ME.

I wanna talk about ME/ wanna talk about I/ wanna talk about Number One/ Oh MY/ ME MY... (Toby Keith)

That's all well and good, but at some point you just get sick of yourself. I had reached the end of ME. I didn't just want to stop "acting out." I no longer wanted to just get through this moment. I was done with getting better. I wanted to get WELL, and for good! So just dealing with symptoms wasn't going to cut it. I'd done all that. I needed to think big picture and long term. I'd gone as far as I could go trying to deal with my "issues." I truly thought I was just the picture of mental health and that all my "issues" were because I got smashed that weekend or because I didn't feel like going to work or because "that guy" was a douche and wah wah wah there was always SOMETHING or SOMEONE ELSE to blame, you know? It just had to be THEIR fault! Because the alternative was that it was MY fault, and I was just such a good person, that couldn't possibly be the case, right?! What a colossal joke!

My life was a total wreck. My mind was in shambles, my heart was gone, my physical health had deteriorated... yet when I was REALLY honest, and I'm talking balls-to-the-wall, no-holds-barred, BRUTAL honest... I couldn't help but see the truth. And that was: Jen, you are an idgit. An honest-to-goodness idgit. I had tried just about everything you could possibly imagine to "fix it." NOTHING worked. Because my "issues" were so much bigger than anything that could be summed up with alcohol or drugs or broken relationships with "bad people." I WAS BAD PEOPLE! And that was a truth that broke my heart... I'd known all along over the years that I was selling out, giving up, giving in, backing down, that I wasn't the person I should be. But for whatever reasons were available at the time, I just kept making excuses. One after the other. And the stupid thought patterns got worse: "Oh THIS time it will be different," and on and on.

So the bottom line was that I had become someone I knew I wasn't supposed to be. Still ME, just the really bad, evil twin version. I KNEW I was meant for more—that this self-absorbed, over-indulgent, immature, insecure, narcissistic control freak fruit loop child I had become. I was in a black hole and needed to get a grip, grow up and LIVE.

And how did I get to that black hole? By being addicted to MYSELF. I'd adopted this victim mentality because of all the extensive and horrific abuse I'd survived as a child. I got older, bad things kept happening, and I decided, "God doesn't care or He wouldn't allow this! I don't need Him! I'll take care of my damn self! I'll do it MY WAY."

Ummmm ok YEAH that didn't work out so well.

There's so much more to this but I started out talking about control, and there's the rub: you are an infantile egomaniac, living on a spinning ball in space with a gazillion other infantile egomaniacs. And life is a power struggle because there's only one spinning ball and only so much to go around, or so you think, so you do all you can to control all you can because this is all there is, right?! WRONG. Life is not about being the Top-Dog Infantile Egomaniac in charge of all the other infantile egomaniacs. It's impossible, anyway. Because you may have someone right where you want them—you may have a truckload of "proof" of every little mistake they've ever made, you may know every single rotten thing about them, know every single skeleton and all their dirty laundry... and you can tell everyone all you know, take out an ad in the paper and put up billboards all over town, you can publicize, criticize, antagonize and just do your worst—BUT you still can't control them. Because no matter what you do or say, and despite all you know and all you've done to try and bring them down, that person can still CHOOSE to feel compassion for you, to forgive you, to not engage in your games. So in the end, what's the damn point?! You didn't get your way, made a complete and utter ASS out of YOURSELF in the process and it is YOU who ends up looking totally ridiculous. It's just not worth it. Which is where that beautiful, incredible and POWERFUL first recovery step comes in: I am powerless. C'mon, say it with me! "I. Am. POWERLESS." When you try to ignore or deny this very basic truth, your life will indeed become unmanageable. I don't care who you are! NO ONE is above this.

Control really is an illusion. It's not real. Not for me, not for you, not for anyone. Sam's quote above is the gospel truth: it is impossible to control other people, your circumstances, life in general. And the more you try to do this, the more you manipulate and manufacture and push, the worse it will get. The only thing we can hope to control is our individual self. Other people, circumstances and life in general can be dealt with by making wiser choices, but although that cuts WAY down on the drama, it doesn't eradicate it because hey, sh#% happens! When it does, we have a choice. Pain is inevitable, but misery? That's optional.

So since the majority of our mistakes and grief in life are caused by us trying to control anything and everything, it makes sense that the first thing we must do is deal with reality: that is, we are powerless over our addictions and our compulsive behaviors. It's simple logic. Our addictions are merely compulsive behaviors that have gotten out of control. And compulsive behaviors stem from compulsive thinking, or, thoughts out of control.

Ergo, "I am powerless." I cannot control others. But I CAN control myself, and who I am, and how I respond and how I LIVE. I CAN choose to be free! Take it from me, a recovering control freak. You do indeed give up your freedom trying to control everything to get what you want, only to find Coldplay in your head: "you get what you want but not what you need... could it be worse?" NO. That approach to life is no life at all. You spend all your time and energy and waste the best parts of yourself on things you can't manage, fix, influence, change or control. It hurts YOU more than anyone else, although it does take down others in the process. All you get in the end is a crazy mind, a shattered life and a mountain of regrets over things you can't take back!

So I'm going to take this opportunity to thank Jesus Christ for healing my mind, for getting me to recovery where I could see that I had a GOD problem that only HE could fix... for helping me get over myself and finding wisdom and people who love me and support me... Jesus didn't just change my life. He GAVE me one. I've made peace with my past; it's over, done, finito... One of those subconscious expectations was that once I got well and dealt with my past and made amends that I'd never have to deal with it again. Here recently, that hasn't been the case. I never thought I'd have every mistake I ever made thrown back in my face by someone I've never met. But you know what? It's ok. It really is. Because it's no matter what my past WAS, that is NOT who I AM today. I am a recovering infantile egomaniac. I'm not better or smarter or more special than anyone else. The only difference between myself and others is that I am aware of it and have done something about it. And that is a Jesus thing, you know? I tried to fix it on my own and I couldn't. That's what recovery is for, isn't it?

At the end of the day, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, playing the blame game... all that gains you nothing. NOTHING. It keeps you in chains and robs you of your freedom because you're letting others live rent-free in your heart and in your head. It robs you of emotions, energy and precious TIME, wasted on ultimately futile efforts to control that which cannot be controlled. And I ask you again: WHAT IS THE POINT?!

Today, I can say my life is really good! I like who I am. I fix what's wrong and celebrate what's right. I am FREE from all the crap I've been talking about in this blog. Some people are cool with it. Others hate me for it. Most don't care either way. But that's life, you know? I'm healthy, I love the Lord and He loves me, my kids are awesome and I'm truly blessed with amazing friendships, a great family and real love. So say what you want, believe what you want... like me, hate me, whatever floats your boat. But really, what more can one ask for? And how can anyone in their right mind attack someone for just wanting to stop being an idiot and turning her life around? I think we all know the answer to that.

Don't hate because your life isn't what you want it to be. Don't waste your time being angry about it and making it worse by making an ass of yourself. If you don't like your life, CHANGE IT. I did! I went to Jesus, completely surrendered myself, and He gave me a life I love. He took this infantile egomaniac and HEALED her, and made something special out of all the crap. If He can change me, He can change anyone.

He'll do it for you, too. I promise. Honestly, what have you got to lose?