Testimony begins with TEST!

I am totally posting today's devo from Joyce Meyer Ministries. Love me some Joyce! And everyone needs to be reminded from time to time that adversity reveals character as much as it forms character. As my incredible friend Brandie once told me when I was freaking out over something, "Jen, you are in RECOVERY. Of course you are being TESTED! How can you possibly learn to live in recovery unless you are tested?!?" Thank God for those friends that kind of just put it to you straight right when you need it, eh? :D

Enjoy today's post. I am posting this exactly as I found it, except for highlighting the parts that I think are most relevant. These can be found at http://joycemeyer.org/Articles/Devotional.aspx.
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Testimony Begins with "Test"
by Joyce Meyer - posted October 16, 2013

Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. —James 1:2

I'm sure you know people with amazing stories of the way God has worked in their lives. I always love to hear a great testimony, but I also know that behind every extraordinary account of someone's life lies some kind of challenge or difficulty. No one ever has a testimony without a test.

We must pass all kinds of tests as we go through our lives, and passing them is part of never giving up. It's vital for us to understand the important role that tests and trials play in our lives, because understanding them helps us endure them and actually be strengthened by them. Everything God permits us to go through will ultimately be good for us—no matter how much it hurts, how unfair it is, or how difficult it is.

When we encounter tests and trials, if we will embrace them and refuse to run from them, we will learn some lessons that will help us in the future and make us stronger.

One reason we must go through trials is to test our quality (1 Pet. 4:12). Often, we find ourselves wishing we had the faith of Sister so-and-so or Brother so-and-so. I can assure you, if they have a strong and vibrant faith, they did not develop it easily. Just as muscles are strengthened through exercise, firm faith comes from the furnace of affliction.

Sometimes people say to me, "Oh, I wish I had the kind of ministry you have, Joyce." Well, I did not get it by wishing. These people didn't see when I was feeling I couldn't hold on one more second, begging God to help me to not quit or give up. They don't know the tests and trials I've faced along the way.

No one who does anything worthwhile for God has traveled an easy road. Doing great things for God requires character, and character is developed by passing life's tests and staying faithful to Him through the trials.

Trust in Him: God has a unique plan for your life. Trust Him when you go through tests, knowing that they are strengthening and preparing you for the great things He has planned specifically for you.
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From the book Trusting God Day by Day by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2012 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

Freedom and Independence

There was a time when my entire worldview was rooted in what others thought or felt about me. When I looked in the mirror, I saw whatever others told me was there. Even if I disagreed, I owned their opinions as truth. This led to exhaustion and confusion, since I tried to please everyone and lost who I was in the process.

That approach to life made me a prisoner, and the codependence was so ingrained that I was incapable of making even the tiniest decisions on my own. It also rendered me mute, and the only way I could express anything was to explode in anger. That never turned out well. I didn't understand that by always seeing myself through others' eyes instead of through God's, I was giving away the power over my mind and my life to people who couldn't be trusted with it. My every thought, word or choice was merely a reaction to someone else's opinion, yet I was convinced I was nobody's puppet.  

As you can imagine, that led to heartache so deep that it was hard to breathe or think, and not just for me. My unwillingness to deal with reality cost those I love a great deal as well. And that just wasn't fair.

God wants us to have faith in Him and Him alone. He will and does provide all things, including a way out of a bad or dangerous situation. But we have to be willing to walk through that door when it opens. Faith, trust in the Lord and obedience are essential to freedom and independence. And Celebrate Recovery gave me the practical tools to walk that faith out and to practice trust in and obedience to God on a daily basis, and as a result, my whole life changed.

Today, my freedom and independence no longer depend on acts of defiance or confrontation. They depend solely on my own attitudes and feelings, which are continually submitted to and led by Christ. If I am always reacting, then I am never free.

This is why I am vehemently unwilling to go back to the way it was. I'm doggedly determined not to let anyone into my life who thrives on conflict and domination, and insists on being in control of everything and everyone. Because that personality ABSORBS people. They want access and control to every single corner and surface of your life. These people have a script, and your job is to read from it, word for word, with no inflection, no reaction, and definitely without question! Cracking the door even the tiniest bit for such an individual paves the way for that person to consume you, and once they get a foothold, they OWN you—and that makes you a hostage, not a friend. They say they want love and are all about loving you. What they really want is a slave who will be subject to their every whim, and what's more, they will believe wholeheartedly that you owe them that.

No one deserves to live like that. No one deserves to be treated that way. But living freely and independently are totally up to you. People like this are totally unable to TAKE your power. It can only be gained and used if you give it to them.

The only way to keep your freedom and independence, and to prevent someone like this from getting a stranglehold on your life, is to stick close to Jesus. You must be dedicated at every moment to reality at all costs. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your choices. Otherwise, you are a prime target for the kind of person who is too scared to be a real person on his or her own, and they will set it up so they can live vicariously through you.

I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned, the gifts I was given through such relationships, and the freedom and independence I now have that those relationships are over. Praise Jesus!

BRAVE: An Anthem

A few years ago, I posted a video of this dance, crafted by an incredible choreographer, Mia Michaels, that appeared on SYTYCD. This amazing, moving, jaw-dropping piece told the story of addiction. The song that Kayla and Kupono danced to was called "Gravity" by a singer/songwriter I was unfamiliar with until I saw that dance and heard that song. Her name is Sara Bareilles.

I shared the video on this blog because I was not long into Celebrate Recovery, and the entire experience--the song, the lyric, the dance, all of it--seemed to express how I felt in ways better than my words ever could about my journey in recovery and in growing ever closer to the Lord. It was one of those things where it was really a message straight from God, and I knew it. I have loved Sara Bareilles ever since. She's one of the best singer/songwriters, in my opinion, EVER.

There are just those times in life when a song is what gets you through, and anchors that time into your memory forever. When you hear it, it STOPS you in your tracks! It SPEAKS to you. It MOVES you. You MUST get that song and learn the lyric IMMEDIATELY, and you cannot do or say or think anything else until you do. Then you wear it OUT, playing it over and over and over and over again... And forevermore, when you hear that song, you will recall that time and that experience. As Trisha Yearwood sang, "The song remembers when."

Well, this week, the same thing happened with a song that was just released, and ironically enough, it's by Sara Bareilles. I was in Starbucks last week, and on the counter was her new CD. I made a note to come back and buy it (along with one of their salted caramel cake pops!). But I got busy and it slipped my mind. I didn't think about it again until my friend sent me this song yesterday. She posted it and made sure I'd see it. She had no idea who Sara Bareilles is, or that I love her and her music. She just heard the song and thought, Jen needs to hear this!

That was totally a God thing, because I DID need to hear it. Right then. As soon as I heard it, I had to literally pull the car over because I couldn't see through the tears! You know those moments when you KNOW God is speaking directly to you?!?!? I've been struggling terribly and painfully with something this year... A situation in which I was afraid for a long time to speak my mind or deal directly with what was in front of me, but this year God turned all of that around. I've had to keep my mouth shut, and my ears open, my heart connected and my spirit linked to Christ. It took a while, but finally everything came together and lined up and I knew exactly what God was saying to me. Jesus freed my mind from the maze it was in, freed my thoughts from gridlock--He set me FREE. AGAIN. I've felt in the last few weeks more freedom than I can even describe--and I didn't think that was possible! But it is! Truth is the most beautiful thing! Even when it's ugly.

It's been quite a journey. Incredibly painful. Mind-boggingly (is that a word?) real. But LIBERATING. As the truth always is. Now that I'm here in this place, I can't imagine how I stayed so long in that crazy spot. It's an exceptionally LONG story, and I'll probably blog about the things I've learned... But I'm not certain I'll ever be able to describe the highs and the lows of the roller coaster I have been on this year! And I wouldn't change a single thing.

So yesterday, when I heard this song... It floored me. Stopped me in my tracks. I knew from the first 2 lines in the song that this was a God thing! Another anthem for this time in my life... by one of my absolute favorite artists on the planet, delivered through my Pink Crayon, and given to me by God Himself. And just because God knows me well and how slow I can be to get a point, He drove the message home by putting Sara's new CD in front of me again at Starbucks this morning. LOL! Thank You, Lord, for the extra effort You put in for us slow ones!

I am posting the video to "Brave" and the lyric below it. (If you cannot view this video here, view it on YouTube. There's a short ad in the front, but keep watching!) If you aren't familiar with Sara Bareilles, GET familiar! You owe it to yourself! This video is the acoustic version that she did live, but you should definitely get her new album, The Blessed Unrest, like, now. And of course, don't you know "Brave" is the very first song on the album! Message from God: DELIVERED! The version on the album is the pop version and it is awesome! I like acoustic better, but any way you hear this song is very worth it.

Then read the lyric and figure out what areas in YOUR life and/or what people you need to get BRAVE with! For me, I'll forevermore remember this time in my life when I hear this song... And how so often, the times you are being the most brave is when you are the most scared. But there is no freedom that isn't precipitated by bravery in some form.

Be free! Be yourself. Always. And be BRAVE!

Love, JEN




Brave 
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes the shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there,
Everybody's been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won't do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be
anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Happy Mother's Day

"Isn't it funny how day to day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?"

The kids woke me up on Mother's Day yesterday with hugs and kisses and cards and I love you's. As I sat drinking my coffee at the dining room table, I was looking at my oldest son's last high school yearbook and reflecting on this past year, and on the big week coming up that was starting with lunch at my in-laws and Corbin's Baccalaureate service that afternoon. Paging through the yearbook, I was flooded with memories, and I felt so many things: happiness, pride, contentment, joy... but mostly, I was sad.

Even though I've been planning for this week for what seems like forever, suddenly it's happening really fast. Too fast. Corbin is in the Collierville High School Praise Band, and he sang beautifully during yesterday's service. So many people complimented me on my son... how incredible his voice is, how crazy handsome he is, what an awesome young man he has become, how he's such a joy to be around because he's comfortable in his own skin and so funny, how he will be sorely missed in the halls of Collierville high, how he's made such an impact on so many people because he's one of those kids that really and truly cares about other people. I got pats on the back for a job well done, but the real credit goes to Jesus.

Of course I am crazy proud of Corbin. But even though he's 18 and a full head taller than I am now, complete with a driver's license all his own, all I can see is his sweet little face on a big wheel! We sat on the couch last night looking through his prom photos, laughing because he's such a goofball. (The kid definitely isn't afraid to look like an idiot!) We also looked at old photos of he and Eli when they were little, laughing at all the memories of this funny thing or that hilarious moment. I had to fight tears off all day because neither of them are little anymore. Eli is headed to sixth grade, and Corbin is growing up and making plans for work and college, and it's all just too bittersweet for words.

That was only yesterday. Also coming up this week are CHS Senior Awards night (Corbin is getting an award but we don't know what it is yet), fifth grade "graduation" activities for Eli, CHS Graduation ceremonies for Corbin on Saturday afternoon, Project Graduation on Saturday night (a lock-in for seniors so they can spend one last night together), then Corbin takes off for Florida with one of his best friends and their family for ten days. That's a LOT of endings in one week! The end of my first born child being a kid. The end of me being mom to a kid in elementary school. One is a young man now, going off into the world to find his place in it. One is still a boy on the verge of adolescence, moving into middle school where he'll struggle with his identity and individuality.

The hardest part of any ending is starting again. So I guess the sadness is overwhelming because this time we are in right now is such a short season, and it's both an ending and a beginning... I came to the mommy party a little late, but I've loved every second of it. As ALL of my kiddos (stepkids included) told me yesterday the different ways I've loved them, helped them, made them feel special, my heart filled with a joy I never thought I'd experience.

Mother's Day is a special holiday to me because it's not really even ABOUT me. My name is on the card, but I'M the lucky one!

C.S. Lewis is the one who said, "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?" We move through life day by day, and things happen and we live... And changes happen that we don't always take notice of in the moment. The kids grow. We get older. Summers come, summers go. Back to school. Tests, homework, projects. Activities at church and with friends and family. Holidays. The new year. Spring break. More tests, homework, extracurricular activities. Last day of school. Another summer... Then we do it all again. The kids grow; they need new clothes, new shoes because they've outgrown everything it seems you just bought. We move through the cycles and then, while we were living this life where it all seemed the same, suddenly it's THE END and you look back on all of it, and somehow it's all different. YOU are different. That little boy has become a young man. When did it happen? How did it happen? Where was I when this kid grew like six whole inches?!?!? He wants the car keys and all you can think is: What happened to the big wheel?!? It's like we are aware, but we are not aware.

I think we have to try and be more conscious in our daily lives of the changes taking place around us and within us, and the motivations behind what we do or don't do. I think one of the biggest reasons I'm so sad (other than the obvious natural order of such things) is that because I did come to the mommy party so late, I cannot help but look back on the times I could have had with Corbin, the things I could have experienced with him, the things that I missed. For a whole host of ridiculous reasons. I was so closed off for so long, holding onto hurt and false ideas that kept me from opening my heart to my children the way they deserved. The way you MUST if you want to be a GOOD mom. If you don't open your heart and mind to Christ, then you cannot truly love anyone, even your children. And that is the one thing our kids need more desperately than they need anything else. Because how children view, relate to and experience God as adults is directly tied to what they grew up with under their parents. A kid's entire relationship to God is learned from his or her family. Fathers shape a child's view of God as THE Father, and his or her sense of security and response to authority comes directly from that.

But it is a mother who teaches a child of God's love. It is our responsibility, therefore, as mothers to have a heart open to God so our children will as well. If our hearts are open to Christ, then we feel loved, and that translates directly into how we love our kids. It's a tremendous responsibility and it's also a tremendous opportunity. I kinda blew it. I missed that opportunity for a long, long time. So I look back, and feel the regrets on what I did wrong with Corbin. But that also makes me incredibly grateful for the times I DID get to have with him, the experiences we DID share. Even if I did try to cram a lot of them into the last few years we've had together.

Eli and my stepkids are getting a totally different mom experience than Corbin did because they are younger and God changed my life while they were at an earlier age. They are getting to have a totally different mom than Corbin did--a BETTER mom. And the regrets over what I did wrong with Corbin, along with the gratitude over what I did right, make me stone cold resolved NOT to miss those times and experiences with my other children.

God has given me incredible gifts in my marriage to my husband. Rod himself is pretty dang awesome. But in addition to Eli, I also have four other kids that I get to share this life with, extra experiences and times I get to have with all of the other kids. Of course it won't make up for what I missed with Corbin. But it will make it more real and more special than it would have been, I think. Because I am more aware of where I went wrong and what I could have done differently or better. And also more aware of what I did RIGHT.

Corbin has every right to be angry and to resent the things I do now that I did not do with him. But he's not and he doesn't. I hugged my oldest son yesterday and cried a little bit as I told him how much I love him and, again, how sorry I am for the mistakes I've made.

Corbin responded to that by saying that while he appreciates that I'm sorry for all of my mistakes, he thinks I should give myself more credit. In fact, he told me that even when I was struggling to get my crap together, or even when I was "a little bit of a flake," he has always known how much I love him, that I would do anything in the world for him and that I am there for him, no matter what. He said that he has seen changes in me in the last few years that have made him extremely proud of me because he knows how hard it was for me to change. He also said that because I was open, real and transparent about all of it during the process, that I've helped him learn and grow in his own life as he's watched how I handle and deal and applied those lessons. He said that watching me learn to love God and to be loved by God has helped him to do the same. He told me that he loves me very much, that I'm awesome and the best mom in the world. And--as if I wasn't already boohooing enough by now--that it didn't matter that I was late to the mommy party because once I showed up, I more than made up for lost time. He said, and I quote, "So it's okay that you were 'late.' God had to do some stuff in your heart and in your life; He had to work on who you are. And the person you have become, Mom, was very much worth the wait."

Wow, right?!? :) Turns out my hubster thinks I'm a pretty great mom, too. That's what the phenomenal card he gave me said!

So, as I think about what Lewis said, and about all that's happened in the last few years, and about all that is happening this week and the rest of this month with the life transitions we are all going through, and about all that I've learned and am learning, and about how much I love my kids and my family, and about all that God has done and is still doing... Somehow, it's all different now. Very different. And it's GOOD.

As I said, Mother's Day is a cool holiday because it's not really about mothers, in one sense. To me, Mother's Day is about the people our kids become when we love them well. Because one of the biggest things I've learned about being a GOOD mom is that it's not about me. It's about THEM. It's about my kids; it's about getting over and past myself enough to put them first, and to do to the very best of my ability whatever it takes for them to be okay. It's about worshiping the Lord openly and honestly, and staying as close to Him as possible so I can be the best me that I can be. Because the best gift a mom can give her kids is to be the very best version of herself in Christ.

Once I stopped making everything about me, put Jesus first and got my priorities in order, let Him heal me and transform me, I got a new heart and a new mind and a new direction in life. Oddly enough, it's just not as hard to do that as I thought it would be. In fact, when you put Jesus first, everything else sort of falls in line behind that. When you do that, it's just not hard to love. Period.

And if you stay close to Jesus and keep on doing what is right, you get to hear things like, "I love you, Mom. You're the best. Thank you for everything you've done and still do for me. I wouldn't trade you for any other mother in the whole universe."

Even though your kids had to wait on you, you get to hear things like, "It's okay, Mom. Because the person you have become was worth the wait."

Thank You, Jesus! I love you, and I love my family. Thank You for transforming me into the kind of person that my husband, my kids and my family love and can be proud of. None of it would be possible without YOU!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband, also, and he praises her:
'Many women do noble things.
But you surpass them all.'"
Proverbs 31:28-29

The song remembers when...

Last weekend, my oldest son, Corbin, sang in his last high school talent show. He plays guitar and he sings—like an angel! He has the most beautiful voice. 

Corbin is singing with Marley Johnson, Abby McVay and Eric Albers. He's wearing white so it's hard to see him (middle) but you can still hear his beautiful voice! 



I sat there in the audience, in the same exact seat as I had every year in every talent show since the 8th grade, bursting with pride and love. Every year, I listened as he brought the house down with his talent and his passion for each of the songs he sings. It's clear to everyone, including me, that he's not only good at it, but he loves it. (Of course the girls love it, which is the part I hate, because in addition to singing and playing guitar, he's also tall and very handsome... I've had to show restraint as I pass girls who don't know I'm Corbin's mom talking about how "smokin' hot" he is... Lol!)

If you read these blogs you know the dramatic story of my Christian salvation, the ten years I spent afterward running from God in anger, blaming him for the mess that was my life and thinking that I'd been tricked and that He wasn't really there, and the even more dramatic unfolding of events that led to my re-dedication to Christ... I got pregnant with Corbin my senior year of college. I was 23, my life was in the worst shape it had ever been (at that point anyway, as it got way worse later), and I had a job waiting for me clear across the country right after college graduation, as far away from home as I could get without going overseas. I had an internship the beginning of my senior year, and so I was almost 5 months when I got home and found out I was pregnant. The day I was leaving for that internship, I was at the airport, fantastically miserable and struggling with getting on the plane or going home and just ending it all. I'd attempted suicide before, but I really meant it this time; I had even gotten a gun and some bullets to make sure it was final. I was scared and confused so I did something I hadn't done in ten years: I prayed. I didn't even know what I was doing; it was just this intense NEED to talk to the Lord. I said ok God, if You're there and You're listening, You know what's up, so I can go home right now and be done with this miserable existence by the end of the day or I can get on this plane and trust You and whatever plan it is that only You seem to get; what's it gonna be?! And He said, I've got you; I know you're scared but hold onto Me and let everything else go; stop whining, trust Me and get on the plane! So I did. And once on the plane, I said to God, I don't know what the future holds or what my life is supposed to be but I recognize that I'm screwing up badly, so I give whatever is left of it to You.

What I didn't know that day was that I was pregnant with Corbin. If I'd chosen death, I would have been responsible for two deaths, mine and my son's. But I got on that plane, oblivious that I was about to be a mom but determined to "give this God thing a real try." My senior year was SO hard. I was scared to death and was a tad bit in denial. But I made it through and had Corbin 3 days after his birth father married someone else and 6 weeks before I graduated college. And so the journey began...

Even after all of that, it was still another 14 years, AS A CHRISTIAN, before I surrendered completely my way for His way. As of this writing, that final surrender was exactly 4 years and 10 months ago—what I refer to as my "recovery birthday" and which brings me back to today and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling as I watched my son perform.  

Corbin brings the audience to its feet every time, a standing ovation for all 5 years he's been in the talent show. He used to have horrific stage fright, and his very first talent show in 8th grade was his way of trying to overcome it. And he did! He's performed by himself and with others, but each time his voice stands out to me. But this fifth time, at his last talent show, I'm moved in a different way and for reasons beyond it being his high school finale. I cry the whole time I'm recording it. And the whole time I'm listening to him sing, I'm also recalling, vividly, his entire life. I'm reflecting in the space of one song what a miracle he is! This is the first year he leaves the guitar playing to someone else, as he sings with 3 others, and the song they chose is so appropriate for me as the last one for his high school career. Because after this senior year, everything changes. He begins life as an adult, and I know I'll see him less than I do now and I miss him already. 

The song is "Home" by Phillip Phillips. Read the lyrics and after reading this story, you'll see why I think God put this song on Corbin's heart for the finale of his high school musical career. ; D

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble, it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble, it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

When Corbin first chose this song, I liked it but thought he could find a better one that better showcased his incredible talent. However, it wasn't until after he performed it and I listened to it on the way home—REALLY listened, hearing the lyrics instead of my stupid thoughts—that I realized that unbeknownst to Corbin, God had a message to both of us with this last performance. Phillip Phillips wrote a song 17 YEARS after the fact that described perfectly what I heard Christ saying to me during my pregnancy with Corbin; how the Lord calmed me during my panic attacks, kept me strong through one of the hardest years of my life and brought peace to me in my darkest nights, assuring me that He was there, that my unborn son and I were in His hands and that we were going to be okay as long as I held onto Him with everything I had. 

All of this was 17 years ago, but it all came flooding back to me in the space of one song... Isn't it ironic how one song with just the right lyrics works like a time machine, instantly transporting you back to times past and memories muffled by life and new experiences? That's why God made music so powerful and why it's sooooo important to be intentionally mindful of the music you listen to... It affects you, whether you know it or not. Music is a universal language that transcends time and space; the common denominator between all people throughout eternity. As Trisha Yearwood so eloquently wrote, "the song remembers when."

I have not yet shared this with my my son... Corbin has no idea yet of the message God has laid on my heart or how ironic it is when things come full circle... He has no idea how it feels for me, as his mother, to hear him sing... I am a writer with an excellent vocabulary, yet I'm unable to describe it exactly... When I hear his voice, it's almost like looking at a scarred canvas of a painting that was once beautiful and now it's marred with all the mistakes I've made over time... but I can feel God's brush of healing in every note, with every stroke, and there's both pain and joy as the song unfolds... and I just watch, transfixed, as he turns ashes into beauty with the most incredible soundtrack I've ever heard... like watching a really great story unfold, piece by piece, on a movie screen, where the best moments are set to awesome background music... and when it's all over, you are fundamentally changed, a different person from who you were when it began, and you can't WAIT to hear it again! In other words, when I hear Corbin sing, I can see and hear and smell and feel and taste Heaven itself. I open my eyes, and there's this breathtakingly beautiful picture in place where a grotesquely ugly one used to be, and the picture is restored to something more incredible than you could have ever imagined, making every crappy experience and every ounce of pain worth going through for the sake how I feel in that one moment... The song isn't one you would have chosen to hear, but when it's over you can't imagine what your life would have been like if you hadn't! 

That doesn't do the feeling justice, but it's the closest I can get. 

That song, and hearing my son sing it at that exact moment in time, was ordained by Christ. I thought I was merely going to see my son perform on stage at my alma mater one more time. But the Lord intended all along for it to be much more than that. Because I was reminded that God always keeps His promises. At a time when I wasn't very close to the Lord, and was trusting Him more out of desperation than anything else, He promised me that if I would hold onto Him, no matter what He'd lead me, be there for me and teach me how to be a mom. He promised that I could trust Him with my son, and that He'd make a home for us. And that's exactly what He did. I have more blessings than I can count or deserve. Corbin has grown into a fantastic human being. He loves Jesus and is the kind of kid any parent would be proud to have. God has kept every promise He ever made to me, and then some. 

As soon as I publish this blog, I'm going to write a thank you letter to Phillip Phillips and tell him what his song means to me and why. 

Then I'm going to go upstairs and tell my beautiful son how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I'm going to tell him how God literally saved my life by giving me a Savior and a child to live for and how his very existence is such a miracle, to me and to every life he touches. God has big, BIG plans for this kid!

C.S. Lewis said: "I pray because I can't help myself. The need for it flows out of me all the time. Prayer doesn't change Him, it changes me." How true this is. 

Later in Lewis' life, while his wife was dying of cancer, he was discussing her imminent death with her, but it hurt so much that he tried to avoid it. He said he couldn't bear the pain of losing her. But she loved him as much as he did her, so she insisted that he deal with it and talk to her about it. She said, "You cannot manage pain, and talking about it doesn't diminish happiness; it makes the happiness real. The pain then is part of the happiness now." I didn't know it during my pregnancy with Corbin; I could only feel the fear and the pain. But that's where faith comes in. Now I know, as I watched my son perform a beautiful song, that the pain I felt then is part of the happiness I feel now.

Wherever you are and whatever circumstances you are in, hold onto Christ and don't let go. You aren't alone. He will make a home for you.

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If you have a problem with the video on this page, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaIcpuAFOUY

Live in front of people.

I think Christians do a monumental disservice to themselves and to those around them when they hide. 

Some of you aren't quite sure what this means. The rest of you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

I believe Jesus was the most authentic person who ever lived. He's certainly the one true God, and the time He spent as humanity was done so well that to me, it leaves no room for doubt about what the standard is.

Although He felt every human emotion and thought every human thought, Jesus' execution in the game of life was perfect. I believe this is because Jesus was real. He did not pretend. He owned His emotions, confessed them and His thoughts to God, and acted accordingly. Everything He did was in love, in truth and by the Spirit.

We are never going to be perfect as human beings. We are never going to be anything we should or want to be outside of the Lord. It's just not possible. I think the rub is when we expect ourselves to be perfect or kill ourselves trying to attain that standard knowing in our deepest places that it's not possible. And that is where hope begins to die. 

Then, because we don't want to admit defeat or be judged, or have someone else tell us what to do... we hide. Our lives may be blowing up in our faces, the pieces falling apart all around us. Yet instead of just saying, "I'm DYING HERE!" we say instead, "Oh, I'm fine! Everything is great!" Maybe it feels safer in that moment. Or perhaps we just do not want to get into it... Whatever the reason, we hide. We go with "I am fine" even when those asking can clearly see that's not true, and even when we know they know... we hide. 

I believe this leads to us having expectations of others that are unfair, unrealistic, and--quite frankly--irresponsible. When you don't take onus in your own life, it only leads to an increased criticism of other people. Because when we can't (or won't) control what's going on in our own lives, we try to control others. 

How's that workin' for ya? 

I used to be SO GOOD at hiding. I made it an art form. I achieved the greatest success one can in this endeavor: I hid in plain sight. I stood in front of hundreds and thousands of people, proclaiming truth while living by a lie. I shouted from the rafters about how everyone should make Christ Lord of their lives when I kept lordship of my own. I gave all kinds of fantastic advice that I wasn't taking. 

It wasn't that I was lying; I wasn't. I told them the truth. And it wasn't that I didn't believe; I did. The problem was in the gap between what I knew to be true and my ability to live that out in the manner I felt I was "supposed to" as a "Christian." I was afraid of not being perfect, of falling short, of not measuring up to the expectations of others. Not because I didn't try, but because I didn't trust. The expectations and approval I should have been concerned with were the Lord's, and if I'd known Him then like I know Him now, I would have realized that there was no possible way for me to live truth outside of Him. I was so afraid of failure and inadequacy that I practically guaranteed both. I never intended to be a hypocrite. But that's what I was until I stopped hiding... from God and from myself.

Hiding is infinitely painful. In order to do it effectively I had to lie to myself, and over time I got so good at it that I could look into the mirror and see what I wanted to see. Ergo, it made it incredibly easy to show that facade to others. I didn't really have to try that hard. My pat answer for everything was, "I am fine." I could not take any kind of criticism. I could not be wrong. I was afraid all the time and hyper-suspicious of anyone who tried to show me friendship or true kindness. "I am fine" became my mantra just like Dori's was "just keep swimming."

Then Jesus brought me to Celebrate Recovery. Here I learned to tell myself the truth, but gently and in love. He made it safe for me to be honest, first with the Lord and then with others who were having the same issue. I'd spent so long wanting so desperately to be something I was terrified I couldn't ever be. That fear led to me pretending. I figured, fake it 'til ya make it, yeah? Except it didn't work. I turned into a shell of a person, talking out loud but living in secret. 

The Bible teaches us that we are only as sick as our secrets. If this is true (and it is) then no one ever gets anywhere by hiding. The freedom that Jesus Christ gives us is beyond measure. You don't have to pretend anymore to be someone you aren't because He makes you the person you are supposed to be. You don't have to do anything except trust and obey. In the end, dear friends, we do NOTHING. Christ does the work in you and through you... and you end up being more than you ever possibly imagined or wanted.

So if you want to stop hiding, and you want to stop pretending to be authentic and actually BE authentic, then I cannot stress this enough: Live in front of people. Live in front of people. 

This means trading in "I'm fine" for the truth. You don't have to explain every little detail to people. You just have to say, "God isn't finished with me yet." So you aren't fine... so what?! Do you think THEY are fine? So let them see! Let them see the good, the bad, the ugly, the weak, the strong, the conflicted, the terrible. This does not mean you live FOR others. It just means you live out loud. You will be judged, but you are being judged anyway. People will think things that aren't really true, but they think that anyway. Your honesty might make people mad, but that isn't on you, nor is it any of your business. Saying "I'm fine" when you aren't rarely fools people. It certainly doesn't fool God! He sees all your faults and issues anyway, and most of the time others do, too! So stop pretending. Stop hiding! 

Be who you are. All the time. In any given moment on any given day, be who you are. You don't have to be afraid of it. It will get messy, because life is just that way. It won't always be pretty. You won't always get it right, but you won't always get it wrong, either. Hypocrisy is not rooted in the gap between God's standard and how well we perform against that standard. Hypocrisy is rooted in denying that gap is there and trying to hide it from God and from others. Ergo, the antidote to hypocrisy is in admitting to that gap and trusting God to work it out as you obey. 

If you LIVE instead of hiding, it automatically and instantly doubles your chances for success in life and in all you undertake. Why? Because you are no longer invested in keeping up pretenses. If the truth is out, then the jig is up! Which means you don't have to be afraid, and hiding is no longer necessary. Your time and resources are freed up to pursue life, love and truth in reality, as they come, one day at a time. You get to the heart of it all much quicker if you aren't wasting time on things that aren't true and don't matter.

Here's the raw truth: The people around you will get WAY more out of watching you face, confront and work through a problem or conflict than if you pretend it isn't there. And so will you. They won't always like it, and they may give you a hard time about it. But they'll have to respect it. And in the end, you will respect yourself. There is no comparable measure for how incredible that feels, especially because it's not based on "they" but on "us" -- meaning, "me and God." And "they" can never take that away from you. 

No matter where you are, no matter what's going on, no matter how you feel or what is happening, good or bad... As best you can, try to stay in touch with where you are and who you are according to the LORD's leading and definition. If you go where HE says to go, then you will always be in the right place. If you obey Him and trust in who HE says you are, then you will always be the right person.

Ironically, all the things that are right and wonderful about you are not your gifts. Your greatest gifts, and mine, are the things that are wrong with you and, when those things are totally surrendered to the Lord, what He does with them for His own glory and to make us more like Him. The old adage is true: we learn more and grow more from our failures than our victories. In fact, one cannot truly be victorious unless one has first failed. And giving those failures to Christ changes the game! By all means, give God ALL of the glory when things are great and wonderful. But surrender the failures, too. When you give Christ all the things that do not work, do not fit in, do not blend, He will turn all of that into the very things that make you different and unique, that make you YOU. Only Christ can do this, and allowing Him to do so is your gift to Him and to the world around you.

THAT, my friends, is what it truly means to be a Christian! And what it means to be a balanced, well-rounded, ALIVE person… To live in front of people and allow them to see what only God can do with a life lived openly for and in Him.

One of the greatest things about life post-recovery that I get the most satisfaction out of is the continual opportunity for that emotional and cleansing exercise... Because I no longer pretend, I am no longer afraid. My life is lived as a string of moments, and sometimes those moments suck, quite frankly. But they are real, and every single one of them are learning experiences and building blocks that move me along in the right direction. Sometimes I enjoy the process, sometimes I don't. But I always consider that exercise to be a priceless investment in Christ, in life, in my family and in myself, one that produces true emotion, true thought, and a life that isn't perfect but is very much worth living. 

Jesus Has a Rocking Chair

(For Chandler Reid, 1988)

Jesus has a rocking chair
On which He sits with bended knee,

And all the children in Heaven

Come to sit in the lap of the King.

He plays with them, He sings to them,

He teaches them to pray.

They get personal attention from the Father

Each and every day…

Which they could have had from parents

Had they been given the chance to be born

But for the selfishness of a mother

Running from shame and scorn.

We kill our very own children

Who'd have called us "Mom" or "Dad."

Now they're with their eternal Father,

And of that we can be glad.

This child that I murdered,

This defenseless baby I mercilessly killed,

Now spends all her time with Jesus—  

Of Living Water, she gets her fill.

Do you know what He says to them?

Do you know what He tells them to do?

"My dear children, forgive them,

For they know not what they do…"

For to stand at the door

Of a clinic of death,

Denial must be in place;

Robbed of your God-given desire

To see your child's face…

"But I, Jesus, died for ALL sins;

No stone was left unturned.

My blood as Christ covers it all

With a love you cannot earn."

So the price is fully paid,

And because of His goodness and grace,

I look forward to holding my child in Heaven—  

To finally seeing her little face.

Yes, Jesus has a rocking chair.

And we can be sure, you see,

That all children go to Heaven

And sit atop His loving knee.

© 1995 Jenifer R. Barron

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"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." (Deuteronomy 30:19)