The kids woke me up on Mother's Day yesterday with hugs and kisses and cards and I love you's. As I sat drinking my coffee at the dining room table, I was looking at my oldest son's last high school yearbook and reflecting on this past year, and on the big week coming up that was starting with lunch at my in-laws and Corbin's Baccalaureate service that afternoon. Paging through the yearbook, I was flooded with memories, and I felt so many things: happiness, pride, contentment, joy... but mostly, I was sad.
Even though I've been planning for this week for what seems like forever, suddenly it's happening really fast. Too fast. Corbin is in the Collierville High School Praise Band, and he sang beautifully during yesterday's service. So many people complimented me on my son... how incredible his voice is, how crazy handsome he is, what an awesome young man he has become, how he's such a joy to be around because he's comfortable in his own skin and so funny, how he will be sorely missed in the halls of Collierville high, how he's made such an impact on so many people because he's one of those kids that really and truly cares about other people. I got pats on the back for a job well done, but the real credit goes to Jesus.
Of course I am crazy proud of Corbin. But even though he's 18 and a full head taller than I am now, complete with a driver's license all his own, all I can see is his sweet little face on a big wheel! We sat on the couch last night looking through his prom photos, laughing because he's such a goofball. (The kid definitely isn't afraid to look like an idiot!) We also looked at old photos of he and Eli when they were little, laughing at all the memories of this funny thing or that hilarious moment. I had to fight tears off all day because neither of them are little anymore. Eli is headed to sixth grade, and Corbin is growing up and making plans for work and college, and it's all just too bittersweet for words.
That was only yesterday. Also coming up this week are CHS Senior Awards night (Corbin is getting an award but we don't know what it is yet), fifth grade "graduation" activities for Eli, CHS Graduation ceremonies for Corbin on Saturday afternoon, Project Graduation on Saturday night (a lock-in for seniors so they can spend one last night together), then Corbin takes off for Florida with one of his best friends and their family for ten days. That's a LOT of endings in one week! The end of my first born child being a kid. The end of me being mom to a kid in elementary school. One is a young man now, going off into the world to find his place in it. One is still a boy on the verge of adolescence, moving into middle school where he'll struggle with his identity and individuality.
The hardest part of any ending is starting again. So I guess the sadness is overwhelming because this time we are in right now is such a short season, and it's both an ending and a beginning... I came to the mommy party a little late, but I've loved every second of it. As ALL of my kiddos (stepkids included) told me yesterday the different ways I've loved them, helped them, made them feel special, my heart filled with a joy I never thought I'd experience.
Mother's Day is a special holiday to me because it's not really even ABOUT me. My name is on the card, but I'M the lucky one!
C.S. Lewis is the one who said, "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?" We move through life day by day, and things happen and we live... And changes happen that we don't always take notice of in the moment. The kids grow. We get older. Summers come, summers go. Back to school. Tests, homework, projects. Activities at church and with friends and family. Holidays. The new year. Spring break. More tests, homework, extracurricular activities. Last day of school. Another summer... Then we do it all again. The kids grow; they need new clothes, new shoes because they've outgrown everything it seems you just bought. We move through the cycles and then, while we were living this life where it all seemed the same, suddenly it's THE END and you look back on all of it, and somehow it's all different. YOU are different. That little boy has become a young man. When did it happen? How did it happen? Where was I when this kid grew like six whole inches?!?!? He wants the car keys and all you can think is: What happened to the big wheel?!? It's like we are aware, but we are not aware.
I think we have to try and be more conscious in our daily lives of the changes taking place around us and within us, and the motivations behind what we do or don't do. I think one of the biggest reasons I'm so sad (other than the obvious natural order of such things) is that because I did come to the mommy party so late, I cannot help but look back on the times I could have had with Corbin, the things I could have experienced with him, the things that I missed. For a whole host of ridiculous reasons. I was so closed off for so long, holding onto hurt and false ideas that kept me from opening my heart to my children the way they deserved. The way you MUST if you want to be a GOOD mom. If you don't open your heart and mind to Christ, then you cannot truly love anyone, even your children. And that is the one thing our kids need more desperately than they need anything else. Because how children view, relate to and experience God as adults is directly tied to what they grew up with under their parents. A kid's entire relationship to God is learned from his or her family. Fathers shape a child's view of God as THE Father, and his or her sense of security and response to authority comes directly from that.
But it is a mother who teaches a child of God's love. It is our responsibility, therefore, as mothers to have a heart open to God so our children will as well. If our hearts are open to Christ, then we feel loved, and that translates directly into how we love our kids. It's a tremendous responsibility and it's also a tremendous opportunity. I kinda blew it. I missed that opportunity for a long, long time. So I look back, and feel the regrets on what I did wrong with Corbin. But that also makes me incredibly grateful for the times I DID get to have with him, the experiences we DID share. Even if I did try to cram a lot of them into the last few years we've had together.
Eli and my stepkids are getting a totally different mom experience than Corbin did because they are younger and God changed my life while they were at an earlier age. They are getting to have a totally different mom than Corbin did--a BETTER mom. And the regrets over what I did wrong with Corbin, along with the gratitude over what I did right, make me stone cold resolved NOT to miss those times and experiences with my other children.
God has given me incredible gifts in my marriage to my husband. Rod himself is pretty dang awesome. But in addition to Eli, I also have four other kids that I get to share this life with, extra experiences and times I get to have with all of the other kids. Of course it won't make up for what I missed with Corbin. But it will make it more real and more special than it would have been, I think. Because I am more aware of where I went wrong and what I could have done differently or better. And also more aware of what I did RIGHT.
Corbin has every right to be angry and to resent the things I do now that I did not do with him. But he's not and he doesn't. I hugged my oldest son yesterday and cried a little bit as I told him how much I love him and, again, how sorry I am for the mistakes I've made.
Corbin responded to that by saying that while he appreciates that I'm sorry for all of my mistakes, he thinks I should give myself more credit. In fact, he told me that even when I was struggling to get my crap together, or even when I was "a little bit of a flake," he has always known how much I love him, that I would do anything in the world for him and that I am there for him, no matter what. He said that he has seen changes in me in the last few years that have made him extremely proud of me because he knows how hard it was for me to change. He also said that because I was open, real and transparent about all of it during the process, that I've helped him learn and grow in his own life as he's watched how I handle and deal and applied those lessons. He said that watching me learn to love God and to be loved by God has helped him to do the same. He told me that he loves me very much, that I'm awesome and the best mom in the world. And--as if I wasn't already boohooing enough by now--that it didn't matter that I was late to the mommy party because once I showed up, I more than made up for lost time. He said, and I quote, "So it's okay that you were 'late.' God had to do some stuff in your heart and in your life; He had to work on who you are. And the person you have become, Mom, was very much worth the wait."
Wow, right?!? :) Turns out my hubster thinks I'm a pretty great mom, too. That's what the phenomenal card he gave me said!
So, as I think about what Lewis said, and about all that's happened in the last few years, and about all that is happening this week and the rest of this month with the life transitions we are all going through, and about all that I've learned and am learning, and about how much I love my kids and my family, and about all that God has done and is still doing... Somehow, it's all different now. Very different. And it's GOOD.
As I said, Mother's Day is a cool holiday because it's not really about mothers, in one sense. To me, Mother's Day is about the people our kids become when we love them well. Because one of the biggest things I've learned about being a GOOD mom is that it's not about me. It's about THEM. It's about my kids; it's about getting over and past myself enough to put them first, and to do to the very best of my ability whatever it takes for them to be okay. It's about worshiping the Lord openly and honestly, and staying as close to Him as possible so I can be the best me that I can be. Because the best gift a mom can give her kids is to be the very best version of herself in Christ.
Once I stopped making everything about me, put Jesus first and got my priorities in order, let Him heal me and transform me, I got a new heart and a new mind and a new direction in life. Oddly enough, it's just not as hard to do that as I thought it would be. In fact, when you put Jesus first, everything else sort of falls in line behind that. When you do that, it's just not hard to love. Period.
And if you stay close to Jesus and keep on doing what is right, you get to hear things like, "I love you, Mom. You're the best. Thank you for everything you've done and still do for me. I wouldn't trade you for any other mother in the whole universe."
Even though your kids had to wait on you, you get to hear things like, "It's okay, Mom. Because the person you have become was worth the wait."
Thank You, Jesus! I love you, and I love my family. Thank You for transforming me into the kind of person that my husband, my kids and my family love and can be proud of. None of it would be possible without YOU!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband, also, and he praises her:
'Many women do noble things.
But you surpass them all.'"
Proverbs 31:28-29
