The song remembers when...

Last weekend, my oldest son, Corbin, sang in his last high school talent show. He plays guitar and he sings—like an angel! He has the most beautiful voice. 

Corbin is singing with Marley Johnson, Abby McVay and Eric Albers. He's wearing white so it's hard to see him (middle) but you can still hear his beautiful voice! 



I sat there in the audience, in the same exact seat as I had every year in every talent show since the 8th grade, bursting with pride and love. Every year, I listened as he brought the house down with his talent and his passion for each of the songs he sings. It's clear to everyone, including me, that he's not only good at it, but he loves it. (Of course the girls love it, which is the part I hate, because in addition to singing and playing guitar, he's also tall and very handsome... I've had to show restraint as I pass girls who don't know I'm Corbin's mom talking about how "smokin' hot" he is... Lol!)

If you read these blogs you know the dramatic story of my Christian salvation, the ten years I spent afterward running from God in anger, blaming him for the mess that was my life and thinking that I'd been tricked and that He wasn't really there, and the even more dramatic unfolding of events that led to my re-dedication to Christ... I got pregnant with Corbin my senior year of college. I was 23, my life was in the worst shape it had ever been (at that point anyway, as it got way worse later), and I had a job waiting for me clear across the country right after college graduation, as far away from home as I could get without going overseas. I had an internship the beginning of my senior year, and so I was almost 5 months when I got home and found out I was pregnant. The day I was leaving for that internship, I was at the airport, fantastically miserable and struggling with getting on the plane or going home and just ending it all. I'd attempted suicide before, but I really meant it this time; I had even gotten a gun and some bullets to make sure it was final. I was scared and confused so I did something I hadn't done in ten years: I prayed. I didn't even know what I was doing; it was just this intense NEED to talk to the Lord. I said ok God, if You're there and You're listening, You know what's up, so I can go home right now and be done with this miserable existence by the end of the day or I can get on this plane and trust You and whatever plan it is that only You seem to get; what's it gonna be?! And He said, I've got you; I know you're scared but hold onto Me and let everything else go; stop whining, trust Me and get on the plane! So I did. And once on the plane, I said to God, I don't know what the future holds or what my life is supposed to be but I recognize that I'm screwing up badly, so I give whatever is left of it to You.

What I didn't know that day was that I was pregnant with Corbin. If I'd chosen death, I would have been responsible for two deaths, mine and my son's. But I got on that plane, oblivious that I was about to be a mom but determined to "give this God thing a real try." My senior year was SO hard. I was scared to death and was a tad bit in denial. But I made it through and had Corbin 3 days after his birth father married someone else and 6 weeks before I graduated college. And so the journey began...

Even after all of that, it was still another 14 years, AS A CHRISTIAN, before I surrendered completely my way for His way. As of this writing, that final surrender was exactly 4 years and 10 months ago—what I refer to as my "recovery birthday" and which brings me back to today and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling as I watched my son perform.  

Corbin brings the audience to its feet every time, a standing ovation for all 5 years he's been in the talent show. He used to have horrific stage fright, and his very first talent show in 8th grade was his way of trying to overcome it. And he did! He's performed by himself and with others, but each time his voice stands out to me. But this fifth time, at his last talent show, I'm moved in a different way and for reasons beyond it being his high school finale. I cry the whole time I'm recording it. And the whole time I'm listening to him sing, I'm also recalling, vividly, his entire life. I'm reflecting in the space of one song what a miracle he is! This is the first year he leaves the guitar playing to someone else, as he sings with 3 others, and the song they chose is so appropriate for me as the last one for his high school career. Because after this senior year, everything changes. He begins life as an adult, and I know I'll see him less than I do now and I miss him already. 

The song is "Home" by Phillip Phillips. Read the lyrics and after reading this story, you'll see why I think God put this song on Corbin's heart for the finale of his high school musical career. ; D

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble, it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble, it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

When Corbin first chose this song, I liked it but thought he could find a better one that better showcased his incredible talent. However, it wasn't until after he performed it and I listened to it on the way home—REALLY listened, hearing the lyrics instead of my stupid thoughts—that I realized that unbeknownst to Corbin, God had a message to both of us with this last performance. Phillip Phillips wrote a song 17 YEARS after the fact that described perfectly what I heard Christ saying to me during my pregnancy with Corbin; how the Lord calmed me during my panic attacks, kept me strong through one of the hardest years of my life and brought peace to me in my darkest nights, assuring me that He was there, that my unborn son and I were in His hands and that we were going to be okay as long as I held onto Him with everything I had. 

All of this was 17 years ago, but it all came flooding back to me in the space of one song... Isn't it ironic how one song with just the right lyrics works like a time machine, instantly transporting you back to times past and memories muffled by life and new experiences? That's why God made music so powerful and why it's sooooo important to be intentionally mindful of the music you listen to... It affects you, whether you know it or not. Music is a universal language that transcends time and space; the common denominator between all people throughout eternity. As Trisha Yearwood so eloquently wrote, "the song remembers when."

I have not yet shared this with my my son... Corbin has no idea yet of the message God has laid on my heart or how ironic it is when things come full circle... He has no idea how it feels for me, as his mother, to hear him sing... I am a writer with an excellent vocabulary, yet I'm unable to describe it exactly... When I hear his voice, it's almost like looking at a scarred canvas of a painting that was once beautiful and now it's marred with all the mistakes I've made over time... but I can feel God's brush of healing in every note, with every stroke, and there's both pain and joy as the song unfolds... and I just watch, transfixed, as he turns ashes into beauty with the most incredible soundtrack I've ever heard... like watching a really great story unfold, piece by piece, on a movie screen, where the best moments are set to awesome background music... and when it's all over, you are fundamentally changed, a different person from who you were when it began, and you can't WAIT to hear it again! In other words, when I hear Corbin sing, I can see and hear and smell and feel and taste Heaven itself. I open my eyes, and there's this breathtakingly beautiful picture in place where a grotesquely ugly one used to be, and the picture is restored to something more incredible than you could have ever imagined, making every crappy experience and every ounce of pain worth going through for the sake how I feel in that one moment... The song isn't one you would have chosen to hear, but when it's over you can't imagine what your life would have been like if you hadn't! 

That doesn't do the feeling justice, but it's the closest I can get. 

That song, and hearing my son sing it at that exact moment in time, was ordained by Christ. I thought I was merely going to see my son perform on stage at my alma mater one more time. But the Lord intended all along for it to be much more than that. Because I was reminded that God always keeps His promises. At a time when I wasn't very close to the Lord, and was trusting Him more out of desperation than anything else, He promised me that if I would hold onto Him, no matter what He'd lead me, be there for me and teach me how to be a mom. He promised that I could trust Him with my son, and that He'd make a home for us. And that's exactly what He did. I have more blessings than I can count or deserve. Corbin has grown into a fantastic human being. He loves Jesus and is the kind of kid any parent would be proud to have. God has kept every promise He ever made to me, and then some. 

As soon as I publish this blog, I'm going to write a thank you letter to Phillip Phillips and tell him what his song means to me and why. 

Then I'm going to go upstairs and tell my beautiful son how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I'm going to tell him how God literally saved my life by giving me a Savior and a child to live for and how his very existence is such a miracle, to me and to every life he touches. God has big, BIG plans for this kid!

C.S. Lewis said: "I pray because I can't help myself. The need for it flows out of me all the time. Prayer doesn't change Him, it changes me." How true this is. 

Later in Lewis' life, while his wife was dying of cancer, he was discussing her imminent death with her, but it hurt so much that he tried to avoid it. He said he couldn't bear the pain of losing her. But she loved him as much as he did her, so she insisted that he deal with it and talk to her about it. She said, "You cannot manage pain, and talking about it doesn't diminish happiness; it makes the happiness real. The pain then is part of the happiness now." I didn't know it during my pregnancy with Corbin; I could only feel the fear and the pain. But that's where faith comes in. Now I know, as I watched my son perform a beautiful song, that the pain I felt then is part of the happiness I feel now.

Wherever you are and whatever circumstances you are in, hold onto Christ and don't let go. You aren't alone. He will make a home for you.

+++++++++++

If you have a problem with the video on this page, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaIcpuAFOUY