Caring, hoping, wanting--these are risky. But as we recover from the effects of our addictions and destructive habits, we may find that the risks are worth taking. In time, it may not be enough to simply avoid disappointment; we want more; we want rich, full, exciting lives with joy as well as sorrow. Just finding the willingness to believe that joy can exist in our lives today can be very challenging, but until we make room in our hearts for good times, we may not recognize them when they arrive.
Nobody is happy all the time. But all of us are capable of feeling good. We deserve to allow ourselves to experience every bit of joy life has to offer.
Reminder: I will not let fear of disappointment prevent me from enjoying this day. I have a great capacity for happiness.
"I want to grow in my willingness to make room in my life for good times, having faith in their arrival and patience in my anticipation." (Living with Sobriety)
I don't know how it is in your space, dear reader. But in mine, it seems as if the whole world is suddenly "on the rag" and everyone is twice as cranky as normal.
Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's school letting out and the immediate increase of activity (6 events in 2 days is too much!). Maybe it's the annual lull between seasons, those couple of weeks where the new growth of spring has taken firm root and summer is slowly waking up. Whatever it is, it sure has everyone on edge. I am no exception.
Personally, the weather has a big impact on me. Gray, dreary, overcast days like today affect my mood as much as those first few days of sunshine after a long winter. Days like today seem to just sap the joy right out of me. I'm particularly more resentful of it now than I used to be, considering joy is a newfound concept to me, a possession I never thought I'd have and am adamantly reluctant to let go of now that I have it.
At the church I used to attend, I once sat through a Sunday school class where one of the second pastors gave a talk on joy. Everyone else in the class was really into it, but I was pretty confused; irate, even. It must've been all over my face, too, because he came up to me afterward and said, "You were uncharacteristically quiet!" (Surprise, surprise, I talked a lot in class. No news flash, right?) "What did I say that didn't make sense to you?" I told him I couldn't really express it yet and that I would think about it and email it to him. And I did.
The next Sunday, he came up to me, laughing, and said, "I must say that in all my years of pastoring and all the questions and issues I've had people bring to me, the subject line of your email to me on last week's lesson was the most unusual and astonishing phrasing I've ever heard." I said, "What do you mean?" He replied, "The subject line was 'The problem with joy.' And it stumped me, quite frankly, and I've been praying all week about how to respond because I have never heard joy described as a problem before."
Leave it to me to come up with something new, eh? But for me, that is exactly what joy was: a problem. A big, fat, ugly, unsolvable problem. More than that, joy was a torturous thing since everyone else seemed to have it but ME. Happy I get. But joy? That's fairytale stuff. And the more I kept hearing sermons, lessons, songs, blah blah blah about this joy that I couldn't have, the angrier I got. It was unfair!
Thank you, merciful Heaven, that I was wrong.
The first snag in any pursuit of joy is EXPECTATIONS. Boy do we set ourselves up to fail every time with expectations. It is SO HARD not to have them, yet SO EASY to create them with words, ideas, actions... You must let go of those, and you must take care to never set them up for someone else. Unfortunately, I can't really tell you how to do that. (Sorry!)
The only antidote to expectations is Truth. Jesus' Truth. Not my truth, your truth, her truth, their truth, your great-great-grandpappy twice removed on your mama's side's truth... HIS TRUTH. Amazing how many expectations blow up in the light of real truth.
Going through recovery as a pursuit of God Himself rather than a way to stop the pain is the quickest way to strip life and all that goes with it down to its bare essences. Trying to know and understand yourself better is a total trap and a colossal waste of time. Why? Because even you don't know you like God does, and pursuing yourself cuts Him out and leaves you lacking in knowledge. However, you kill two birds with one stone when you go after Christ like you do every other thing that was ever important to you. Why? Because getting to REALLY KNOW Christ is the same thing as getting to know yourself, your REAL self. Not the you that you have made up in your head or the one that puts on a show for everyone. I mean the core, essential, true YOU. And ONLY God knows THAT you because that is your Spirit, which God made and ONLY God understands because Spirit is infinite and we are finite. We couldn't go that deep without Him if we tried... and we DO try! And fail every time, over and over again.
It's frigging exhausting. I'm tired just THINKING about it.
There's a commercial on TV right now about how technology is moving so fast that no matter what you buy, as soon as your purchase is complete there's a brand new deal out on the market. The last scene in the ad is this dude having a giant TV delivered to his house while looking at a truck across the street advertising an even better TV than the one the guys are trying to bring in his front door. Meanwhile, a little girl in the yard is running in circles chanting in a sing-song voice, "You bought the wrong TV, silly head!"
Decades of my life were spent just like that man, putting all my time, effort, money and energy toward things that were rendered obsolete as soon as I'd achieved them, if I ever did. Only to suffer crippling disappointment, loss and pain when I realized I had gotten it wrong. Again. Then I was like the little girl, chasing myself round and round in circles like a dog chasing his tail, saying to myself, you messed up again, silly head! And all the while, God was sitting there, patiently waiting for me to run out of steam. But did I grow and learn from the error of my ways? NO. Would I admit I was wrong and that maybe just perhaps I ought to come at it differently? NO. I just kept right on going, shunning the Lord the whole time yet telling myself that this is what He wanted for me.
Ergo, I arrived at this "problem" with joy. Joy was all fine and great but I didn't get it, couldn't understand it, and apparently wasn't meant to actually have it. And I was hacked off! Being trapped in that cycle for years on end wore me down to the point where I no longer had the ability to believe in goodness, hope or joy for myself. I believed deep down that I was unworthy of having and/or incapable of holding onto good things, so I just resigned myself to crap and stopped trying for anything different.
Until Jesus. Until He led me to recovery. Now I have more joy and good things than I ever imagined possible. Everything is different.
So when I read today's recovery thingy I shared at the start of this blog, I just cried and cried and had to share it with you. I wish I could remember that Sunday school teacher's name or where he is now. Because I would love to email him again! The subject line would read: The solution to joy. (Bet he'd get a real kick out of that! LOL I have my moments...
And what is the solution to joy, you ask? Jesus. Joy is only a problem to those who are only concerned with themselves and don't truly know Jesus. There is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is a focused pursuit of oneself, yielding only a feeling that comes and goes, dependent on circumstances and other people. Trying to hold onto happiness is like trying to grasp the wind. JOY, on the other hand, is an innate solidarity resulting from a focused pursuit of the Lord DESPITE oneself. Joy is a state of mind that transcends feelings or circumstances. It's not an event or a destination. It's more of a direction--an intentional choice to stay on a path where your interaction with the world is defined by a mindset rooted in truth and in seeing yourself, your circumstances and the world around you through HIS eyes--the only way any of us can really see anything clearly.
I don't know if this is making any sense to you, dear reader. I hope I'm explaining this correctly. I don't fully understand it all myself. But what I DO know for certain is that joy is no longer a problem for me. I'm not saying I'm so recovered that my joy isn't threatened at times, or that I don't have to fight harder to keep it on days like today.
What I am saying is that my joy can never truly be taken away or stolen from me. I can give it away when I allow people or situations to take over and allow them to hold more power over me than they deserve. That's when I get lost. Yet it's still mine and I can take it right back with a simple choice to get up and get back on the path I was on.
The more I do that, the more joy I seem to have. Every time I forgive instead of holding a grudge, every time I obey instead of rebel, every time I stop and think before I speak instead of going off, every time I am willing to consider that I might be wrong instead of stubbornly holding onto my viewpoint, every time I say I'm sorry instead of picking a fight, every time I let go instead of holding on, every time I speak or act from love instead of anger, bitterness or resentment, every time I go to God with something instead of trying to figure it out myself, every time I apply a lesson I've learned in the past to a present situation and do something differently than I would have before, every time I work to resolve a conflict instead of hiding from it, every time I stand up for myself and keep my boundaries instead of placating for the sake of a false peace... I could go on and on but the POINT is that every time I think, speak or act according to Christ, then my joy increases. So does my love, my patience, all of it. And the CRAZIEST part about it all is that the times my joy increases is almost always IN SPITE of my circumstances or feelings. Not every time. But most of the time. How in the world is that even possible?! People think I am a Grade-A nutcase when I say things like this but it's TRUE! They can think I'm crazy all they want. I'm no longer afraid of looking like an idiot or making a mistake or being joyful in times when it seems impossible. Shoot. That's when it is the most fun!!!
In closing, I will say that I find it ironic and immensely amusing that I spent most of my life chasing happiness, pursuing what I thought it was with a vengeance, while not really believing I'd ever have it. I'd put all I had into it every time, which became less and less after every failure. Yet the moment I stopped those pursuits and started chasing God instead, BOOM there it was. Yes, it took time to work certain things out. My point is that not only does "happiness" not look like I thought it would should I ever get it, I had stopped caring about it altogether. JOY became my focus--which I define as having peace and being right with Christ at all times to the best of my ability. In addition, I have MORE than enough room in my life now for good things. And that didn't happen until I let go of all the bad stuff. AND my definition of "good things" and "peace" had been so completely transformed by the Lord that when my old ideas of happiness were presented to me on a silver platter, I was more than merely uninterested. I was totally indifferent, unaffected.
Just when I had stopped believing in happiness, I got something even better.
Isn't that AWESOME?!?!?!? If you don't think that is beyond magical, my dear reader friend, then you need to STOP, DROP & PRAY. RIGHT NOW! Then, RUN, not walk, to the nearest Celebrate Recovery program that you can find. Posthaste and forthwith. Do not stop or be delayed for any reason!
"I have said these things to you so that I may have joy in you and so that your joy may be complete." (John 15:11)
