Monday, September 20, 2010
Authenticity
"Now you followed my teaching, conduct, purpose, faith, patience, love, perseverance, persecutions and sufferings, such as happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium and at Lystra; what persecutions I endured, and out of them all the Lord rescued me! Indeed, all who desire to live Godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted. But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them." (2 Timothy 3:10-14)
Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Sanity, then, can be described as "wholeness of mind; making decisions based on truth."
I may not be all I am supposed to be yet. But I have come so, SO far from who I was. "Progress, not perfection" has saved me time and time again. Because I live my life now as an ongoing process to dedication to reality at all costs, so even when I mess up, I can still choose to stop, get back onto the path and keep going. This is an incredibly precious gift to me, and a concept I wish I had grasped and lived the first 14 years of being a Christian.
It doesn't matter what is said about me or to me. It only matters what God says about me and to me, and that my responses at every turn are to HIM and to HIS TRUTH, not some random person's evil twists on the truth. This is what matters. There is no sense in putting any stock in what's said or done by evil men and women, impostors who care more about looking wrong or feeling wrong than they do of the fact that they ARE wrong.
I know exactly what I have "learned and become convinced of," and I know exactly from "whom I have learned" these things. So I choose today, and every day, to go on the truth that I know: Jesus loves me. He has changed me. I am new. And that is an authentic life, and a permanent one.
Period.
Thank you so much, Lord, for the sanity and peace of mind I have in you. Thank you SO MUCH from saving me from myself, from looking at things in my own twisted, finite, erroneous way. I am so grateful that Your Truth is absolute. As Churchill said, "Truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it. But there it is."
Amen.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Transformation
It's important, I think, to have a daily time with Jesus. Or as near to that as you can get. Otherwise, it's easy to start owning all the things people throw at you as truth. In order to stay the course, to keep seeing things correctly and in truth when others are trying to turn it all around, you MUST have a solid foundation to rest on.
In Romans 12, Paul says: "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."
One of my best friends has been telling me for the last ten years to "change how you think." Used to drive me completely batty. It was her go-to for every problem: "Tell yourself the truth. Change how you think." Over and over and over and over until I wanted to shoot myself in the face with a bazooka! But she was right. Our success or failure in this life comes down to exactly that: how we think.
It's an awesome and wondrous thing to have God transform you. Amazing! Once you get to the other side, that is. But the process itself of having your mind renewed is NOT an easy one. It's invasive. It's painful. There's no anesthetic. There's no place to hide. In order for God to renew your mind, absolute honesty is required. He's God, so there's no lies, no deception, no manipulation... You don't get to pick and choose the pieces of the truth that make you comfy or fit your own views. It's all or nothing. And it's scary as all get out! Especially if you've been doing it YOUR way for oh, say, 30+ years.
But let me also say this: it is worth every single second, every single tear, every single fear or hurt or resentment or whatever you have to face down in order to go through this process. Because once you do, once God truly renews your heart, your mind, your spirit... Man, there's no high this side of Heaven that even comes close!
For me, I didn't even realize I was undergoing the process while it was happening. I was just going along, working my recovery program. I was praying, doing the workbooks, following the steps. I was going to work every day. Being a mom. Etc. Then one day I was confronted with someone from my past, someone I'd had an issue with. I didn't hide or make excuses... I just talked to them, made my apologies. And we started talking... After about a while, this person says to me, "Wow. I never thought this conversation would go this way. You really are different."
Could have blown me over with a feather. I was like, really? This person, with tears streaming down, said, simply, "Yes." And we cried together. This person forgave me and said, "Obviously you can't take back what happened. But I've given you ample opportunity to do what you would have done before. You haven't. In fact, it's just the opposite. Keep on doing what you are doing. It's going to make a huge difference in a lot of people's lives." That person and I ended up becoming really close friends, and it's a friendship I treasure.
Of course, it doesn't always go that way. I mean sometimes, things just can't be fixed. But this person told me that it didn't matter what I've done so much as what I do. "Jen you could be like soooo many people and hide your pain, hide your mistakes. It's great what God has done for you. But anyone can talk about good things God does. I LIKE that you are open and honest about it all, that you say, hey I screwed up royally, and this was my mindset, and here's how God changed it, and by the way, He can do it for you, too--your openness about not being perfect just makes it better." I hadn't thought of it like that before. Yet I think this person was right.
I have made a LOT of bad decisions that resulted in pain for a lot of people. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, but hey, doesn't it go that way for many of us? Have you ever been in a situation where your intentions and the end result were two very different things? It kinda sucks! Especially when you are looking someone you have hurt in the face, and watching them cry because of what YOU have done, and "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it in that moment, ya know? Right then, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what you intended. It only matters what you DID.
There was a woman, a friend, that I hurt with one of my bonehead decisions. She's really the person who kickstarted the whole recovery journey for me. She was quite the class act. Instead of railing at me like she had every right to do, she showed me grace. She was merciful to me, even in the midst of the pain I had caused her. I mean, I hurt her, you know? Yet SHE reached out to ME, because a) that's just who she is, and b) she genuinely cared about me, knew that there was more to me than the sum total of my mistakes, and wanted me to get help. Talk about humbling.
She looked me in the eye and instead of calling me names, she told me flat out, "This is not who God intended you to be, Jenifer. You are smarter, better, than the person you have become. You need to get help, and you need to do it now. You need to stop running and start facing who you are. Let God fix you, heal you. THEN you can help people again. I know you can do it, Jen. You've been trying to do it, but you can't help others when you won't help yourself." Then she told me not to let her pain be for nothing. She said, "Make all this count for something! Don't let me down." I looked her right back in the eye and promised her, "I won't."
And I haven't. I took her words to heart. And I started the very next day trying to "do something different." We aren't actively friends today. But I will be forever grateful to her for setting me straight! I don't know many people--well, almost no one, frankly--who can show grace and mercy when they are hurting. A mutual friend had been keeping her abreast of how I was doing. And the last time I saw her, we hugged, we cried, and she told me she was very glad that I took her advice and that I was getting better. I will never ever forget what she did for me.
I say all this because I tried, for years and years, to fix it myself. I'd do ok, then screw up, then self-destruct out of guilt and pride... then I'd swear I was gonna get it right "this time" and I'd do better, and the whole sick cycle would begin all over again. On and on, until I was bone-weary from the cumulative consequences of a lifetime's worth of bad decisions.
They say in recovery, "If you could fix it yourself, if you could do this on your own, you wouldn't need recovery." How true. NO ONE, and I don't give a sick rat's butt WHO you are, or how strong you are, can do it alone. And even then, you can be strong enough, perhaps, to clean up your act. But NO ONE, and again I DO mean no one, can TRULY heal or get well without Christ. Period. End of story. Because ALL addiction is sin, and ALL sin, whether addictive or not, is a spiritual problem. Only Jesus can heal the spirit.
How does He do this? By transforming your mind, which affects your thinking, your feelings and your behavior. It ALL starts with how you think.
Let me say very clearly: recovery is NOT for cowards! The process is hard. It's painful. It's terrifying at times. But if you truly want to get well, you will be desperate to do whatever it takes. That is where I was... where we ALL must be in order for true change to occur. We must be at rock bottom, with no excuses left, at the end of ourselves, ready and willing to surrender every single stinking dirty rotten atom of it all to Jesus no matter how scared we are. The pain must outweigh the fear. When it does, when you are totally sick of yourself and ready to surrender, then God can do something with you. Then He will begin to transform you.
As I said before, I didn't even know how much I'd changed until I was confronted with the person who is now one of my dearest friends. I knew I was changing, yes, but I certainly didn't realize it was so visible to others. I didn't even know myself how far I'd come until I handled that encounter SO differently, and that person pointed it out.
Nobody likes pain or discipline when it's happening. But once you stop fighting it and just DO it, man, it's worth every second. Today, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not with all Jesus has done in me, through me and for me. I wouldn't trade my WORST day on this side of it for ALL my very BEST days in the past all wrapped up into one and tied with a bow.
One of the best things about God cleaning you and making you into a new creation is that it is PERMANENT. No one can take it away from you. No one. No matter what they say, what they do, what they throw in your face, it doesn't change it. I know what I know now. In the past, I was guilty. I gave all that, every last bit of it, to Jesus. And now I AM clean. I AM forgiven. I AM new. And when I feel guilty because of past mistakes, or am beating myself up because of a new one, or feeling shame because of who I USED to be, I just remember that Jesus has given me a CLEAN heart, and a RIGHT spirit, and that I am a NEW CREATION. Period. End of discussion.
I gotta tell ya. It feels REALLY GOOD.
"He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the dimly burning flame. He will encourage the fainthearted, those tempted to despair. He will see full justice given to all who have been wronged." (Isaiah 42:3)
"He who walks in integrity walks securely." (Proverbs 10:9)
They say in recovery that you are only as sick as your secrets. Well, those scriptures used to scare the crap out of me because I had made mistakes; I had so many secrets I couldn't keep them all straight! Now I take heart in them, because there are no more secrets between God and I. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. And I no longer feel the need to be. A recovered life is a work in progress.
Now the full justice belongs to me as well. I have my integrity through Christ. And He has surrounded me with amazing friends and incredible support. I am His, and my story is HIS story.
That can never be taken from me.
In Romans 12, Paul says: "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."
One of my best friends has been telling me for the last ten years to "change how you think." Used to drive me completely batty. It was her go-to for every problem: "Tell yourself the truth. Change how you think." Over and over and over and over until I wanted to shoot myself in the face with a bazooka! But she was right. Our success or failure in this life comes down to exactly that: how we think.
It's an awesome and wondrous thing to have God transform you. Amazing! Once you get to the other side, that is. But the process itself of having your mind renewed is NOT an easy one. It's invasive. It's painful. There's no anesthetic. There's no place to hide. In order for God to renew your mind, absolute honesty is required. He's God, so there's no lies, no deception, no manipulation... You don't get to pick and choose the pieces of the truth that make you comfy or fit your own views. It's all or nothing. And it's scary as all get out! Especially if you've been doing it YOUR way for oh, say, 30+ years.
But let me also say this: it is worth every single second, every single tear, every single fear or hurt or resentment or whatever you have to face down in order to go through this process. Because once you do, once God truly renews your heart, your mind, your spirit... Man, there's no high this side of Heaven that even comes close!
For me, I didn't even realize I was undergoing the process while it was happening. I was just going along, working my recovery program. I was praying, doing the workbooks, following the steps. I was going to work every day. Being a mom. Etc. Then one day I was confronted with someone from my past, someone I'd had an issue with. I didn't hide or make excuses... I just talked to them, made my apologies. And we started talking... After about a while, this person says to me, "Wow. I never thought this conversation would go this way. You really are different."
Could have blown me over with a feather. I was like, really? This person, with tears streaming down, said, simply, "Yes." And we cried together. This person forgave me and said, "Obviously you can't take back what happened. But I've given you ample opportunity to do what you would have done before. You haven't. In fact, it's just the opposite. Keep on doing what you are doing. It's going to make a huge difference in a lot of people's lives." That person and I ended up becoming really close friends, and it's a friendship I treasure.
Of course, it doesn't always go that way. I mean sometimes, things just can't be fixed. But this person told me that it didn't matter what I've done so much as what I do. "Jen you could be like soooo many people and hide your pain, hide your mistakes. It's great what God has done for you. But anyone can talk about good things God does. I LIKE that you are open and honest about it all, that you say, hey I screwed up royally, and this was my mindset, and here's how God changed it, and by the way, He can do it for you, too--your openness about not being perfect just makes it better." I hadn't thought of it like that before. Yet I think this person was right.
I have made a LOT of bad decisions that resulted in pain for a lot of people. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, but hey, doesn't it go that way for many of us? Have you ever been in a situation where your intentions and the end result were two very different things? It kinda sucks! Especially when you are looking someone you have hurt in the face, and watching them cry because of what YOU have done, and "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it in that moment, ya know? Right then, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what you intended. It only matters what you DID.
There was a woman, a friend, that I hurt with one of my bonehead decisions. She's really the person who kickstarted the whole recovery journey for me. She was quite the class act. Instead of railing at me like she had every right to do, she showed me grace. She was merciful to me, even in the midst of the pain I had caused her. I mean, I hurt her, you know? Yet SHE reached out to ME, because a) that's just who she is, and b) she genuinely cared about me, knew that there was more to me than the sum total of my mistakes, and wanted me to get help. Talk about humbling.
She looked me in the eye and instead of calling me names, she told me flat out, "This is not who God intended you to be, Jenifer. You are smarter, better, than the person you have become. You need to get help, and you need to do it now. You need to stop running and start facing who you are. Let God fix you, heal you. THEN you can help people again. I know you can do it, Jen. You've been trying to do it, but you can't help others when you won't help yourself." Then she told me not to let her pain be for nothing. She said, "Make all this count for something! Don't let me down." I looked her right back in the eye and promised her, "I won't."
And I haven't. I took her words to heart. And I started the very next day trying to "do something different." We aren't actively friends today. But I will be forever grateful to her for setting me straight! I don't know many people--well, almost no one, frankly--who can show grace and mercy when they are hurting. A mutual friend had been keeping her abreast of how I was doing. And the last time I saw her, we hugged, we cried, and she told me she was very glad that I took her advice and that I was getting better. I will never ever forget what she did for me.
I say all this because I tried, for years and years, to fix it myself. I'd do ok, then screw up, then self-destruct out of guilt and pride... then I'd swear I was gonna get it right "this time" and I'd do better, and the whole sick cycle would begin all over again. On and on, until I was bone-weary from the cumulative consequences of a lifetime's worth of bad decisions.
They say in recovery, "If you could fix it yourself, if you could do this on your own, you wouldn't need recovery." How true. NO ONE, and I don't give a sick rat's butt WHO you are, or how strong you are, can do it alone. And even then, you can be strong enough, perhaps, to clean up your act. But NO ONE, and again I DO mean no one, can TRULY heal or get well without Christ. Period. End of story. Because ALL addiction is sin, and ALL sin, whether addictive or not, is a spiritual problem. Only Jesus can heal the spirit.
How does He do this? By transforming your mind, which affects your thinking, your feelings and your behavior. It ALL starts with how you think.
Let me say very clearly: recovery is NOT for cowards! The process is hard. It's painful. It's terrifying at times. But if you truly want to get well, you will be desperate to do whatever it takes. That is where I was... where we ALL must be in order for true change to occur. We must be at rock bottom, with no excuses left, at the end of ourselves, ready and willing to surrender every single stinking dirty rotten atom of it all to Jesus no matter how scared we are. The pain must outweigh the fear. When it does, when you are totally sick of yourself and ready to surrender, then God can do something with you. Then He will begin to transform you.
As I said before, I didn't even know how much I'd changed until I was confronted with the person who is now one of my dearest friends. I knew I was changing, yes, but I certainly didn't realize it was so visible to others. I didn't even know myself how far I'd come until I handled that encounter SO differently, and that person pointed it out.
Nobody likes pain or discipline when it's happening. But once you stop fighting it and just DO it, man, it's worth every second. Today, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not with all Jesus has done in me, through me and for me. I wouldn't trade my WORST day on this side of it for ALL my very BEST days in the past all wrapped up into one and tied with a bow.
One of the best things about God cleaning you and making you into a new creation is that it is PERMANENT. No one can take it away from you. No one. No matter what they say, what they do, what they throw in your face, it doesn't change it. I know what I know now. In the past, I was guilty. I gave all that, every last bit of it, to Jesus. And now I AM clean. I AM forgiven. I AM new. And when I feel guilty because of past mistakes, or am beating myself up because of a new one, or feeling shame because of who I USED to be, I just remember that Jesus has given me a CLEAN heart, and a RIGHT spirit, and that I am a NEW CREATION. Period. End of discussion.
I gotta tell ya. It feels REALLY GOOD.
"He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the dimly burning flame. He will encourage the fainthearted, those tempted to despair. He will see full justice given to all who have been wronged." (Isaiah 42:3)
"He who walks in integrity walks securely." (Proverbs 10:9)
They say in recovery that you are only as sick as your secrets. Well, those scriptures used to scare the crap out of me because I had made mistakes; I had so many secrets I couldn't keep them all straight! Now I take heart in them, because there are no more secrets between God and I. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. And I no longer feel the need to be. A recovered life is a work in progress.
Now the full justice belongs to me as well. I have my integrity through Christ. And He has surrounded me with amazing friends and incredible support. I am His, and my story is HIS story.
That can never be taken from me.
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