Truth & Consequences

The time comes when you have to make amends for the mistakes you have made and the pain you have caused others. Sometimes this is a smooth process. Sometimes, not so much. But it's necessary to truly healing and getting on with the business of life. There is much to be gained and learned from telling someone, "I'm sorry."

Overall, I think I'm pretty good at this. (In my own humble opinion, ha.) I've lived long enough to know that a) the truth ALWAYS comes out, and b) the longer one avoids or denies, the bigger the issue will become. Best to get it over with. So I really do try to be quick to see when I'm wrong and admit it. Which only makes my conviction and passion for when I'm right even stronger... no guilt hanging over my head.

Today, I received a terrible gift. Sounds oxymoronic, I know. But I spoke with someone at length who is very important to me, and who has done more to influence my life than just about any other person I know. Almost every good thing about me can be traced back, to some degree, to my association and relationship with him.

Short story long, he is one of my oldest, dearest, most treasured and trusted friends. We dated years back. And I HURT him. Horrifically. Bad enough that it still affects him to this day. Granted, I was one sick puppy when I acted a fool. But that doesn't make it any less ok... The way I hurt him, when he was the only person who'd ever believed in me, is, to this day, one of my biggest and ugliest regrets.

The gift is that I get to talk to him at all. That I get to call him friend is nothing short of a miracle. Only God can do something like that and I am IMMENSELY grateful for his friendship. He has truly forgiven me, is proud of the person I am becoming, and still--wonder of wonders--believes in me.

The terrible part is twofold: one, to hear the pain in his voice, that I PUT THERE, still tears me up. This is the one person who, in all my life, never did ANYTHING to hurt me, ALWAYS has my back and never gave up on the way he saw me through God's eyes. I certainly never did anything to deserve that kind of loyalty. But that is just who he is. It's bad enough when you hurt anyone. But to hurt someone who's never done anything but love you, well... let's just say I'm deeply ashamed. And it HURTS to hear him hurt!

Two, it is terrible to know that there is not one thing I can do to make it ok. I can apologize and ask for forgiveness, which he graciously granted. I can answer his questions and explain, to the best of my ability and understanding, WITHOUT making excuses, what was going on in my heart and head to have hurt him like that. And I'm sure that helps, a least a little bit. But it doesn't take it away. It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't bring back what could have been.

That's why I call it a terrible gift. It's terrible in that I hurt another human being in whom I hold the HIGHEST possible regard. And trust me, folks, he has EARNED it, and I can count on one hand and have plenty of fingers left over the number of men I can say that about!

The gift part, though, is the part to hold onto... because after all that has happened and all the time that has passed, he is still my friend. Not because he is a sucker; I couldn't dupe him if I tried, even if I wanted to! But because he sees--I mean truly SEES me--the way God does. I am grateful, humbled and just outright HONORED that he is proud of me. Every time I gain ground, tack up another victory or get it right, he cheers the loudest. He holds me to the truth, so he doesn't sugarcoat the effect I had on his heart and his life. But because he is the GODLY man that he is... he forgives, he rejoices and he is happy that I am finally coming into the vision of the woman he always knew I could be.

Decisions have consequences. I will have to live with the consequences of the dumbass I was for the rest of my life. But Truth and a genuine heart for Christ and for each other has allowed us to become true friends and brother/sister in Christ. I could hardly ask for more than that!

Thank you, Lord, that You are faithful to restore the years that the locusts have eaten, to reconcile us to You and to each other and for giving us an enternal perspective that allows us to see past ourselves and out into the world at others through Your eyes. Amen.